[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I ended my thread that was about 2020 as, that it was BC (before covid) and I felt it was time for a shift, a new chapter in my life. I wanted the saga of my life to be a beacon and point for those that continue on after the trauma of bomb drop and divorce and all the fallout.

On a professional front, I have finished the toughest year as a principal. So many things that I assumed would resume as if nothing happened didn't. There is still a lot of anxiety about everything. With all of that, I finished the year on a high note and now I have three weeks to prepare myself for the new year. I am very excited about that now that I know where we are and what we need to do to move forward.

So professionally, I have recovered from the loss of one position and I am committed to making a positive change for the scholars in my care.

On the social front, my wife and I are doing very well. We have a big trip to Vietnam that we are planning in December and we are both looking forward to it.  It is our way of doing the things we wanted to do before covid and my job loss and we both feel we are moving forward with our plans and life again. My wife has been extremely supportive and I really enjoy being with her each and every day.

On the health front, I need to drop some pounds. I am doing well on my exercising, but not so well on my sweet tooth. So between now and my winter vacation, I want to drop ten pounds. Get me back to strength again. I also want to focus on having knee replacement next summer so I need to be at a good weight when that happens.

In the Spring, we moved my parents to Texas to be closer to my oldest brother. They were way out in the desert and 50 miles from their hospital and most of their primary physicians. When my dad had a mild stroke, taking my mom back and forth to the hospital was hard as they are 120 miles from where I live. We leased their house and I was tasked to repair their electric gate opener. After several weekends of figuring things out, I have finished one side and that gate opens great. Now I need to do the other gate so both sides can open. So I will be back out in the heat again for the next few weekends until the job is done. My wife has come out almost every weekend and stayed in my Dad's shop while I worked. She's been a true trooper to give up her weekend to come out to the heat and support me.

On the sad side, my mom fainted again in Texas and hit the back of her head at the library. She had a brain bleed and it was serious. Fortunately the shrinkage of her brain allowed the blood to spread evenly in her skull and not put pressure on her brain. However, she had a lot of memory loss and confusion afterwards and is slowly coming out of it.

We visited my parents and my brother over the Fourth and it was a great trip. We grilled steaks and watched Top Gun Maverick with them. The sad part was seeing both of my parents now truly vulnerable is so hard. This is a difficult stage of life to enter and acceptance is an even bigger struggle.

I guess we live forward and understand backwards. Appreciate and love what you have and maintain a mindset of getting better.

Have an amazing day,

((((Ready))))


Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11320.0

[beyondblessed]

Ready, I love reading your updates and semi-following your escapades via FB.  To say that you and I have several parallels (from moving forward professionally, new marriages, similar fitness goals and aging parent concerns) would be an understatement.  It feels good to read how a fellow LBS has made the absolute best of an overall horrible situation.

I'm glad things continue to come together in all areas of your life, and I know it's by no coincidence, either.  It truly takes putting in the work and making the the tough choices and best decisions, rather than just sheer luck to make it all vibe and gel.

I'm sorry to hear about your mom.  I do hope she has a speedy and full recovery.   I can see the decline in own parent's health, and I'd be lying if I said it doesn't both sadden me and scare me at thought that one day they won't be here.  Until then though, I am so blessed to have Popeye as my partner because he is my Rock.  He has already lost both his parents and knows how vitally important it is for us to spend as much time doing things with and for my parents.  The key, as you said, is to love and cherish those in your life while you can.

I'm so happy that you've been blessed with a supportive and encouraging wife.  There really is no greater gift than that, after what we've survived.  I wish you both much continued love.

[UrsaMajor]

Attaching....

I hear you about the parents thing. Mine are near Las Vegas and I am in Germany so it isn't like I can just pop over and visit and they too are getting older. We are trying to arrange a time to get together either over Christmas or possibly next summer. with the current cost of air travel and everything, it is a challenge.

UM

[FaithWalker]

Ready,
Good to read an update and welcome to your new thread.  I'm always impressed with those that can fix things.  That is not my forte!  Bravo on the gate!

I'm sorry to hear about your mom's fall and brain bleed.  I hope she can recover and bounce back.  My M still struggles with her memory, but she does seem to be doing better being here with me and knowing that she can fall back on me to help with the holes in her short term memory. 

Working in HR for the School District, we love our Principal's and we have hired a few new ones this Summer too.  We have been hiring over 300 people this Summer so I've been quite busy as we try and fill all the positions needed.

Your trip sounds fun and I totally hear you on the weight loss!  I need to get my rear in gear and lose some weight too.  I would like to do some family photos with S17's Senior photos as we have not had one in quite some time and I have not had a professional one done of just the kids and I.  This is my family now and I need to celebrate the family I have, even though it does not look like I thought it would be.

I still need to see Top Gun Maverick.  It's on my list of things to do ASAP before it leaves the theaters.

[MadLuv]

I guess we live forward and understand backwards. Appreciate and love what you have and maintain a mindset of getting better

Wise words!!

[PJ Ames]

Following along. Thanks for the update.

I guess we live forward and understand backwards

Wise words. Of course, sometimes I don't understand at all!

[5hilmerton]

Hi Ready,
nice to read your updates.  I am so sorry to hear about your Mom, very glad she has her family.  Gotta say the weather her in Texas is tough.

Following along,
5hil

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Happy early Thanksgiving to all. I should be typing up teacher evaluations right now but it 48 degrees outside and my notebook is out in the car. So, I am spending this morning reading and trying to catch up on a few threads. Was planning to drop a reply on Beyond Blessed but UM has thrown out the "Start a new Thread"  barricade so I guess I will have to wait.

So on to my saga. Overall, everything is going well with a few snags. Got my lab results and now I am on Lipitor. I know a lot of this is heredity and I was the last of my brothers to be put on it, but here I am. In June, I am scheduled for knee replacement surgery. I knew that day was coming as I can't run 20 feet without my knees letting me know. Hopefully after the surgery and recovery, I will be able to walk without pain. So, I guess Ready is getting old. Maybe it's time for my own MLC. LOL

On the home front, I will be getting stuff for our Saturday Thanksgiving. My SIL will be down then and we want to make this a family event. On Thursday, we will be visiting the relatives house and having a dinner in the evening. On Saturday, I have to smoke the turkey, have apple pie and ice cream, three cheese scalloped garlic potatoes, and peanut brittle. It will be a busy morning.  For Christmas, my wife and I are preparing to fly to Vietnam for two weeks this Christmas. It will be strange being away from home during the holidays, but we are both excited and this is the best time of the year to visit. We are going to visit Hanoi, Da Nang, and Saigon during our trip. I really look forward to the trip.

Mom and dad are okay. I talk to my mom and she seems fine, but my brother says that she doesn't do much. My dad is stressing as his eyesight is getting worse. He is doing everything he can to help my mom and his poor vision only adds trouble to what he is doing. My bother and his wife are trying their best to help them, but they have their own lives and it is a lot of work. I was hoping to get them in assisted care, but they make like 100.00 a month too much to qualify for assistance and they can't afford the full cost of assisted care. You would think there would be a sliding scale and they would pay their part and the government assist, but no such luck. My wife and I will fly out in March to see them and hopefully by then, I will have a plan to get them more help and care and alleviate a lot of stress for my brother and SIL.

So even in the best of times, there will be issues. It is part of life, but those issues also allow you to embrace and remember the good moments. I know many of us are really struggling right now with the loss of their partner and seeing their family and entire world coming apart . I just hope you take the next few days to embrace what you still have. Create those moments of bliss and enjoy being you.

Well, time to get going. Those evaluations are not going to write themselves and I have some shopping to do.

Be good to yourself,

((((Ready))))

[UrsaMajor]

Hello,

Happy early Thanksgiving to all. I should be typing up teacher evaluations right now but it 48 degrees outside and my notebook is out in the car. So, I am spending this morning reading and trying to catch up on a few threads. Was planning to drop a reply on Beyond Blessed but UM has thrown out the "Start a new Thread"  barricade so I guess I will have to wait.

Yeah yeah... Blame it all on me..... 

Look at how many people post even after the cop GIF shows up.... and her thread isn't locked so... and even if it was, thread owners and mentors are still allowed to post so

[MomOfSteel]

I'm sorry about your parents.  It is hard to watch those we love age and what comes with that, especially from afar.  Hopefully with the new year the criteria might change enough that they will qualify for help getting into assisted living.  It sounds like it would really be a good thing for them to have the extra help.  It really does feel like a sliding scale should be used but that would of course make way too much sense. 

The trip sounds amazing!  Hopefully you let us live vicariously for a minute when you have time.  I really appreciate the vets who have moved on posting the success of a new life.  I think it is such a good reminder that someday I might find that as well.  I also appreciate all of your thoughtful responses. 

[forthetrees]

Please share how you are going to smoke that turkey.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I am going to cover the turkey in rub the night before I smoke it. We are celebrating on Saturday. I will then put a coat of margarine just before I put it in the smoker. I have a turkey cannon and will put chicken broth, onions, lemon, and some wine in it as well. I with then put on the smoker on High smoke and smoke for an hour. I then turn up the temperature to 350 and cook until internal temperature hits 160-165 degrees and then let it rest for 20 minutes.

It is absolutely delicious!

((((Ready)))

[JohnnyBravo]

I had to look up "turkey cannon" to know what the heck that is, because two things immediately came to mind:

• Compressed air cannons are/were used to fire chickens (dead ones!) into aircraft windshields to test them for bird strikes. Not helpful if you're planning on eating it.
• The immortal quote, "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

Happy Thanksgiving, Americans.

JB

[beyondblessed]

Hello, Ready!  So, as you said, even in the best of times, there ate always going to be little bumps and issues that need to be addressed.  As adults with lots of life experience and doing damage control, we know this will always be the case, and luckily most of us are well adjusted enough to handle things as they come.  The MLC'ER, well. this is where they show their true colors and run.  lol

I'm sorry to hear about the health issues, but as you say, heredity and age are 2 things that you can't change.  As I approach the Big 5-O in a couple months, more aches and pains crop up, and I've also just made the leap to multi-focal contact lenses lol

Your Thanksgiving feast sounds divine.  I'm sure your family will love it.  I wish I was having your turkey.  I will be attempting to inject mine with some type of marinade that I just plan on winging, no pun intended lol. Hopefully it rurns out, as it has been many years since I've actually roasted a turkey.

I hope your holiday trip to Vietnam goes smoothly and creates lots of great memories to look back on.  We are both blessed to have come through this MLC debacle with wonderful new spouses and traveling partners!  I wish you and your family happy holidays!

[UrsaMajor]

I had to look up "turkey cannon" to know what the heck that is, because two things immediately came to mind:

• Compressed air cannons are/were used to fire chickens (dead ones!) into aircraft windshields to test them for bird strikes. Not helpful if you're planning on eating it.
• The immortal quote, "As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

Happy Thanksgiving, Americans.

JB

JB, you need to come clean the coffee out of my keyboard now....



One Chicken cannon, coming up

[JohnnyBravo]

JB, you need to come clean the coffee out of my keyboard now....

I'm on a roll these days!

[FaithWalker]

Wow Ready, enjoy your vacation coming up!  Hopefully those evaluations got done and you are winding down with your school term.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Good Morning Vietnam, well actually it's afternoon now,

So we are in our third city and our trip other than a few small hiccups has been a blast. My wife and I landed in Hanoi, Sunday morning and arrived at our hotel around one pm. We settled in and I took a nap. We got up and had a nice dinner in their cocktail lounge. The hotel was refined and elegant. What really surprised me was how everything was decorated for Christmas. The next morning we had egg coffee at the store opened by the man that created the recipe. It is thick and surprisingly good. That afternoon, we went on a private walking food tour and I enjoyed coconut coffee which is an amazing treat. We also took a trip to Halong Bay and saw a huge cave, climbed 430 steps to the top of a mountain top, and I fed a baby monkey.

We then went to the beach at Da Nang and enjoyed three days at a spa. We both enjoyed 80 minutes each of spa treatments and a great buffet. We also went and spent an evening at Hoi An and walked the marketplace.

Which brings us to Saigon. Saigon is the busiest city and is very interesting. We have another food tour tonight. The hotel we a staying at is beautiful and opened in 2016. The interior was designed by Italian decorators and the result is best described as an Asian Bellagio. Large amounts of marble and intricate tile work and pieces of art ordain the entire hotel.

My wife and I are enjoying a great time together. Of course, this is the first time I have been away from family during the Christmas time period but I will plan on a family get together in the future.

My new year wish for the upcoming year is that we all make progress forward. If you are new and just past bomb drop, just focus on healing and focus on your physical and mental health. While the actions and crisis of the MLCer really have nothing to do about you or your marriage, the actions have a huge impact on the essence of you. You need to recognize the hurt and then work on recovery. For those of you that are further down the path, I encourage you to keep posting your threads and stories. After all, the forum is all about our journey and its is our combined stories that build and provide hope for all that regardless of the outcome, we move forward.

((((Ready))))

[Biscuit]

Ready,

The trip sounds amazing. I love hearing about friends trips to Asia as the differences to western culture are so very interesting.
Best wishes for the New Year for you too. Seems like you’ll be starting 2023 off in spectacular style.

[Dragonfly33]

Hi Ready, sounds like you are having fun in Vietnam. It’s in my bucket list to go there. I think it’s a beautiful country full of history. It’s nice to hear you and your wife are able to spend quality time together. Thank you for continuing to share your story and words of wisdom.

My new year wish for the upcoming year is that we all make progress forward. If you are new and just past bomb drop, just focus on healing and focus on your physical and mental health. While the actions and crisis of the MLCer really have nothing to do about you or your marriage, the actions have a huge impact on the essence of you. You need to recognize the hurt and then work on recovery. 

This is so true. I just realize this in my 3.5 years post BD. I only clearly understood this when my Xh wasn’t living with me anymore. I learned to slowly get to know myself, recognize and appreciate my strength and what I am capable of without him, and most of all work on my issues the moment I realized he was gone. Those paralyzing fears I have conquered slowly, that doesn’t mean that I don’t have fears anymore but I learn to focus on the present when it starts to creep on me.

Enjoy the rest of your well-deserved holiday ready.

[FaithWalker]

Happy New Year Ready!  Your trip sounds amazing!  Happy for you!

[xyzcf]

Happy New Year Ready!

Somehow I missed this. Asia is so fascinating. I am glad you were able to explore. Travel, different places, they are all important in how we frame the world.

I hope you have a good family gathering once you are back. Enjoy!

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Well, just came back from visiting my parents in Texas. Overall, it was a good visit. Ate a lot of good food with the family and lots of laughs and conversation. However, the situation for my folks is not so great. First of all, my dad did not sign up for Medicare part B. He only has part A. Had he signed up for B when he was 65, the plan would not costs as much as it does now and would have provided coverage for some procedures they both need now. I put that on my learning lesson design for Ready (Sign up for part B).

The next thing is for them to qualify for assisted living support, they needed to make X or less to qualify for government support and lo and behold, he makes $200.00 a month too much.

They can't stay in the apartment forever. My oldest brother and SIL spend a lot of time and effort supporting them and it is a lot to ask of them. My brother has to go over and change my Dad's Urostomy pouch twice a week. My SIL goes and helps my mom with a bath and takes both of them to all of their medical appointments. She also helps with medication and pays their bills. My brother takes them shopping once a week. They also take them out to dinner once a week and she often makes meals for them.

It's a lot and they have a 13 year old son that has a lot of activities and needs to be taken to places as well.

So all of us got together to hash things out.  The current plan is this: One, get them registered in Texas with new IDs. They don't qualify for anything in Texas if they are still residents of California. I don't really think my parents are interested in coming back to California and residential care is even more expensive. We also have the number for an attorney to try and see if they qualify for Medicaid in Texas. This may open up options for medical support and services in the home or in assisted living. It's an expense, but navigating the system is very tricky and I would like to have an expert to help us navigate these new waters. I also got my parents to commit to trying the senior center and get out and meet some new people. Otherwise they just sit in the apartment all day watching TV. That is not going to sustain them either.

From there, we are going to see the next steps to assisted living. Mom is strong, but very disengaged from the world. Her fall and subsequent brain bleed last year has had definite long term consequences. My dad is weaker and stresses over his failing eyesight. However, the doctor has told him that he is not legally blind and has almost good vision in one eye. Over time, the vision will get worse. On the bright side, he is very conversational and is more "with it" than mom.  The hardest part is seeing both of them in this situation and trying to get them help is even more difficult.

Any advice or suggestions would be greatly appreciated,

(((Ready)))

[MomOfSteel]

I wish I had helpful advice but I don’t.  It sounds like you are helping your parents navigate this already.  I hate watching my parents age and not being close by.  It’s harder when there are health issues.  I’m glad they have the support of you, your brother and his wife but it’s easy to see how hard that level of help is to sustain.  They are lucky to have such loving children to help them. 

[Treasur]

No practical advice, I’m afraid, as the system here is so different.
But i’m glad you have a sibling and SiL....it was incredibly hard doing this solo for my mother.
What I will pass on is what someone else said to me which helped....there isn’t a good solution, just trying to work out the best as far as you can see it from a bunch of not so good ones, so be kind to yourself. X

[MadLuv]

That is a lot. Wow, on your brother and SIL. No matter how much love is there, it is a huge commitment that is emotionally and physically taxing I am sure. Both my parents married decades younger spouses after my mom’s MLC and so their spouses took care of my parents when they both got ill with cancer and passed. So, I also dont have anything to give in the way of advice, but just that it is incredibly difficult to see your once vibrant and capable parents that you relied on for advice and safety need that back from you. You are all there for them and that is all you can do.

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

Just an update on the Ready's life after MLC. On the parent situation, after months of telling them to go, they went to the senior center and had a good time. They also got set up with meals on wheels and have lunch and dinner brought to their apartment  weekday. That really cuts down on the support from sister-in-law and less frustration for my father. Now we just need to find someone to change my father's urostomy bag, help my mother with a bath, and a little cleaning of the apartment, and they will be just fine.

My mom is making progress, little steps, but better. One, she sounds really strong, and she is much more positive in her tone. She offers to help my father as in the past she was afraid she wouldn't do it right and mess up. The increase in confidence is very positive. I keep telling my dad not to think for her and to ask her questions. Even if she responds immediately with an I don't know, wait. Don't just give her the answer and move on. Part of her healing is getting her to try and think. If you fill in the blank, it takes away the opportunity for her to figure things out. Then she becomes dependent on you for all the answers.

Dad had a setback. He had obstruction of the intestine and was not using the restroom. He called me in pain. My SIL got him pain medication and he felt better, but I told him to go to the hospital. The next morning he wok up and thought he was having a heart attack. They took him to the hospital and discovered no heart attack but the obstruction. They also found an aneurysm in the aorta. They did surgery on the obstruction and last Thursday they took care of the aneurysm. He is recovering and is still weak. It will be another couple of weeks before he is back to full health.

So, since all this medical stuff was going on, I joined the party and had total knee replacement on my left knee. I went in early yesterday and was out by 2:00 pm. I have been up and walking as well as icing it on the hour. I also have exercises to do three times a day. Fortunately, the pain level is very low. I would say about a three which is about the same or lower than what it was prior to the surgery. Hopefully rehab goes well and I will be ready to deal with the scholars again at the end of the month.

Other than that, everything is gong really well. I am having a great time with my wife and overall, I have a positive outlook on my life. Now it is preparing for retirement and making sure we are ready for that big step. I guess there is always something on the horizon.

If you have made it this far, my final words of advice is that while MLC and all the trauma that follows is nothing I would ever wish on anyone. However, it happens and honestly now, when I post, I am less concerned about the MLCer and more focused on the LBSer and their recovery. Be good to yourself and try your best to detach from their crisis. Detachment is not giving up or indifference. It is opening yourself up to a variety of outcomes and knowing you will be fine with any of them.

Have a great day,

(Almost Ready to Walk)

[xyzcf]

Welcome to the club of "total knee replacements". I must say my pain level was much higher than what you are experiencing and I didn't tolerate the opioids, however, much to my brother's dismay (he came to be with me while I recovered) I had taken him to a marijuana dispensary prior to my surgery to get a remedy that helped.

I think he became a "believer" when after seeing me in pain, and then using this product, within 5 minutes I was comfortable and slept for 8 hours!

Hard when parents need that extra help...and it isn't always easy to find the right solution. I hope that I will be able to make some decisions about that down the road for my own personal care. I have already given my daughter "permission" that I am fine with living in an assisted living place as long as it's close to her and she can come visit.

My mom had alzheimer's and after my father died, there wasn't any other choice. Initially it was very hard for her but actually, she was better nourished and had many activities and made friends and she settled into life there. She had a lovely room, her own furniture and lots of family photos and was close to my brother's home so he took her out on weekends to his place.

If you have made it this far, my final words of advice is that while MLC and all the trauma that follows is nothing I would ever wish on anyone. However, it happens and honestly now, when I post, I am less concerned about the MLCer and more focused on the LBSer and their recovery. Be good to yourself and try your best to detach from their crisis. Detachment is not giving up or indifference. It is opening yourself up to a variety of outcomes and knowing you will be fine with any of them.

Be good to yourself

I just booked a river cruise on the Danube in October. I can feel the physical changes as I am getting older, have seen some friends get diagnosed  with illnesses, have some heart issues myself......and I thank God that I am still physically and financially able to explore life and all it's beauty.

Thanks for the update!

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello and Happy New Year!

So another year is coming to a close. Yesterday, I broke tradition and took down the tree and the decorations. I normally keep them up past New Years, but with the New Year on a Monday and back to work on Tuesday, it just didn't flow right so down they came. As I have written on someone else's post, I have not been in the true Christmas spirit this year. Not the blues, but more mellowed? Normally, I am in a mad drive to get the right gift at the right time and make sure everything is great. This year, I made sure everything was okay.

I've got a few chores around the house and may have to call a plumber on one issue as I am very perplexed. All in all, a great year and I am looking forward to the next year. So lets give a few updates:

On the parent front, they are maintaining. My mom is getting physical therapy now and that is helping her a lot. Prior to that she wasn't really doing anything other than sitting on the couch and watching TV all day. My father still is worried about losing his eyesight and is easily frustrated. I call him from time to time just to get him too laugh and relax a bit.

The rest of the family is doing fine. My oldest daughter just received a promotion and is now an intervention specialist at one of our schools in the District. I am very proud of her. I will see her tomorrow for lunch with her and her husband. My youngest has started a business of selling these adorable crochet items at markets. She keeps herself busy and enjoys her work.

I have made a great recovery from knee surgery and can now sleep at night without both knees throbbing. I can't run any more, but I can walk and still go to the gym to keep in shape. Next goal is to lose a few pounds so that I will be a little quicker.

My wife and I went to Tokyo for two weeks in November and it was a blast. I enjoyed the food and just how beautiful the city is. We visited many sites and made an excursion to see Mt. Fuji. Next time, I would like to see Kyoto. The problem we had was that while the trains didn't bother me, they made my wife ill. She had jet lag and it took several days before she could really handle the train.  All in all though, it was a fantastic trip and I loved the city. I was told that I picked a great time to come as it was cool, but not cold. Winters can be very cold and summers very hot. So, I guess we planned it right.  I am planning our next trip. For the those that are interested, read my next post.

Work is keeping me busy and now I am beginning to really pay attention to my finances as I get closer to retirement. The divorce had a huge impact on my retirement, but I will manage regardless. That is one thing I have learned on my journey through MLC. You may not end up where you wanted to land, but you will land somewhere.

I wish all of you a Happy New Year and I hope all of you take the time to be extra good to yourself and remember that despite what your MLCer may say about you, your presence brings value to all of us.

(((Ready)))

[xyzcf]

Happy New Year as well ready!

Glad to read your update. Sounds like your parents  are stable. Glad your knee surgery went well!

That is one thing I have learned on my journey through MLC. You may not end up where you wanted to land, but you will land somewhere.

Loved this!

Wishing you and your wife and all your loved ones a very Happy New Year!

[FaithWalker]

Happy New Year Ready!  Sorry to hear about the train sickness with your wife.  That's no fun.  Can't wait to hear where you are planning next!  I think we are looking at a London trip in the Fall if we can swing it.

I'm glad that your knee surgery was successful and that you can walk and work out at the gym.  Congrats to your daughter on her promotion!

[beyondblessed]

Very nice update, Ready.   Life sounds good, even with all the twists and turns, you seem to be navigating well.  Japan sounds lovely and congrats to your D on the promotion.  Can't wait to hear about your next adventures!  I've said it many times before, but I just love to see the LBS thriving in the aftermath of what once was a very different life.