[stillbaffled]

I am going to completely ignore goner's comment because if you do not have a vanisher you do not understand and you should not even put your two cents in on this thread.

Then I probably should ignore them as well before I write something that I probably shouldn't!  Oops....no wait.  I can't.  Nah wrote:  "and this is my opinion only"........  Where I live that is speaking for yourself.

Tyks - I agree.  It's nice to have this thread.  Thanks for starting us on the next one, Nah. 

[bluerose]

     I did start this thread and i dont mind that you started a new one. Im glad it helps.
      Thunder you can join in anytime. I have always respected your thoughts and advice.
          No one can understand what its like to have your h leave and act like you dont exist unlesss you have or are goibg through it. Thats why i started this. To find other people that were. The coward isnt a complete vanisher. He still has some contact with the kids. When he has something to say to me he goes through them. A real man there.
      To be honest, i perfer it this way. It hurts to much to have to see him or hear his voice and im tired of him hurting me and my kids. I could not respect myself if he was still living here and being with someone else at the same time. Myself respect is more important than him. Im not saying that him abandoning me doesnt hurt everyday because it does. Why would they change if they can have their homelife and a piece of ass on tbe side and their wife being ok with it?  Kinda defeats the whole purpose of what marriage us about.

[nah]

Sorry guys,

I know this is a thread for LBS's who have Vanishers, and you have great discussions.
I don't have one and should not be part of this conversation.  But I do read it.

I think unless you have a Vanisher you have no idea how you would handle it.

Ok, I'll go back to reading only.   

Please, Thunder, we all love and respect you and I will always be grateful for your input. 

[Treasur]

I really don't think being an MLC LBS is a competitive sport! Like Nah said, I have seen lots of situations that folks with live-in spouses or boomerangs have had to cope with and sometimes felt profoundly grateful that I haven't had to deal with that too. I have also felt a kind of unhealthy strange envy when boomerangs say something - nice or not - that gives the LBS some insight they choose to share here. I've felt grateful not to be protecting children from this painful chaos...and envious that children might be an 'excuse' to maintain some limited contact.

My sense of what life is like with a vanisher...or mostly vanisher with the odd pop up, from my own experience only:
- I knew my H was self-harming and suicidal for about 4 months. But he was still working so no-one believed me. I couldn't even run him a bath or hold him. The only way I knew he wasn't dead was that no-one had called me and if his monthly salary showed in the house account.
- It's really hard to guess what is going on because you don't directly see a lot of the odd behaviour. You just know they have run away and that this is unlike your previously loving H. It maybe makes it easier to doubt it is MLC and when you find out there is an OW/OM everyone tells you it's a 'normal' marriage breakdown even though your gut is screaming that it isn't
- It is like they have died, but you have no body, and your grief feels unacceptable to other people
- You feel such complete rejection, as if you and years of marriage weren't even worth a note or a conversation (with hindsight you realise that it would have been bats$it crazy MLC lingo so probably pretty pointless). There are no signs at all that they care whether you are alive or dead. You start to feel invisible.
- Even as a vanisher, because you are married, you have practical stuff that needs to be done. It is very difficult to do that, or manage a separation, or even a sensible divorce with someone who refuses to communicate with you at all. For months. You begin to think it would be easier practically if they had died because you're trapped in limbo...and then feel guilty
- As time goes on, you feel less and less hope that they will return and more doubt that there is any point in standing. You feel like an idiot. Other people think you're an idiot and tell you so often.
- Detaching is easier in some ways because you're forced to do NC by them doing NC. Initially this is crazy making and you send endless texts/emails. Which make you feel pathetic and abused every time they are ignored. Detaching is also harder because they are alive in your head as they were because you haven't been faced with the reality of what they are now.
- You realise how easy it is to put on a mind reading hat obsessively and make assumptions about the silence. That's a good and bad thing depending on how you're cycling and the assumptions you choose. Both make you feel insane and nothing seems to change, because you don't see enough to know if your spouse is progressing at all. It is like spitting in the wind. For months. And your head becomes your own worst enemy.
- Being left with no reason is hard. Being told someone wants a divorce by text is truly s$itty.

That's just a snapshot from me. I don't know what difference if any it makes to have one type or another. With hindsight, and info from the financial disclosures, I think my H was a low-energy silent wallower at first, driven more by fear. Then, after a brief t-and-g few weeks, he became a vanishing high-energy replayer, still silent, more about control and lies, but with OW and a mad spending habit. Now, I have no idea...he has gone back to silence after a brief flurry of odd t-and-g's. Occasionally, my instinct has told me when it feels like an angry silence or a thinky one. Gut instinct now? Probably a bit thinky or guilty. But could equally be that he barely remembers his life pre-BD or my name and is happily planning his next marriage, and everyone is right and no MLC involved...it is impossible to know. His D is almost done.

[nah]

Wow Treasur

You summed up what it's like to have a vanisher perfectly.  I wanted to pick something out but I agree with every single word you wrote.

We can all go home now.   

[Cdes40]

I’m more of a reader than responder but the statement about giving up because you have a vanisher that’s been gone for years kind-of got me going. My xh took a job in another state 5 years ago and we did the commute. I do believe that was the start of his breakdown, BD came 2.5 years later. We’ve been divorce now for 18 months because he was sure it was what he wanted and he filed immediately in VA. Because we were both raised here in Chicago, raised our family here etc, it was important for me to get the divorce done here. The law is better and my history was here, it was also important for me to gain some type of control since he was completely out of control. He was spending our retirement money and having a cross country affair with a woman that  he met online. So i worked hard and was able to get the suit dropped based on the fact we hadn’t lived separate and apart for a year, the VA law. I felt forced to file here before he refilled again after the year was up. I ‘m still standing but have moved on with my life as far as work, mental and emotional well being, having fun planning daughter’s wedding and future grandchildren. We were together for 35 years , married for 30. I’m 56 and not to old to dream of a life with someone else but I can’t, not yet. So needless to say, distance and time between you and vanisher or not, you can still stand. He’s working through the process and I am NC 80% of the time. I will see him next week when he comes home for a work conference and to visit our daughters. We are not buddies, nor friends right now, but we are cordial and respectful to each other.  I see pain and guilt in his eyes every time i see him and I do not pry into his life regarding OW who is still in the picture ( although based on recent mentions from family members,, things seem to be falling apart). I share that with you because I do believe these affairs have little chance of surviving. If things do fall apart, it doesn’t mean his crisis will be over. He needs time. I often feel that he will be in my life again but not for years to come, and that’s ok. I may or may not be here.  But, I will stand whether he is living near me or away.

 I love this site, it has been instrumental in getting me through what has been by far the most difficult thing I’ve ever been through. But when I read judgmental statements it  fires me up!

[Tyks]

I agree, Treasure. That was a good summation and you have hit every nail on the head that happened in my life for the last 15 months 

[Treasure]

Following along. X

[waiting4]

  following along on this one...

Im still trying to figure out what mine is.. 

[Strongcurrent]

Think I qualify to follow along
Married OW and moved to Memphis 7000 miles away to live the American dream
Even though he has 2 children no forwarding address given to children
Vanished ... Erased

SC x