Hi everyone,
I'm onto a new thread now, can someone please link my old thread.
It's nearly 8am in the morning and H has run away again after spending the night with me.
What to say about yesterday.....it was incredibly awkward, sad, bitter-sweet, loving, intimate....I ran through the whole gamut of emotions.
At one point I doubted whether he would make it down to me......whether the universe was conspiring against us to prevent it from happening.
Firstly H had his last day in his job on Thursday and a farewell dinner/evening that's why he couldn't make it down on Thursday night. Then secondly BF (in a drunken state) decides that H being around the general vicinity of his wife was inappropriate and punches were thrown....this is NOT the first time that has happened in fact I can recall at least one other time BF flipped out with my H.....it's all apologies etc the next day but in the meantime it left H kind of stranded Thursday night as he is sleeping on BFs couch. So he got to sleep on someone else's couch that night. Then the next day he got called into work on Easter Friday....yes the job that he officially finished on Thursday....to do some emergency work around flooding in certain parts of the country. Ok fine....he had to work most of the day and then he had to pick up the car from BF and sort out the fall-out from the evening before....that took an hour....again BF apologizes etc. So now he is on the road. He got here at around 5pm.
The first couple of hours are very very awkward......H seems very tired and ready to fall asleep.....little interaction etc. I get upset....then upset with myself because obviously I had 'expectations' when I shouldn't have....so I'm berating myself and taking deep breaths etc. I'm thinking this is crazy....so I tell my H that if he doesn't want to be here or see me then perhaps he should leave.....it turns out that far from not wanting to being here H feels like he's intruding in my house and feels very very uncomfortable....I guess he is seeing how well I am managing the house both inside and out and he's now an 'outsider'. So we work our way through that.....he asks me want I want to do do and I tell him I just want to lie on our bed with him....so we do and well.......stuff happens.....it was wonderful.
Then we decide to get up and catch a movie....we are both sci-fi buffs, so we drive to see 'Ghost in the Shell'.....ok the movie was pretty disappointing but it was wonderful seeing it with him....almost normal.
I don't initiate any R talk but we do talk about his work, the new role he will be going into....we touch on how he's doing, the kids.....generally the stuff we would talk about normally if he were home. I do point out that he needs to move out from staying with BF as his presence seems to be putting pressure on the relationship between BF and his wife. I also discuss his interaction with BF's wife and ask if he has a 'separate' friendship with her i.e. does he text her on his phone etc....he says he doesn't, his interaction with her is generally through BF....ok seems fine there. I ask if there is anyone else........he says there isn't.
We get home and go to bed....lots of cuddles etc. In the morning he tells me his feels 'sick' ......oh was my cooking that bad? NO he says he is beginning to feel like he did when he first left....ok...that I can deal with because I remember that same process happening after BD #2, we would have contact, be intimate etc and then the next day he begins to withdraw again....at least now I understand that process.
How can you feel both 'connected and detached' at the same time? Because I feel both of these things.....and yet these are not at war with one another inside me, it's more like that those feelings which would seem opposites are interconnected, like yin and yang. I feel at once deeply connected to him as my H and the H I have always known and yet separate too, his leaving abruptly this morning was met with compassion and equanimity. I'm not a mess.......in fact once again through this contact I think I have a good 'handle' where my H is at....I'm not cycling, I'm neither sad nor joyful...just kind of calm and accepting.
His progression through his depression is tracking along similar to the one following BD#2 in terms of time.
His is seeing a counselor which he says seems to be helping but has not seen a doctor for medication. I strongly encouraged him to explore that option.
He is going to start looking for his own place now that our finances have been sorted.
He has no idea how to start the repair work on his relationship with D.
In my estimation he has a long way to go.......but then so do I.
He has lost so much weight....he's the slimmest I have seen him, about 82kg....and I'm around 57kg (thank you MLC diet)....he's not eating much, neither am I....more from habit now and the fact that it doesn't take much food to fill my stomach these days.
And now it's back to our regularly scheduled programme. Busy day today for me, a big family dinner for my Mum, gym, looking after grandson.....ok grandson is the busy aspect. I am hoping to spend a day with grand-daughters and a day out in my garden over the Easter holiday break.
Old Thread:
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8818.0
Now that I'm here again.....
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