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Our Community / Re: The Road Not Taken VIIII
« Last post by Savoir Faire on Today at 12:27:42 AM »
It;s true, men like that are hard to find.  I remember meeting my xH and thinking he was special like you are describing.  It turns our he's really special ::)  I know the man in crisis is not my former H.
Our Community / Re: The Heart Behind The Hurt.
« Last post by Songanddance on Today at 12:27:04 AM »
One thing I have found really helpful was started by my therapist who in her first "diagnosis " of me said that not only did I have PTSD but my language about myself and my situation needed flipping through NLP.  Neuro linguistic programming,

I started studying it and am now a trained life coach and NLP practitioner. 

It's seems so simple and yet is quite hard to do especially in the early days.

NLP is you actively re-wiring your use of language to create more positive or productive thinking and speaking. 

For example using the word "but".   But has its place in our language. It is however a negative non growth term.
 "I would love to go swimming regularly BUT I have little money or I don't have the time or I can't/don't  etc.

You can replace "but" with "and" and flip the sentence about  ....I have little money and I would love to go swimming so I have a way of working this out/ I can find time ....

It's a way of re-programming your natural inner verbal hurdles that condition your brain.  In fact your therapist uses it on you ...
.." You Barbiedoll have given ALL YOUR PERSONAL POWER away and I want you to STOP THAT today. It is NOT what I want for YOU and I am going to teach you have to stop giving it away"

No buts. no negative language just plain direct comments using NLP style language to make you think - and it worked!

Lots of books are out there but anything by Richard Bandler would be a good start. There is a great  NLP starter  kindle book - wish I could think of it - will go back to my under-used kindle to find it.

Anyway - good start Barbie
Our Community / Re: Babe carries on a bit more
« Last post by Trustandlove on March 21, 2019, 11:56:19 PM »
Thank you for writing your thoughts on forgiveness, I have been working on this for years, actually.

I agree about it being hard to get to Big Forgiveness, especially while they are still doing harmful things.  My H hasn't directed anything directly at me for a year or so now, but has to the children, which in my book counts as still doing harmful things.  Even them seeing things they would rather not see on social media counts as harmful, as it does hurt them deeply. 

I keep away, so in that way don't harbour bitterness, I get on with my life, I have a good life, if nothing like the one I thought I would have with my family. 

I like how you say that acceptance and not wanting to hurt them back is good enough, leaving the rest in God's hands, and yes, describing that as above my pay grade is right :).  I, too, trust that that higher power can handle that, I may or may not get there, but I won't be making things any worse. 
Our Community / Re: 23 Months in and I just want my peace.
« Last post by Whyus on March 21, 2019, 11:49:38 PM »
XW did try and start small talk, I must have pulled her back to "Business" about 3 times but it was ok. I did briefly ask how her dad was doing when we were finished. She went a Little quiet when i said that I was about to hang up though.

K and I always have an hour on the balcony when the day is done. We will have a Little drink and talk about our day and so on. That is our time and its a really good concept to "reserve" an hour to just talk and reflect.
Last night, whilst sat on the balcony K said "I had to leave the room yesterday when you called your XW. The way she said hi to you, I didnt expect that. She was really pleased to hear from you as though she had been waiting for you to call. I went upstairs and I thought that she would tell you that she misses you and I wondered what you would then do with that. It was a really uncomfortable Situation".

I told her that I saw it like that too and I was also surprised but not bothered by it. I assured her  that the good ship XW had sailed and that she is just the mother of my children now and she has nothing to worry about.
She did say that she noticed that I didnt fall for it and kept my Business head on but I had no idea that K had heard it, I have to turn the volume on my phone down a touch I think.

Basically, K said exactly what I had typed yesterday so if your reading this K "Dont you worry about XW, we are done. Or atleast I am"  ;D
Our Community / Re: Perspective
« Last post by Reinventing on March 21, 2019, 11:28:38 PM »
Had a similar situation before BD with going to a party. Also later realized that one potential OW was attending, so his two worlds collided that night and he acted really weird and belittling.

It was 100% him and had nothing to do with me.
Our Community / Re: Beauty into Beast 10
« Last post by Whyus on March 21, 2019, 11:17:11 PM »
Morte the teacher, sounds like a plan and could look like this when she walks into the room  8)

Our Community / Re: The final rebellion and healing
« Last post by PJ Ames on March 21, 2019, 10:53:36 PM »
But what does rock bottom look like for a wallower? How can you tell when they've hit it?

Lari - So sorry! I'm not trying to hijack your thread! I just think this is an important subject.
Our Community / Re: Long Haul Truckin'
« Last post by Treasur on March 21, 2019, 10:40:49 PM »
Not sure if you need to read more, PJ. There's a point when we know enough I think and it is more about dealing with the behaviour.  Have a vague memory that Conways wife might have written something about women in crisis...
Our Community / Re: The final rebellion and healing
« Last post by Thunder on March 21, 2019, 10:28:36 PM »
I had a Wallower and I agree with everything OldPilot said.
Our Community / Re: Long Haul Truckin'
« Last post by PJ Ames on March 21, 2019, 09:59:14 PM »
Thanks DBD, Treasur and OneDay.

OneDay: Can't disagree with you on the religion thing! ::)

DBD: I hope you're right. But the human capacity for lying to one's self seems almost limitless. Especially in MLC  :-\

Treasur: Should I read Conway? I haven't, because I thought his stuff was more applicable to men in crisis. But the 4 enemies seems to apply. W has definitely been treating me, God and her body differently and often as adversaries. The job is a bit of twist. She never had much ambition until just before BD and she stayed home with our kids when they were small. But over the last three years she's become a bit of a workaholic. So it's changed, but not in the way a frustrated career-minded male's would have.
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