[sparklestar]

Nah I have often wondered about this contact / no contact thing. On the one hand I am tempted sometimes to reach out but then get caught by the rules. I have sent a letter but that yielded nothing. My gut feeling from day one was not to contact to leave this to roll along. And ow checks everything. From the outside it could look like he has just lived on. He lives with ow in a nice house, she works for him and they seem settled. But again my gut tells me it's not quite as simple as that. I know she has tried to contact her ex late at night, I also see from social media that she goes and walks her digs at the place her ex always goes to. She is also copying me. She has recreated pics from mine and H's social media accounts literally carbon copies of some pics and the most recent one is a pic of some interior decor which is a really crappy and cheap recreation of the type of thing I post (I have an account focused on interiors and run a blog).

I also agree that we know our H's and so we should have more of a feeling about what might happen but my H justvtitakky changed and the behaviour I see and the way he is with me is just so baffling it's hard to work out or trust that innermost knowing. I can't tell if it's me just being deluded and hopeful that this will all turn around or whether there is a chance.

[Tyks]

Wow, Nah. Well said

The only reason I am nc is bc after the contact I am an emotional mess for a few days. I am not strong enough yet to talk to him or see him. He would be pleasant to me and act friendly. I can't do that right now. A friend doesn't treat you like that.

I regard my h as a vanisher bc we only talk sporadically abiut kids or the making of our seoaration agreement. Other than that I believe that he is quite happy not talking to me or seeing me. Let's face it, if he wanted to see me or spend time with me he would ask. And the last email which was posted on my thread waa clear to me. He does not want to see me or spend time with me  that to me is a vanisher

[nah]

And ow checks everything.

ss-- she checks everything???  GOOD!!

Let her be the crazy one.

I have never, ever in four years acknowledged that his girl has a name.  She is a non-entity.

No, they will generally not receive a letter in a good way.  Nothing emotional is the key.

This Christmas I sent him a spam can that his grandmother decorated as Santa Claus that he had in the family for about 50 years.  I found it in our Christmas stuff so I sent it to him with a "Hey, I found this, Merry Christmas".  That's it.  When he got it he just sent a "Thank you, that was a nice surprise" and I responded, "I thought you would like it"  That's it.

The point is, I have kept it very light, not emotional, just kind gestures here and there.  Sure, I know it drives his girlfriend crazy.... so what!, He can deal with that crap.

Even if I don't get a "Happy Birthday", again, so what?  I send one to him, "Happy Birthday, hope you're having a good day".  Sometimes he responded, sometimes he didn't.  Sometimes I received a Happy Birthday, sometimes I didn't.

My nephew's girlfriend had a baby.  I sent him a message with a picture.  "Hey, look at this head of hair, I'm in heaven".  That was it.  He responded to that one and we went back and forth a few times about the new baby.  In the past I have timed it for when I thought she wouldn't be around (such as work hours).

Now I don't do this every week or even every month, we have gone long periods of time without interactions.

Over the years sometimes it increased, sometimes it has tapered off.  As long as you keep your expectations low, I really don't see the harm.

[nah]

The only reason I am nc is bc after the contact I am an emotional mess for a few days. I am not strong enough yet to talk to him or see him. He would be pleasant to me and act friendly. I can't do that right now. A friend doesn't treat you like that.

If you don't like it, then don't do it.

You are still very early in.  When I sent the photo album the first Christmas, I did have expectations and I was crushed when I knew he received the package that I put so much thought into and he didn't even send me a "thank you".  He took it one step further and he was mad.

Yes, in the beginning I did expect he would at least respond.  After time, like I said, it was no longer about him but about me.  Like my nephew, he was three when I met the Leaver in 1984, he was very close to the Leaver.  Heck, they worked together for almost 20 years.  So why shouldn't I send him a picture of the baby?

I know your husband feels like a vanisher to you right now but it's still very early.  If contact doesn't feel good to you, don't do it.  You know your heart better than I do.

If you change your mind at any time, you can do that too.  You get to make the rules.

[Shocked]

I'm not sure I'm attached so here I am! I'm going to have to see my vanisher for the first time in 8 months for my daughters graduation. Not sure how to handle it!!! Any advice?

[nah]

Buy a new outfit, pull those shoulders back, head up and smile.   

Give your full attention to your daughter and have a great time.

[bluerose]

   Thats what i did. 2 months later he wanted to reconcile. Wasnt fully cooked and hecis gone again.

[BrenM]

Bluerose, I must have not read when you had a t&g.  I get disheartened on here sometimes, especially with Vanishers, there seems to be not progress at all.  Quite often I think I am standing for nothing.

[OldPilot]

  Quite often I think I am standing for nothing.

I think you need to re-think STANDING.

Its not STILL - its for YOU to keep moving forward and recover yourself!

[BrenM]

Thanks Old Pilot.  I do work on me.  I take one day at a time trying to recover though I believe we will be scarred forever.  The hurt and actions are just mind blowing, especially where my children are concerned.  Who goes out of their way to destroy their own children?  This is why I believe in the MLC.  My old ExH would never do anything to hurt his children.  Sometimes I just wish I could see or hear about a sign to give us all hope.....