[living with Hope]

I had a friend comment in passing in a conversation how her H and mine have no sentimental attachment to us at all.  She is going thru a nasty divorce. I do not believe her H is in MLC.   
I questioned what she meant.  She knows my entire story as she has witnessed it first hand.  She just said if a man can walk away and vanish, he never loved you in the first place so why would he share any sentiments towards our time together.

It took my breath away.

It made me question (again) my history. Was my entire marriage/pre marriage a lie?  Am I the delusional one?

Her H has not disappeared. In fact, he is the opposite. He is doing everything in his power to let her know he is alive and thriving without her.  He is fighting the divorce at every turn. I would say he does have an attatchment to her. Maybe not a healthy one. But an attachment non the less.

Mine just avoids the divorce and me to all extremes.

But now I sit here and question my life....

[If_only]

Living With Hope - that troubles me too - my h has vanishing qualities and unless I contact him first he never contacts me and is slow to answer if at all
except once lately and seems to not care about our entire history together - now that makes me wonder. I talked to another wife recently - husband in MLC left her  10’Years ago  when they were divorcing she asked him - what about the memories of our 25 years  ? Don’t t you ever think of that - and he said he NEVER thinks of that.  Makes me wonder if they ever do love or was it a really long acting job? In my heart I do not want to believe that.

Hugs:  IF

[Milly]

Living, this thought troubles me, too. I think most of us fear this. I think this is why MLC and BD are so much worse than a 'normal' spouse leaving. With MLC the spouse denies he ever loved his wife. That makes our whole life a farce .We could have been spending that time with someone who actually cared.

[nah]

Was my entire marriage/pre marriage a lie?  Am I the delusional one?

You tell me.

I really don't know for sure if my husband thinks of me, if he really ever loved me, if he does or does not love her.  Actually his thoughts and feelings are really none of my business.

In turn, he doesn't get to decide how I feel about him.  He doesn't get to decide if or when I will ever "get over it", he doesn't get to decide how MY story will end.

Am I the delusional one?  Maybe.... but I still get to feel however I want to feel about MY memories.

[CallingHeart]

I have a slightly different take on the vanished / never loved concept.   
I often think (and believe) he, in fact, did love me. 
Case in point: He loved me and he married me to fulfill that love.
Since he once loved me, there is the strong possibility he will reappear at some point.
This may be some backwards-thinking logic, and yet I can't seem to derive another conclusion.
This doesn't mean that I wait around, pining away for him, knitting doilies on the patio,
singing "sooner or later you're gonna be hangin' around..."
I just live my life and do what I can to make the best of it.

[CallingHeart]

...either that or he had some gaping hole in his tiny "Grinch" heart and tried to fill it up, using marriage as a farce that didn't work.
Hahaha   - who knows!   

[living with Hope]

Mine wasn't always a vanisher.  He used to be a clinging boomerang.

He had a vanishing moment for 8 months over 3 years ago. When he returned he took me out on a date. That night and some other emails/text he said he never forgot me.  He  missed me something fierce. He never gave me any explanation other than he was sick.  He felt he was mentally ill.  He needed help. He had no real reason to run away.  He claimed then that he loved me.  He never stopped and he never hated me.
(one previous time when I questioned his hatred for me...he said  "you make me be cold to you."  Always my fault)

Each time I did try to approach to get further details, I was shut down by anger or tears and accusations.  It was too hard or close to him.  He would then fling suicide or just anger at me.  So I stopped. Then he found a new OW to run away with and the kids busted him on that.

It will be 2 years soon that I have not heard his voice.  I have seen him from afar and I have had to text him a handful of times. He does not answer. 

For all intent and purposes, I am dead to him. 

This bothers me.  I am living my life as best as I can now.  But I often wonder what does it take to kill off your wife and why?  Is it because the love is still there but you can't face what you have done so this is how you survive?   or is it that i never mattered at all. 

I read about narcissistic behaviour and if you go by that, I never mattered at all.

That is a hard thing to swallow after 30 years.

[nah]

Well Living, never mind the articles or what other people say, what is YOUR gut feeling?

[Rising Phoenix]

Mine wasn't always a vanisher.  He used to be a clinging boomerang.

He had a vanishing moment for 8 months over 3 years ago. When he returned he took me out on a date. That night and some other emails/text he said he never forgot me.  He  missed me something fierce. He never gave me any explanation other than he was sick.  He felt he was mentally ill.  He needed help. He had no real reason to run away.  He claimed then that he loved me.  He never stopped and he never hated me.
(one previous time when I questioned his hatred for me...he said  "you make me be cold to you."  Always my fault)

Each time I did try to approach to get further details, I was shut down by anger or tears and accusations.  It was too hard or close to him.  He would then fling suicide or just anger at me.  So I stopped. Then he found a new OW to run away with and the kids busted him on that.

It will be 2 years soon that I have not heard his voice.  I have seen him from afar and I have had to text him a handful of times. He does not answer. 

For all intent and purposes, I am dead to him. 

This bothers me.  I am living my life as best as I can now.  But I often wonder what does it take to kill off your wife and why?  Is it because the love is still there but you can't face what you have done so this is how you survive?   or is it that i never mattered at all. 

I read about narcissistic behaviour and if you go by that, I never mattered at all.

That is a hard thing to swallow after 30 years.

Living, my story exactly. I had a clinging boomerang and nothing for 8 mths unless via solicitor. No reply to any ails, I am blocked via mobile. No contact with s14 and d14. I have no idea what to think. His divorve and I have to go along on the ride. Xx

[living with Hope]

My gut feeling is that I matter (ed), that he can't face so he continues running and to be honest I think he really likes this new person he has invented for himself so why stop. 
That what I see is him trying to destroy me is him desperatly trying to  forget me.

But I can't say that out loud to the world as I am scorned for that.  I am thought to be the delusional one.
So it causes me to question my life, my life with him, my choices, my reactions.

I know the man I married and raised a family with.  He would never walk away from his children or not put them before himself in the manner he is.  But the outside world and his family even accept it as is.  His Family knows there is something wrong but right now are so happy he is being taken care of by her that they accept his truths (whatever that is right now as we no longer discuss him when we talk)

I am embarrassed and ashamed that this is my life.  How is it he isn't?