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Our Community / New chapter please
« Latest by hopeandfaith on Today at 12:49:18 AM »
Just thought I'd pop in with an update because I have a little more time although I feel like this segment of the story is only half way through.

So far no response from ow after my email to her.  H was surprised by that.  He thought she might have sent something apologetic back.  I suggested that she may have gone to write that sort of email a few times and realised that for someone who is begging H to have his actions match his words, she hasn't done the same.

As at last Friday, H had very limited contact with her after my email.  He sent her something along the lines of "$h!te just got real" and to my knowledge (which I think is pretty accurate) he didn't contact her at all for her birthday.

We had a long slate cleaning type of talk on Friday morning which really seemed to lighten his load.  He hadn't told me that he'd seen her although he'd wanted to.  He thought I'd pack his bag for him.  I told him that I would have thought that I would have too.  He told me that he had been in contact with her every few weeks from about Nov last year until current.  Sometimes it would be him instigating it, sometimes it would be her.  He did describe feeling desperate to contact her at one point after she had blocked him.  That says a lot about attachment and addiction I think.

Weirdly, even though he admits that he should've made decisions long before now, it has only really hit him now and he asked for a week to really sit with the consequences of both choices.  As he's talking out loud, it's pretty clear that there is nothing she has that I should be worried about.  I know what he wants but he just needs to be really ready to say goodbye to her as an option.  I pointed out that the week he's asked for includes a boozy boys night and 2 nights in her town but he said that if he had to make a promise here and now, he couldn't do it.  I said that I didn't think he would be in a position to make me a promise for a good while yet but that it would be a good goal.  We agreed that the readiness to make the promise is not the benchmark for now.  I asked him to come back to me in a week to let me know where he's going to put his energy.

It was a really good talk.  Really good.  We started to get to the heart of the issues we've been living with.  We both started to bring the guards down.  We've been tight ever since but at the same time, I have kept the pressure off.  I honestly think that if he chose to leave, it would be solely because he doesn't trust himself not to hurt me again. 

He has been waiting for someone to choose for him all this time and he is now in a position where he absolutely has to.  It's good for him.  At the same time, I have been waiting to be chosen this whole time and I have decided to chose myself.  That doesn't mean what it might sound like it means.  It means that I now have the confidence to put pressure on him and keep pushing him through because I am sick to death of 2 children running my life with their fantasies.  They are both as bad as each other and they have both had a telling off recently.  Still think that was the right thing to do.

Seems to have been a bit of a theme last week because my neighbour threw rocks at my son as he was driving home on his motorbike - for the 3rd time.  We called the police the first time but no formal complaints.  The 2nd time we ignored him.  This time, I'd had enough because he actually hit the bike.  We charged him with breaching a restraining order (from an earlier altercation) and had his drug fuelled butt thrown in jail.  He could have answered the front door when the police came over but he chose not to resulting in a 3 hour standoff, a street full of police and star force officers, broken windows and doors and an aggressive arrest.  I have since positioned myself on the driveway whenever my son comes home in case he decides to do the same thing again but we found him as placid as a kitty cat when we all came home within minutes of each other yesterday and he was in the front yard.  He just kept his head down and kept digging instead of taking a swing at S17 (which what I half expected).  I was really pleased that he was such a drain on resources because I plan to call the cops EVERY SINGLE TIME until he gets sick of spending the night in jail or gets arrested for continually wasting police resources.

So wish me luck homies because this week the monkeys are clapping their hands and ready to invade.  H has been sensitive to what he has asked of me which helps. 

I am going to try and find some of the articles I have read over the years that I think would help him manage the next phase.  It's funny that I feel a deep resistance to 'helping' H now.  He does need the help but I am so frightened I will slip into fixer mode and not keep his toes to the fire - which is EXACTLY what needs to happen now.
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Our Community / How did I get here?
« Latest by Treasur on Today at 12:19:23 AM »
Just catching up after being away for a while. You sound good.

Quote
W is still running from something. I know it isn’t just me and our sons. We are just collateral damage.

Bravo for figuring this out so quickly. It took me a lot longer. I blamed myself for a long time and then tried to fix things.

Mother's Day was rough for me this year, too.

No advice from me - just keep up the good work.

PJ is quite right and you are doing well to see that so clearly.
You may find that, for a while, you know it in your head without quite getting it in your bones if that makes sense. Which is normal, so don't worry. You might want to have a short phrase that you can think or say out loud to remind you when you feel yourself spinning. (Mine was that my h simply did not care what I thought or felt....so it reminded me that there was no point in behaving as if he did even though I thought he should lol)

More important is unpicking the statement to accept the reality of what it means.
Your w is running from something. It will look like she is running to something. Neither are fixable by you alone. And neither are your fault or responsibility to help her with while she has excluded you and your sons from the path she is taking. You don't have to be an a$$hat but it is her path so her responsibility to figure out how to walk it. (I say that bc MLC wives do seem to have a tendency to want husbands to smooth the path or help them practically as a h does, weird as that seems. Nope, any problem on her path is her problem; you are busy with your own  :) )
And yes, you and your sons are collateral damage. Which your w doesn't care about or will justify or diminish the significance of it if she notices. So, the only people who can limit the scale of the collateral damage on your lives is you and your sons. Which is not a bad guide to action....if it hurts or damages any of you, there needs to be a bigger reason to do it than your wife's opinion or trying to stand if that is what you want to do. Hence why we talk so much here about putting yourself first. After a long marriage and as a normal family, that feels strange at first but it gets easier with time.

How are your sons taking it all?
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Our Community / Alvin's 7th: Try
« Latest by AlvinTheMaker on Today at 12:12:37 AM »
Journaling....   

It is kind of interesting and frightening to see how differently kids process this.   

Yesterday S5 asked me if mommy is still coming home today.  I said yes, she will come home for next two weeks before moving into (great) grammas flat. The spark of joy in his eyes was overwhelming....it is really heartbreaking to break a small boys heart.

Had a ultra-marathon talk with G20... She told she's having popcorn and watching the show; saying some of our twists and turns are something even reality tv cannot produce..

G20 told me that she remembers how me & W had weekly arguments when she was 17, how things had felt bit like cold war and she had thought this cannot end well (but no 17-year would come and tell it to her parents). Then she told she feels the cold war between us now feels all gone ... . Funny how I have no recollection of cold war or those fights apart of one bigger argument that I thought cleared all the issues back (as hindsight I have learned that W did another lie of omission back then and left me with false conclusion).  But this would put the events around the time W says she had lost all feelings for me. I guess it was the distancer-pursuer dance; or confronter -avoider dance.  Me subconciously feeling something was off and chasing to get my needs met; and her running away of me. Two opposite fears driving us into different directions. I don't think we ever had any  more or harder arguments than any normal couple (even Gottman has got research data that suggests that couples who end up with D do not fight any more or harder than couples who are happily married). What matters is what remains within after the situation. She left me feeling that all was okey through lies of omission and secrecy, and bottled up her own resentment. No surprise BD came with such shocking force to me, and no wonder she felt what she felt... and this is is no justification to her behaviour. Any kind of lies (to self and to others) always lead to hurt and damage. That is a lesson W will hopefully learn and value some day.

G20 told that she thinks I did the right call (part of studies is child psychology, so she likely knows way more than me on effects D has on kids).... she said the worst possible option would have been a loveless inhouse-divorce where we try to co-parent.... good thing I never went with W originally suggested.

G20 has got synesthesia. She sees numbers, letters,  weekdays, music etc. as colors.  She also sees emotions of people that way... She told me that I'm aluminium blue....and W used to be orange originally but is currently abstract splatter work like she's never seen on any person... she told she has no specific name for those colors, but I did manage to find a map from http://neurowiki2014.wikidot.com/individual:emotion-evoked-synesthesia .... she put me straight between the adoration-loneliness-insecurity-sadness quadrant;   it seems very fitting.....   Maybe the splatterwork she sees in W is the confusion. IDK.

G20 told about one of her high school teachers who had gone through D...  She said I'm behaving like her.   Diving deep into psychology, growing and healing, making sure kids (her students) learn some of the knowledge as well....  She then said  the teacher's currently in new and very happy R, and she hopes that me and W end up that way. Regardless of the person we end up.... I told her that's the goal.

We talked about future communication (smaller kids getting phones as well, creation of separate daddy/mommy groups, possibly leaving one family group as well,  etc)...  G20 told she missess contact with W... they do message with each other to some extend, but not the same way as before and not as much as with me....  I told her it is a two-way street. That I did not wait for kids to call me, but I started engaging the process all on my own.  And maybe she should try to contact W..

G20 told her friends ask more often than us two "how you're doing? is everything okey?"....  It's good to know she has got friends who look after her.... She did say this thing does not affect her in any way, but the last time we had such lengthy talk was when she broke up with her boyfriend.... But she seems to be dealing this all okey. 

Alvin.
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Our Community / My Situation
« Latest by JustMe on May 25, 2020, 11:18:23 PM »
That's true, Treasur.  I need to put on my big girl pants and tell him it's time to end the call if he's going to be rude.
I feel because we share kids and I hope that one day he'll work on rebuilding a relationship with them, that I want to have a friendship with him.  I'm glad you pointed that out though because he's not in a place for that either right now.  Yes, I will try to just be friendly with him as you suggested.

Sheesh, this is so hard to turn my heart and my brain around.  It's hard to alter my thinking after being with H for so long.  I have to stop thinking about what I want and get real with what I have right now.  Which basically leaves me with cordiality, if I'm lucky.

Hi PJ!  I'm so glad you came over!  I was reading your story the other day.  I saw you post on another thread and I was so impressed with how you encouraged that person, that I went and found your story and started reading.  Thanks for your support.
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Our Community / My Situation
« Latest by PJ Will Be OK on May 25, 2020, 11:06:51 PM »
Following along JustMe. Keep sharing your thoughts if it helps.
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Our Community / PJ's Next Adventure
« Latest by PJ Will Be OK on May 25, 2020, 10:55:00 PM »
Just a quick update so I don't fall too far behind!

Mother's Day was kind of rough this year. Even just things like shopping for a card - I couldn't find any that said "to my ex-wife." So I bought a blank one and wrote a few things. Same deal for the Mother-in-law. Just kind of awkward. Mother's Day was the day after my daughter graduated from college. XW came up to visit for a couple of hours for a combined graduation & Mother's Day visit. I grilled burgers and brats. It was OK. But I was certainly glad when she left. We haven't seen her since then. My daughter's graduation was tough. It was a big accomplishment that I wished I could have shared with pre-MLC W. Also, with my D moving out in August to go to grad school in another city, it just felt kind of bittersweet.

My S and DIL have been "temporarily" living with me for 1 1/2 years as they work on their finances. They have now been approved  for a mortgage and are likely putting an offer on a house this week. So they could be moving out soon. So, I could have the family house all to myself. I'm happy that kids are moving on with their lives and doing good things. And with the stay-home, we've all had MORE than enough time together. But it does feel like the end of an era. Kind of sad.

I'm visiting my folks in mid-June. I'm thinking about moving back home to Oklahoma to be close to them. They are in their late 70s and starting to have significant health problems. So, I feel like maybe I should spend time with them while I can. And for myself, I could really use a change of scenery.

Since my last post I've been on dates with a few wonderful ladies. But I'm doing better now about moving more slowly and not jumping in with both feet. And with my possible upcoming move across country, it doesn't make sense to enter a serious relationship. But I've made the happy discovery that a lot of really wonderful women like me and want to be with me.

A song on Jason Isbell's new album has this line: "It gets easier but it never gets easy." The song is about addiction recovery, but I'm finding that it applies to divorce recovery and living as an LBS. The damage is stunning. But the hard days aren't quite as hard, and the good days are better. I'm closing in on a year since the divorce and 4 years since BD.

To life!
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Our Community / How did I get here?
« Latest by JustMe on May 25, 2020, 10:43:57 PM »
Hi, I'm new here.  I started reading your thread and see a lot of similarities to my situation.
She told my mother that she loves my family and is sorry that she made them sad but our relationship has been bad for a very long time.  This was news to me as she never told me this.
This.  My husband didn't talk to me either.  Apparently, they can talk to other people but not us?

Still don’t understand what she’s going through.  Still no PA, still no mention of D, or any explanation/ discussion of what is going on.  We keep things light and don’t ask any questions.  I know her friends have told her she needs to talk to us.  They all think she is fine and don’t believe she is in MLC or depressed.  Of course the three wise men here at the house know something is not right with her.
This is all familiar to me too.  I actually asked my husband if he was looking for a divorce (I wish I hadn't but it just popped out of my mouth) and he shouted, "NO!" like that was a crazy question after he told me he got a job and was moving 2000 miles away in 36 hours.  I also see no signs of an affair with my H.  I find it strange that none of his friends are asking questions.  My H's excuse to give everybody for why he ran away is that his father is in poor health and he needed to go take care of him.  I guess they all think it's great because nobody is saying anything about it.    I don't know how anybody can look at him and  not see it.  He looks TERRIBLE. 
Can you see a change in your W's physical appearance?
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Our Community / Aliens stole my W!!!!! Part 8: Miles Away From Ordinary
« Latest by JustMe on May 25, 2020, 10:27:17 PM »
Hi SS!  I decided to check out your thread.  I need to go back to the beginning and see where you started.  It sounds like things are going pretty well for you right now, all things considered.
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Our Community / My Situation
« Latest by Treasur on May 25, 2020, 10:26:40 PM »
Quote
I just listened to what he said, said some MmmHmm's and hoped he'd end the call.

Unless you have horrible friends lol, I'd imagine that you are not friends with folks who speak to you like this  ::) sounds obvious, I know - but when we have been emotionally abused it isn't always so obvious - but wanted to remind you that you can also say that if he is going to talk to you in that tone, you will end the call. Then put the phone down. Imho listening in a detached way to someone chunnering on in a confused or sadz way is one thing. Listening to someone who is being mean or contemptuous is another. And actions - like ending the convo - speak louder than words. You can be friendly without being friends perhaps but imho not with someone who is aggressive or insulting towards you....that is more like feeding a bully bc one is afraid of them. Jmo..

Sounds as if other bits of life are getting better and you are doing really well.
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Our Community / My Situation
« Latest by JustMe on May 25, 2020, 10:24:34 PM »
Thanks SS.  Your feedback means so much more than you know!

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