[How long ago was BD?]

How long ago was BD?

Less than 6 months?

5 (7.8%)

6-12 months?

6 (9.4%)

1-2 years?

13 (20.3%)

2-3 years?

12 (18.8%)

3-4 years?

8 (12.5%)

4-5 years?

8 (12.5%)

More than 5 years?

12 (18.8%)

Total Members Voted: 64

Voting closed: November 28, 2017, 03:59:21 AM

[Jackolar12]

Bomb drop November 15th 2011, total vanisher with no contact. Lives with the OM and my daughters a mile away. I was told recently by a mutual friend who bumped into her shopping that she’s acting like a teenager so I think she’s evolved into a long term Zombiecriser.

[Wilderheart]

Thank you so much Treasur x

[Treasur]

Oooh, how funny to see this bumped up...

Hmmm, 4 years now
The LBS stages...idk...
Shock
Bargaining
Depression
Anger
Acceptance
Rear View Mirror

I am pretty much at the Acceptance/rear view mirror stages I think. Not a linear process, not even close. So for instance, real acceptance took me about maybe 3 years and it brought up more anger and grief really. And shock lasted for an extraordinary long time. But also then with acceptance  a sense of edging towards it being behind me rather than around me.

The rear view mirror stage brought a kind of peace and forgiveness and less need for the karma bus which is nice. It also brought a feeling of there being no place in my life for xh, even in my head, whilst a small bit of h and my m is tucked away as a nice thing to have had.

As RP says though, my word I have come a long way 

[Milly]

Gosh enough time since my previous post to update my stages, I think.

Me, the LBS:
Shock
Bargaining
Depression
Anger
Acceptance
Rear View Mirror
Not totally over H yet but no longer miss him or desire him. This is a recent feeling.

H, MLCer:
At BD, high replayer, looking good, in great shape, lovely clothes, traveling between 3 cities continuously.
Uncaring, no feelings for me, and yet would come by often, bring me back a pizza, bought me flowers one Saturday morning.
Then got worse. Kept doing things to make it more hurtful for me and the kids such as bringing OW to my village and parading around with her. Disappeared for months.
High Replay for a good 2.5 years, then had a big fight with OW and told his L she was crazy, was an impulsive shopper, and had a stupid job. Came closer to me.
Then got worse. Disappeared again and after a terrible scene in the street, H and OW sued me and D22 for battery.
Disappeared again.
This past year: H much quieter, ugly, old, worn out looking, dressed terribly, a little tummy, huge financial problems, no money for Replay spending but still hanging on to Replay as long as he can.

I think it's a good idea to list the stages in both. It was good for me to see how I've progressed.

[Shining Star]

Almost 6 years.  No contact anymore.  Still with OW.  I am creating a new life, but sad at how he threw away all that we had built.  Once in awhile I hear about him and it appears he is still making excuses for his bad behavior.

[Penelope2018]

I'm not sure where I'm at in the LBS stages. I know I'm not completely at acceptance but I'm not really angry either. Whatever would be before acceptance I guess?

Atomic BD was 2.5 years back but I really got the divorce talk three years ago because the affair had just started. Since xh married the ow, I'm not standing anymore but am hesitant to get into any relationship because I still have feelings for him. I hope they lessen significantly this year.

The x still contacts me every day and I respond sporadically but only by text as monster always rears his head on the phone. He's still on a downward spiral financially I know because I get calls and emails (old shared email) for missed mortgage payments, late fees on ccs, etc. He still states he loves me and has never lost feelings for me while being married to someone else.  These words hold no meaning to me anymore because I know they're only said with the intent to use me in some way in the future. The worst thing he did other than starting the affair was to try and convince me to "invest" in a rental home with him and his brother. Which now I know was really a house he was trying to buy so I could stay in one and ow could stay in the other. He was even looking at properties in the same NEIGHBORHOOD, ACROSS THE STREET EVEN. Sick in the head. Although he is in crisis, he did not lose the ability to be manipulative or calculating in getting what he wants. Deranged individual. Will stoop to any level to achieve a goal.

[Little Wing]

A really interesting thread and going to bump it up by adding my timeline:

BD 0.5  5 years ago - W avoided the tunnel and began high replay.  W kissed another man.
BD 1 - Nearly 2 years ago - W went in to tunnel, some monstering/blaming brief return  PA1
BD2 - 15 months ago - W fully in to MLC, monstering, blaming and fully on the rollercoaster  PA2

The intensity and 'seriousness' (in her head) of these relationships has increased over the years

Interestingly the last 5 years have been played out in some interesting ways by W.  Firstly she has got many tattoos in this time, with the size and frequency increasing as replay intensified, these images and texts have indicated her fight to avoid the tunnel and then her giving in to it, so moving from family orientated ones gradually to immature and party life style images. 

Secondly my W kept secret lists of complaints she had about me, as she avoided any conflict her whole life she never told me of these lists until BD1 and I saw a second list BD2, which she showed me whilst monstering, these lists equally show her moving completely away from logic and balance towards really quite insane beliefs.  I found it very illuminating to see these records in retrospect as I had no idea where her head was at even after BD1, she can lie very convincingly it seems and I used to want to believe she had woken up to the damage she has wrought.

W self harming also showed increasing intensity as she fought cognitive dissonance of facing her actions.  Starting with pinching herself to leave bruises to hitting herself and eventually to cutting.  Seeing her in this state has been very hard as we still share a house with our four children.

In terms of my stage as an LBS - I have found that each BD has increased my speed through the stages.  This time round I have moved through anger much more quickly, reaching a state of indifference about my m and W, concerned really only about the impact on my children.  I thought acceptance would feel less painful than the previous stages, it is calmer, but still awfully sad when I think of the kids.

Currently my W has agreed to leave the family home in July this year as I have decided to uphold my initial boundary which was that I would not continue to stand whilst she still met up with OM, even if she can be believed that it is just as friends!  I feel guilt about the split impacting on my kids, but feel like my self image cannot withstand this constant battering and I have to protect myself in order to be a proper Dad for my kids.

As so many have said its a roller coaster and I still have triggers for anger and sadness, but on the whole am indifferent.

W is dragging her heels in pursuing the financial arrangements required for us to split in the summer.  I am unsure if I should push her on this as I want to have all the details worked out for when we tell the children, so they have some security by knowing the logistics.  I know this will bring on the monster, who has been absent for 3 or 4 months and concerned that this may lead to W self harming again. 

Any advice welcome!

LW

[Treasur]

Link here https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2625.0 to a series of discussion threads about LBS stages which might be helpful. Tbh I increasingly think that rather than stage-speculating about the MLC process, it is maybe more useful to be aware of the stages in the LBS process as that it something we can do things about. Jmo.