[heroIam]

Occasionally about house issues/bills/our rental property

[heroIam]

And according to RCR some contact is good if you'd like to reconcile.  I have no NEED.  But at times it does require I contact H on occasion about business related issues.

[OldPilot]

And according to RCR some contact is good if you'd like to reconcile.  I have no NEED.  But at times it does require I contact H on occasion about business related issues.

I think somehow you are missing the point.
You can not control the type of contact of your MLC'er.
You can only control YOU.

Basic concept is to do what works and 180 what does not work.
You sound like you are having contact so you can reconcile,
it does not work that way.
RCR had contact with her MLC'er because he was a Boomerang.
If he had been a vanisher then she would NOT have had contact.

It sounds like you are trying to control something that can not be controlled.

Questions?

[heroIam]

I disagree.  There are times I have to contact my H.  And that's not about controlling anything.

My question was "what if contact could be perceived as "pursuit" by the MLCer?  .
It's just a question.

[Ready2Transform]

And according to RCR some contact is good if you'd like to reconcile.  I have no NEED.  But at times it does require I contact H on occasion about business related issues.

A year ago I had to contact the MLCer in regard to home issues. I figured he'd monster a bit since we'd been over two years without speaking without attorneys. I stayed as succinct as possible via email. He was a bit aggressive at times as we communicated, but I simply stayed neutral and on-topic, avoiding "I" as much as possible (I knew he didn't care about me or my needs), in favor of "The bank requires this..." or "This will benefit you...". If it got too heated, I backed off for awhile and let the tone "reset". That actually worked very well and he feels safe to contact me on his own now. I maintain the same attitude even though he is opening up a little.

[Ready2Transform]

I disagree.  There are times I have to contact my H.  And that's not about controlling anything.

My question was "what if contact could be perceived as "pursuit" by the MLCer?  .
It's just a question.

I get exactly what you mean by this. I don't know if mine felt the new contact was pursuit, but he did think of it as pressure initially, since it came with a small level of accountability. My attitude about that was that I didn't really care - he's going to perceive things based on where he currently is whether I present it one way or another (I chose neutral because that makes the most sense for me). I would do what I have to do anyway in those situations without any attachment to his reception of it. When you need information for marital business, you do. But if he doesn't provide it because of his emotional reaction, have a plan B that doesn't include him. More often than not, I've found my plan B could more easily become my plan A and save me the drama, but I don't regret the contact I've had with him. I would recommend to anyone to do what they need to do regardless.

[heroIam]

Thank you Ready,
The word pressure makes more sense than pursuit.  I should've used that word.  Thank you for your response.

I do understand I cannot control what he thinks about the limited contact we have. 
I posed the question out of curiosity.  Not control.
But I read in RCR article that some contact is good for reconciling.  So I wanted to further understand what that meant.
Thank you.

[Rollercoasterider]

It explains the reason for newbies to NOT go NC in the beginning and why.

There has been a lot of discussion about this lately on a few threads.  Please read the article and discard anyone who tells you it is a good idea, it's not!

I don't quite agree. What I am wary of is generalized advice for everyone that they use a No Contact Boundary as a standard tool in their toolbox. I don't like universals and prefer to advise based on a specific situation. That can be challenging when writing a general article meant for many because it is not specific. My general rule of thumb is to go Dark--as Dark as is best for you and your situation and that level of Dark could very well result in you not having contact with your MLCer. But if someone advises that you apply a No Contact Boundary, instead of disregarding their advice, consider whether they are offering it based on your situation specifically, or are they telling to a group and just suggesting everyone use it because they like it and it worked for them.

I don't know that my view has changed--maybe it has since I've been at this awhile. I've tried on several occasions to clarify my views about No Contact. I think it is confusing in part because not having contact is something people recommend and they call it no contact--same words, but not as a boundary and when I talk about those words (No Contact) I try to refer to my definition where it is a boundary, without the boundary I refer to it as being Dark and there is a spectrum of Dim to Dark.

[Thunder]

Hi RCR, I'm glad you weighed in here.  I agree with you.  Specific situations maybe do require NC.
 
My point was it shouldn't be recommended, as a blanket statement, to all newbies to do it right after BD when they are confused, not understanding MLC and have this horrible urgency to know why?  What happened?  My world was turned completely upside down.  Even when people said time is my friend.   
I could not comprehend that.  Time?  My friend?  My H has just told me he wants a D.

I could not have understood what NC would have accomplished and I probably couldn't have done it.

Now having said that, if my H had told me he found someone else and wanted to be with her I probably would have gone NC right away without even being told.  I would not have had any contact with him in that case, but that wasn't my case.

I see rare instances where NC is required, but not many.   I just don't feel it is useful in the beginning, if you want to reconcile or Pave the Way, unless there is abuse of some kind, mentally or physically.
Bad Monster, yep NC.  Physically hurting you, yep NC.  But if they are just confused?  Why not just go light and friendly and validate what they are saying?

It worked in my case.  I stopped fighting him.  Stopped trying to explain/defend  myself.  I listened and just went the "Sorry you feel that way" route.

[Keep believing]

I happened to see when some of the mlcers come back and talk about their experience , it seems they all became scared of the no contact. Hyperglad said she would text her h about something simple ( maybe important , maybe not ) but her h would be like. ' there she is ., she contacted me. She is still there. Like a check in. So he said he knew he could continue his behavoir.  In my case ,i feel  my h may be the same way.he says to me how i love communicating with him and i wont stop. Odd tho , at times i would call for something simple and he would keep me on the phone talking . Why would he do this? He always waited for me to call him then then maybe tell me something or monster about something but only if i call him. The narcisstist that he is. So i will prove him otherwise.  At this point i am in nc because of this reason and i think for me there is no hope for my h and i need to move forward with my life. I also hold on to something he might say to give me hope and that keeps holding me back. He will talk about ' we' cant go by with one income or he is concerned if my d messed up painting her room. And things of the sort. He also says things that i can figure out what he is up to or why he was nice about something. Its all a mind game in my head. So nc is good for me. We will have great convos and it seems as though he gets it but the actions arent there. I cant do this anymore.