[Mae]

I haven't updated in a while because nothing much has changed, I update my signature so that at least is current.

H and D15 are in counselling. They completed their second session on Tuesday. D15 talked very little at that first session. She was more talkative at the second session but through what she is telling me and what H is telling me, I deduce that she remains very sceptical. She brought the whole FA (Fantasy Affair) up at counselling and called him out on it. She called him out on a lot of things......she said she leaned back on the couch for a lot of the session and played candy crush while H and the counsellor talked...she said she may as well not have been there....but she did interject while he was talking, either to call him out on the things he said or to call him a liar.

I actually feel really sorry for H. D15 told me that she didn't want to hear excuses or 'I'm sorrys' from her father which I had relayed to him earlier......so when they were discussing the FA he was trying not to blame the depression for his actions because that would have been an excuse....but then the counsellor pointed out that if the depression didn't contribute to his actions then his actions were deliberate, something he chose to do from a clear mind......that of course makes what he did about ten times worse.....oh dear. Nothing he said actually helped D15 feel less hostile or more sympathetic towards him, in fact everything he said just confirmed what she believes about him....she said to me that she knew exactly what he was going to say when the counsellor started probing before he said it......if she expects lies and excuses from her father then whatever he said didn't change any of those things in her mind.

He is not revealing his real self to her, the broken, deeply depressed, near suicidal self......he want's to 'protect' her and not 'burden' her with what he went through....I'm not sure that is the right tact with her, because she can sniff out the untruths.  I think the right tact with her is to be nothing but honest, to reveal exactly his true thoughts and feelings. I could hear some of what they were talking about and yes D15 was spot on, when H was speaking, his answers were always 'filtered' almost like he was an observer instead of the perpetrator....it was weird, so I get it when she said she knew what he was going to say before he said it.

She seemed ok after the session.....which in itself was a little worrying. If the session had touched her at all, she would have been upset...she wasn't, she was unruffled, calm.....nothing had changed. It's not that I want her to be upset but I see strong emotion as a good sign. H found the session tough, she didn't.

I still need to learn to zip my lips when offering him advice on how to handle her as this seems to be backfiring somewhat for him. I'm no psychologist and although I think I know my daughter I shouldn't be trying to 'coach' him.

We are now two weekends away from the move back home. It was D's birthday last Saturday....she had a great day, was spoilt by me and we had a wonderful family dinner together for her bar H.....that was very hard for H. He did text her a birthday message and she did respond to him, even had a 'love you' in there for him too.......unfortunately that doesn't mean things have changed for her, so if he expected a 'thawing' from her after that he would have been greatly disappointed. There will be 'no thawing' unless he can somehow break through those barriers of mistrust and betrayal she has up.

I continue to greatly enjoy moments of being 'husband-less', these provide a counterpoint to the moments of sorrow and longing for H. I find a strong desire to keep hold of this newly discovered sense of 'self' and some aspects of being 'alone' that H's abandonment has provided, and which I am greatly enjoying. A focus on myself, mainly this is doing what I want when I want without recourse to someone else......I love this freedom and yet I also yearn for the companionship and physical/emotional connection with my H. How do I retain and strengthen this wonderful sense of self and freedom and reintegrate myself back into 'married life'? I will need to think hard and develop some strategies so I do not lose myself in 'us'.

I have also been working on what I call my two main pain points, the FA and the disappearing ring. My mind will often want to go back and 're-read' the messages between H and FA....when that happens, there is inevitably big emotional fallout.....SO I have stopped looking at the messages....it's stupid and pointless and hurtful. Every time I am tempted.....I tell myself 'no'....like Stayed with her big 'STOP' sign, it's been very successful, as I turn away from the FA I find it is receding more and more into the past where it belongs. It's the same with the disappearing ring act.....the less I focus on either pictures of my H being 'ringless' or now seeing him with the ring back on, the more I can focus on what is in front of me which is a present, remorseful H who is trying hard to get home again. But I have to say that I no longer view his ring in the same way. He has worn it for nearly 20 years and never taken it off until the last BD.....I can't express how it felt to see the pictures of him where he had removed his ring and then him admitting that he had taken it off.....it's like he's sullied the ring now, it's tainted and seeing it for me is a trigger. If he took it off that would also be a trigger, if we bought a new one, again a trigger....so that's a 'no win' situation for me....all I can do is hope that time will heal that wound for me.

I will see him on Sunday when he comes to watch D15 play a sports tournament. We talk each night and sometimes during the day as well. The following weekend I probably won't see him as I want to spend time with my grand-daughters and then the weekend after he will be home. Sometimes my mind boggles, he wanted desperately to leave and be alone and now he desperately wants to come home. I am planning to get a few agreements in place though mainly to safeguard the house, I do not want to get 'caught out' again. Although he has identified how he needs to change to stop this cycle of depression and flight....I'm not sure that even with the best will in the world, another cycle is preventable....and I would be 'done' if it happens again. His bag would be packed and a one way ticket out the door issued if I ever hear 'the speech' again.

[Savoir Faire]

Hi mae, sounds like your Daughter has a lot of hurt and anger - the counsellor will break that down over time so be ready for a melt-down.

Teenagers are great at bottling things up and showing anger to mask things - this will shift as your H is honest during the sessions.  This whole thing will do both of them a lot of good and it is great that your H gets to know what life was like for her and you during his crisis.

Enjoy your hussbandlessness!!

[BlueBird3]

I too, am loving my time now, like seriously loving it.  Yes I miss H, and what we had, but i can't go back to what was, I'm a new person now.   Will be quite an adjustment for both of us when we R, which I know will happen, just not yet, we both are not ready....this is know.  The girls are not ready yet either, we all enjoy an H-less home.  No eggshell walking does wonders for everyone.

[Never say never]

Just following along, Mae.  Thanks for keeping us updated.  I can't even imagine the emotions that you are going through right now.  It is amazing how all of us have such intense emotions at every single stage, but until you get to that particular stage, you cannot know what it feels like.

I am sure your husband feels as scared as you do about his routine.  I am also sure it will probably be like walking on eggshells during the initial move back home.  You have to remember that that's okay, though.  All of this is meant for our growth. 

Please try to forget about the ring.  I totally understand about triggers.  My husband's phone is a huge, huge trigger for me.  I HATE it.  I hate the ring tone also because it brings back terrible memories.

The ring, though, before my husband went to treatment, he put on a necklace he always wears but not his wedding ring.  Was I hurt?  You bet.  But then I realized it is out of my control, and if that's how he feels right now, that's his choice. 

Your daughter is at such a tender age, but she will get through this.  Remember, though, that is something they have to work out between them.  That relationship is separate from you.  He needs to earn her trust back, and with how she's been hurt, it is going to take a lot of work from him. 

My stomach gets anxious just thinking about him moving back.  Please keep us posted every step of the way.

[Mae]

Thanks BB, Never and SF.

Yes I do need to keep out of D's and H's relationship, it's hard though NOT to be the mediator but he has to do the work with D, and it will be very hard.

There is so much I need to remember when I think about the imminent move back. I am mulling over what SF said recently to me and that essentially (rewording it) was to let my H do the heavy lifting in the R when he comes back. I would like to do that, I was the one being caregiver whilst our marriage was on 'life support', it was me putting it safely on the shelf and making sure it remained clear of the demolition job my H was doing......maybe I get to have a break soon.

I also read the article about contrition posted on the forum, that was good too and a reminder that I need to see positive action from my H consistently over time.

I will try to 'forget' about the ring....and I get the phone thing Never, that USED to be a huge trigger for me too from BD 1 way way back.....his phone followed us everywhere. That trigger faded as his behaviour regarding his phone changed.

Last night I went back and read over the FA messages that used to cause a major spin out, pleased to report the reaction was 'mehhhh' and then I went straight to sleep. This is good progress for me.

I got my hair done yesterday, it looks great.

I hope you are right SF about the counselling unpacking my D over time.....she is a tough nut.

I am busy at work and am working a four late nights in a row bender, I've done one late night and feel exhausted already, only three to go.

[1phoenix]

Keep up the good work Mae.

You will get through.

I am sure your shoulders are getting tired, but remember what strength they have. Deep breath, baby steps and stand tall!

[Savoir Faire]

Things will unfold with the counselor Mae, just watch and see

Get some sleep after such a lot of work and don't read the FA messages again - not helpful.....

[Mae]

The other day I sent my H the link to the 5 love languages quiz. I predict that his top two are quality time and physical touch (pretty much same as me).....haven't caught up with him yet about that. I also bought the love languages book (men's edition) for him, but as yet not managed to hand it over for him to read.

I have been mulling over the excellent article about contrition and how it differs from remorse and regret. My mind has been thinking of H's imminent return home and what that means for me and us. Last month when I visited H at his apartment and asked to see his phone he handed it over but then snarkily asked when I would stop checking it, that was the first time I had done it. That reaction is NOT contrition, it is not the response of a man who accepts and acknowledges the consequences of his actions on me the betrayed spouse and understands the need for me to have open access to his life and activities. It made me feel defensive and as though rebuilding trust had a time limit. It made me think that I am not seeing the changes that will assure me that we can rebuild a better, stronger relationship.

I also had to ask myself what actions other than words (he's been pretty good with those) is he currently displaying that indicate his awareness and commitment to change? It was really hard to come up with anything concrete but maybe I am being too harsh, after all perhaps he is saving it all for when he comes home. We have spoken at length about what needs to change so we are on the same page about that, but as regards to repairing our R, what other actions might he be taking or planning to take? I know that already I am taking the lead in that department, sending the link for the love quiz and also buying the book for him is just one example. I continue to read and think about making our relationship better.........I feel again I seem to be the one putting in the effort. Am I being too harsh? He's not really a big research/book person so what I would do is not necessarily what he would do. I'm pretty sure he has no concrete plan about how to repair us or even how to go about it, he will just put a lot of effort into rebuilding a close physical and emotional connection....maybe that's fine too? I will look forward to that.....we have always been a very 'loved up' couple and I miss that very much.

I also keep in mind what SF posted to me about allowing my H to do some heavy lifting in the marriage, so I sent him an email providing a link to the 'contrition' article. I wrote that his reaction to my request for phone access was not contrition and I questioned his commitment to change and repair. I asked him about what repair looked like to him, if he had any ideas how to go about it. I told him I had given him the space and time he needed to get his head sorted, I looked after our marriage and had faith we could repair while he had removed his ring and acted as though he were single. I supported and encouraged him, kept our connection going even as he was running away after contact and building a connection with FA. I told him I now needed him to take over and do the heavy lifting, that I needed a break.

Shortly after he rang me and asked me what I meant exactly.....he was frightened I meant that he couldn't come home or I had changed my mind. I explained that I hadn't, but that he needed to do some work in repairing us. It put him in a 'spin' and he got panicky and anxious and started to think 'dumb thoughts' as he put it. I asked him if he had strategies to cope with those thoughts....he said he did (thank you counselling!!).

My truth darts are making him look at his actions. He agreed with everything I said. I was very surprised. But these same darts caused him to feel anxious and panicky, although he also said that his reaction should not stop me from throwing more.

Maybe I need to 'back off' a bit. He is clearly still not 100% and I am wondering if I am putting 'pressure' on him when he still needs time to fully recover from his depression. Don't know, but if I don't call him out over those things that concern me, I'm afraid I will just let things 'slide' and then we are back where we started again. When I remember BDs 1 & 2 I recall there was no real contrition, no real acknowledgement of the damage inflicted and no change. That is NOT going to happen this time. I need to see change in him and I also need to change myself...for the better if we want our marriage to survive.

[No expectations]

Hi Mae,

A gentle 2X4 here.  When I read this, it seems to me that you are still the one doing the work. 

I also had to ask myself what actions other than words (he's been pretty good with those) is he currently displaying that indicate his awareness and commitment to change? It was really hard to come up with anything concrete but maybe I am being too harsh, after all perhaps he is saving it all for when he comes home. We have spoken at length about what needs to change so we are on the same page about that, but as regards to repairing our R, what other actions might he be taking or planning to take? I know that already I am taking the lead in that department, sending the link for the love quiz and also buying the book for him is just one example. I continue to read and think about making our relationship better.........I feel again I seem to be the one putting in the effort. Am I being too harsh? He's not really a big research/book person so what I would do is not necessarily what he would do. I'm pretty sure he has no concrete plan about how to repair us or even how to go about it, he will just put a lot of effort into rebuilding a close physical and emotional connection....maybe that's fine too? I will look forward to that.....we have always been a very 'loved up' couple and I miss that very much.

Twice there you asked if you are being too harsh on him.  This about a man that has left you three times.  That has started at least an EA with someone.  That does not take responsibility for repairing the damage. 

Even when you acknowledge he should be doing the "Heavy lifting", you sent him a link to an article.  If it were me, I would be afraid he won't ever fix himself, why should he, if I'm always there to spoon feed him?

If you are asking yourself what actions you should be seeing, I'm afraid he's not done much.  And I'd be concerned about him coming home so soon. 

Just my opinion, for what it's worth.  But I don't want to see you set yourself up for more hurt, you've been through it more than enough.

[Mae]

Noex,

2x4 gratefully accepted. It doesn't look great does it? At least he is acknowledging the hurt and damage this time around....at BD#1 he claimed he 'did nothing wrong' and at BD#2 I had to initiate marriage counselling sessions and I expressed a lot of hurt and anger in those.....he barely acknowledged that. I know he seems uncaring but he actually isn't.....he is so loving and connected most of the time.

I do feel as though I am 'spoon feeding' a lot. I don't even know what repair looks like, it's obvious I never had it those previous times.

Even doing research on this board about repair/reconciliation still makes me feel as though I am doing the work, but then what should I do? I don't like to do just nothing other than stand back and watch his actions.