[LoveMeMyself]

HB,

    You just spoke directly to my heart.  I so appreciate everything you share with me.....and everybody here.  I truly believe in my vows and I honestly  believe in myself and my commitment to my marriage even though my husband decided to divorce me.  I have been struggling for the past few days as to whether I should give up my stand but something keeps telling  me not to.......I plan to see this through to the end.  I believe with every fiber in my body that this is the right thing for  me to do.  I have faith and trust in God and believe he is working on my exH.  I don't know why I feel this but I just do.  You give me more hope and strength in my standing by my decision to Stand!  They say you don't know what you have until it's gone......I feel that and I only hope my exH will eventually feel the same loss. 

   Thank you again HB.............you are an amazing woman and I'm grateful for finding you here.  Take care!

[HeartsBlessing]

LMM,

    You just spoke directly to my heart.  I so appreciate everything you share with me.....and everybody here.  I truly believe in my vows and I honestly  believe in myself and my commitment to my marriage even though my husband decided to divorce me.  I have been struggling for the past few days as to whether I should give up my stand but something keeps telling  me not to.......I plan to see this through to the end.  I believe with every fiber in my body that this is the right thing for  me to do.  I have faith and trust in God and believe he is working on my exH.  I don't know why I feel this but I just do.  You give me more hope and strength in my standing by my decision to Stand!  They say you don't know what you have until it's gone......I feel that and I only hope my exH will eventually feel the same loss.

   Thank you again HB.............you are an amazing woman and I'm grateful for finding you here.  Take care!

All that I write comes from my heart, my experience; and my walk with the Lord. 

And, hey, I'm NOT an amazing woman; the people here who are in the process of enduring this trial, including you, LMM, are truly the amazing ones.

Me, I'm just coming alongside to encourage, because I've been there.

Thanks.   

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Dear HB,

I think you are an amazing woman as you could be doing other things besides putting up with us. From my point of view, it has been your courage and faith that has brought me closer to GOD. To seek his guidance and to realize that the forces I face are much more powerful than anything I have ever faced. That these forces could not be controlled by me and that I had to turn everything over to GOD.

Your words comfort and confront us-not to our detriment but to help keep us focused on our journey. That there are no guarantees but that by focusing on us, we will move forward and we will come out as better people. To face our own demons.

That is what makes us different. Not that we stand for our marriage. We stand and that we focus on changing who we are. I read thread after thread. n, so many that have grown as the time has passed. Each one making their journey. Loving our children, refocusing priorities, turning to GOD, and most of all, facing the demons that haunt all of us.

I have dealt with a lot of things over the past year- but I think the most important thing is that my actions and thoughts are no longer driven by fear. I am not afraid. If she leaves, she leaves. I'll be fine. If she comes back, it will be great but we still have lots of work to do. But the fear that held me frozen is gone.

However, I don't think I would have made it to this point if were not for HB's story and guidance. So, you may not think you are amazing, but in my book, you are. ((((Hugs)))

[HeartsBlessing]

Hi Ready,

I think you are an amazing woman as you could be doing other things besides putting up with us.

I really don't see it that way; it's not about "putting up" with anything; I know if I keep talking, I'm either going to irritate somebody; or help them to grow; THEIR choice.

So, I keep talking; repeating certain things; trying to help; and giving love in the best way I know how.

I'm glad I've helped you, Ready; but you couldn't be helped; until you wanted to be helped...and that is true of anyone. 

Your words comfort and confront us-not to our detriment but to help keep us focused on our journey. That there are no guarantees but that by focusing on us, we will move forward and we will come out as better people. To face our own demons.

This is what the journey is all about; is facing the demons of our past; resolving the issues within; and moving forward; in the end, transformed into what God means for you to be.

My love at times, I know, is tough; but I walked this road, too, and I know that if I sugarcoat my words; I would bear responsibility for people getting stuck; and not moving forward.

There were times when someone was there for me; and sometimes the advice to me, was harsh; yet, full of truth; and it was up to me to see that truth for what it was; another area in my life that needed work....and all that I've learned has been paid forward many times over.

That is what makes us different. Not that we stand for our marriage. We stand and that we focus on changing who we are. I read thread after thread. n, so many that have grown as the time has passed. Each one making their journey. Loving our children, refocusing priorities, turning to GOD, and most of all, facing the demons that haunt all of us.

This is very true. A great deal of wisdom is contained within this paragraph. 

You've grown a great deal yourself, Ready; having come a LONG way since you came on board. 

I have dealt with a lot of things over the past year- but I think the most important thing is that my actions and thoughts are no longer driven by fear. I am not afraid. If she leaves, she leaves. I'll be fine. If she comes back, it will be great but we still have lots of work to do. But the fear that held me frozen is gone.

Fear is one of the biggest issues of the LBS during the crisis; and it serves no purpose except to keep you frozen in place; unable to walk your journey.  Lose the fear; it has no place in your life.

Whatever happens, will happen; nothing you can do to stop it; as I said, no guarantees except the work you do on yourself.

I had to face this same fear, myself; and overcome it.  This was hard; because until I reached the place of truly letting go; I was always trying to hold on; and this could not be...I could not control anyone but myself; and all I could change, was me...so, I let go of the situation, the desire to control; and put the focus squarely on me.

However, I don't think I would have made it to this point if were not for HB's story and guidance. So, you may not think you are amazing, but in my book, you are. ((((Hugs)))

Thank you for the encouraging words, Ready; I often wonder if anything I do or say, makes an impact/difference in people's lives; but I keep trying because I do care; and I want to see people make it through this trial; just as I did.

Success is not defined by what you do, it is defined by who you are; and what you become as you face and successfully navigate each trial you will face in your life; learning the lessons set before you; and gaining the strength needed to move forward.

Much love,
HB

[Voyager]

Forever

I think we all stand for different reasons, some are faith based, some because they can't answer the "what if" questions yet and some because it is a period of time to draw breath and grow. Plus a hundred other ones, some a mixture of reasons.

I remember when i first went onto the net looking for answers which we all did.

Millions of sites, some very helpful, some like "how to get your man back before he's even noticed" were hopeless. Or my favourite, "there is only one sentence that is guaranteed to get your h back" I never did find out what it was, mainly because by the time I'd subscribed, paid for the book etc, i would have been out of pocket by about £50, i have often wondered what that sentence was.......

I did download a couple of e books though.

But there was something about this place that felt immediately right. The idea of standing made sense. i remember after i had read all the articles, it felt like i just knew this was the right thing to do. It gave me a sense of peace as i had found meaning and purpose out of chaos.

Its taken me a long time to really cotton on though as to just what it is i signed up for.

Some doubts keep pestering me though: Am I sticking around because I am attached to what I once had?
Has my wife moved on forever?  Am I simply being obstinate by refusing to face the reality?

When i first signed up i did what most do, think that standing was a way of getting my h back. If i stood for a few months, because it takes time right? so a few months, yep i could do that. Plus use all the advice on the site i would have him safely home and tucked up in bed in no time.

Didin't quite work out that way and i think that's the first wobbly bit for newbies. Then realising it wasn't about getting your spouse home. That would be a very welcome bonus. Not the main event.

For me it was when i started to really look at and question myself that i started to understand a bit more about Standing. That it was going to help me understand myself better. It was going to test me and i needed that.
Then i got tied up in knots for a while about who i was, what was the point, and feeling that i had to do everything a certain way in order to acheive that.

Now i take the view that Standing is not some sort of endurance competition, that every timeline is different and everyone will take what they need and then either move on, or reconcile. It doesn't matter in a way which it is, as long as whilst here they have been helped to grow in themselves, even whilst kicking and screaming against the process.

No-one wants to challenge and confront themselves, not in such a deep way that standing can do. Who wants to confront fear and let go of their old lives and learn to live a new one, without having had the opportunity to volunteer???

It's very different to waiting. It's an active process of self renewal, though it can feel like waiting, especially in limbo.
Sometimes learning to wait is an active process in itself.

We don't have to do this. Its not compulsory, it can be ended anytime. Its funny that often posters will complain bitterly about standing, find it bizarre that people do such a crazy thing and then end up standing and being crucial members of the forum.

And it's good that people question this, especially people new to the site, because it's easy to lose sight of why you're here when you've been posting for a long time. It sort of becomes automatic and that can be a problem. Sometimes we have to review our own reasons for standing. Check in with it, see if it still feels right.

If it doesn't that's fine. There should be no peer group pressure, just support and constructive questioning.

 Sometimes i go through periods when i question this everyday, and i was struck by one post recently that said something like, She/he wondered if finding out about MLC and then coming on here had been holding her/him back??

That's a really good question.

But somehow i keep coming back to standing because I know i have much more to understand about myself and i have to come to terms with the fact that my h may very well not be a returner, and this place i know will help me to get the insight and strength to be able to face that and go throug it and come out the other side, intact and at peace.

What started off as a voyage to rescue my m became a voyage of self discovery. I seem to have left my h bobbing up and down in the water, while i sail off to my own island of peace.

The really special and precious thing is that i share the journey with others looking for that too, that is our common bond and enables us to accept the questioning and the tears and the struggle of everyone else here.
 Some of us have a deep faith in God, but i think what also helps me is the faith we have in each other to help us through.

That's what makes standing and this place remarkable.

Oh crikey i've seriously rambled....what was the question again??
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[stayed]

What started off as a voyage to rescue my m became a voyage of self discovery. I seem to have left my h bobbing up and down in the water, while i sail off to my own island of peace.

Isn't it amazing?  I often feel when I am encouraging LBS's to keep going, to embrace the process, that they are thinking, "sure, easy for you Stayed, you got your marriage back".  Which is true, but the point is, I eventually reached the conclusion you did Voyager... What started off as a voyage to rescue my m became a voyage of self discovery. 

A voyage that will benefit ME the rest of my life. 

Well said girl, no one bit of RAMBLING... just good, good stuff for people to ponder.  Thanks.

hugs Stayed...

[justasking]

V

Oh crikey I've seriously rambled....what was the question again??

The question was answered beautifully and succinctly. I even took my viking helmet off in respect for your words of wisdom, comfort and hope.

Thank you.

xx

[Bewildered]

V

I have to agree with JA answered the Q very well and a wonderful explanation to newbies too which I know from my experience is when this Q is the hardest to deal with because the pain is raw the timescale forever and the outcomes murky.
to quote you,

Now i take the view that Standing is not some sort of endurance competition, that every timeline is different and everyone will take what they need and then either move on, or reconcile. It doesn't matter in a way which it is, as long as whilst here they have been helped to grow in themselves, even whilst kicking and screaming against the process.

Maybe an endurance at first because have so little understanding from others outside of this site.. my Mother and Sister told me 8 weeks approx after BD to get over him and on with my life and that their were many other men in the world better than him .. no amount of me trying to talk to them made the slightest difference he was an idiot, I was ridiculous etc so this site is my place for contemplation and the friends I have made are life long ones I just know either in real life or in cyber space .... my demons have been looked into and I am now able to understand me so much better - and why my M and S behave as they do (well up to a point)
I have always had intuition but it does fail me sometimes because I wont let it in my head .. I must in the future (trying now to do) listen to my heart and head and give it space and then make a decision before I lacked patience, wanted everything done immediately, fixed now ....  but that was the old me now I by taking time can still see the 'big picture'  but its a more stable one.

I have eradicated myself of toxic people who depress me with their negativity - i have tried to help them be their listen etc but I know now some people can't ever be helped and will stop you from being you if you let them in to your head ... so I don't - some I have distanced myself from others I am friendly with but don't really do more than chat through nothing with them .. you need to stand for yourself to find yourself and be the person you can be that is the best you can be ..............

x   

[LearningIamOk]

Being one of the Newbies here, I too am perplexed as to why I am doing this.  As it was expressed in the posts preceding this one, my intent is to save the M.  As the seasoned veterans here point out, this is not what the game is all about.  It makes me angry and sad that this is not a fix-it shop for the damage done.  And I have been PM'ing Stayed quite a bit and she "spanked" me with her most recent reply. No Offense taken to the reply.  I don't need anyone to poor baby me. I need brutally honest since this is a brutal time in  my life.
I remember reading a story about a woman who had a baby. The arrival was looked forward to with great anticipation. Unfortunately, the child had a form of mental retardation.  The mother likened the ordeal to planning a vacation in Italy, and when the plane landed, found she was in Holland.  At first she was angry and felt cheated. Then she looked around and saw that Holland had windmills and tulips. That there were good things where she ended up. 
I don't feel in the place to admire the windmills and tulips yet. I hope to be and am trying to be.  I know I focus too much on my H and what he is or is not doing.  I want  to hang in here. I want to stop wanting.  I want to be a grown up and not a whiny 5 yr old.  I am looking inside myself, maybe not deeply enough yet.  I would like to be able to reach a level where I do what I do with confidence instead of hoping to exact a particular outcome.
I don't really know what I am striving towards. 
I can relate to Voyagers experience of looking relentlessly on the internet for any kind of help.  All the save my marriage sites. I bought the ebooks.  I bought the study at home package.  I spent nearly $500 for 1hr phone counseling sessions because I thought the guy was my Obi-Wan Kenobi and my only hope.  The stuff bandaged things for a while, but apparently the wound got infected. 
Like others have said, I wouldn't abandon my H if it was cancer.  So I will continue to stand because I think it's the right thing to do.

[Voyager]

B

I think everything in your post is a perfect example of why standing can be so helpful, even if its only a stop on the journey. So much learning and growing can take place, but the LBS has to allow that to happen, it doesn't happen on its own.
I worry about the ones who get stuck, i think we all get stuck for some of the time, but some just stay that way.

It is a fearful feeling to look at yourself. To own that not everything was perfect before MLC and then to take responsibility for our part in that.
But then to be able to look at that and recognise that it wasn't just "us" but a combination of things. When i started down the road of seeing mistakes i had made, i felt i was freefalling for a while. It was so clear and obvious, and then the deep regret follows. Why didn't i see it, why didn't i stop those behaviours.

It is a difficult road to go down, and not for the fainthearted. But alongside the recognition, we must be careful not to go completely overboard with that and start blamimng ourselves for living humdrum lives.

That's when hopefully after that part of the journey you come to a more centered and balanced place, where you can embrace and accept the mistakes, but also embrace and love the person who made them, yourself.

The good part of the journey is the part that enables you to see the faults, mistakes, work on them, make changes, and then, like an artist be able to step back and admire the finished article. A whole and healed you, who can love who you are, but like any healthy relationship you can be realistic about yourself too.

Not many people get to experience what we do. By that i mean the LBS standing experience. Many move on quickly, many get stuck in their pain.
But those of us who are able to do it, for however long, it brings unexpected gifts and treasures. I'm a work in progress still, but i'm enjoying the process a lot more.
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