[Forever Strong]

STANDERS

I was reading a post by CovenantKeeper and someone replied:

I get the feeling your husband is trying to drag you down because you are STILL STANDING and his life is CRAP!! He can't figure out why you haven't killed him by now.... you didn't play by the RULES! You were supposed to be enraged and DIVORCE HIM from the get go... but you didn't.  You were supposed to give up on him... but you didn't. He was SOOOO awful to you and doesn't deserve your mercy, but you gave it. You loved him more than he loves himself.

I've had no support in STANDING.  I've really not told anyone that's what I'm doing because I know no one would agree with me.  For me to give up on this man is just not possible.  Not when I know what God can do for him.  I am truly dumbfounded by this thing we call MLC and all the similar stories we share.  So what makes us different that we choose to STAND instead of getting enraged and walking away?  Is it knowledge of this sickness (that's what I call it) or true love for another human being, Faith in God? 

[ygirlland]

I often wonder this myself.  I vacillate between believing that I would want someone to do the same for me in the same situation.  I also believe that standing means that I never gave up on a man that doubts himself so much that he gave up on himself.  The other side of the coin is me wondering if I am just a glutton for punishment or don't believe enough in myself to let go.  I wonder if there is psychological issues with myself that have yet to be addressed that lead me to hold on to this relationship.  I struggle with this dilemma often.  I do know that I am working on myself and I have set boundaries.  As of yet it hasn't decreased my desire to stand for what I believe to be right.  I also know that my kids deserve a healthy mom, dad and intact family.  I am working on creating the things that I can control.  Will I always stand?  Probably not.  If it appears that he is filing for divorce and remarrying then I must move on for myself.  I will stand until I no longer feel the passion for H and the family that we created for our kids.  I have decided that at a certain time(who knows when it will happen) when I can no longer work harder than he does to keep our marriage I will no longer stand.  I am okay right now working on myself and supporting our family the best way I know how but I do know that boundaries are necessary for me to detach so that I can be healthy for myself and my kids.  Will he move through this process and come back to a life with me?  I do not know, but I do have faith in his ability to do the right things in his life.  It will just be up to him when and where he will make those decisions.  I may be here I may not but only my process in discovering myself will lead me to my decision.  y

[LifeGoesOn]

I don't know if we are different from those who do not stand.

I receive all the advice/pressure to walk away. Prior to this, that probably would have been my advice to a friend. I would see any other way for them to get away from the pain and hurt.

Just last night I had to explain this to friends who want to fix me up.

I made a commitment. I am married.

AND...I am happy and content with the way I am living my life. It is not what I dreamed it would be, but it is good. I would not be doing anything any different right now were I divorced. I do not need a man in my life. I do not need to date. I do not need any kind of external validation. It took me awhile to get to this point!

Summing up, I take my vows seriously and i might as well stand while I focus on myself and my kids day-to-day pursuit of happiness.

Oh, and my H and I love each other.

[Still]

Forever Strong,

I honestly don't know what makes some people choose to be standers and others not. If someone had given me my life scenario with MLC long before I had experienced it, I don't know if I would have expressed the conviction that I have been living.

Something inside of me (maybe the Holy Spirit) tells me that this is what I need to do. This is what is right and that my vows were made before God and I intend to keep them. I can't control what my H does and ultimately (if nothing changes) he will have his divorce. I need to be able to look at my kids and myself and be able to say that I did all that I was able to do to keep my marriage together.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

I don't know what to do either except to stand for my marriage as it is the best thing for my family. The sad thing is I could ask her to leave and I could keep everything. The house, the kids, all real property, and the debt. But, I would be free from all the madness.

However, I still love the crazy woman despite all that has happened. I still carry her in my heart. I still feel that she and I were meant to be together as one and that our family will be better and stronger if she and I keep our vows.
 
I don't know how much longer I will stand. It has been a year since the madness started. However, each day, I work on me and making my life better for myself and my children.

I think that the great many of us stand because we feel compelled to make that extra effort. We don't just throw in the towel at first trouble. My mother has stood by me on my stand while everyone else thinks I am as crazy as a junebug.

[exiled]

It seems that we all have had very special relationships with our spouses until MLC took them away from us abruptly.
Because we know and appreciate how extraordinary our marriages were it is that much harder to let them go.
As for me, I can't imagine that I will ever be able to reach the same level of intimacy which I have shared with my wife with someone else.
I think we are staying because of our profound love for our spouses.
Some doubts keep pestering me though: Am I sticking around because I am attached to what I once had?
Has my wife moved on forever?  Am I simply being obstinate by refusing to face the reality?
Some may argue that I will have to let the hopeless relationship die so that I can start a new relationship.
I am not staying because of the principles.  I just can't bring myself to initiate the divorce and my wife is dragging her feet.

[stayed]

Interesting question ygirland. 

My h didn't seem to really know what he was doing.  He was very confused, flip flopping all over the place.  Begging me to give him more time.  I knew it was going to be years for me to get over this.  Being in that state, dating was out of the question.  I would never have involved somebody else in the mess that I was at that time.  Just would not have been fair.  Realizing the state we were in, I didn't think that either of us were in any condition to be making any decisions as important as divorcing, at that time.

Quite honestly, I felt he was "sick"!  A nervous breakdown or something.  It just seemed wrong to walk away.  If he had cancer, I would have cared for him to the dreary end, without a doubt, so in a sense, I felt the same about this. 

Mind you, after 6 mos. of reconciliation, I was ready to leave.  I wouldn't have divorced him, but I definitely could have walked away.   I was not prepared to live the rest of my life simply going through the motions.  I simply could not go back to the marriage we had prior to his full crisis and affair. 

I am really glad that I stuck to my guns and insisted that if he wanted me to stay, he had to acknowledge what had happened to him.  I had to know that he understood what he had been through and subsequently myself and his children as well.  That his crisis had caused terrible pain to not only himself.  I had to be sure that he was recovered completely and the only way to prove that to me was to be open and honest about everything.
 
Due to his shame and disgust for his actions, he wanted to block it all.  Forget it had ever happened.  I felt that would be a very bad plan and that he needed to analyze and understand what he did and at least have some idea of how it had happened.  That blocking things he didn't want to remember was a contributing factor to his MLC.

I encouraged him to realize he can not harbour and contain his emotions anymore.  He needed to relax more, take up activities and hobbies, that his profession did not define who he was.  That his children and myself needed more genuine interest, support and encouragement from him.  That he was not the ONLY one who was important.  I needed to be sure that he understood this, that from now on we had to be as important to him as his job and himself.

You see, it wasn't his abhorrent behavior that I wanted him to OWN, I wanted to be sure that he understood what he had done, how he had behaved and the fallout his crisis had caused.  I wanted to be sure that he understood he had been in crisis and what had contributed to the crisis.

I'm not sure they ever really know what caused them to go into MLC but I was pretty darn sure, that due to his natural reticence to discuss "issues", enabled the crisis to bloom and grow out of proportion. It just isn't healthy to live in ones own head, too much.

Judging by the fact that he comfortably discusses MLC, not only with me, but other LBS's that we have met, I think he gets it.  I often read out comments from the forum and his sadness for everybody in this situation is genuine.   

We will have been reconciled 5 years this summer.  I believe he is recovered.  I still become concerned if I see any behavior that is even remotely familiar to those years of MLC.  I never hold it in, I speak up immediately and he is very quick to reassure me.  He realizes and accepts that I am and will remain vigilante for any signs.

Hugs Stayed...

[LoveMeMyself]

I suppose this is a question I've asked myself a lot lately.  I'm not sure I know my reason.  My xH and I had a truly good marriage...........I'm not just saying that........honest.   We didn't have any true issues and life was good........at least I thought it was.  I love him and can't see myself with another man.........not now or ever!  When this first happened (BD) I knew something was horribly wrong......this wasn't the man I married......something just wasn't right.  I don't talk about my decision to "stand" with anyone.  I know that nobody (other than you guys) would understand it.  My parents have really disappointed me in their attitude towards my situation.  I've had a little support from an older sister and a few close friends but for the most part I'm alone in regards to this situation.  I've talked to my children (adults, mine, not his) and of course, at first they were both furious about everything.  My exH had said some pretty horrible and hurtful things about them as well.  He was blaming them right along with me.  I wonder why I should want a man who treated me so hurtful........but I too, see him as having an "illness".....he is sick and I wouldn't leave him if he had any type of true illness......like cancer.  I know in my heart he is a good man and I keep hoping and praying things will change.  I've been told it takes 5 to 7 years to recover from divorce and only about 2 years to recover from the death of a spouse.  I'm beginning to believe that.......it's almost been a year and a half since he walked out of our marriage and it still gets to me every time I think about it.  I'm trying to get on with my life "as if" but it just seems to be so hard.  I'm truly trying........I just want the pain to stop!  I find myself thinking about him and wondering what he is doing............is he really happy?  Is this really the life he wants to live?  I found out today that he is actively looking for a house to purchase since he's having to pay too much in taxes.  I'll never forget what he said when he left me.....he said he's going to buy his own house so that he'll never have to leave and sleep on the floor ever again.  He did this after his first divorce..........sleep on the floor (air mattress) in an empty apartment until he could buy furniture.  I fear that he will never want to return because he's stated too much damage was done and he can't undo it.  Sorry, I'm rambling now.  Forgive me.  I stand and don't even really know why............I just know that I love him.

[Dontgiveup]

I Stand because in my belief system it's the right thing to do.  I Stand because I believe MLC is a process that will eventually end.....that does not guarantee the marriage will return, but I want to see if that opportunity may present itself.  I am thankful because I do have several people in my life encouraging me to Stand.

[HeartsBlessing]

I've had no support in STANDING.  I've really not told anyone that's what I'm doing because I know no one would agree with me.  For me to give up on this man is just not possible.  Not when I know what God can do for him.  I am truly dumbfounded by this thing we call MLC and all the similar stories we share.  So what makes us different that we choose to STAND instead of getting enraged and walking away?  Is it knowledge of this sickness (that's what I call it) or true love for another human being, Faith in God?

I had no real support in standing; except for the Lord; a guide that was sent to me for awhile, and our son.

I chose to stand, because I still loved him; and as time went on, I gained the knowledge I needed to keep standing.  I also stood, because I knew something better would come out of this; and it did...but the path to get to that end was quite a crooked one; as it didn't lead straight to the end; there were many detours I had to take; and several crossroads that I had to face.

I took my journey to wholeness and healing; growing and changing in that process fixing the problems within myself; in turn, that affected my husband, who was also forced to change; because I changed first.

Whether the marriage makes it or not; the choice to stand, belongs to the LBS; but journey to wholeness and healing must be taken by all.

The marriages were NOT as they should have been; therefore the crisis happened.  IF the marriage was as it should have been; the transition that happens instead, would only have been a "blip" on the radar screen of the person going through; and there wouldn't have been all this trouble that keeps happening to one marriage right after another.

Each person has emotional problems; stemming from childhood, in that process, carrying baggage into their marriage that needs to be faced and resolved by change and growth.

And until these problems are faced by each individual person; the crisis continues; or leaves off, and picks up later on.

Regardless of whether the marriage comes through or not; the JOURNEY of the LBS is what is important; secondary only to the decision to stand or not.

If the emotional problems within yourself are not fixed; you will go through this again with someone else, or even within the same marriage; because, it is something within that "chooses" the marriage partner; and because of our childhood; we tend to find what is familiar to us; continuing destructive emotional patterns from childhood.

Life's Lessons, if learned before the midlife years, have a huge affect on whether a person goes through a MLC or just a transition.

These same lessons, are learned by BOTH people during the MLC....and the person that successfully navigates the tunnel of crisis, will come out changed for a lifetime; as once it's finished; they truly know, for the first time in their lives, how to really love, give; and be there for their spouse....they come out better people than they were going in.

Regardless, however; the choice to stand or not stand, belongs to you; and no one else.

The only guarantee you have is the work that you do on yourself; the growing and changing that result from that work; and the rest, is in the Hands of God to deal with.

I made a commitment to my marriage nearly 26 years ago; and although my husband destroyed his vows during his crisis; I held onto mine; because that's the person I am; I never quit, although I wanted to many times.

Stubbornly, I held on; doing the work; and going with my life; as he struggled through...in time, I left him behind and he ran to catch up with me.

I passed through many phases of learning that I would not have learned if I'd run away from my commitment; that SAME commitment held me; when for a time, I didn't love him.

It is true that once they destroy their vows; you don't have an obligation to them; but in the longer run; if possible, it is better to keep what you have; because you CAN do much worse than what you had.

I saw a huge truth in the above statement as I watched him come through, and change for the better.    I'm actually very glad for what I went through; it taught me well; and made me much stronger than I was before...as well, as it changed him; remaking him into the husband that God meant for him to be for me.

I'm going to tell you something else; there is something to be said for standing for the marriage; because you believe in it, you believe your spouse will eventually come through; and you believe in yourself.....in that long process, gaining the strength to stand through the trial, however it comes out.

It could go either way; but if you choose, you make a commitment to continue to stand to see the end; and how this goes.  If you cannot answer all of the 'What if' questions that are associated with ending a relationship/marriage; don't end it; you'll live with regrets for the rest of your life.

Hope this helps.