The above post was in response to this one xxxxx
The Narcissist at Midlife: a narcissistic decompensation
WHO am I?
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What does decompensation mean? “Worsening psychiatric condition: the deterioration of existing psychological defenses in a patient already exhibiting pathological behavior.”
Decompensation is a removal of the props/ego defenses sustaining an inflated self-esteem that was unable to 'compensate' for an injury of some kind. In other words, decompensation is likely when the narcissist’s grandiosity is not validated by reality and their Image is impossible to sustain. At midlife, with all the struggles human beings have, narcissists have feelings of hopelessness, inadequacy, desperation, and confusion. Feelings they cannot tolerate, nor process. Midlife taxes narcissistic defenses, challenging the aging individual to mature. I believe that people who may have 'undeveloped narcissistic traits' will suffer, perhaps even have a crisis. That doesn't mean they can't grow and develop---Heinz Kohut leads us to believe that growing up is a lifelong process and we can develop immature aspects our ourselves. That's the thinking about a 'normal' person's midlife crisis.
Then, there's the midlife narcissist. The Tragic man. The collapsible man. The man who appeared to be a shark, suddenly turns into a jelly fish. =msn tongue= Speaking personally, of course.
Anyone who has experienced the ‘collapsible man’ (or woman as the case may be), has been stunned by allegations that we were ‘deficient, controlling, smothering, incompetent’ any of the traits narcissists project onto other people. The midlife narcissist is someone who cannot swallow his pride and as a result, vomits all over the person closest to him or her. That would be the partner who for years, has supported them through thick-and-thin, becoming increasingly weary of the narcissist’s incessant demands. It’s not that we lack empathy or have become indifferent (though some do, it depends on the relationship), we are tired. Maybe there's a furrowed brow that 'sets 'em off', maybe our individuation triggers the narcissist's fears of abandonment. I don't know. What I do know is that all of a sudden, we are accused of being the person the narcissist cannot admit to being.
I started writing about narcissism on the Midlilfe Crisis forum back in 2003, after learning about this strange disorder called NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I had hoped, as many do, that my partner would work through his problems losing control, losing status, becoming another ordinary cog in the wheel of life; that he would eventually see that escaping reality was less enjoyable than embracing it. That he would wake up one morning with another woman in his bed and suddenly realize how much he loved and valued his family. That even if his wife was too weird for his tastes, his children needed him. This did not happen. If the midlife narcissist has not shown any signs of taking responsibility for behavior that hurts the people who loved and supported him for years, he likely won’t. He’s likely unable to face the destruction he caused, if he even realizes it (or is capable of bearing the truth long enough to see that HE is his biggest problem. Not the role he played in the family, nor the prickly personalities of family members).
It is never easy for ANYONE to tolerate the Walk of Shame when they realize what a mess they’ve made of their lives. It’s pretty darn painful for anyone to process ‘humiliation’ into ‘humility’. If your self-esteem is easily threatened by the mistakes and errors you make in life, grandiosity and self-deception become an easier way out…maybe even permanent. The ability to face other people’s disappointment and accept their willingness to forgive your mistakes is not something narcissists are capable of doing. Anytime we are forgiven, we are surrendering some of our power to BE FORGIVEN by another person holding the power To Forgive. This is an unbearable situation for a narcissist who must maintain the perception of superiority, especially if he or she sees other people as inferiors. Imagine a peon forgiving The King?
The midlife crisis with all the accompanying destruction people do to their lives when the Inner Child (or Inner Adolescent) is given free reign to act impulsively, selfishly and without consideration for others, is very hard to resolve. Depending on the degree of someone’s narcissism, they may NOT be able to face themselves after losing ‘face’ in their community. It takes a lot of self-worth and confidence to admit to having harmed other people you cared about. Still, many people are able to reconcile relationships and my assumption was that ‘everyone’ was capable or willing to do whatever they must to clean up the mess they made at midlife when our limitations stick out like a sore thumb and mortality becomes a certainty.
Oftentimes, a narcissistic injury of some kind precedes the midlife narcissist’s decompensation
In my life, my partner had suffered a major insult at work, his Star Status was sullied; any idea that he would be the next CEO of a major corporation was shattered. His own impulsive reactions had undermined his plans because at some point or other, people were unwilling to excuse his rash behavior. As other people have mentioned on WoN, my spouse was also involved in a sexual harassment suit which never went anywhere, but the threat was there. It was a constant reminder of his limitations. Those darn corporations! Imagine not being able to pat your secretary's ass!
The biggest threat though, was the damage his behavior did to his family's perceptions of him as a New-Age Fabulous Man who really ‘got’ women’s predicament in the workplace.
After his ‘breakdown’ at work, verbally abusing his boss (whoa…not a great career move, there buddy!), he lost his position in the company and was granted six-months paid leave to get himself together. Now wouldn’t you think that a normal person would avail themselves of the ‘free’ psychotherapy a company was willing to give? Wouldn’t you think that a normal person would be so grateful to a company that didn’t just FIRE his arse, but valued him enough to provide any help they could while he got himself back together?
That’s not what happened, however.
He was not grateful. He was resentful. I don’t believe at this point, that he had the capacity to process humiliation into humility. His anger increased, becoming a frightening rage at times, so furious was he at “institutions’. Institutions like corporations, religions, even marriage. Let me tell you, I was so confused at the time and tried my best to encourage him to get some help rather than relying on me. But he wouldn’t. He absolutely refused. He preferred sitting by a stream and contemplating like Siddhartha…as if the thinking that got him in this mess in the first place would get him OUT of the mess. He became more and more depressed, that much was obvious and his personality changed. He was more distant than ever and I could almost sense the ‘rage’ underneath his smile when talking to me. I was very unprepared for what was to come later…because I became the mother of all evils, the woman he feared would kill him, the person he saw as manipulative, hateful, and abusive. Which as anyone who knows me knows, is preposterous.
My concern for so many people writing about the midlife crisis is that they minimizing the danger of a partner who flips reality backwards and sees other people as ‘threats’ to the narcissist’s survival. For a narcissist you see, the False Self is the only self they know. When the False Self is exposed (or the mask slips), it IS life-threatening to a narcissist. If there is no False Self, there is no one inside…just a big dark abyss of bottomless rage and fear.
So when a partner confronts the midlife narcissist’s outrageous behavior, she might as well be pointing a machine gun in his face. That is how he perceives his loss of ‘status’ in her eyes. It IS life-threatening.
Forgiveness? Yea, you are likely willing to forgive. Understanding? Yea, you are likely to understand. But if someone MUST maintain power and control, your forgiveness and understanding are threats to their superiority. I remember saying to my husband, “Whatever has passed, has passed. Let’s work on our marriage. I forgive you.” And instead of tears and gratitude, he nearly bit my head off. “Forgive me?” he ranted. “I should be forgiving YOU; and I don’t!”
Bizarre. Reality turned backwards and we, the closest people to the narcissist, are the ones they must destroy. Would that they destroyed the False Self instead. But then, I don’t know. Maybe there really isn’t a wounded child inside just waiting to come out and play?
My questions to everyone (if you’re still reading this epistle, ha!) are these:
1): Was there a narcissistic injury of some kind preceding the midlife crisis?
2): Were you afraid for your life?
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