[living with Hope]

Mine started out a clinging boomerang for over 2 years. Then he went no contact for 8 months when he picked OW 1 as his greatest connection.  Then he came back to boomerang for over a year.  Now since OW 2 was outed by the kids to him, he has gone back to vanishing for almost 10 months.  He is in contact with only one child out of 3. 

He has that child manipulated and it causes all types of issues when that child actually does see him. Which at best might be once a month.

From what I hear OW 2 has SAVED him. 

[Thunder]

Oh gawd, living..I'm glad someone saved him.

[Anjae]

I did not have a Vanisher, nor was he a Monster, but after reading stories on here for a few years I honestly think having a Vanisher is much better than a Clinger or a Clinging Boomerang.

It may be MUCH, MUCH harder, and more painful, in the beginning but I feel like a few on here, it helps the spouse move on faster because they leave you no choice.  You have no alternative but to get on with your life, which is exactly what we should be doing.

Yes, much easier and peaceful to have a vanisher. Or a "vanisher" (real vanisher seem rare). But some "vanisher" always find a way of letting you know they exist, and can be complicated to deal with. Which, of course, means they are not real vanishers.

Mr J was an über clinger at first. When I start to cut contact more and more, he "vanished". Except he never really did, he just used his court cases to keep around. 

[BrenM]

Or a "vanisher" (real vanisher seem rare). But some "vanisher" always find a way of letting you know they exist, and can be complicated to deal with. Which, of course, means they are not real vanishers.

Good point.  Another thing I find confusing is that my exh always seems to know what we are doing.  When he talks to people it is like he knows everything.  It isn't Facebook stalking, we have blocked him.

Maybe as you say Anjae, not a real Vanisher.....

[Anjae]

Another thing I find confusing is that my exh always seems to know what we are doing.  When he talks to people it is like he knows everything.  It isn't Facebook stalking, we have blocked him.

If your husband talks to people and seems to know everything, he is still very interested in know what you and the children are up to.

Not saying a real vanisher will lose interest in what spouse and children are up to, just that a real vanisher may never mention their family to others.

Like RCR writes in the articles, having a vanisher is not knowing if our spouse is alive or dead. We do not hear from the spouse, we do not know where they live, what they do.

There are real vanishers. MLCers that disappear, only to be seen or hear years later. Many of those we call vanisher, becasue they barely show or contact, are extreme on & offs.

[BrenM]

If your husband talks to people and seems to know everything, he is still very interested in know what you and the children are up to.

 

Thanks Anjae, I have never thought about this before.....it gives me a little hope that he is still in there somewhere.

[bluerose]

Ditto

[BrenM]

      From reading threads on hs there seems that there arent many vanishers. My h has no contact with me at all. Not even to discuss the kids. Im wondering if this hurts the chance for a reconciliation oe does it not even matter. It hurts when i read how other lbs's still get i love you or offering to do things around the house. Just wondering.

I have no answers for your question bluerose, all we can do is have faith in the MLC process and grow stronger ourselves.  I have read many stories from various sites of Mlcer's returning home - all at various timeframes - some repair relationships and grow and some find that their Lbs have moved on.  I guess we have our own personal reasons for standing at this time - this may change as we see fit, this is something that is in our control.

We share a common story and I fully understand your feelings.  Yes I am super mad because my children and I do not deserve this treatment!!!  it bloody hurts more than anything 😢😢😢 As mothers we put on a brave face for our children, whilst inside we are drowning in sorrow, hurt, loneliness, financial stress, feeling unwanted amongst many other feelings.   I really believe that our husbands are cowards, running away from their personal demons, hurting the people that love them the most. SELFISH COWARDS!!!! Who have elected to run away and hide in lieu of facing their issues head on.   My real husband would never do this.........

Deep down of course they love us, love is not something that you just turn off like a water tap.  Exactly like how we still feel the unconditional love for our husbands, (despite their betrayal, hurt, and numerous deceitful actions), i am confident they feel the same deep inside, if not on the surface. There is not a hour of any given day that I don't think of my husband....it is weird and I have no control.  I try my hardest to move on but we have shared a lifetime of memories, you can't erase your memory as well as your feelings...can you....well not in the life of a non-MLCer lol.

Sending you a very tight hug bluerose - the type that only a lbs would really appreciate and understand 😘

[bluerose]

    Rossbren,
               When all this started, he was fishing for an affair on fb. Old friends that were female i found him flirting with on fb. Even my own sister. He then started giving them his cell phone number. I went through his phone and found them. One morning we were arguing and i told him i wanted the girls numbers deleted. He did it. He wasnt hsppy about it but he did it. I called him a coward right to his face. He told me that bothered him more than anything. Calling him a coward to his face. The truth hurts i guess. He always hated me going through his phone and has told me the ow dont do that. Yeah right. He just hadnt caught her yet.
         I have read on this thread what a true vanisher is and it made me think. We have no mutual friends that we talk to yet. The ones we did have picked their sides. My neighbors have been there for me but have left the door open for him. He stopped there 2 last year before his last t& g. I noticed he hasnt been driving by there house when he comes to get d12, except for the last 2 times. The only way he gets any info on me at the moment is through the kids. As do i. S19 kinda threatened last night that he might go with d12 and h for their visit today and let h know whats been going on. S19 thonks that i had a male friend over for the night on friday. Kids were gone. I was going to but he couldnt get out of work early so it didnt happen. I have not corrected what s19 thinks and im not going to. I told him it was none of h's business. S19 said your a married woman. I love the double standard. I told s19 whats good for the goose is good for the gander. Let h have that thought in his head for a while and think on it. Im not playing games. It is something that is going to happen sooner or later. Let him see how it feels and deal with it .

[beyondblessed]

Vanishers are the supreme stalkers.  Heck, mine comes here and reads my threads.  He's a whacko, so let him.  It has been aile though since he's sent me a screenshots of any posts after I outed him on here.