In these cases, I think the bystanding people try to "protect" themselves from the reality that this same fate could very well befall them, too, so it's easier for them to create the scenario of the broken relationship being caused by the failures of both parties.I agree. I think that people do this all the time since, to keep our sanity, we seem to have to believe we have more control over our lives than we really do. Seems to be a basic human trait.
I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much, Nah.
Even if you had said something, it probably wouldn’t have penetrated. The lies deceptive people tell themselves can run so deep.
My father (not an MLCer) pretty much disappeared when I was young and was gone most of my childhood. He couldn’t stand watching my mother abuse me, so he left. Left me there, but removed himself. (A fact it took me 40 some years to realize was not a reflection on me, and I’m still working on it, tbh).
After he died, I had to reach out to his contact at the VA as part of the funeral arrangements. “Oh so nice to put a face to the name, your father talked about you all the time. He was such a proud dad.”
Yeah, sure, father of the century. I cleaned out his apartment after he died…not a picture to be found. Not a shred of evidence that he was a father.
I told myself stories right up until the day he died., and even after he died. Still do. That if only I could have done enough or said enough or been enough, he would have been different.
And he told others, and himself, stories right up until the day he died too. And he believed them. Lie to yourself long enough, it probably becomes your truth.
Nah, the leaver you ran into probably really believes he’s a great dad and a great guy. And there’s nothing you could’ve said to shatter the narrative he’s likely carefully constructed for himself over all these years.
https://youtu.be/QAlOrSEX0Ok
Nah, the leaver you ran into probably really believes he’s a great dad and a great guy. And there’s nothing you could’ve said to shatter the narrative he’s likely carefully constructed for himself over all these years.so true!! They have to in order to live with themselves
I think one of the reasons this thread is slower than the others is bc I mistakenly made it a “my story” thread instead of a discussion thread. Not sure if there’s a way to change it.Fixed.
All these years I felt everyone (except son) accepted that they were a lovely in love couple, and I didn’t belong there.That little bit of validation, even belated, that you were not nuts, not unreasonable, not to blame, not unseen or irrelevant in part of your own life.
Nutballs, all of 'em. Nice that "Mary" told you after all this time, but what was the reason she didn't tell you THEN? (Inquiring minds want to know....)My best guess was it was a funeral and there really wasn’t an appropriate time. I was the first one out of there (for good reason) and I never saw that side of the family again.
That being said, even though I’m more myself now (that took years too, old timers would remember my crazy 😜) , I am also forever changed. Some for the better, I’m waaaay more independent. Some just different, I carry grief for my former life still. It’s not painful like it was, but it’s always there.This comment resonated with me.. I also feel more myself now, probably more than when I was with H even. I'm improved version of myself in many ways and I found happiness in things that I didn't appreciate before of took for granted.. But the grief for the life I lost, the innocence that is no longer there, the death of my former life.... that grief is still very present and I'm not sure it will ever go completely away
My son said a few weeks ago that he felt like his father died that day he left, and said “you must feel like that too”.
Yes. I do. I felt like the husband and family I once had died.
I’ve accepted it, I no longer obsess, but it’s forever there.
People with low emotional IQ will always project onto others over and over. This man knows nothing about me and has obviously created a version of me based on a few minutes of polite, guarded conversation. Whatever is missing in himself currently, he’s convinced himself he can it get from me and that lets him off the hook.so interesting!! I think that is so true. My Therapist has spoken a lot about my XH inability to have true intimacy. What a sad state to live. Never feeling connected ever no matter what. Just basically to exist. I often wonder that as my XH continues his life with just a text message here and their with the children he loved so much all the while living full time with two grown adult children he didn’t know 2 years ago. I really can’t imagine.
Seems the world has normalized cheating/abandonment like it’s no big deal.
Wow Nas. Crazy story about your uncle’s ex-wife.
They’re everywhere aren’t they?
I rarely use the term MLC anymore, only if someone else says it. Usually I say cheaters. Seems the world has normalized cheating/abandonment like it’s no big deal.
Nas.
Going to see the Cure live next week!
B
Ever since the discovery of OW, I’ve lived with the unacknowledged but just under the surface terror that he would tell her or others my story and paint a giant bull’s eye on my most vulnerable spots (a fear I'm sure some of you are familiar with). It never crossed my mind he would instead erase me completely but steal the deepest parts of me, parts that I opened up and shared with him, fool that I am. I wonder if I’ll ever forgive myself fully for trusting.
Ever since the discovery of OW, I’ve lived with the unacknowledged but just under the surface terror that he would tell her or others my story and paint a giant bull’s eye on my most vulnerable spots (a fear I'm sure some of you are familiar with). It never crossed my mind he would instead erase me completely but steal the deepest parts of me, parts that I opened up and shared with him, fool that I am. I wonder if I’ll ever forgive myself fully for trusting.Wow that is, well, let's just say there are no words. Can't imagine what this must be like. Doesn't it just underscore even more how much this had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him? The levels of WTF disorder is off the scales.
As for trusting can you elaborate? How is it ever our fault for trusting, for being open and caring and empathetic human beings, for experiencing what in my opinion is the entire point of life? We all have our own histories and pain, trust that has been betrayed. But for me that says everything about the person who betrays the trust and very little about the person who trusted. I imagine most of us didn't simply meet our significant others and within 5 minutes shared our life stories. We built up trust and confidence over time, and that trust was earned. So how are any of us (or you) to blame?
As for trusting can you elaborate?
I suspect you may be musing on withdrawing at speed from whoever shared this information with you bc that’s a bit weird and unhelpful too imho....if nothing else, it shows that they don’t know you (or him) at all.
Word, Nas. You will know when, and who. I don’t even know how d pic’s became a thing? I have no need. I’ll go out on a limb, and say a high percentage of women don’t need? Unsolicited pics, or grabs, or, or, or……….and then, if it accidentally happens to us, WE are at fault? Absurd. We can’t go out for fear of being accosted. We can’t stay in on the internet for fear of being accosted. It’s just the same old chastity belt being placed on maidens (who have no f’n clue why-their head doesn’t go there)…..but we are the problem, somehow? Well, some of are contributing to it, but that’s not me, or you. This is a man problem, and it can really only be fixed eventually by good men. I’m raising my son to be a good man. Part of the solution. He should always feel he is MORE powerful when he chooses not to buy into this crap. And MORE powerful when he stands up for his female friends. And MORE powerful when he seeks to become part of the solution. It’s not emasculating to be part of the solution. It should be the most empowering thing ever to masculinity.
Nas, maybe the mirror thing hit a nerve and that is what he actually is thinking about. Sometimes we never know what makes that switch flip and maybe you are the start of a flip of a switch. How amazing that would be to think. If experience and knowledge can come from this from your words. He really was lucky to have crossed paths with you if that would be the case .
I respectfully disagree on that Marvin. I think that if a person is maybe already on that tip of looking within sometimes anything can be that flip. When I was depressed after the loss of my daughter what got me out of it was walking into a thrift store and seeing a woman and a daughter walk by me. The daughter probably in her 30’s was reading a huge old phone book. The mother was beyond dirty and aged. It flipped a switch for me. It changed everything. It was the start of me opening my eyes. I thought this mother will never have a real moment with her daughter. I had 14 years. It changed everything.