[BrenM]

I offen wonder (and live in hope) if vanishers will ever fall down in a heap and reality sets in?  For them to finally see the path of destruction that they alone have caused and somehow make an attempt at repairing the damage.  Surely they can't keep running away forever?

My Vanisher is still running after 2.5 years. He makes out to family and friends that he is blissfully happy with the manipulating younger OW living the life!  Unfortunately a good friend of his has recently told me that he is not in a good place mentally. Informed me that H went to the gym for 4 hours on Christmas Day - I ask why would you do this if you are living with the woman of your dreams? He works out of town during the week and is only home on weekends. Sounds odd to me.

I live in hope daily, am I silly?  Am I a desperate woman who fears growing old lonely? Are my gut instincts betraying me?  I don't know anymore.  I struggle constantly.

He very rarely contacts our 4 children - they may receive a repetitive text every 8-10 weeks.  H never asks how they are in the message.  The children who he once idolised and who he would sacrifice everything for now mean nothing. Our daughter suffers from anxiety and depression (due to the destruction he has caused) and has not been to school for 16 months.  She is on anti-depressants.. Sadly H shows no concern for his princess?   I just don't buy any of his rubbish?   I am still totally confused.

Stillbaffled, it is funny how people feel compelled to keep you updated on the Ex's, irrespective if you don't really care.  I guess people have already seen through his lies and have judged the situation themselves.  One positive out of this Mlc crap for me is learning not to care what people think.  I just live for myself and my family. 

[bluerose]

       Having hope isnt silly, its love.

[beyondblessed]

Wow Beyond. That's crazy.

Yes, totally crazy.  Walking away from that train wreck was not a difficult decision, although it hurt like hell at BD.  There is no changing what's been done, never mind the crazy family dynamics that set it off.  Getting my life back was the smartest thing I could do. 

[Saskia]

Newbie here but not new to mlc.

I have been reading along on and off for a long time now. So pleased to see a thread regarding vanishers.

My BD was April 2012, "I've had an affair and I'm not proud of myself" he told me it was over and we carried on for another 2 years not talking to the white elephant. Long story short he left in June 2014 to live with the much younger woman.

Very little contact when he divorced me and no contact since. He is getting married this year and from what little I hear with no regrets.

All this after 28 years married and together 32 years. School sweethearts, very happy marriage.

Now do they ever wake up. I am beginning to think I must be going mad. I have not seen him in 2 and a half years. I clearly do not even exist.

But still I stand.

[OldPilot]

Added in the links for the original vanisher series to the front of this and #1 thread

[beyondblessed]

Regrets?  Some probably have them, some probably never will.  They left with the thought of never looking back, and that is a path that most stick to regardless of the regret.  They've already blown their lives apart, so going back is usually not an option for them.  Too much damage, too much pride.  Too much work to fix what they've broken.

[Saskia]

I still live in hope. All he will get from me if I ever do hear from him is love and understanding with strong boundaries.

[nah]

This my opinion and my opinion only, it has nothing to do with the theories of Hero Spouse.

Most agree that MLCers generally fall into a category from wallowers, clingers, to vanishers.  Many can float from one group to another.  Many times we say our MLCers are vanishers b/c we are use to seeing them everyday for 10, 20, 30 years or more and then poof they are gone.  Most of the ones we call vanishers, though, are really off and on, as there is some contact, it may be vary sparse, but there is contact.

Now we LBSers are all different too.  Beyonddone, is done (hence the name  ) and I think she might be uncommon on here (because this is generally a standing forum) but more common in real life as let's face it, we have been sh!t on by our spouses and many of us on here just keep on taking it.  I don't think anybody is more right or wrong then the other, we each have to follow our own hearts and heads to decide how much we can take.

I was generally applauded in real life for dating right away but questioned on here.  I didn't mind the questions, again this is a standing forum, so I expected them.  I was here b/c I needed to understand what the heck was going on with my husband.  He was my world.  I loved him wholeheartedly and I still have love for him, just can't seem to shut it off.

So where am I going with all of this?

I do believe in taking time to get on our feet.  BD is a big deal.  It's your journey so relax the best you can until you can smile again.  The smile does eventually come back.  I do believe in the advise to GAL as much as possible, I have done so much in the last 4 years it would take a novel to list everything.  I can't stress enough that the OP is NOTHING.... yes it hurts like Hell but do your best to treat the OP as an "it".  That relationship will eventually run it's course and it's better if it does without our involvement.  Best choice I ever made was to step way back from that drama.

I believe my husband had the potential to be a true vanisher.  He had the money, the means, and the enormous weight of guilt to just disappear but he didn't.

Here's the reasons I think why....

1) This is something only you can look at for yourself but I always knew we had a very good marriage.  It was filled with laughter and love.  He can't take that away from me.  His "monster" was very vague such as "we're not on the same page" b/c he really had nothing.  I wasn't perfect but even he couldn't say that I didn't love him/them with all my heart. 

2)  I backed way off very early.  I let him go on his journey and didn't fight it.  I filed for divorce within days of BD.

3)  I never attacked.  He wanted space, I gave it to him.

4)  Here's the one I haven't often talked about on here, maybe because I thought I would get clobbered, but I want to share it with those of you who feel helpless.

5)  I contact him.  Not often but I do.  The "no contact" rule is for boundaries generally for clingers so you can prevent cake eating or safe yourself from "monster".  For vanishers, there is no cake..... not even crumbs, there is no monster, only a ghost.

Four months after BD, I sent him a message on our wedding anniversary.  "I miss you and I wish you were home"
No response.

Eight months post BD, for Christmas I sent him a family photo album that I put together, it was beautiful.
He hated it, in fact he mentioned just a few weeks ago, more than THREE YEARS later, said it made him feel guilty.  Hey buddy, your guilt is due to your choices.

The next summer, at the courthouse when the divorce was finalized, I pushed his lawyer that he was hiding behind and gave him a big hug, "I hope this helps you find what you are looking for".... and walked away.

A few months later at his father's funeral, again, I hugged him (in front of the girl) and said, "He never said it but your father loved you, it's time to think of what kind of legacy YOU want to leave.  I pulled away, looked into his eyes and said, "I still love you" and walked away.
Our shared hairdresser said he was crying in her chair the next week, he couldn't get out the words that I had said.

To be continued

[beyondblessed]

Thank you, Nah, for trying to see this from my perspective, rather than just demonizing me for choosing the best path for ME.  And, just as you've said, I am very uncommon on here.  There are a couple more on here who are also completely done, MsMed comes to mind, simply because our stories and xh's are so uncannily similar.  We both continue to post our thoughts on all of this and also about our new Rs and how this nonsense (taking the $h!te) doesn't have to be then end of your life.....it is very likely, as in both our cases, the beginning of one better than you've ever imagined.  I loved my xh too, but he's moved on, and there was no point from then on for me to stand around waiting to do the same.

[nah]

I loved my xh too, but he's moved on, and there was no point from then on for me to stand around waiting to do the same.

Yes I believe you did and I guess that's where I'm going with this...

Each person knows themselves and their MLCer better than anyone else on here.  Sure this MLC crap threw us all into a different world than what we were use to, but once the dust settles I think our own heart tell us what we should do.

For me, just b/c my husband was behaving unlike I had ever seen him that didn't mean he had the power to change my core.  Yes, I feel like I lost myself for awhile but in time I started to feel like myself again.

For me, I knew I had to date, it felt right to me.  I had to experience things I had never imagined, such as traveling by myself, going to different countries, even little things like trying new foods and changing my style (less mom, more adult).  Those things I did for me. 

Like I started to write above, then I reached out to him, not often but I did.  Sometimes he responded angrily (the Christmas photo album), sometimes not at all (our anniversary), many times he sent just a simple, "thank you", but sometimes especially lately (but a few times closer to BD) I got a bigger responses.

Funny thing, I didn't really do it to lure him back.  It was for me.  Just because he was behaving badly and ignoring me didn't mean I had to do the same to him.  I really don't regret these interactions.  It was just me being kind to a man that use to be my husband.  I really don't care if he thinks there were ulterior motives or not.  When we talked a few weeks ago (and we were yelling at each other) he said, "you only contact me when you want money".  I corrected him with several of examples of me reaching out without money being involved.  Just this Christmas I sent him a family keepsake with zero motives attached.

He never did the same for me, I never expected him to, again it was only me being me and I like to be kind to the person I use to know.

He said, "oh yeah, that was nice.  Thank you"

I think on here sometimes we get obsessed with the "rules", but there are no rules, just advise.

If you want to stay no contact, then of course stay no contact, but as long as you don't have any high expectations.... what's the harm in reaching out?  I don't mean begging, stalking, sending long winded messages, just small gestures, like mail a small package with a note, "hey, I found this xx in the basement and thought you might want it" or whatever, you will know when it comes.  What's he going to do?  Disappear??