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OffRoad - LOL.

I woke up this morning after having a vivid dream, which after reading UrsaMajor's full moon post is rather amusing. When I woke up I was a little perplexed as to why the dream now. I was also surprised I wasn't upset by the dream. In fact, after shaking the feeling of mild confusion, I laughed and thought that it seems my subconscious is right in line with where I am at.

Our house was built in 1946, and many of the architectural details were still in tact from the original build, but when Xh and I moved in, there had been obvious "updating" in the late 60's/early 70's. The living room had cherry paneling and a baby blue wall to wall carpet. Telltale signs of wallpaper in some of the rooms. When we bought the house, it was in fantastic shape and the work only was cosmetic. We slowly began remodeling and adding on before S was born.

In the dream, I am certain I was in our living room before the renovations even began but it was furnished. The furnishings were a mix of pieces. I recognized the furniture as being pieces from each set of grandparents and only a couple of the pieces I actually have now. They were all pieces of furniture from both sets of grandparents' living rooms.

Xh was standing and pleading with me. He was telling me that he wanted to come home. He never said he was sorry. Never admitted to anything, simply told me he wanted to come home and uttered that OW chose her H. He was clearly heartbroken and yet not about what he had done to the family, but about the end of this relationship.

My response was to say I was sorry, but he could not come home.

Yet, in the dream I felt a pang of sadness for Xh. It was a tiny feeling of compassion because he was hurting. Yet, there was a much bigger feeling and that was for myself. The feeling of in that dream, his desire to return was not because he had a moment of clarity, but because I was option 2. It was I was the backup plan.

I woke up before knowing how it completely played out. I know what the significance of the furnishings are to me. It took awhile for me to realize each of those pieces were significant to me in my childhood. In particular, little ottoman that sat at end of my M's mom's chair, where I always sat, even as a teenager. I know the furnishings have to do with feeling as if my grandparents are always there for me in some way, just like they were when they were alive. I wonder if he significance of my F's mother dying right before the discovery of Xh's affair played into the dream. I do know there was an odd sense of comfort.

The house before the renovations I believe represents the old and not being able to, nor wanting to go back.

My subconscious seemed to simply highlight how I have moved so far away from Xh - the crisis version - that even if he were to somehow come back around, I cannot ever feel like I am some type of back up plan. That whole option B.

I also know that these big changes on the house have been exciting, but a bit frightening. It has been a confusing stretch for me. I am mildly overwhelmed by the projects and how they are falling into place. On the opposite end of things I am discouraged by what I have lying ahead of me and how I have to play catch up for the time wasted in MLC land treading water. And somewhere in those feelings are moments of accomplishment and joy.

I am making changes that need to happen for a variety of reasons. Some are not fun projects, I will admit. But, I have realized that when I drive into the driveway and now see my new roof and the new front storm door, I am pretty happy.

Mid afternoon, I received a text that my windows for the kitchen are in. I am on my way in the morning to pick those up. I had to laugh because the order was slated to come in earlier and I could have actually had them installed before this crazy cold weather. I may have to store them and install them in the spring, but one never knows. We are early in the winter season yet. It is not beyond the realm of possibility that we will get a warm stretch long enough to make that happen. And by warm, I may only be talking 45ºF  ::)

I spent part of my afternoon sitting, drinking coffee, overlooking a small lake before going off to teach my drawing class. I could have been making great progress on paperwork, but I decided to really stop and change gears from my morning.

I was glad I took the time. I relaxed enough to come up with a very elusive title for a painting I am donating to an art auction next week. And an email came in from the university job that my friend recommended me for. The division chair wants me to just submit the application right away and not to worry about my work samples at this time. It seems my friend showed her samples of my work and apparently there were a couple of former students of mine that went through the program at one point. I was told that I have been the subject of several conversations over the years. I am humbled, but I also thought there was some serious humor in that.

In MLC there were rumors floating around and lots of character assassination that has continued. Just recently the newspaper printing my name with Xh's for not having paid property taxes for 2 years shook me to my core. I am not exactly used to people telling me they have heard things about me and upon hearing that phrase not feeling like I should be in defense mode.

I sent my sister a copy of the email and laughed. She came back with "oh, so what you are saying is you are getting a reputation" full well knowing that I would see the humor in that statement. I must admit, these "rumors" are much nicer.  :)
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Our Community / Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Last post by 3Boys4Me on Today at 09:33:32 PM »
I needed to hear that tonight dear  Courage, thank you from the bottom of my (broken) ❤️ heart
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Offroad, I read what you wrote about your friend before and I just wanted to mention that it was very interesting and enlightening and wanted to thank you for sharing.

About controlling how someone deals with menopause, you are right. I've seen this even in disabled people. There are some disabled people who make the most of their lives in spite of their limitations and they can be inspiring. And then there are those who just let it bring them down and become bitter, complain and make excuses for their lack of attempting anything in their life. I had the good fortune of working for someone like the former when I was in college and I never forgot it. It has always made me realize that we still have choices within the physical confines we are dealt in our lives. We still have a range of limits we can push, or complain about.
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Our Community / Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Last post by 3Boys4Me on Today at 09:00:09 PM »
Thanks for the support all.

He’s now contacted two more times today on separate issues - the first one, I didn’t reply to, there is no need, he can figure out the answer. The second contact was related to coordinating something with S14, I simply answered I am unavailable x, i will have S15 call you this day at x. Since my truth darts, he has reached out almost every day and I have only replied once. I still feel like crap, but going as dark as possible should hopefully help.

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Our Community / Re: Menopause - Split from Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Last post by OffRoad on Today at 08:48:21 PM »
So, moving back to whatever pause. When I started down THAT path, I started having anxiety attacks. Yes, the chemical changes caused a physical reaction in my system. I would shake, fear everything, mind would race, etc. People made me cranky because I had no control over how I felt at that time. So yes, there was a physical and maybe mental aspect that I could not control. What I could control was how I dealt with it. I could have screamed at everyone to leave me alone. I could have melted into a quivering puddle. I could have gone out and found an om who would make me feel safe. I did NONE of those things. I tried exercise, relaxation techniques,  vitamin suppliments until I found what worked (for me it was B-complex, for my sister a therapist. We all find what works for us). I did NOT  say "I'm anxious and that makes me unhappy so it must be everyone else's fault".  It's why my personal anecdote says MLC is NOT just whatever pause. I've watched my friend, 9 years younger, navigating this same path, though she's got a rocky MLT or mild MLC going. She also describes not knowing why she is doing something she normally would not. My questioning of her tells me all her teenage behavior is based on not getting to be a teenager . She worked in the family business from the time she was little. And while she has no SO to cheat on, she has had ample opportunity to latch onto a married man. Yet that line holds strong-NO. Other lines appear to change and be blurry. She is not the same person I met 25+years ago, she is far less mature now.

What is it that could destroy enough of your brain cells to think cheating on your spouse, abandoning your kids, stealing all the money, leaving your spouse without a place to live are in any way ok?  If dissociation is actually the key, then it can't be just whateverpause, it has to be individual situational. And yet, it does seem to happen more frequently at a set of ages, but not always.

It still sounds like a combo of things, including core personality.
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Our Community / Re: 3.5 years In..Trying to give Zero Firetrucks
« Last post by mightymama on Today at 08:41:44 PM »
In a few weeks it will be 3.5 years since BD. I don't really like to think about my mental state at that time, but suffice to say, as all of you have experienced, it was devastating and soul crushing. And really every other gut-wrenching and traumatic emotion out there right? But. Here I am. And here we are. Amazing isn't it? 

I read something somewhere about the LBS being envious of our MLCer and OP's  relationship. Jealous of them having each other and doing all the things that we once did. That struck a chord with me. I have a bad case of FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)  in general so thinking of them always sets me off. And I know I am NOT supposed to do it, but some little thing might trigger and off I go into Monkey-Brain Land imagining the two of them flying on a private jet to the Met Gala hanging out with Beyonce and Jay-Z. (MmmmmHmmmm--I have issues) And I am well aware this is likely the furthest thing from the truth, but well......Like I said, issues.  ::)

Anyway, it got me thinking. Why am I so envious?  B/c they are dating like a couple of high schoolers? (No exaggeration here--they literally go to house parties and high school football games--And neither has a kid who actually plays football or is in the band or cheerleading--nope, no reason to go other than "something to do"). Do I want to do these things? Nope. B/c the life I imagine, heck the life I HAD with H, is so much better than that. We were, and are adults. I am an adult.

So step one in giving Zero Firetrucks, and not coveting what "others" have presently is to recall what I've been through and accomplished over the past 3.5 years since BD...on my own.  Warning, this may sound braggy. But if you know me at all, you'd know my self esteem has taken a massive beating (as all of our has I am sure) and my confidence is not quite where I'd like it to be. And I need to remind myself that I am no shrinking violet. I am a force to be reckoned with. Anyway, here goes:

1.  Survived 6 months of chemo and 2 months of radiation, while working full time and taking care of a then 9 year old, and all household responsibilities. (This was the time H decided to take a vacation from the family).

2. Merged my law firm into another larger one and re-built my practice after literally ALL of my previous colleagues (from my small firm) decided they didn't want to be at this new firm a year later.  :o

3. Replaced garage door, had a beautiful iron gate installed, had fence fixed and security cameras and lights installed around the house exterior.  Loads of other household and safety measures taken, and many household repairs and upgrades needing to be done even before H left--had them all done. 

4. Took S13 on all sorts of vacations and trips (even though the thought of going without H initially terrified me).

5. Went to Tuscany! OMG--never been to Europe before. And it was a trip of a lifetime. Can't wait to go back...especially with my 11pm/3am wine cult sisters and brother. ;)

6. Paid off all debt and massively improved my credit score.

7. Re-built my relationship with my sister and father. Never been closer.

8. Reconnected with my high school and college besties. We get together regularly now, even though we live far apart.

9. And. Most importantly.....I have a smart, funny, kind-hearted and well-adjusted son who is happy, healthy and doing well in school. I couldn't ask for any more than that!

It has been a long, hard road for sure. And I am still not where I would like to be on so many levels. But I've learned that this journey is mine too. And I am better than I was before. And I can do this, as I HAVE done this. Right now all I have to do is keep my eye on the prize...S13. It is such a privilege to be able to raise that little human.

Thanks all--you guys have truly been a lifeline to me over these past few years.

Previous Thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11039.0;all

Thats wonderful to hear, KIT!  Im so happy for you!
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Our Community / Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Last post by MyBrainIsBroken on Today at 08:34:38 PM »
I didn't have an Mlcer.

I don't mean to be offensive but this is the only relevant part of this post IMO. What good does it do to compare apple trees with bulldogs?
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Our Community / Re: My former spouse just said "he's happy"
« Last post by ember on Today at 07:56:03 PM »
Good job letting your boys take control. It gets easier as it goes along. For me, my exH simply texted the kids and kept me out of it which was great for my staying dark. It is just one more step towards your H realizing that you aren't playing his games anymore.

Keep up the good work.
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Our Community / Re: Shocks sis recovered MLCer 11
« Last post by in it on Today at 07:43:44 PM »
Seahorse-

I didn't have an Mlcer. I don't think I believe in MLC and the horrific behavior that ensues as if there was no control over it. Some excuse for extremely bad behavior. Frankly I don't know what he was, outside being very abusive. ( A lot of my own foo issues kept me trying to make things better)

As far as them keeping tabs on us?

For the record:
He divorced me for someone else.
I left the marital home.
The affair lasted 11 months ended with a lot of drama.
I went back foolishly thinking he would want the family intact.
That attempt lasted a year and 8 months before he  called the troopers on me to take me to a wellness center to be evaluated ( I was crying a lot due to the grief since I knew there was no way a relationship was going to work. He would take zero accountability for blowing up the family.) He told the troopers I was going to commit suicide which was not true and I didn't find out he said that until much later.
After spending  6 hours being evaluated I was released
He intimidated me into handing over my bank card and signing the only car that was in my name over to him. Yelling and screaming the entire time then kicked me out with just the clothes on my back . I stayed with a relative.

I went back two weeks later for my clothes and personal papers He called the troopers AGAIN. Provoked me, voice recorded me and he assaulted me before the troopers got there. I hit my head on the pavement in the assault and I was in shock when they got there and could not tell them what happened. I ended up at the hospital for ex-rays 3 days later. I could not have him arrested, I tried.
This happened 6 years ago

Now it's pretty obvious to me he could not care less about me. Anybody that treated you like that. Why on God's green earth would you think they cared? Or could care where you went or what you were doing as long as they were rid of you. I was the problem right? The cause of all the misery?

Two years ago I moved to a whole other state, 1100 miles away.

Last year.
I was contacted by a lawyer in regards to my late mothers estate. This lawyer had nothing to go on but my married last name ( I changed it back to my maiden name after THAT drama) and he had called the ex looking for me  >:(

The ex told him : I think she is in and named the state I reside in now. ??? ??? :o :o :o

I have been COMPLETE and total pitch black NC for 6 years.
 
So if you think they don't keep tabs, you might want to rethink it. Doesn't matter in my case, my answer is a huge NO of ever going back or ever wanting anything to do with him ever again. My situation is different.

Seahorse- My advice is go no contact, or maintain it if you are now, gain strength and thrive. They more than likely will be watching.
You need to focus entirely on you and not concern yourself with what they are doing.
 
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Our Community / Re: The Adventures of the Chaos Kids + 🐘
« Last post by Couragedearheart on Today at 07:40:37 PM »
Thanks Sea,

I just don’t want to offend anyone.

My IC made a very good observation today, she said “so, you bought the man, who is scared to emotionally attach to humans a stuffed animal that matches the one he was emotionally attached to as a child, and the sensory memory of holding and petting the stuffed animal allowed him to open up emotionally to you.......you should trust your intuition more”

I guess the best thing I can do, is working on all the pain and attachments and expectations that are getting in the way of me focusing on God. Because I can’t really see Him when I’m focusing on my pain.

Did you know that all the words for judgement in the Bible except one have restorative properties? The one that doesn’t, is never used for God. Because that was always his purpose in our lives....to restore us, restore us back to the original....the thing he created and looked at with love and pride and tenderness and said “it is good.”

Sea, I’m learning.....we are good.....we are a good creation.  We were made for love, to love and be loved.....and that’s the only way He sees or ever saw us. It’s the crap we picked up along the way that’s hurting us, that’s holding us back, that’s keeping us from being totally enveloped in the Love that is him.
When God judges us he is evaluated what needs to be removed to make us whole again. The parts that hurt more than help anymore. There is no surgeon I trust more than the one who loves me, and wants what’s good for me.

When someone loves us, they sit with us in our pain, and they empathize with us, they feel our pain....I was never alone, never abandoned, never suffering unoticed and uncared for....He was with me....even if it didn’t see it at the time, holding me in my hurt, waiting on me to try every avenue first before finally saying I chose you.....God is no more diminished by being my last resort. Because that’s love, a love that I cannot even begin to comprehend, love that just wants to love you and spend time with you and be a part of your every moment, because that love looks at me, and sees the thing I cannot see in myself, that I am wanted and desired and matter THAT much.

I don’t know why I felt the need to say all that to you tonight....but there it is.

https://youtu.be/Br1q_i1RHPU
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