[sparklestar]

Regarding the addiction thing I think that way in the past I remember my H's mum telling me he had a bit of a 'thing' with the slot machines as a teenager. He kept winning and they banned him. He however was never the kind of person to be out of control. He liked a drink but would always know when to stop - way better than me. I could probably count on one hand the amount of times he was drunk. He did used to like cocaine and again always rated on the safe side of control.

It's v hard to know whether or not there is any difference in this behaviour because I don't get to know what goes on - seeing what a vanisher is truly doing isn't easy! I can't imagine my H is out of control but I would say there's an amount of 'pacification' as in just enough to do some thing but never going beyond the point of control.

He did have a gym addiction - always had to be there and would get v moody if he couldn't go. But then I also found out that's where his dealer was so it could be linked.

I think that vanishers like other MLCrs are incredibly covert and secretive maybe more so than other types. I'm also astonished at the lying. I know H has lied the few times I have seen him and Ive worked out that he's lied from afar (through social media etc) But it's crazy the level of lies he wasn't ever like that....

Does anyone know if a vanisher has changed to being more of a clinger/boomerang at any point? I have read threads that looked like it cahhhes from maybe a wallower/ clinger etc to a vanisher but not the other way around?

[bluerose]

   Mine started out as a clinging boomarang but changed when the ow came into the picture. I have been told that can always change. Mine hasnt yet.

[nah]

Mine started out as a vanisher.

Lately he has been reaching out.

The true vanishers are rare, most of us have on and off.

It can go a long time.  After the divorce ( which took the 1st year) we had very little contact.  Two funerals and a sprinkle of messages, he didn't even wish me happy birthday when I turned 50.

I brought that up the other day and he apologized.

[BrenM]

Rossbren - thank you for listing all these names, I thought that there weren't many of us that have MLC that run and pretend we don't exist, seeing that I'm in good company really helps, sorry that you're all having to deal with this, but it does help to know I'm not the only one going through this.

It certainly is great knowing we aren't alone.  We are all on here to support each other.  We can all relate to the many stories and share our own.  Thank you Bluerose for starting this off, you have been a godsend. I love this site!!!

[beyondblessed]

Not only is my xh a vanisher, but his own father was an abandoning alcoholic...who ran for years, until he died alone in a hospital bed, from cirrhosis of the liver.  He was just 64 years old.7 kids and not a single one with him when he passed.  That was 6.5 years ago.  Tomorrow, he would've been 71 years old.  Wonder if xh even realizes tomorrow is his dad's birthday?  So, yep, after he abandoned the family of seven kids, including my xh, he ran, had several OW, and then proceed to drink himself to death.  I never was able to put 2 + 2 together because he was present in his own way once xh and I got together, so I just knew xh's mom was already bat$h!te crazy and his dad left her.  The woman is nuts, so I just assumed (maybe wrongly) that her psychosis drove him away and also drove him to drink, but who really knows now??

Now this leads to xh.  Many of you know that I always credited him for being g a great provider, but a lousy husband.    All learned from his parents R.  Anyway, he hardly ever touched alcohol during our M....always cited how it firetrucked his dad up.  Fast forward to BD and the D and now this man I don't even recognize now had it documented now and forever in black and white that as part of our D settlement, he was to receive all of the alcohol...opened and unopened.  Now, all of a sudden things become crystal clear to me, that for whatever reason, xh is on the same path his dad crashed and burned on.  And, xh's youngest brother is even a bigger firetrucking mess.  What he's done the last 6 months to his wife and daughter makes my xh's crap look boring and pedestrian in comparison.  Whatever the cause, they are one of the most jacked up families I've ever met.

[bluerose]

        Your welcome. I didnt expect much activity on it. I was reading posts 1 night and was bothered thatvmost people on here still hear i love you from their h's. I wanted to know if there was anyone that i could relate too or was going through and feeling the way i was. There were.

[nah]

Wow Beyond. That's crazy.

[nah]

Oh and Bluerose....

Every time I see your name I want to mention I have a tattoo of a blue rose on my shoulder. 

Ok... back to the thread.

[bluerose]

 Nah,
    Thats awesome. I ordered a blue rose bush a long time ago. I didnt have enough acid in the soil and it turned bright red. It was beautiful but i always wondered whatvit would have looked like blue.

[stillbaffled]

Attaching. 

It is nice to see the list of names of those of us with vanishers.  And a vanisher I certainly do have.  Last 10 word text message I had from mine was the first week of September 2016. 

I don't ask people about him but every so often brief snippets of what he and the OW are up to get dropped in my lap.  He continues to keep a pretty low profile in this tiny town.  He's a real tunnel rat, I guess.