Thank you FaithWalker.
The loss of the cat was really very difficult. I think it honestly pushed the other emotions that have been hovering below the surface to the top. I needed to really let go. My M loved that little cat. She would ask me about him all the time.
And just when I thought things might quiet down, S had an accident last weekend while riding a dirt bike which has our year ending with a complete bookend situation. I started the year off with surgery and he is ending it with a broken femur at the hip and won't be able to walk on his leg until the end of December.
It could have been much worse and I am grateful for that.
The accident resulted in me calling Xh when I realized S was not exactly dealing with bumps and bruises. Xh responded with saying he was on his way and kept sending me photos of S when he was a kid and saying "don't worry he is tough". I was shaking my head and thinking "um thanks, but not what I need right now". I wasn't freaking out. Yes, I was anxious but not showing it. I was waiting to see what the ER doctor said. Xh ended up showing up after nearly going to the wrong hospital. He got a bit short with me and I responded "I told you when I was on the phone with you and also repeated it two more times via text, so I don't know how you went the other way". He didn't say a word. He called his sister who is a retired cardiology nurse and she had him convinced S would be in a lower body cast, etc. D was there and she was very calm. I was so proud of her. She didn't point out the obvious, which was that was not my former SIL's area of expertise and she has been out of the field for some time. D merely said she would be very surprised if that happened as she has never seen that in any of her rotations - Xh would have no clue that D's area of study has been in orthopedics and specifically the past couple of years one of her concentrations is in hip related injuries. D explained that the only time she has seen them do that would be an extreme case where they need to isolate multiple fractures. D would later tell me that they try to keep most of the other muscles etc mobile to help with rehab - fear of too many things having atrophy makes rehab harder.
Xh didn't acknowledge D. She didn't get angry later. She told me that he was so foreign to her now. I was saying to someone else that he is this very bizarre mix of his F and his deceased B - very different from who Xh was years ago. It is like he has absorbed their personalities.
It would be a long few hours and the ER doctor determined they needed to send S to a trauma hospital in the city because this injury was too complex for them to handle. S would be taken by ambulance and I ran home to take care of my dog and grab some things for S and for the potentially long night. Xh gave me a look of confusion. His response was he was going home and I should too and that S would be fine going to the hospital. I must have had quite the look. I told him he could do as he wished but I was going to follow the ambulance up because that hospital is one S has never been to for one. The other was the last time he was in a hospital was when we had to make a decision about my M. S's GF rode in the ambulance and D and I followed. We stayed until 12:30 am and were home by 1:30 am. I turned around and went back the next morning at 7:30 am with D. S's GF had also gone up. Xh was there. I sat down and made the mistake of selecting the chair next to him. I won't make that mistake again. I might have been able to handle a hug at the time. Maybe. It would have at least made some sense. Instead he looked at me and said I looked like I had been crying and proceeded to rub my back between my shoulders. I must have bristled and I stood up and moved. I responded no, I was just exhausted and hadn't gotten much sleep. Xh worked on his computer and I would go back and forth switching places with D, and S's Gf and later my niece.
Xh didn't know who my niece was. He hasn't seen her in over 10 years. I was looking at his attire and just wondering who this man was. I never have had a problem with people changing their fashion, etc, but this is such a bizarre thing to see. Xh had always worn pressed shirts and even his jeans were pressed when I first met him. He relaxed some over the years, but always for work looked like he was put together. His hair was always short. Now, he literally looks like a 1960's hippie. Long hair in a ponytail. Loose clothes, a beret that day and Birkenstocks. It is not the outfit as much as no one would believe me if I showed them a photo. It is a complete change. And his behavior - I explained it to my fiancé as being with this annoying relative that won't leave. He mentioned Uncle Eddy from Christmas Vacation and I can't unsee it. That has me laughing still. It is exactly that now.
The fact that again, Xh was given an opportunity to just talk with D in a neutral territory and didn't just is mind boggling. D told me she knows that Xh just is replaying his own childhood and her response at this point is "get help".
Xh played superhero the following day, as I had to work and also needed to go shove all of my office furniture in the living room and clear out that office for S to recuperate in. It is a small room and he would need some storage for clothing, etc. A bed set up, since he would not be able to go up and down a full stair case. He cannot put any weight on his leg at all. He can sit or use crutches but not even a toe should hit the floor. S's friend did help me get S's childhood bed frame down from my F's barn so that S would have a bed.
Now, I don't want Xh's help at the house, but I was still a bit annoyed that he never offered. He has not mentioned the fact that S has bills or it impacts my life. Nope. He sat with S until I was able to bring S home. A couple of days after S was home, I paid my niece to sit with S while I went to work. She insisted I didn't need to pay her, but I knew she gave up a shift at work to be there and spent money on gas. Xh called and offered to get S out of the house right before that. He suggested they could take a ride to the Harley dealership.
S and I laughed after that call. Um, S was in excruciating pain in the car the whole way home with every bump we hit. Furthermore, he was pretty weak at that point.
The Harley Dealership is all about Xh. They like him at that local shop. This was about him showing S off and people fawning all over S, but this was more about Xh's need for the attention. To be the great dad. Um - meanwhile later that day, S's good friend came over and helped me just get S outside for a walk up and down the driveway to stretch and get some fresh air. That was all S could handle.
Then to make things even more surreal, I was getting ready for work and the doorbell rang. I looked out and it was like looking at a ghost. It was my one BIL I haven't seen in 10 years. We always got along, but he chose a side for sure. S spent the trip this summer with him - the trip xh invited S on and then basically ditched him for most of it. S spent it with this uncle. Then came in former SIL. Her partner, like when my M died reached out to me the other night. I have no issues with the partner and never have. She is genuine. SIL - whole other story. Into my house they came. Luckily my office sits right at the front of the house and I could control that. I was annoyed. I don't mind people stopping in, but how about people I have been in contact with over the past 10 years. I would have liked some heads up. I texted Xh and said his sister and brother were here. He was shocked they just stopped in.
It has been a week since S came home. The true people who want to help or care have continued reaching out. Xh - idk, because I removed his name from my phone. He can communicate through S. I know his phone number by heart if there is any emergency, but I need to draw boundaries. I know that for the short term it may mean allowing xh access to S in my house. I am accepting that but I am going to control that and make it on my terms. I won't be sitting and visiting and will walk the dog or whatever, but I am not going to play happy family. I can't
Meanwhile, my fiancé is traveling and it created some tense feelings on one level. We both were triggered with the Xh aspect. However, we realize a big part is the distance right now is more than usual and out of our control. We both have needed each other and on the flip side it has imo, made us that much stronger. We have talked out our feelings and concerns. We miss each other like crazy.
I cried when I was told I was being sent something. I was told to please not be offended. Yah, I have been stubborn and independent to a fault in recent years. I have always been able to do things on my own. My independence has been something since I was in college. The problem arose or maybe more of my stubbornness about asking for help and accepting help came after BD. I had to do so much on my own and part of it was my reaction to Xh once telling me during BD that I would never be able to do it on my own. I have spent the last 10 or more years trying to prove it to myself and everyone else. I don't need to anymore. That is hard to accept. To be vulnerable and let someone step in and tell me they want to help. Letting go of my stubborn side. My wonderful fiancé was getting ready to board a plane the day surgery happened and he sent me a gift to help how he could in that moment. He understood immediately that I might need.
When S found out, he was really grateful. My F remarked that this man is one very special man and D - she cried. She said that was the most thoughtful thing in the world. It wasn't the gift any of us were even talking about - it was the thought behind it.
IDK how I am going to handle Xh moving forward for the next few weeks. My suspicion is he will show up for doctor visits where he has an audience. He will avoid the house for the most part because he will fear running into D. D meanwhile this morning sent a photo of herself in her official white coat which has Dr embroidered next to her name. It will be official soon enough. Xh has absolutely no clue. He also will not know D isn't home for the most part as it is her last on campus semester before her final rotations.
I was talking to a cousin of mine yesterday, who had a similar situation with a divorce later in life. She has remarried and recently she and I reconnected. We were close growing up, but there was an age gap that seemed so much larger for a long time. Her kids are 10 years older, etc. Our lives were at different points always. Now, we talk regularly and she has met my fiancé. She remarked the other day that she sees how happy I am and this is a healthy relationship with a really wonderful man. She is right.
What struck me earlier today is that Xh is still spinning and really seems to be just showing no growth. In the time I have known my fiancé, we have had ups and downs but we both have grown and are willing to continue to grow. We are realistic in life throwing us curve balls and maybe each day won't be perfect but we have committed to always being honest and talking about things to work through them. And, every time we talk now about hard issues, it might create some stress but at the end of it, we seem to feel closer.
There is no scenario now where I could go back to Xh. There just isn't. When I started here on the forum, that is what I desired. The problem always is none of us can control another human being. Once I realized I couldn't control him, it allowed me to grow on my own. The reality for so many LBS is those MLCers don't face their issues and by the time maybe some do, we have either grown weary of their spinning or I know in my case, I have outgrown that life. I have also embraced what I have cultivated and don't want to disrupt my own life. Now, the bigger thing I am facing is, I am fiercely protective of what I do have with fiancé and that I am putting up a protective force field. I won't allow Xh to affect what I have.
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