[Reinventing]

In these cases, I think the bystanding people try to "protect" themselves from the reality that this same fate could very well befall them, too, so it's easier for them to create the scenario of the broken relationship being caused by the failures of both parties.

I agree. I think that people do this all the time since, to keep our sanity, we seem to have to believe we have more control over our lives than we really do. Seems to be a basic human trait.

[Nas]

I had a serious car accident this weekend (I'm totally fine, and it wasn't my fault. Car is likely totaled). What struck me is that I didn't even think about my former H at all through the whole ordeal. Didn't lament him not being there or feel any way about not having him as my an automatic immediate "call in case of emergency." (To be honest, my first thought when they asked me who to call was "who will I be inconveniencing the least?" and the idea of inconveniencing someone with my emergency is exactly what it would have been like if I were still with my former H, it's just that now I am not blind to that fact.)

I feel absolutely no stress about this accident. It was scary as hell, but not stressful because I knew what to do, I have insurance, it may take some time but I know it can and will be handled. The insurance will cover everything and so I don't have to worry. Which put into perspective for me that really all I desire in life is to know that there's a way that things can work out. I don't need perfection or to never be inconvenienced or face things that are difficult or sad or painful. I just need to feel like when I face those things, there's a solution. And that's what I've been missing for a long time. Disruption happens sometimes, heartbreak is not the end of the world, but instability is terrifying. Not knowing that I'll end up okay is terrifying.

In my 20s and 30s, I said out loud to people more times than I can count, "I think I'm going to love my 40s."
I had spent my 20s and 30s preparing for my 40s. I had spent that time setting it up so everything would be ideal and even when disruptions happened, I'd get through them because I'd prepared everything with enough wiggle room to account for unknown disruption. My house was going to be paid off, no mortgage to worry about. My careful saving would allow for travel to places I really wanted to go.

I was totally unprepared when my carefully laid out plan was blown up. I had prepared for the possibility that any one part of life might be disrupted. I had not prepared for, or even imagined the possibility of every part of life to blow up all at once with my husband's financial crimes and abandonment, and then to start over and have it all blow up again with an unexpected diagnosis and everything that's happened after that.

So getting hit from behind on the highway,  spinning across three lanes and ending up sideways in the woods with my face in an airbag was kind of a walk in the park. Gotta love insurance. If only I could have purchase "vanisher insurance" before getting married.

[Curiosity]

Wow, Nas… I’m so relieved that you’re okay after that accident. Beyond that - the perspective that you have on this, after all that has happened in your life up to this point, is such a sign of strength. Sometimes the events of MLC, or other major life trauma, can push us into a narrow existence where we don’t trust anyone or anything - and we certainly don’t trust ourselves to navigate the ups and downs of life and relationships. But ideally, we push that fear aside and develop the knowledge and the confidence that we can make it through whatever life throws at us, and then we get to a place where we know that we will not only make it through, but we will use those challenging experiences as a chance to grow and learn.

[Treasur]

Love the idea of vanishing spouse blows your life up insurance lol....some LBS should market that 

So, so glad to hear you are ok even if your car is not xxx

[Nas]

Since my latest treatment is absolutely kicking my ass, I thought I’d check in on my clanishers.
(I just got my car back on Monday. Funny how it was in the shop for all these weeks and I’m still fighting with the insurance company to pay for the extra weeks of the rental car, but, hmm, my car was returned to me with an additional almost 1000 miles on the odometer. 🤬 )

Anyway, today I was enjoying some fun post treatment dizziness and pain (so far, still better than the last one, when I passed out and ended up with a black eye and a hairline fracture). And at some point today, while contemplating life and death and love and monsters and men and choices, I realized the anniversary of BD has come and gone and I never even thought about it. It’s no longer a DAY. Now it’s just another day.

Sometimes I think about how much I once loved, and I wonder if it’s just my cloudy brain mixing up song lyrics with reality.

https://youtu.be/QMOM8l3ozuI

But it ends the day you see how it is
There is no always forever, just this, just this

[nah]

Nas,
You are one bad @ss survivor! As if having a vanisher isn’t enough, you seem to get knocked down again and again, yet look at you standing! (Not the hero’s spouse standing… the other kind.  )

So I bumped into a vanisher the other day. Not THE vanisher, another one. Back story/ -
In 1984, I met “The Leaver”. At the time one of my best friends also started to date a guy. He seemed like a great guy with loads of family issues. He was 15, his mother killed herself and his father was a severe alcoholic. He lived with his older brother (21 at the time).
Anyways. I married the Leaver. They also married a few years later and had 2 kids. In our late 30’s, he hooked up with a 19 year old, they divorced. I never saw him again. (Quick sightings at some funerals but he would dash out without even nodding toward us).

I’m walking through my work parking lot and someone calls my name. I look, but don’t recognize and ask his name. He was offended. 

He wondered why I was at this site (Moderna, yes, the vaccine maker). I explained how I’m an engineer ( I guess women aren’t supposed to have that kind of job.  ) anyways….
For the first time ever, he was super chatty.
You see, after my leaver left me, this leaver was the first guy he called. “Hey I’m a cheater, you’re a cheater, let’s hang out”. 
They started a business to flip houses, did it once, didn’t make enough money according to my leaver, and then this guy got cancer so my leaver dropped him.
I mean, what fun is it to hang with a sick guy? 
Here’s what pisses me off the most… me.
He asked about the kids and I explained that my daughter hasn’t spoken to me since the divorce. He said,” I told the kids that their mother’s and my differences  had nothing to do with them,”.
To the non-betrayed person that sounds nice and reasonable. At the time I accepted his words.

Ugh!!!! What’s wrong with me?!???

I’ve been on these sites for almost ten years.

Their mother and this abuser didn’t have differences. He abused, betrayed and abandoned her!! And I didn’t call him out on his manipulation. We always wonder why others don’t say anything.

When I thought about it later, I was so mad at myself.

[Nas]

I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much, Nah.
Even if you had said something, it probably wouldn’t have penetrated. The lies deceptive people tell themselves can run so deep.

My father (not an MLCer) pretty much disappeared when I was young and was gone most of my childhood. He couldn’t stand watching my mother abuse me, so he left. Left me there, but removed himself. (A fact it took me 40 some years to realize was not a reflection on me, and I’m still working on it, tbh).

After he died, I had to reach out to his contact at the VA as part of the funeral arrangements. “Oh so nice to put a face to the name, your father talked about you all the time. He was such a proud dad.”
Yeah, sure, father of the century. I cleaned out his apartment after he died…not a picture to be found. Not a shred of evidence that he was a father.

I told myself stories right up until the day he died., and even after he died. Still do. That if only I could have done enough or said enough or been enough, he would have been different.
And he told others, and himself, stories right up until the day he died too. And he believed them. Lie to yourself long enough, it probably becomes your truth.

Nah, the leaver you ran into probably really believes he’s a great dad and a great guy. And there’s nothing you could’ve said to shatter the narrative he’s likely carefully constructed for himself over all these years.

https://youtu.be/QAlOrSEX0Ok

[Zion]

I wouldn’t beat yourself up too much, Nah.
Even if you had said something, it probably wouldn’t have penetrated. The lies deceptive people tell themselves can run so deep.

My father (not an MLCer) pretty much disappeared when I was young and was gone most of my childhood. He couldn’t stand watching my mother abuse me, so he left. Left me there, but removed himself. (A fact it took me 40 some years to realize was not a reflection on me, and I’m still working on it, tbh).

After he died, I had to reach out to his contact at the VA as part of the funeral arrangements. “Oh so nice to put a face to the name, your father talked about you all the time. He was such a proud dad.”
Yeah, sure, father of the century. I cleaned out his apartment after he died…not a picture to be found. Not a shred of evidence that he was a father.

I told myself stories right up until the day he died., and even after he died. Still do. That if only I could have done enough or said enough or been enough, he would have been different.
And he told others, and himself, stories right up until the day he died too. And he believed them. Lie to yourself long enough, it probably becomes your truth.

Nah, the leaver you ran into probably really believes he’s a great dad and a great guy. And there’s nothing you could’ve said to shatter the narrative he’s likely carefully constructed for himself over all these years.

https://youtu.be/QAlOrSEX0Ok

Wow Nas!!! Soooo sooo profound and wise!!!

 I am also so sorry that you were not protected and nurtured!

[MadLuv]

Nah, the leaver you ran into probably really believes he’s a great dad and a great guy. And there’s nothing you could’ve said to shatter the narrative he’s likely carefully constructed for himself over all these years.

so true!! They have to in order to live with themselves

[Nas]

I wasn't sure where to put this, but wanted to share.
There's a site I love that curates news and articles on science, philosophy, art, etc - it's called 3 Quarks Daily (3quarksdaily.com) if you want to check it out. It's fantastic.

Anyway, this poem was on the homepage today and I thought it might resonate:

Unfettered
I relinquished you more times
than I can count. Holding on
is too risky. A tight grasp

drains the container, leaving its contents
empty. My fingers poised for release,

both hands curled against your back,
I expect nothing. Anything more
is an offering. You have learned to give

for the first time in decades.
I must learn to receive.

by Leah Mueller