[Mae]

Update....

Back from an overnighter with H in his 'love pad'.  It was the first time I've seen his small apartment. It's nice but not where he wants to be, it's just a holding space for him until he can come home. So he was nervous over our first meet up for a while and after everything that happened and so was I.

It was sad, it was happy, it was bittersweet. We had WHS that was amazing but  thoughts of EA and the things I read and saw on H's phone and facebook messenger intruded. I tried to just enjoy the time with him and I did but I also felt the hurts....it's still fresh.

He looks pretty good, much much better than a few weeks after BD when he looked a wreck. We talked about a whole bunch of stuff such as what caused him to leave. This conversation was very enlightening, he acknowledged that he needs to communicate more about his needs, he didn't and kept them bottled up until he no longer could.

We did full disclosure and I was able to check his phone, facebook etc. I learnt a few things that he got up to when he left.

1. He went out a few times and got drunk, really drunk. On these occasions he kissed girls at the club, some groping may have occurred also. He did not know the girls and his work mates chucked him in a cab before things got really out of hand.
2. He took his ring off for a couple of weeks (I didn't know this) and considered putting a profile on Tinder....he didn't and the ring went back on.
3. He did consider himself separated and single for a short period of time when there was very little communication between us.

Burgeoning EA was already over when I read about it. He said it never would have gone further than what it did. He has cut off all contact/communication with her, other than the odd occasion where they may see each other in the elevator at work.

He hates not being able to come home to us and being excluded from our family life now. I hate it too.

Do I think I got full disclosure.....well yes. I don't think he slept with anyone or that things progressed further than what he told me and what I read with EA.

What is happening now......counselling will start with D14 and him first week of June. If this goes well and their relationship gets better she may indicate he can return home.

In some ways I feel I have taken several steps backwards, I feel insecure, needy and needing reassurance from H....I feel as though I have been 'sucked back in. My self-esteem has taken a real hammering and yet I can see that I have taken great strides since our separation....it's only when I am back with him that I feel insecure and needy. I feel like I need to be constantly reassured and he isn't even home yet......this is tough.

I do like being at home and having it to myself....this has become my 'sanctuary'. When I'm with him thoughts of our separation, our relationship....these things crowd my mind. When I'm home again just D and I, I am at peace......GEE doesn't take a genius to figure out which option is healthier for me at this stage huh?

I'm so tired, we had to sleep on this awkward pull out couch thingy that was hard and uncomfortable. I won't see him again for another two weeks. I wish....I wish this feeling of calm and peace would last.

[Mae]

It's funny but a few days post visit with my H.....I am enjoying this phase.

I have an H that is full of regret, has taken ownership of the devastation he caused when he left and has analysed the reasons why he left. He has clearly done some introspection work. When we talked over the weekend he explained the build-up of pressure inside him, his isolation at home, my busyness, the dysfunctional relationship with D and S leaving home to go to university and other stuff....to me it made perfect sense, all the stuff he explained....TRUE and I had to take responsibility for my own actions in contributing to his break-down....which I did however he 100% owned it, said none of it was my fault and that it was his own inability to communicate and articulate his needs which is what he has always done, the pressure built up and was triggered by huge work stress until he blew apart, devastating everyone.

He had a bad day yesterday and was tearing up at certain points at work so much he had to escape to the bathroom. My H is a guy that rarely cries so it must have been pretty bad. He is looking at his situation and having a pity party I guess. His new bed arrived....no more hard sofa bed....he said that instead of being happy about sleeping in a proper bed it's just making the separation worse, as if the bed is another symbol of his separation from us.

We have talked quite a bit about his depression, his journey through it. He said counselling really helped him sort out his feelings and understand himself better. I'm forever poking and prodding into his mind, dissecting his actions, asking him what he thought and felt at certain points in his timeline. He did admit that at one point it got really really bad....like suicidal bad.....I was really shocked to hear that. I haven't dissected that much....I am still trying to get the timeline sorted....I lost my phone and our text messages over the separation was a kind of journal of that time...now I am struggling to timeline his journey as I try in 'fill in the gaps'.

He is very open. He got a bit upset at one point when I asked for his phone so that I could go through it, he handed it over immediately but then kind of grumpily asked when I would stop checking it....I replied when I felt I didn't need to anymore.....I already feel I don't need to but I won't tell him that.

He is answering all of my questions and rehashing of the short-lived semi EA that occurred. Last night I quizzed him again when he stopped talking with Prettygirl, he said when he moved roles and she wasn't in his work space anymore....so out of sight, out of mind. By the time I found the tame messages between them it was long over. When I first discovered them he didn't even know what what I was ranting about.......it wasn't until he went back over his messages and read them himself through objective eyes that he saw what I was upset about. I also asked if it was hard for him to stop contact....his reply 'No', it happened naturally as he changed roles. He said it was hard to have the face-to-face contact with her to formally end their friendship....because it was awkward and it was in its death throes naturally anyway. I asked him if he thought he would have gotten together with her.....he said 'no'....I asked him if he missed their friendship, he said 'nope'. I asked him if he meant what he said at BD 'ILYBNILWY'....he sighed and said that he has always loved me, there's never been a point when he hasn't loved me, that he was just searching for an excuse to leave.

He did say that sometimes having contact with me was hard....I understood immediately what he meant.....I asked him if he wanted less contact or no contact he said he wanted contact. I remember after Easter when he rang me because I had suddenly gone dim being unhappy with the lack of contact from him (he thought I wanted it that way)....he said when I asked for more contact and a phone call every day....it made him so happy......remembering that makes me happy.

D and I continue to live in relative peace and harmony at home....she complains that I don't cook anymore....I don't apologise for that...I LOVE not having to cook a meal everyday.....she says 'Mum I'm sick of takeaways every day'...and I'm like 'bohoo.....not going to change', she could always cook for herself (but realistically I can't see THAT happening)....and our oven is broken....I need to get it fixed.

I am actually enjoying my life. I am reconnecting with H....in that we have a level of intimacy (yes a lot of that is the honeymoon phase kicking in) that is wonderful. I am processing the EA (and really it was hardly that) and I'm nearly done with it and the hurt, I am still processing the kissing and possible groping of random girls whilst in a drunken state....but pretty sure once I talk this through with H a couple more times I can put that to rest as well. I've talked through his admission that the ring came off for a short period of time.....I still need to process that a bit more......what I'm saying is I've got it pretty sweet if I'm honest. I have reconnection with H, lots of contact and a level of intimacy that I haven't had with him in a while both physical and emotional. I have the peace and quiet of home and a great routine with D. I have a sense of self and a rediscovery of myself that is continuing.

BUT I feel a little tired and drained now. The anger and high emotions that gave me a lot of energy to reorganise my life, get stuck into the house and gardens, go the gym etc is abating.....I miss that and I will need to reignite that 'spark' again that got me through such a difficult period.....now I need it to improve myself even more and keep me moving forward.

Oh I am proud of myself though, when I arrived home on the Sunday after visiting H, I had a nap then got up and went for a run. I did 10ks.(6.2 miles)...I did it easily.....I am absolutely thrilled, I have never run so easily for so long in my life....my gym work is really paying off. I plan to run 10ks every weekend, maybe it can be a Sunday thing. I turned 50 too whilst on the cruise.....enjoying my health and fitness.

[1phoenix]

Mae,

Sounding good for you

[FaithWalker]

Happy belated birthday, Mae!

Good to read your recent updates.  This phase sounds good, I hope it continues!

[No expectations]

Mae,

Your H sounds a lot like mine.  Taking responsibility for his crisis,  trying to figure himself out.  I really don't question my h at this point but I don't know if that would change if it looks like he's taking the steps to truly come home.

We've definitely been drawing closer and reconnecting.   I hope it continues for us, and for you as well.   And happy belated birthday!!

[Mae]

Yes Noex I can see the movement your H is making....that's been a long time coming huh? It just seemed as if he were completely stuck wallowing around....but maybe he's been processing too.....I loved the way you could remain detached and connected at the same time....I don't think I would have had the patience. I know you will be watching him with interest whilst still doing your own thing.

Since my H and I have had our first major reconnection last weekend, I couldn't stop myself from questioning him over and over again trying to fill in the gaps. That need has lessened considerably as I process and his openness to answer any and all questions....he's not trying to hide anything from me as far as I can tell. I still need to get the timeline down on paper so I can process what I remember him saying to me and what he was actually doing. So for example if he was telling me he missed me and loved me but was going out on the weekend, getting drunk and kissing random girls....I wouldn't be too pleased about that.

My H has had a tough couple of days. On Monday he was nearly melting down at work realising his situation and the consequences of his actions. He's been telling me that he has talked to a few guys at work and he's amazed that a few are going through something very similar to him. One guy in particular is in almost exactly the same situation as H EXCEPT this guy has not run away. H has been telling him recently DO NOT make the same mistake I made (i.e. run away) he will regret it dearly as H is doing now.....BUT then I wonder maybe 'running away' was exactly what H needed to do to force him to face the demons he was trying to escape from.

Then on Tuesday my H had devastating news on the work front. His old team and the whole unit which was established to support not only his team but many others.....they received news that it was being disestablished, leaving masses of people without jobs. He got out of there at exactly the right time, his old job is gone.....he dodged a bullet, we are both hugely relieved and yet he felt really bad for his old work mates.

He is feeling the separation much more keenly than I am......which is unsurprising. He is alone by himself in a small apartment. He goes to work, he goes to the gym and he goes back to the apartment.....sad and lonely most of the time. Meanwhile I have our lovely house, my family all around me and D14.......on a daily basis he has no-one to go home to, no one to support or comfort him other than me through the phone, no wonder he is struggling.

I am also trying to 'soften' up D14 to being open to relationship repair with H. Not sure it is working but I think she is listening. We will see come the counselling session first week of June. Some have said to me not to lift a finger to help H in that department...but I couldn't NOT help....I want my family back together, I want my H to have a close and loving relationship with D because he is missing out on so much with her....I will do all I can to make that happen if I am in a position to do so and I am. He knows he has a lot of work to do to make things right with her and if I can get her to the place where she will let him that is half the battle won.

So H and I continue to repair and reconnect and plan for the future. If all goes well with D  by the third session of counselling (fingers crossed) she may indicate to her Dad he can come home. He would move back on the weekend no doubt, he would give notice in his apartment (three weeks) but he would not hang around, he'd be back straight away. I estimate he will be home by the beginning of July.

[Savoir Faire]

Things are sounding good Mae, let's hope they continue in a positive direction

[Mae]

Had a hard phone call conversation tonight with H, we usually have several texts throughout the day and an evening catch up. He was sick so he wasn't feeling the best however tonight was the night I had set aside to get a good handle on his timeline, what he did and when. It was hard work......it was not that H was resistant to telling me or maybe he was slightly but he also mentioned that he didn't like to think about 'the dark times' again and that it was really hard to place his thoughts and actions into a sequence.....I understand that. I told him I needed to understand his journey, I needed to put the pieces of the puzzle together so I could process it, understand it and move on, so I wasn't assuming or imagining what he was doing/feeling. So this was not a lovey dovey phone call tonight......this was a 'here's what I need from you at this point H'...I think he struggled with that a little. He's going to do what I asked. More poking and prodding into his mind....I never did that the last two times.....but this time I'm not letting it slide.

[No expectations]

Hi Mae,

Yes Noex I can see the movement your H is making....that's been a long time coming huh?

  Actually, in terms of MLC, I am still quite a "newbie".  BD was September 2016 so only 8 months ago.  I didn't think at the time that 8 months would fly by, but it has.  I fully expect he will still need time and space for a while, but I am also hoping that since he's actively working on trying to get through his issues that it won't take him as long as the typical MLC timeline.

I have thought about H's timeline too.  There are a few things I really don't understand, but I have decided that it's really of no consequence to me.  I know without a doubt there was an EA, and a PA, with OW.  I'm sure she's gone now.  I know when that all started he was lying to me.  I have to understand that if I ask him things that make him feel pressured, he will lie about them now.  So I'm satisfied living my own life, taking one day at a time.

I hope that with the answers you got from H, you are able to move forward, Mae.  It's so unbelievable what happens to our H's.

[Savoir Faire]

Thanks for letting us know how your H was feeling during this time.  It would be helpful for all the LBS's who read here to have you post the feelings your H had about his crisis so we can gain knowledge into the mind of the MLCer.

Thanks