If it would make anyone feel any better; I did the SAME thing in the beginning; did the wondering what I had done wrong; wondering what I had done to deserve what I was getting; wondering WHY ME?
I searched myself at that time; but it didn't help that he was treating me like common dirt; and being the good little co dependent that I was; I figured it was all my fault; but didn't know what to do.
I felt I had given so much, gotten back so little; and the whys of the situation were eluding me.
The only search I remember running on the internet in the early days was to find out the signs of an affair; because it was the only thing I could think of that he might be doing. And he was; and that nearly did me in.
It was different PEOPLE that helped to start me on my journey; not a message board; I didn't find that other site I wrote these other things on until we'd been in this for several months.
I was like some of the people that show up long after their bomb drop; I'd already been dealing for some time when I arrived on the other site.
And I don't remember exactly HOW I ended up there; only that I did; through an internet search; the thought was that there had to be something more than what I was already doing.
It was something else to find that other than a great amount of wisdom was being posted by a few men and women; there was practically NOTHING...not like there is now.
I stayed on that site until early 2003; and left for good until last year.
MLC was even LESS known then; and we're talking about early 2002...Jim Conway was the only author I knew of at that time that had written on it; besides a number of other authors whose books, I had trouble with; and his was the clearest written; I ordered his book to read to help me understand more.
Would you believe, that to understand OW/OMs, and their behavior, I lurked on a message board designed FOR these particular type people for awhile; it was part of my research.
They posted some of the most sickening things I had ever read; there were DETAILs about their sex lives with their Married people; and when the affair broke down; they grieved JUST LIKE the MLC'er's/philanderers, they'd entrapped for a time. Some of them had "dreams" of marrying their married man/married woman; but those dreams NEVER came true for these people.....for the majority it came down to the fact(and this was OWs) that they were USING the person they were involved with for MONEY and MAINTENANCE.
I didn't read anything about any of the women getting pregnant to further trap their married men; yet, these people were truly predators; and they didn't care about the spouse; in fact, they complained about them all of the time...how they were "getting in the way" of their "true love." Things like that.
Quite a bit of what I learned went into one of the lessons I wrote about OWs and how they work.
I lurked on that particular board for nearly six months, reading and absorbing the information there...I came out knowing more than I ever wanted to know.
But, I'm glad I did...knowledge is truly power.
Research was part of my lessons; and I learned that very well.
I'd have to say there's more information on MLC on the internet now, than there was back when I was going through this mess with my husband.
It's another step forward toward more information on MLC, at least.
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What makes us different?