KIT...you are right, time is the key!
And honestly his self-centeredness is nothing new. It went sky high during his MLC and the affair but it was always part of him. I think it is how he was raised, to make himself happy....his parents never stressed that you do for others....and an example of this in 1998, we had our first baby, literally two weeks before Thanksgiving, his parents come to town and we are going to his aunt's country club for Thanksgiving dinner. Aunt invites H and his brother and his sister to come play tennis at the club before dinner. We have a brand new baby and this is actually my FIRST real outing with a newborn and I am breastfeeding. I know I am going to have to breastfeed in public and I am nervous....instead of telling his family no, he goes! He says his mom will come "help me out with the baby". Well his mom is a lovely woman but she is flaky, she brings my sister-in-law who was 6 months pregnant and my 3 year old niece. I adore these people BUT I am a new mom, who is still bleeding into those big huge post pregnancy pads, with sore not used to breastfeeding boobs, and now I have a tiny apartment full of guests (we lived in a 710 square foot one bedroom apartment) and I have to pack up the baby, get myself together, etc.... I was a emotional mess but trying to keep my sh*t together when I see him at dinner....and he is 100% clueless!
I do see that now he works at trying to think of me, to put me and the kids first, but it really doesn't seem to come naturally to him. Actually now that I think of it, it is sad for him.....I like that generous giving side of myself and it feels better to be helpful to someone else than to be selfish....
Strawberry- I think H genuinely wants us to have productive discussions in a controlled environment. When I was being gaslit he would just turn everything around on me. I was the one who had problems, it was MY PERSONALITY....he didn't want to talk at ALL in therapy. It was a mess! And he is right, we don't need to discuss our troubles when we are drinking and when I am at a crazy emotional high.
Barbie- I appreciate you pointing out my positives. I don't often feel positive about myself. I do see that reactive stuff coming out when I am drinking. I need to stop after a two drinks....that would make things better for me.
So yesterday here at work a co-worker confided in me that she had a conversation with her sister-in-law who is trying to cope with an affair and staying in her marriage. She was saying how she feels like her sister-in-law is obsessing about things and how she doesn't know how to help her. She was asking about the couples therapist we see but they live too far away. It just really pulled at my heart strings. I know my co-worker is awesome, but I also know she just doesn't "get it" so she isn't equipped to help her sister-in-law. I referred this forum as a place to send her sister-in-law to find people who understand her feelings. I just HATE that any of us need to be here, this brings out anger in me. I really felt tears welling up in my eyes for a complete stranger. Ok I can feel myself gritting my teeth and my leg starts to bounce as a reaction even as I type this. I will NEVER understand what these MLC do to the people they love, what they do to themselves. My co-worker was describing her brother-in-law (the cheater) and had a disgusted look on her face and that is HIS legacy. She said it was so out of character for this man she knew for years....they have no idea... dumba$$es!
Ugh! Thanks for reading this far....