[1phoenix]

Maybe they are all 1/2 brothers and 1/2 sisters?   


Has anyone figured out why they do this? 

[OffRoad]

.. he is doing so mucb more than we ever did as a couple. It kinda makes me angry in a way. Whatever... I guess he can pretend he loves his new life and is haooy for as long as he can. Sure wush he would hit rock bottom thiugh

I think this is just their running from themselves. When they were with us they could sit still and be ok with it. Now they need to keep themselves busy to keep themselves from thinking about their situation. My H is totally overextending himself right now with his work and frankly before he was lazy. He's working up to 16 hours a day right now. It's insane.

That^^^^^Right there. If my H had had a tenth of that gumption before, he might not feel so rushed to get everything done before he dies.

[Not Applicable]

Well, I think my husband is realizing it. He's been working without getting paid anything for about 4 months for the hospital that opened this week and he is the director of it, and this morning him telling me they were finally going to discuss his salary today, I sort of told him that this was wrong and he admitted, "I know, I underestimate myself." In fact, perhaps "lazy" is the wrong word, lacking in self-confidence is more like it.

Maybe an MLC is inevitable but this lack of self-confidence all these years put us in unwanted circumstances that he used to justify his MLC behavior.

[sparklestar]

I think it's probably the case for many (and definitely my H) is they don't have a firm identify - they literally don't know who they are. My H has always changed styles and would even change his style day to say dependant in what we were doing or where we were going which is normal to a degree and I do it to. But changing your personality is another thing. It's like you're uncomfortable with yourself so you adopt someone else's. It's another form of distraction. My H even said at BD when he was sobbing and felt nothing that he felt like he was acting day in day out. They are lost.

it almost goes back to the theory on life stages and that the mid life is a known stage like for eh adolescent. And think about teenagers and how they change their identify and experiment all the time - same thing. There's a definite link.

[BrenM]

I think it's probably the case for many (and definitely my H) is they don't have a firm identify - they literally don't know who they are. My H has always changed styles and would even change his style day to say dependant in what we were doing or where we were going which is normal to a degree and I do it to. But changing your personality is another thing. It's like you're uncomfortable with yourself so you adopt someone else's. It's another form of distraction. My H even said at BD when he was sobbing and felt nothing that he felt like he was acting day in day out. They are lost.

it almost goes back to the theory on life stages and that the mid life is a known stage like for eh adolescent. And think about teenagers and how they change their identify and experiment all the time - same thing. There's a definite link.

Sparklestar - yes I agree that they don't know who they really are.  Constantly being influenced by others to be someone who they perceive as being acceptable.  I still believe this has to do with emotional abuse whilst growing up.  My husbands father was/still is a narcissistic mongrel always putting people down, making them feel not good enough.  Guess you can only take so much abuse until you crack mentally.  It is just really sad.  I pray that MLCers do find themselves with little destruction to others, especially their own children, who they would never intentionally hurt or destroy.

[beyondblessed]

I also agree that they have no sense of identity, but it makes no sense to me why they make the leap to giant @$$holes.  One would think that if they are trying on new personalities, they'd want to become someone better received than the one they exhibited before.  My xh was always difficult to get along with and more people than not described him as an @$$hole, but now he seems to be just a worse version of himself, according to friends of mine who work with him.  Nothing has really changed with him.  All the anger, vengeance, selfishness and just plain jerk are still alive and well with him.

[bluerose]

       Beyond done,
                Maybe being a giant @$$hole is their life long ambition. The thing they have been working towards their whole lives. I think they have done a phenomenal job of achieving this. Golf clap for all of them. Go @$$holes!!!

[sparklestar]

Beyond my h wasn't at all an ahole. He was affable, friendly, likeable and a nice guy! He got on with everybody. He was just a relaxed laid back lad that loved football, his friends, he was wholesome and trust worthy. He changed when he got made senior at work and started to be influenced by not very nice people -  he became a darker more sinister, harder version and started drinking more doing cocaine etc. He left his nice personality behind. It's so sad.

He was a bit of a chameleon and so I guess he's turned in to the type of person he sees as being successful in his world and left his nice life behind in the process. He's honestly a cheap tacky version of himself....

[nah]

I also agree that they have no sense of identity, but it makes no sense to me why they make the leap to giant @$$holes.  One would think that if they are trying on new personalities, they'd want to become someone better received than the one they exhibited before. 

There you go Beyond, thinking like a rational person.

Thing is, if you believe MLC might be real, MLC is not rational.

Mine also throughout life hovered in the @sshole category to many people.  Thing is, before his leap into giant @sshole, the one thing I always gave him is he ALWAYS put family first, until now.

So if he was looking for a change why would one choose down in the gutter instead of reaching higher to something better??

IMO, I think this is where the OP comes into play.

Now, I have never been one to blame the OP.  Yes, I believe they suck BUT I didn't marry the girl so I don't get into the "it's all her fault" game BUT.... this is for trying to understand reasons only.

These MLCers are weak.  Especially Vanishers, they are cowards to the highest degree.  I still believe something happened to my husband.  His sudden changes and choices are just too weird for plain old, he fell out of love.  I believe he lost the ability to make rational choices.  I know that's a factor to why he was fired, he lost his ability to make decisions.

So here is a weak-minded, fire trucked up guy looking to escape.  Now if he meets a rational person with high morals and he tries to run away with that person, they will reject him.  Why?  Because strong people do not hook up with married people. 

That's why they hook up with fire trucked up people.  They aren't looking for someone better than their spouses, they are looking for someone worse than themselves. 

They met, they hook up, and they give all the power to this person.  That way they no longer have to make decisions, the other person will do all the decision making for them. 

I know for a fact that the girl use to walk around the scrap yard and make decisions for the Leaver.  He handed all the power to her.  It was like Monica Lewinsky running the country. 

So of course, the OP is weak-minded and can't believe their luck they get to lead around and make decisions for, these formally good men.  Sometimes I wonder if they get off on seeing how low they can make these men go.   

No wonder these guys are hiding.  Even they probably can't believe how low they have sunk.

[bluerose]

       Very well put.