And you were able to influence her housing situation in Switzerland how?

Logic is a skill that MLC'ers seem to have a distinct lack of...

Yes it is right, I don't even know where is her housing, I thought she had rented something in France.

Now I see I am a bit shaken by the new change in the living arrangements. Even if I anticipated it a long time ago, the reality is still striking. And the children also are shaken, especially D17 who is unusually aggressive towards me the last days. Yesterday evening, I saw that I was shaken, and it helped me a bit to get back my balance.

I am right now facing a dilemma : W told me first that she will go in S Thursday (today), and come back on Sunday. Then she sent me a message saying that there is no way she can come back Sunday evening, instead she comes back Monday at 12:30. I checked the company and actually there are still flight seats Sunday 7pm and Monday 7:20 am. So my intuition is telling me there is a big lie. I know that OM's day off is on Monday, addind 2+2 is not difficult, and I guess they plan to spend time together in S. Now, what I do with this information ?

1) : I go to the airport and I take a picture of them (if possible unknown from them)
2) : I ask someone to go the airport and take a picture from them
3 ) : I inform the bishop or his deputy that OM (a priest) and my wife will spend time together in Switzerland
4) : I tell W that I am aware of her plans
5) : I do nothing

Do you see other options ? At this time I am asking for advice. I have asked my lawyer, and as a lawyer he advised me to do nothing (because an action will likely deteriorate the separation), as a friend (and Christian) he told me there are pros and cons.
At this time my opinion is rather the option 5 : do nothing. But it is difficult, I confess, to be able to do something and choose not to do. My mind is racing. Last time I had a similar dilemma, I finally chose to act against the advices from the forum here, and as foretrees had predicted, my action bit me in the ass.

Regarding separation/divorce topic, the lawyer told me that he received a mail telling that, as there in no progress, she will likely file. I asked my lawyer to write to W's lawyer that we are open to discussion, and ask (again) what is W's proposal ? I understand that (as in many stories) W is wanting me to do the job of the legal papers. W is likely not happy with me not doing it (as expected), but I don't care. What could she do ? Divorce ? She is already divorcing . My only fight is for the children and for the finances, so that we are able to stay in the house. And, from this point of view, W's choice of abandoning us is good news for me, again confirmed by my lawyer.

Jumping in on a couple of the topics here. First, some pages back, Acorn contributed regarding, among other things, the importance of healthy detachment. I cannot stress enough how essential that was for me. I remember reading various books and blogs and hearing about how the MLCer's actions aren't directed at the LBS; it's not personal; I needed to learn to not base my own happiness on the outcome of her crisis. And at the time, that was absolutely unfathomable to me. How could it possibly not be personal - it was the worst and most personal betrayal; it destroyed the very foundation of my life. And yet... as I started to work through it, I realized that that was my codependency talking. I had (and still have) an identity that is separate from and not reliant on my spouse or my marriage. My value and my path to peace and contentment and joy were mine alone to determine. And yes, I even came to accept that her crisis wasn't about me - it was about her own pain and past trauma and her attempt to find happiness via distractions and external validation and the dopamine rush of the new and exciting. And, as others have said... even if we forgive and reconcile and truly do move past the impact that BD had, it's impossible to forget it. BD was a traumatic event in our lives, and even though it hopefully doesn't define us, trauma does contribute to the shape and path of our lives.

An at-home wallower might resolve their crisis without leaving or divorcing, and maybe even without a physical affair... but I have a hard time seeing how they work through it and figure it out without at least an emotional affair. It might not even have a strongly romantic bent to it - but I think that for them to resolve it, they have to have the realization that the problem wasn't the marriage or the home life, but rather, was an internal problem within themselves. They can do that by leaving home, changing jobs, getting a new partner, or some combination of those things, perhaps. I feel like with wallowers it probably takes longer to resolve things, in general, because the high-energy MLCers can reach rock bottom pretty quickly while wallowers can just be stuck for long periods of time - even more so if they're still in their homes. I'm not saying that resolution without an affair and without leaving home is common, just that I do think it's possible. My W lived elsewhere for 7 months in 2020-early 2021, but she was in our home for several hours, 5-6 days a week, during that time. She had an emotional affair but no physical affair, and we never legally separated. It all played out over a shorter timeline than many of the stories here, and I don't know how much the pandemic affected the course of her crisis. But she moved back home in April 2021, and refers to her MLC as a time when she "doesn't even know who [she] was."

I'm not sure what that adds to the discussion; I'm from 2020 rather than 2017, and I've gone from posting at least daily (and visiting several times a day) to often going several months between visits and rarely posting on my own thread anymore. The main reason is just that there's not much new to say... we're just living our lives. It's not perfect; there was no earth-shattering revelation when we reconciled. We just mutually decided that we wanted to be each other's person again/still, and we are doing our best to do just that. We're wiser and a little scarred from our experiences, but we appreciate our relationship more because of that, I think.

Hi hopeful5,

The same person I'm quoting on my signature also wrote "it's not what happens to you, but how you react to it that matters".

The big question is how are you reacting? How are you making sure your and kids wellbeing is not compromised in this abusive enviroment. 

Your options are pretty much a mixture of playing defence (setting boundaries),  letting her run the show (allowing abuse), running away (no contact, moving out), fighting fire with fire (warzone), or getting outside help (child welfare, therapy).

If thinking the kids and family, none besides setting boundaries, getting outside help, or running away shows a good example and the value every person should place to their well-being.

So you now have a list of what is going on in front of kids. Where do you draw the line?  For me it was the moment my XW physically assaulted me in front of kids. Don't let it progress to stage like that (and yes, you did succesfully describe my XWs behaviour to her core with your list).

alvin

And since your recovery, have you seen and spoken to medical professional of what you experienced? And if not, why? I did not. Earlier in this thread I said that I gradually came out of it over a period of 1.5 years. My ability to feel my feelings returned... One night in 2022, something inside me changed...again. In that moment, I returned to me. I knew that mind. I felt like me again. The me that was me be before MLC. That too was a very strange experience.

So I guess I would say that I didn’t see or speak to a professional because I didn’t feel like there would be any benefit in it. I was me again. I was fully home in my body.

Thanks for the responses. They open up your story nicely.

A shame you never discussed this with professional as it would have been tempting to hear how they would classify your experiences. I think part of the charm of "midlife crisis" is that it so easy to put anything without proper explanation or diagnosis into it.

As side note, not sure if you have ever heard of depersonalization disorder https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depersonalization-derealization-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20352911, but at least to me what you describe you went through seems to have a lot of similarities. It is one of those bizarre mental snap-in/snap-out conditions people might experience once or multiple times in their life.

Alvin

I’m gonna send some truth darts your way.  You are nowhere near ready for a new relationship.   Getting involved in one now when you’re in this broken state will only create more misery and despair.  You don’t need more carnage in your life.  It will just mean more trauma to deal with.   

There is plenty of light at the end of the tunnel.   There is life after this. I never believed it myself two years ago but it is true.  I promise you. 

However.   You need time to journey through your own tunnel of self discovery before you can reach the light.  And your tunnel is long. 

You’re desperate for someone to love you right now?  This is the MLcer path, searching for external fixes to repair internal unhappiness.   But this will fix absolutely nothing.  You need to learn to love yourself first.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Take it day by day.   I promise you.  It does get better.