I have been reading again and have come across a forum of a previous MLCer. Please note that this is not a complete story, entries have unfortunately been purged and forever lost. It does however give you an understanding of the mixed up mind of the MLCer. In some instances I thought it was my H writing these entries, just how script MLC is. From my readings I assume that he went back to his family.....
happy_again
We were young when we got married and had kids early. I knew it was a
mistake, yes I loved her but wasn't
ready for marriage.
Nothing I ever did was good enough for her so I decided to stop doing it.
I feel I was sold a bill of goods, she changed after the kids came and put
them first.
The sex was boring, and she gained like 30 pounds which made her ugly. She
blamed the weight on the
antidepressants, I think she was just too lazy to excercise. She was always
interfering in everything I did.
Wanting to read all of the cell phone bills and ask about the calls to my
friend, so what, she didn't care about
me.
So now I have my own life, my own space, I see my kids and I give her money
that is all I need to do for
her. For all of our married life she didn't need me or love me or want me
and all of a sudden she can't live without
She just wants to control me again and take over.
Well I am finally out of her grasp, we are friendly to each other and
polite.
There is no hope for this marriage because if I let my guard down she will
start again, as it took me years to
get the courage to leave I can't go back now.
Now she can go and get a job and help to support the family as I can't
support her forever.
My kids will be OK, I have told them that we love them and I am willing to
do anything for them.
I am sure they will eventually see the truth that their mother pushed me out
of the marriage with her control
and anger issues.
If only she would have listened years ago it would have worked out for us,
now she has made everyones life
bad because she refused to change.
happy_again
The last few years have been miserable so I moved out a year ago. She cried
and begged and wrote letters
saying she was sorry. She even called my friend and interfered with that
relationship. She even tried to
seduce me, wanted to ML to me, and I turned her down flat.
I just don't want to be controlled anymore I am sick of cowering to her. She
took care of everything and I let
her which was my mistake, but she wouldn't ever let go of the steering wheel
when it was time to hand it
over.
Sometimes I get so frustrated and even when I know she hasn't done anything
wrong I want to prove that
she is still the same manipulative B****h she has always been so I push her
buttons on purpose. I think she
is catching on so she doesn't always react anymore, more manipulation to get
me upset even more.
She will not let go of me, and I have told her it is over, but she lives in
this false hope that maybe I will
change my mind.She thinks God will change my heart.
Why should I stay if I can't stand her?I am gone now and have my freedom and
at least I get to make my
own choices now without her approval.
I do love her but I will not let my guard down ever again to her. I told her
that she will find someone else
and will get over me. I will never again tell her I love her or she will
think she has some hope.
Wouldn't you know it, now she has lost the weight, and looks great, but she
wouldn't do it for me when I
asked her to.
Besides if she cared why doesn't she ever call me why do I have to be the
one to make all of the calls? She
used to call non stop, now I never hear from her unless it is about the
kids. It is probably better that way
because I don't want her to get any ideas in her head that I want to talk to
her. She tries to be so nice, but I
can see through that ploy too, eventually she will crack and I am not
falling for it.
I am just waiting for her to do something underhanded like getting my pay
attached or something or
harassing me at my job.
People just don't change like that, she is only trying to suck me back into
her world again.
I am a much better person now, I have respect and people like me for myself,
and I can come and go as I
want to. She would only take that away from me again.
Besides if I went back to her if I took a chance she would think she was
right and that would make me weak
again, and I will not be that man again.
_________________________
happy_again
Maybe some of you left behind spouses don't get it.
There is a reason we left you, do you ever look at yourselves and your own
actions or just have continual pity
parties about how badly you were treated.
Stop acting like you didn't see this coming.
I never committed adultery, I didn't steal or lie or use drugs or become an
alcoholic or beat my wife.
I went to work every day, I spent time with my children, I handed over my
paycheck.
All I wanted was to be heard and loved and noticed and to stop being treated
like a stranger in my own
house.
I guess my expectations are this, why should I not feel like the victim?
Why does everyone feel sorry for her and the kids?
_________________________
happy_again
It was my wifes job to take care of everything in the house. She had the
luxury of staying
home with the children, that was not the issue.
She expected me to buy flowers and romance her but none of my attempts were
ever good
enough. I finally told her to buy them for herself, she had the checkbook.
She should have bettered herself, got an education or a job instead of
living her life through
mine.
When she offered to get a job it was always something stupid like in a store
as a clerk or at
Target. My wife is not stupid, but never amounted to anything other then a
housewife.
She spent the money on the kids and the house, never bought nice things to
make herself
look good, hardly wore make up, just a real frump.
I work with beautiful women and my wife was an embarrassment to me.
My words were not abusive, but she didn't get it. I would end up yelling at
her because she
refused to listen to me.
I begged her to change and she refused to.
Now she wears the tight jeans and the fancy clothes that are bought with my
money but
she didn't do it for me and I begged for years. I would have liked to show
her off but I was
ashamed of how she looked. She used to be beautiful and sexy and she let
herself go.
I always apologized when she would start crying and I did feel bad for her,
but she should
have taken a hint.
I thought by telling her that I found her unattractive she would want to go
to the gym and
make an effort, and yes she did go, but not consistently like I did. We
could have worked
out together, but she said she was embarrassed to do that in front of me, I
did try.
She started covering herself up, and never let me see her body anymore
because she said I
made her feel ugly.
That was not my intent.
I will admit I probably handled that the wrong way she was never really that
fat, but I
wanted her to look like she did before. I will apologize for that I will
admit when I am
wrong.
I will also admit that I am jealous that she doesn't act like she wants me
anymore and is
moving on, but she still acts like she cares about me and that makes me
madder then hell.
Is she a martyr? It would be easier to divorce her if she hated me. As for
the children, I do
love them and I am in their lives as much as I can be.
They know I love them and they will understand more when they are older. I
am not trying
to make you people mad, and in answer to your question I do not know if my
wife posts
here or not. She has the books, I have seen them at the house.
I am not sure at this point why I am still so angry as it is a year since I
left her. I do have a
life but I don't think she will ever just go away. And yes I do feel guilty.
But I can not undo
what I have done I have come too far now and made a life for myself without
her in it.
I also know she will throw this in my face for the rest of my life and that
is not how I want
to live anymore.
_________________________
happy_again
I wasn't always like that with my wife but she would push and push until I
would finally
explode.
She was the strong one and the only way for me to be stronger was to rip her
apart it was
the only way to get her to shut her mouth. I have said some bad things to
her and she
knows I only said them in anger. Now she doesn't respond anymore but I am
sure she is
seething underneath.
I do admit she wanted us to go to counselling together but I knew it would
be another way
for her to bash me. She went by herself.
My friend never treated me that way my wife did and therefore there was much
respect for
her. My friend was also unhappy in her marriage and we were able to be a
comfort to each
other.My friend encouraged me to be happy and that I deserved to be my own
person but
my wife would never do this. My wife could not understand this concept and
kept accusing
me of having an affair until I finally left. It was too much stress.
I would return to the marriage if I knew that her changes were real but I
have known this
woman for a very long time and I doubt she can keep up the act for too much
longer.
I haven't filed for a divorce because I can not afford a lawyer right now
but I am saving for
one. She said she would not fight me on this but she refuses to file.
I am angry with her because the whole marriage has been about her and the
kids.
I know the concept of this board and I too hate the idea of divorce but I
wanted someone to
understand that sometimes there are just too many problems to overcome. I am
not a bad
person I am a realist.
________________________
happy_again
About the books you ask of I know that she is working very hard on trying to
win me back
but again I do not really understand her reasons for trying when I have told
her over and
over again the relationship is now dead and the marriage is over.
Look I know she has made great strides to change the way she does things and
I do enjoy
her more but I have seen her when pushed go back to the old ways. I admit I
do push her
just to see what she will do. That is wrong but I have to know just how
sincere she really is.
This woman really destroyed me and IF I were to ever consider changing my
mind I would
need a guarantee and that my friend is impossible because nobody can do
that.
My wife was better then me at the finances and she did ask me to help her
but it really
wasn't my thing. BUT why should I need to ask her for money when I was the
one working?
I walked around without any money and needed her permission to use the ATM.
She decided
who got what and how the money was spent. Yes she always gave me what I
needed and
paid all of the bills there was always food in the house and those things
were good but I was
not a child.
In retrospect I should have been more patient with her. I should have made
her feel better
about herself but she didn't give me compliments either. I know when I
looked good she
said nothing. When I asked her about this she said that she didn't want to
inflate my ego
anymore.
I know she was tired and I should have asked about her day but I really
didn't want to hear
about it. I am being honest I really didn't care to know about this one or
that one. I wanted
to talk about me and my day.
Now she listens to me and acts like she is interested in what I have to say.
The woman
actually listens to my suggestions and follows my advice and that makes me
even madder.
So many years were wasted because she couldn't grasp this simple thing.
________________________
happy_again
So how would I take steps forward without giving her false hope? I do not
want to hurt her
but I am still so unsure. I did call my kids last night and asked to speak
to my wife.
She seemed really happy to hear from me, maybe too happy and it scared me. I
don't want
to get sucked back in again.
But it was nice to have someone ask me about my day and my job and even ask
me what I
ate for dinner. I miss that part of her. I will admit that she didn't make
any of her usual
suggestions about my life and she seemed interested in what I had to say.
I had to end the call I suddenly got to feeling really anxious and made an
excuse to get off
of the phone. I lay awake all night thinking of my family and my wife and
how much we
have hurt each other in different ways.
I pictured her face when I once ripped her to shreds as she was trying to
apologize to me,
that look still haunts me. I pictured her face when she tried to convince me
to have sex with
her and how I turned her down flat telling her that I would never touch her
again, and how
she repulsed me. She sobbed like a baby and I just laughed at her and left.
I just don't see how we can get past this point.
happy_again
WOW!!
You really have done your homework and you are not going to get me to
respond in a negative way to your
diatribe. Something tells me the woman doth protest too much. I admit that
when I began posting here it was
because I had many issues that needed to be dealt with, and I am still
working on them. I am making steps
forward to my family. I am not going to pretend that my wife was perfect and
I was the [censored]. She had
many issues throughout our marriage that she refused to acknowledge. And yes
she has changed alot but I
am still cautious as I do not want to go back the darkness. And just for
your information I am seriously
considering asking my wife if she would like to go to marriage councelling
with me to see if there is anything
that we can salvage from the wreckage. I am not going around spreading my
negativity anymore and I am
sorry if you feel that way. You admit yourself on your posts that you are
unhappy but why are you unhappy
really? You also have alot of anger and hostility about the situation you
are in. A situation you have no control
over a situation you have chosen to accept. We could work together if you
like I think we are both on opposite
sides of the coin.
happy_again
I knew that someone was going to ask about the stages and they are pretty
accurate to a point. The
depression is the worst part of it all to realize that life isn't all it is
supposed to be and to look at everything
you have done wrong and all of the people that have been hurt and to know
that you did all that. About being
happy that is a crock of [censored]. I thought I would be happy but I never
was truly happy. Knowing that
the reasons I left my family were simply stupid and childish. How can anyone
be happy knowing that their
family is suffering and going without and that their children are crying and
your wife is crying and that
everyone around knows what an [censored] you are. How can anyone truly be
happy when they have
completely [censored] up everything for the sake of making a statement or
getting a piece of ass on the side.
It isn't worth it none of it has been worth it. The guilt consumes me daily
and no matter what I do it will
always be there knowing that I was a SOB who walked away and deserted my
family for what.Nothing. I got
my space and my freedom and I eat alone and sleep alone. I do not give a
[censored] if you think your
husband is happy he is not and is only lieing to you and himself and to
anyone who will listen. I have money
and there is nothing I can buy to make up for what I have done to my family.
happy_again
What is it exactly you want me to comment about on the MLC resources? I
thought I had done that but
maybe I didn't understand. I do believe in God but I don't want to go into
that right now. And yes I do pray
daily.
happy_again
Grace as I am not your husband I can not tell you what is in his head. No I
am not divorced neither of us have filed. My wife still wears
her rings I don't wear mine, my wife has it in a safe place for me. Her
weight loss had nothing to do with my changing my mind, but it
is nice to see her looking so good. I have never stopped thinking about my
wife, the good the bad and the ugly. Yes I now think of ML
to her often but have not done anything about it. I left home about 13
months or so ago. I did tell my wife before I left what I needed
but I was ignored over and over again. The OW wanted more then I was willing
to give lets leave it at that.
happy_again
there is so much i want to say but have no idea where to begin.so things
might be a little out of order but i will try to keep things into
perspective. so much of what happened to me and the things that went on in
my
head i have yet to understand. it just seemed that i started feeling very
dissatisfied with my life.so much
responsibility to care for the wife and kids and mortgages and my company.i
wanted some time just for
myself without feeling pressured.
when my dad died it was almost like something clicked in my head that i
needed to act NOW. life was too
short and this was going to have to be my time or else I was going to die
young just like my dad without
ever having done anything with my life.Allie is so sensible and she began to
annoy me. the things she said
would grate on my nerves.for some stupid reason she did make sense but this
was not the time for making
sense or for logic.
i bought a condo without her knowing so I could have aplace to go and be
alone.i needed my space without
her frills and flowers everywhere.i began to go there to do my work but also
began to sleep over at times.i
never had a PA.
i went to classmates.com and found some old high school friends. i also
found my ex girlfriend from high
school.we began emailing and then im-ing.it was all so superficial and so so
so stupid.at first it was like we
were back in high school catching up and talking about our mutual friends.
then she began getting more
personal and i trusted her.
she was going through the same dissatisfaction in her life with her
husband.we fed off of each others misery.
and each time i would be at home i began to feel the need to get out as fast
as i could.only my friend
understood what i was going through. Allie was too preoccupied with the kids
and the house to notice how
miserable I was.or so i thought.
looking back at everything i never gave Allie a chance to understand.i just
assumed she wouldn;'t.like i said
my wife is so sensible and predictable.she is a good woman and i don;t think
i wanted her to tell me that i
was being foolish or what i was doing was wrong. i made a huge mess of
things by turning everything around
in my head and i began blaming Allie for everything wrong in my life.
i began to get nasty with her.find excuses to yell at the poor woman.every
time my friend would piss me off I
took it out on my wife. i couldnt let my friend know the [censored] in my
head after all she thought i was a
really nice guy and couldnt understand why Allie didn;t appreciate me or
take the time to understand me. i
lied and i can see how much worse i made things by making up excuses to call
my friend just to have
someone to talk to.my biggest regret is that I refused to let Allie into my
life i didn;t want her to rearrange it
but i did want her to understand it.
Anyone else have a vanisher? 2
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