[Absolutely Fabulous]

Goner, this is my answer to your post: you are not ready for this thread. Period. You are welcome to post. But again, you are highjacking the thread that you are neither at the point of, nor are you being objective. You’re just not ready for this kind of thread. And the newbies posting are in the same stage.

Newbies have a habit of posting on threads that they should be reading instead of offering input. Your projected anger and deflection is noted. I will not be addressing you at any other time on this thread. If you don’t like that? Stay off the thread. And keep your juvenile camp stories on the playground. Find an adult one next time if you want me to take you seriously.

Newbies spend too much time trying to prove that they are further progressed than they are. And worse thinking that you understand where we are. Then getting offended and resenting we when start threads where we don’t want to rehash the past for us. There is no need, we’ve already been there. I shouldn’t have to defend a discussion for a different level and stage of development. Yes, it is a different level of development and growth. Either you are at the point where you can stick to the topic or not.

Newbies are still in tremendous pain. Those of us who have processed this are now at a point where we can discuss this without insulting others or taking things too personally. If you feel judged by my responses, talk to me in a few more years and see if you still feel the same way. Again, I have experienced this myself.

The need for attention from newbies stems from wanting to be understood. Again, been there. But you all are extremely disrespectful to the rest of us on our threads. This needed to be addressed. This thread is not about you. And I’m tired of newbies trying to make every thread about them. It’s gotten old. The rest of us would like to be able to get support as well, for where we are at this point. Are you (newbies) really so selfish and self absorbed that we have to treat you like the MLCers? With the truth bombs we’re hitting you with here?

MLC takes time whether you’re dim and dark or No contact. No one is spared. As for newbies needing support? You have other threads just for that purpose, this thread is not one of them, and I make no aplogies for it. I was once a newbie and I wanted validation as well, but I quickly discovered that not all threads were for me. And truthfull, I’m personally tired of the entitlement that I’m finding that many newbies have concerning threads that don’t fit their situations. Highjacking threads so that you can change the discussion is inexcusable.

Back to the discussion.

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Barbie doll, thanks for your input. I had read your posts for a while (mainly the ones in 2014-15). I just kept wanting to give you a hug, and punch your MLCer.

At any rate, you and a few others get the point of the thread. I’m not changing the title. The initial post said it all. I think of more people read people’s threads instead of just titles this wouldn’t happen. Emotions run high with the newbies, in Time they see what we’re talking about. Just like we did. And you were right about the filters. Too many cherry pickers if you ask me.

[Treasur]

Fair points all round, AF.

I'm a couple of years in and sometimes I really want to trust the judgement and experience of wiser, veteran heads than mine...now and then, it's a bit challenging or scary though.

I'm at that stage (and I see it in others too) of 'it is MLC not me/ow but it's not going to get better, he'll never progress so I need to take my bumps and move forward, I hate it but I'm grateful it didn't finish me off' point that seems to come in between 2-3 years for most folks. It's invaluable to be granted hard-earned perspective from further down this tough life road and to be reminded that I might be wrong as easily as right.

Reading others' stories shows me that it is worth hoping for my H's recovery even if I can't know what will happen for either of us. That most do eventually recover in some way from this crisis. That it's ok to feel sad years later and to want to throat-punch anyone who chimes in to say 'get over it' or 'everything happens for a reason'! I am truly grateful for every veteran that takes the time to share their experience irregardless of whether they are reconnecting, reconciling, standing or leaving it all behind them...or places in between 

[Not Applicable]

AbFab-I've been a university professor and I make sure my students understand from day one there are no stupid questions except the ones that aren't asked and that it's perfectly acceptable to disagree with someone's opinion but not attack the person for holding that opinion. It's very clear you wouldn't know how to lead a reasonable, open and inclusive discussion if your life depended on it. NO ONE can learn anything useful when there's a dictatorial control freak leading the discussion.

This is a forum for standers looking to restore their marriages. With all due respect, if you no longer have that as your goal and don't want to interact with "newbies" who still have that as their goal and who may still achieve their goal  by asking questions and sharing their opinions, which more "experienced" LBSs may or may not agree with which is perfectly fine, maybe you should find another forum to lead your discussion in. Like Chump Lady's site.

Because I don't see how anyone giving their opinions on this thread is acting like a newbie in search of support. Every single person on this thread gave a respectful and varied opinion on the topic and all those opinions deserve respect, except for your rants about how some people aren't welcome. Everyone of us was a newbie at one time, even you, and I am sure most old timers will remember what it was like to be newbie and may still take offense at what you have written.

And frankly, there is no scientific research to prove one way or the other that any of the advice, mantras, slogans etc. is factual or actually helps the LBS achieve their goals. We all have to take what works for us and let our intuition guide us for the rest. Get a PhD in MLC from a reputable university and then I will take you seriously as an expert. Until then, you are no better than anyone else on here, whether they joined yesterday or 8 years ago.

If you want me to stop expressing my opinion, go complain to a moderator. Because until a moderator tells me to shut up, I will post when and where I choose to do so. You said the LBS is the one to decide, didn't you? 

[xyzcf]

Just a reminder, any member of HS can post on any thread that she or he desires to post on. Often, that might mean a difference of view point or opinion and that is fine. It is how we all learn.

Absolutely Fabulous, I find your response to "newbies" very hurtful, condescending and downright mean.

I don't understand why you are so angry at newbies for posting on this or any other thread they wish to post on. Your hostility towards those who are still in the early stages of this mess make me cringe.

[Never say never]

I wasn't going to comment on this "just because," but I had to chime in here.  I am in agreement with what Goner has said and xyzcf. 

Goner is not an angry person ... anything but.  Sure, she gets mad at some stupid things that happen, but don't we all?  She is just standing for her marriage like so many of us are.

I felt very bad when you talked about the "newbies."  I was a "newbie" in December of 2016... but not really.  My first BD was in 2008, following by another one in December of 2012.  Had I not found this site and the many wonderful people on it, I don't know where I would be today.

In the end, aren't we all entitled to our opinions?  I will admit, I have "drunk-posted," including the discussion thread I started on MLC vs. alcoholism  but I am a human and all I want is to be "me" to let it all out, not be judged and just feel better all around.

If we can't say what we want on here, where can we?  Off-road said it best ... not in the same words but take what you want and leave the rest. 

I am sorry for the newbies reading this because this really is a process ... not easy ... but things will turn out ok in the end.

[Treasur]

Let's all try to just be a little more gentle, respectful and kind all round with each other maybe? All of us are here trying to look for support/help or offer it and we will inevitably look through different windows.

A truce, folks?

[Absolutely Fabulous]

Just a reminder, any member of HS can post on any thread that she or he desires to post on. Often, that might mean a difference of view point or opinion and that is fine. It is how we all learn.

Absolutely Fabulous, I find your response to "newbies" very hurtful, condescending and downright mean.

I don't understand why you are so angry at newbies for posting on this or any other thread they wish to post on. Your hostility towards those who are still in the early stages of this mess make me cringe.

Pot stirring again? I said what I meant. As you have said, we can all post. You seem to thrive on drama. Let me remind you of my past Moniker: My3girls. Do you really want to do this with me again? Wonder what Law Professor would say about this thread. Wonder how’s she’s been?

[Never say never]

Amen, Treasur ... I second that.

I come here to "let it all out," for suggestions, guidance and to just be free.  I will always accept 2 x 4s, which is how I learn.  I just feel bad when the attacking starts, because we have enough of that in our real life, if you ask me ...

Truce!!

[Absolutely Fabulous]

AbFab-I've been a university professor and I make sure my students understand from day one there are no stupid questions except the ones that aren't asked and that it's perfectly acceptable to disagree with someone's opinion but not attack the person for holding that opinion. It's very clear you wouldn't know how to lead a reasonable, open and inclusive discussion if your life depended on it. NO ONE can learn anything useful when there's a dictatorial control freak leading the discussion.

This is a forum for standers looking to restore their marriages. With all due respect, if you no longer have that as your goal and don't want to interact with "newbies" who still have that as their goal and who may still achieve their goal  by asking questions and sharing their opinions, which more "experienced" LBSs may or may not agree with which is perfectly fine, maybe you should find another forum to lead your discussion in. Like Chump Lady's site.

Because I don't see how anyone giving their opinions on this thread is acting like a newbie in search of support. Every single person on this thread gave a respectful and varied opinion on the topic and all those opinions deserve respect, except for your rants about how some people aren't welcome. Everyone of us was a newbie at one time, even you, and I am sure most old timers will remember what it was like to be newbie and may still take offense at what you have written.

And frankly, there is no scientific research to prove one way or the other that any of the advice, mantras, slogans etc. is factual or actually helps the LBS achieve their goals. We all have to take what works for us and let our intuition guide us for the rest. Get a PhD in MLC from a reputable university and then I will take you seriously as an expert. Until then, you are no better than anyone else on here, whether they joined yesterday or 8 years ago.

If you want me to stop expressing my opinion, go complain to a moderator. Because until a moderator tells me to shut up, I will post when and where I choose to do so. You said the LBS is the one to decide, didn't you? 

Your need for attention has already been noted. I’m continuing the discussion, so if you get offended by my lack of response to your posts? Deal with it. I’m not impressed by your credentials or attitude. You came to pick a fight, and I’m beyond that. Since it is clear you don’t like the topic of the thread, it’s your problem. I won’t be making it mine.