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Our Community / Re: Great fun in Limboland
« Last post by One day at a time on Today at 11:40:16 AM »
Just when I thought things were getting a bit better, today I heard back from the bank.. They won't approve me for the full amount I owe on the mortgage  :-\ The difference is not massive bit essentially most of my savings are going to buy H out and solicitors fees. My family is not in a position to help me so here I am, feeling all alone on this world with my problems...

I texted H to let him know as this obviously affects him as well. Interesting enough he said "I'm sorry".... Well, you should be H, this is all your making!! Anyway, he asked for the details and he said he's willing to change our agreement. We had agreed that I would give him 2/3s of the  amount now and the rest by the time we divorce (approx 4 years) - Now he says I could give him 1/3 now and use my savings to reduce the mortgage debt and I can pay the remaining 2/3s later... There was no argument, he came out with that himself... Even my friend who has been very upset with him for everything he's done acknowledged that he's been very reasonable...

I really don't know what to think.. When he does things like this it makes me feel like maybe he's not having a MLC, he's simply done but still cares about my well-being so he's trying not to make things harder.. Or maybe it is MLC and this is a result of the massive guilt he feels..
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Our Community / Re: The Rope is Dropped... I've let Go.
« Last post by Anon on Today at 11:34:01 AM »
Valley, your W is obviously still deep in the Replay fog.   Everything happened so fast - BD, move-out, then Divorce all in a 4 month period.   Even though you are now divorced, would you be up for future reconciliation/rebuilding if/when your wife moves past Replay and into the later MLC stages?

I'm also curious if the fact that you are now divorced would have any bearing on whether you would be willing to reconcile. 
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Our Community / Re: Reassembling - Assessing and rework
« Last post by MourningDove on Today at 11:31:11 AM »
UrsaMajor - you seem to spit your coffee out quite often. Is it something we should be concerned about? LOL Or, is it like so many of us who still cannot believe the absolute absurdity of the MLC brain?

In reality, it is not funny for any of us, even if we are done. These are people we loved at one time and I think if we laugh at it some might think we are being callous or never cared. For me, laughing at it is the only way I have survived any of this. It is really quite insane most of it. An adult would have contacted me and said "hey, the check is going to be late". If he had told me the reason, I might be okay with it, but he has used this excuse more than once, and like any school teacher would say, "hmmm, how many grandmothers does that make this year that have died"? It just is a very hard thing to believe. And what does he expect me to keep doing? "Oh, poor baby - let me call the electric company and tell them my Xh's reason du jour for the support being late". As an adult, I too have to budget and make sure I have my money set aside. Just in case. Luckily, I am getting to a bit of a point where it hurts when his money isn't here, but it isn't going to bring my whole life crashing down on me. I have made a tiny bit of headway in stabilizing my own situation. Sure, I might have to eat beans and rice for weeks, if need be, but I am not going to starve.  ;D

stillbaffled - You may join me on a walk anytime.  :)

I am looking forward to Thanksgiving this year. D is not sure why S is not going to see her F either. She mentioned it. She said "maybe dad will just stay home and sulk, while he eats cereal with his dog" and then she shrugged and simply said "choices". She and her boyfriend were on their way out the door and she said to text me when her F had been by so that she avoids him. I didn't ask, but she offered up that he is back to texting bombing her and scolding her. His latest installment she shared and he said "kids your age always have their phones on them and answer their texts. What are you special"? She didn't answer him. The thing is, if he knew either kid very well, both of my kids are not slaves to their phones. They have them on them, but they don't necessarily answer them right away or get lost in them. If D is focused on her school work, I don't get a response back unless it is something that I need to know right away. I don't hear from either kid for days now that they are at school. It is why I am on FaceBook more and such, as those are the times we sometimes catch up. I get that they are not ignoring me. They just are living their lives.

As I think back, FIL was very much this mentality. He felt his kids should reach out to him as he was the patriarch. I get that is some what an "old school" belief but I told him if it bothered him, maybe he should say something. Nope. Stubborn to a fault. But, when he was living with his second wife, he did reach out to the kids and the grandchildren. I don't know if she nudged him or what. I do know he was a much happier person when he was around her. She had her own things, he had his, but they did things together.

So, I see Xh now and I try to look at his actions in a neutral manner, but so often all I see is so frighteningly like his F that it still shocks me. And it is in direct conflict with who my XH was. He was always engaged in the kids' lives and would have never sent a text like that. He might joke with them and such, but not like this.

It is a strange thing to witness, this recreation of his F. It is hard not to connect those dots. BIL sees it as well, so coming from his B that says a great deal to me.

D has been communicating with BIL a great deal. I am ever so grateful she has a stable male in her corner who she can confide in. She talks to my F, but S is the one who is closest to my F as far as the grandchildren go. And, S has the neighbor who checks on him as well.

I went to my morning classes and the students were surprisingly quiet and worked hard. Something was up. I could feel it.

I got around to each of my 26 students and checked their progress. There were a few technical questions and some critiques. It was going smoothly. Almost too smooth.

I stopped by the last table. My "brown student" as he keeps referring to himself as, is still struggling with the fact that he is brown. I talked to him at length and I have a bit more insight. I know now why he is having a hard time with it to a degree. His parents are professionals and US citizens. I came right out and asked him where he lived - what district. He looked at me strangely. I said "work with me here". Where he lives is highly agricultural and there are many migrant workers there. With the current debates going on (not one I want to get into as such) he is experiencing more "heat". He asked me how I knew this. I said my cousin owns one of the largest farms in that area and he has had documented workers for years. There has been a huge crackdown with border patrol and such and many of his workers have had to produce their papers a great deal more than in the past. Many of them are becoming more frightened. I get it on a certain level, but I asked this young man if this has impacted him. He teared up and said that he was hauled in not too long ago and questioned. He does't have "papers" - why would he, he is a citizen.

Again, I am not going to debate the rights or wrongs of what is going on in the world. I am only concerned with what my student is experiencing and making sure he doesn't turn this to beating himself up and hacking away at his self esteem. I spent a great deal of time with him talking about his logo and how to really express himself. I am helping him channel his feelings. I am not a counselor, but I can help him "see" things.

His best friend was sitting there. She said "I keep telling him this and he worries about what every one thinks because he is brown". I started laughing and told him that if I worried what everyone else thought about me, I might never leave my house. He looked at me as if I was crazy. He said then how do you do it. I told him I have learned to try and only worry about those people who have my back and what they think and what I think. The rest, I told him "who gives a F what they think". ;D Before I walked away, I said I was going to remind him every day that while he is a lovely shade of brown, that I will never achieve with any amount of sun, that he is much more than "just brown". In fact, I told him that at least for me, I really didn't see him as brown, until he said something. He looked at me strangely. I said, I noticed a kid who is put together, is respectful and is a very handsome young man who always has a smile on his face - who happens to be brown. His best friend said to him "what she is trying to tell you is not everyone sees your skin tone first and even if they notice it, you are much more than that". He shook his head and said he sees it. I told him I didn't believe him but we would keep on working on this and it takes awhile for most of us to be comfortable in our own skin. For him, it is a much more literal thing and maybe in a way, tougher to battle since there will be some who will only see the color of his skin first.

I was hoping the second class would be a bit more "relaxed" in terms of heavy conversation. I did get to make the rounds there as well. And then, similar scenario. Last table and I get a student who wants to show me the letter that was sent to the principal, that was in fact shared with the student body by the principal.

Uh oh. I realized who wrote it right away. I know this kid REALLY well. He was one of my students last year and there is no doubt in my mind that out of the seniors he would have the skill set to pen a very well executed letter. It was not a threat or any thing of that nature. But it had the students pretty riled up. They couldn't believe that the seniors dared write this.

My coworker popped in and saw that I was reading the letter. He smiled and said "now you have done it". Yes, I own this one and I am actually quite proud of my former students. Last year, they would come and grumble about all of the injustices in life, etc. Most of the time they were being whiny kids. But there were moments they had valid complaints about the program they are in. It is a relatively new program and it needs massaging. I tried to tell these kids, as did my coworker that if they worked as a team and addressed these things like adults they might make significant changes in their own education. They never listened. They thought they didn't have a voice. I remember telling them as a college professor, I might have one student complain about something, but if the entire class comes back at me with a similar observation, I might want to address it. But, I had told them that it had to be something other than saying you don't want to do homework. They never quite got it.

That is, it would seem until they saw my juniors take my advice and address the counselor about their online course. They were able to address it in a rational manner and are at least having their concerns looked into. They did it the right way.

The seniors are in the same room when my juniors are, just a different half of the room. They overhead the advice. They have witnessed the movement. So, they wrote a group letter. It is a huge letter with each of their observations and concerns laid right out there. They were requesting that they be allowed to meet with the powers that be to try and find some solutions if not for them, but for the classes coming in next year. They then requested that the letter be shared with the rest of the student body, so that they too could have a voice and make changes.

It was a pretty powerful letter. My coworker was really kidding me after class. I said I was not so sure I wanted this type of pat on the back. I might now be in the line of fire. LOL. But, that said, I am really proud of my students. They are learning to advocate for themselves. A skill they should nurture and be proud of. I told my coworker I will own pushing the juniors and I have no problem if the principal asks if I was behind it. To a degree I was, I suppose. But, I said to my coworker that I don't want to get some pat on the back for this. I will take any heat, but those kids deserve the pat on the back for handling it this way. I hope the administration gives these kids an opportunity to make a difference.

The one who wrote it - I am most proud of. He has the worst set of home circumstances to overcome. He never has been a victim, but he is often looked at by others saying he will never amount to much because of his situation. A situation where his grandmother who has very little took him in when both of his parents took off on him a couple of years ago. He has anxiety and allergies galore. He would miss tons of school, yet never was behind on his work. My coworker and I always said he had it in him to go farther. That letter, tells me he really does.

I had a student like that my first year of teaching. That kid that just surprised us all how he overcame each obstacle. I have always said talent is one thing, drive is quite another. That kid had more drive than talent and he far surpassed any of his classmates. That was 25 years ago. I get regular calls from different levels of government agencies when he needs a referral for yet another security clearance for his highly specialized graphics job. I always joke that every student I get might be my next "ND". I might just see one of those again based on this letter.  ;D
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Our Community / Re: The long slow dance
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 11:31:00 AM »
I suspect she's not judging you, strawberry, she is judging your h and what he might do next.
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Our Community / Re: The Beautiful Things We Miss
« Last post by FaithWalker on Today at 11:30:43 AM »
Hi Never!  Nothing more on that feeling.  If there is anything, it's not reached the kids, or even the public yet.  My SIL said something to me recently that has made me stop and mull over.  She says that in her eyes, she feels that I'm grieving more over the loss of the marriage and what I thought was forever vs. the person.  That I'm grieving more what I thought was the plan for my life and how it would go.  I guess it's really hard for people to understand what we've gone through who are on the outside looking in.  They don't understand that it's like a death, and the person that they are now is not the person that you were married to.  They don't understand grieving someone alive.  And while yes, I grieve the marriage, I also grieve the person I married, because the moment that I said I do, he became my forever.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that.  But he has free will, and has chosen a different path.  I'm still learning to negotiate this new path, and I don't know what that looks like in the future.

My M and her fiance went to visit a friend of her fiance's a few weeks ago.  My M said that this woman had a prophetic gift and told my M that she had a child who was going through something very hard.  My M said that yes, her D was.  I don't know what all she told her, but this woman was praying for me, and then she told my M that I have a spirit of idolatry towards my H.  My M was taken aback when she said this.  I was taken aback when my M shared this with me.  I've lost some sleep over it.  I've read some articles on spouse idolatry, and I'm confused as ever.  Then I think, perhaps she means that I have made marriage restoration an idol.  I don't know.  I do think about my H, my broken marriage, my situation I am in now many times a day.  I am struggling right now within my faith.  I don't feel as close to God as I once was.  M and I were talking before she left on her trip and she was telling me the difference between God's perfect will and God's permissive will.  I think she was trying to tell me that it was okay to move on and that if I found another to marry, that I could still be blessed by God.  It is all so confusing.

What I do know is that I don't have to do anything, or decide anything right now.  I'll pray about this situation and continue to move forward living my life.  Perhaps the answer will come when I least expect it.
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Our Community / Re: Same $hite different day!
« Last post by Anon on Today at 11:28:28 AM »
Quote
FOO and childhood issues get too much weight in what is mostly a case of untreated stress and depression.

I completely agree with this.   It might be a factor but it certainly isn't the only factor and probably not the primary factor either.   Depression and morbid fear of aging/death would be my guesses for the primary factor.  If FOO was the primary factor we would see a LOT more MLCers in the world.
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Our Community / Re: The long slow dance
« Last post by strawberry on Today at 11:19:56 AM »
I am definitely trying to remember that this doesn’t necessarily mean the end of our friendship and that this is hard for her as well.  I guess there is a part of me that already feels like I’m doing enough unfavorable judgement of myself and I don’t need it from her as well.  Our running group has an event of Friday and I’ve decided to go and see how she reacts to me.
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Our Community / Re: No longer so lost...thread 2
« Last post by UrsaMajor on Today at 10:59:25 AM »
If you want to know what it's like inside his head, just try to explain what it's like tasting green...... With your elbow....
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Our Community / Re: Same $hite different day!
« Last post by UrsaMajor on Today at 10:56:46 AM »
Actually Anjae, my mom DID, in fact, tell me I should not marry STBXW and under no circumstances, should we have kids. I did both anyway. She has been kind enough NOT to say "I told you so.". She also told me that there was no way I could have known that this would happen but that, as a trained professional, she saw the markers.

Why don't doctors/therapists/psychologists intervene? Uhmmmmm.... Is that a serious question? HELLO!!! If the person doesn't ask for help or do something to get themselves committed for a crime, they aren't going to be seen by a professional..... I guess if you want a "1984" or "Minority Report" kind of world, then it might be possible.....
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Our Community / Re: No longer so lost...thread 2
« Last post by sachat3 on Today at 10:52:13 AM »
That’s defo a good shout for next time 😂

I honestly wish I could get inside his head. It’s our girls school picture day so they had a early bath hair wash etc. He came back to see them. They were in the bath. Next minute he’s disappeared and I find him downstairs watching TV 🙈

So I left him to it went upstairs finishers the girls bath orf etc and then said dead loud so he could hear “don’t worry I’ll do it” and at that moment he starts shouting up about “I’m coming now” he the. Was moaning at me for being on my phone and I didn’t even argue with him just said calmly

“You don’t live here anymore. Your here to see your children if your not seeing your children there isn’t much point being here”
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