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Our Community / Re: Picking up the Gauntlet...Accepting the Challenge
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 11:02:09 PM »
I’m sorry although I know your own instinct was flagging this as a possibility. My advice FWIW? Take back some control where you can. Refuse to discuss your feelings or what you will do in future and if he presses you simply say you will take the time you need to decide what is best for you just as he is doing. All about him, I see, and he obviously thinks you get no vote on being a plan B,

Tbh, i’d Be tempted to tell him to leave the house now he has told you. Easier for you and not your problem where he stays for the next few weeks. Refuse to talk to him about anything unless it is urgent. Give him a date you choose to return to pick up any personal possessions he is planning to take to Missouri. Tell him you will contact him at some point after he’s gone when you’ve had time to think about the practicalities. You can’t control his actions but you can slam the door to give yourself the head and heart space you need now, and it will be easier for you to think about your own priorities without his involvement or mindf**kery now.

Biggest hug from here, Sam x
Our Community / Re: The Saga & drama continues....
« Last post by mitten on Today at 10:57:54 PM »
He didn't give us a chance to fix it.  He just ran away.

You know Mittens what he told his uncle was probably the absolute truth as he saw it at the time. Does that make it 'true'....nope, not at all. In fact years later, if he ever does any reflecting, he will most likely say 'none of that was true'.

Well after sleeping on it Mae this morning I know its all BS.  This morning I feel mad instead of sad (moods all over the place).  He wasn’t waiting for the right time to leave the relationship...just waited to secure OW so he could jump from one bed to another and not be alone.......oh and im sure OW gave him a little push to make the decision.   >:(.   I don’t believe he thought for years about leaving.......just the time he was in crisis/depresssion (I now believe since 2015).  So yes I think you are right that they believe this at the time of BD and have had a long time to come up with their rationale and justifications. 

Part of me however does feel that what he is feeling is valid and he feels that I hurt him.  I must still love him because I wish I could stop his hurting.  I wish I could go back in time and change things (although I now accept he would have had MLC regardless).  I can take responsibility for my part in making him feel the way he does and do the mirror work I need to do.  But I do know what ever I did in the marriage...the crime does not fit the punishment!!! 

He truely did love me and was a good the start.  I know he has incredible low self esteem and really does believe I never loved me.  He had insecurities about me leaving him (said at BD “are you shocked im leaving you?”   :o .  I think he shut his feelings for me off to protect himself and experienced alexithymia as a result of his depression.  His anger towards me is evidence that the feelings are still there- just buried deep.  He’s not at the point of indifference as everything he does...rub OW in my face, use the kids as a tool to hurt me EVERYTHIG is to get a reaction out of me. 

I think the feelings are so intense & painful that he may always run and avoid...and may always use his skewed way of thinking to keep on blaming me and hating me.....far easier to hate me then to start thinking maybe im not what he thinks or tells everyone I am.....the old feeling might creep in then.  I can see OW isn’t seeing real H...hes changing and becoming more and more like her to fit in...maybe because the mask is slipping?


That, to me, was the most hurtful thing about this, we had no chance to repair anything.  We were in utter shock.  We had no voice, no vote, no second chance.

They made up their mind, all on their own, and we had nothing else to do but go along with their craziness....hoping they would see reality before it was too late, but they just don't.

Thunder you sum it up so well....and he actually wrote in his email to his uncle that it was a decision only he could make   ???   Really? you dont think its something to discuss with you life partner or even your family.......a life changing decision that will impact our children’s life forever should be made on your own (or with the help of OW).....and made with a very skewered and foggy brain!  I think his email shows how immature his thinking really is at the moment and how hes just not emotionally intelligent at all.  Like you say he made up his mind all on his own and the drive to run was so high that he knew he couldn’t speak to me or his family who would try and steer him away from this destructive path...just like an addict who wants his fix wouldn’t ask for guidance as they know what they will get is not what they want to hear.

Sorry for the monster ....I too am having one of those moments with H. All i can say is keep snapping.
I dont like the mind space they occupy...really takes that focus away.

Following along....hugs

Thanks Mrs are right too much energy and brain space on them!

Just want to get this journal & court stuff done ( although could go on for years) and then try and get focus back on me.
Our Community / Re: BD letter. What is happening
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 10:36:09 PM »
Oh ok, ME,

It does sound like she is going through some kind of crisis.

All you can do at this point is just be light and friendly with no pressure and let her figure this out for herself.
It may take her a long time so in the mean time, live your life to the fullest.

Do things that make you happy.  Have NO relationships with her.  Never bring up divorce.
Leave her to her crisis and hopefully she comes out of this.

Detach from her as much a possible and put your focus on just you.  You can not help her.
Our Community / Re: The Sun II
« Last post by Treasur on Today at 10:34:24 PM »

Dear Mae
So much honest brave wisdom in your recent posts. I do think it’s an internal shift and I agree that grieving is part of the process. Somehow a bit of us gets to a point where we want to move forward more than stay where we are. As Oz says, focus on what and how rather than why. Maybe it is just a deeper level of acceptance? And it has its own rituals like purging or ‘photogate’!

For me a lot of this shift wasn’t conscious and it was gradual. It was as if my h faded in my head like an old photo. With hindsight when I moved here 18 months post BD, I still half-saw my h in this space and place. With the new house, i don’t. I no longer feel any wish to contact xh. I feel my h is dead and xh iOS a stranger, and like a stranger, i don’t care what happens to him although I don’t wish him ill. I still feel sad occasionally for the h I knew but he is now someone else’s h and frankly not a decent human being by my standards. I stood for my h but once I stopped believing my h still existed, it made no sense to keep doing so and xh just isn’t a person i’d Choose to spend time with. So when I thought of myself as a widow - and much easier as we have no kids / my feelings and actions made sense. Just like a widow I still mention his name in stories from my past but my life is different now and he is gone.

And the ring? Strangely it was a comfort to me for about 6 months and then it stopped being so. I still have it, no idea what I will do with it, but it doesn’t mean the same as it did. Presumably to him too as he did want it but did not respond to my recent offer to return it, presumably because he now has a new ring along with his new wife! My last bit of purging and returning are aphotos, but only of him and what was his life. As I clear out, I drop some in a box I’ll send soon but there are no photos of me or is. I suppose I think it was 20 years of his own life and people like his grandmother, as xh was a sentimental hoarder, some day they might matter rather than just bin them. But he chose to erase me and us so he doesn’t get those. If he doesn’t want them, he can bin them of course.

Again with hindsight I think part of my struggle was my need to believe h still existed so I didn’t have to erase 20 years of my own life and memories too. It wasn’t about him but me. Now I can separate the two - just like he died - and that was a big internal shift too.

From the cheap seats it does seem as if your h is gone and lost in his own wherever now, and the job stuff and his behaviour with the kids is evidence of that. You, on the other hand, Mar, seem to be finding your self and life again and that’s a good place to be.
Our Community / Re: Wife's MLC 11
« Last post by GonerinGhana on Today at 09:55:48 PM »
Baby steps, but positive!

Only time will tell if she can sustain it or not, but it goes to show you she doesn't have to stay stuck forever if she doesn't want to be stuck forever and they are capable of returning to some normalcy. Their old selves are not lost, just buried.

I think you are prepared for whatever comes next as your BS meter seems to be very well attuned now.

I'm rooting for all of you to get through this.
Our Community / Re: BD letter. What is happening
« Last post by Mixed emotions on Today at 09:50:06 PM »
Thanks for the replies. I would like to  provide more detail as to my experience/situation. Regarding the BD letter.  The ".... " house was just me omitting W friend's name.

We text a few times a day/week. Very rarely do we actually talk. W will visit maybe once a month. Our work schedule is currently opposite one another. However, I do not believe the visits would be more frequent if work schedule was not an issue. When W visit, we actually have fun for that brief evening then back to being distant. Wife stated she is overwhelmed with anxiety when with me which I do not understand because we really have a good time when we  "hang out".

There was a brief period early on just after BD where things were contentious. Currently we do not argue etc. Partly do to me carefully navigating the situation.

In my profession, I'm routinely problem solving for others and de-escalating situations. At times, I become frustrated because I can't not resolve my own family issues ugh!!!.

W very rarely text and say, have a good SAFE day at work. This is something she would often say to me.

Our Community / Re: My new Normal
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 09:46:19 PM »

I would leave it up to the professionals to decide what further tests he may need.
They are experience with this.  We are not.

You can ask about further testing but I'm sure they know more than we do.
Trust the experienced doctors who deal with this every day and are medically trained in problems like this.

Just try to stay calm until he gets some results.
Our Community / Re: The Sun II
« Last post by Mae on Today at 09:44:04 PM »
We need to refuse to be a storage place for them. You want to move out, fine, but take your stuff with you.
Take it or it's gone...or sold.

Totally agree with you there sista.

Still ~ ah yes the pole barn saga or as Treasur would probably describe it - Polegate and you also have gungate.
Our Community / Re: The Sun II
« Last post by Thunder on Today at 09:25:08 PM »
Good for you bad@ss Mae, I always say if they haven't needed it in a year or so...purge!

We need to refuse to be a storage place for them. You want to move out, fine, but take your stuff with you.
Take it or it's gone...or sold.

Yep you either come and get that pole barn or I will sell the rifles (you left here too, btw) to pay to have it all hauled away. 
Simple as that.   :)

Although I don't know that pole barn sounds kind of fun.   :)
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