[Which LBS Stage do you think you are mostly at now? (pick main one)]

Which LBS Stage do you think you are mostly at now? (pick main one)

Denial (shock, confusion)

1 (1.7%)

Bargaining (trying to figure out why, planning, adjusting)

1 (1.7%)

Anger (fear, resentment)

3 (5.1%)

Depression (despair, exhaustion)

13 (22%)

Acceptance (detachment, calm, control)

33 (55.9%)

Renewal

8 (13.6%)

Total Members Voted: 59

Voting closed: October 27, 2017, 04:41:15 AM

[Mortesbride]

Right now my biggest problem is... always trying to reach out to my husband when I am sad.

[OldPilot]

Right now my biggest problem is... always trying to reach out to my husband when I am sad.

Being Sad is certainly understandable but it is all within YOU and has nothing to do with your husband.
Pick apart SAD and figure out its components and you can work on not being in that state.
You don't NEED your husband to pull you out of SAD.
That is the same as him needing an OW to pull him out of his unhappiness.

I hope that makes sense.

[Treasur]

Is the real problem about being sad? Or is it that you reach out and it doesn't give you the result you want?

[Shocked]

Right now my biggest problem is....the past keeps popping up. As much logically I know my xH is having a MLC, the shock and the hurt of the betrayal still sticks to me like glue. I just keep trying to shake it off. These feelings from my old life are embedded deeply.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Shocked, I think that's the biggest problem for many of us. Trying to comprehend how our world could have changed so quickly and how our spouse could have changed into somebody so different from the person we knew. The feelings from our previous life truly are deeply embedded.

[Treasur]

OK. Step 2...now we describe the problem as factually as we can. How often does it happen? What are you doing or not doing when it is happening? What else happens? What else? Who notices?

[MyBrainIsBroken]

OK. Step 2...now we describe the problem as factually as we can.
The problem is that I still experience overwhelming pain related to my wife's BD

How often does it happen?
Way too often. Usually multiple times each day.

What are you doing or not doing when it is happening?
It's random. I never know when it's going to surface.

What else happens?
Sometimes rubbery legs, sometimes feeling like I've been gut-punched, sometimes tears, sometimes my head feels like it's being squeezed in a vise.

What else?
I try to go numb. Sometimes it helps, sometimes I can't get there quickly enough. Lately I've been using ice cream to help me cope. Now I'm thinking of turning to carrot cake instead.

I've been thinking about going off the antidepressants so I can try using alcohol.

Who notices?
Nobody knows how bad it is except my therapist and those who read my posts on HS. Nobody wants to know so the rest of the world only sees my mask.

Is this stuff going to be on the test?

[nah]

My mother, who has been through more than anybody I know, including this site, said to me just days after BD, "Oh Nah, he's just a man that left, go outside and work on your garden, you love your gardens"

She was right.

There's another stage that we don't have in a category.

Realizing that all this pain is really truly about us and not them. 

What is love?  Is love about them or is it how we feel when we are with them?  If it was really truly about them, then if they said they don't want to be with us anymore, we would let them go with a smile.  Many of us don't do that though, do we?  Nope, we scream, and cry and try to come up with reasons why they left.  In our heads we feel if they come back then all our pain would go away.  Would it? 

Why are we in so much pain?  Maybe it's more about our own fears, fear of abandonment, fear of being alone, fear of being alone as we age, fear of death.

The sooner we realize what our real fears are, maybe we can stand again.... not stand for them, or for our marriage (which is now dead), but stand for ourselves.

I don't have an answer how to make the pain go away.... but I know what isn't the answer...

The answer is not them.

[MyBrainIsBroken]

Maybe it's because we lost our best friend with no warning and no logical reason and we miss them.

My mother, who has been through more than anybody I know, including this site, said to me just days after BD, "Oh Nah, he's just a man that left, go outside and work on your garden, you love your gardens"

I apologize in advance but I'm going to modify this slightly.

"My mother, who has been through more than anybody I know, including this site, said to me just days after BD, "Oh Nah, he's just a man that died, go outside and work on your garden, you love your gardens""

Really?

[nah]

My mother's first husband was murdered, yes murdered, when she was pregnant with my sister.

Was I upset when she said it.... yes.

Was she allowed?  yes.