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1
Our Community / *I want to be the girl with the most cake
« Latest by Acorn on Today at 09:09:29 AM »
Quote
They say a lot of times MLC begins when people start to think about the end of their life, and that replay is in part fueled by vain attempts at denying the inevitable. I don’t know if I’ve ever bought fully into that.

Another person who dd not fully buy into that explanation.  Too simple and neat?  Well, it could be true for some people and maybe it is one of the many kinds of MLC? 

I think struggling with one’s own mortality could be one of the many starting points for deeper questions about the purpose of his life and what his real identity is. 
2
Our Community / Life goes on.
« Latest by Curiosity on Today at 09:08:00 AM »
Terra, I am sorry for all of the continued turmoil, in the world at large and in your part of it specifically. We have all been living in varying degrees of unease - mere discomfort for those whose daily life is not drastically dissimilar to what it used to be (albeit more isolated and masked); severe trauma for those whose physical, emotional, and financial security are compromised by this pandemic; and those who are somewhere in the middle. Underneath the pandemic with all its trauma is the fundamental trauma that results from the MLCer’s words, actions, inactions... all of it. And then on top of all of that, there is this violent polarization that has always been a part of our national identity, but which has been stoked to the level of an inferno. We have to care for ourselves as best we can, to soothe and heal ourselves - it doesn’t fix all that is wrong in the world or even our own little piece of the world. But it lets us get through one more day, and maybe if enough of us try to heal or soothe ourselves, that will spread out into the world. And if self-care takes the form of a bit of cake now and then, that is absolutely fine.

I have thought of you periodically during this time, with the holidays and the general tumult of our world. Please feel free to reach out if you need an ear. I am hoping that you are able to find a path that allows you and your D the comfort of each other’s presence.
3
Our Community / Baby steps turned into marathon running
« Latest by Acorn on Today at 08:53:29 AM »
1P!!!!!
Welcome back!  So good to have you rejoin us.  You are one of my HS ‘alumni.’
Thank you for the update.  You seem to be on firm ground and why am I not surprised!  Providing a contrasting scene is MLCer, still wandering around in boggy marshlands... 

All the best. 
(((((HUGS)))))
4
Our Community / Love Comes Walking In
« Latest by beyondblessed on Today at 08:44:59 AM »
Thank you. PJ!  One thing is for sure, life with the firetruckwit was never this good.  It was always misery, drama and negativity.  It didn't take long to realize how much more peaceful and happy life was without him, and it's only gotten better with each passing day.   Wonder if he can say the same 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
5
Our Community / Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 4
« Latest by MourningDove on Today at 08:21:38 AM »
forthetrees - it is a positive move and I did feel a sense of relief letting that last bit go. I guess it was odd, since I didn't know that the book was still here. I knew it existed at one point, but I was sure he had taken that with his precious MGA, as that was about the only thing that mattered to him at that time. Who knows what matters to him now. It didn't make my life any richer, that I do know.

UrsaMajor - do you have their number? I really could have used them last night.  ::)

I left the house around 5, planning on coming back to do some more work, but after dinner, the pain intensified and I suddenly felt the fatigue hit me. I was fast asleep by 7 pm.

I am not sure what brought the dreams on, but the "ghost" that haunted me last night made for a very restless night. It was a very vivid dream that ran through my head and the star was OW. No interaction with me in the dream, just her, living her seemingly perfect life. Her hair and make up flawless. Her facade of kindness and talking about her belief that she and Xh were soul mates who were separated from a former life.

In the dream she was showing off her newly renovated kitchen, talking about how she had just finished her yoga routine out on the dock of her lake house.

Way to vivid and too real. And, this morning it played on those emotions that I haven't felt in a long time in regards to OW.

In reality, I know OW is far from that scenario that ran through the dreams. She plays a good part, but I know the ugly side as well, with all of her games and manipulation.

Problem is, I realized that I am feeling so worn down and the delays in the demolition, while necessary, are wearing on me. I feel like I am in a weird limbo again and being there is such a horrible place for me to be. And, there are things at play that are just tripping me up, so of course this OW dream makes sense, especially since I am coming up on the time frame when I confronted Xh about OW and we briefly reconciled - or so I thought. Ha.

I keep reminding myself how easy it would have been to ruin OW and her "perfect" life. It would not have changed this dream creeping into my head. It wouldn't have made it all better.

What is really upsetting me is that why now? OW doesn't upset me all that much in RL. My M will ask me if Xh is still with OW and I tell her that I have no idea, nor do I care. And I don't. I made my peace with it.

This time of year has been replaced by better memories in recent years. I have reasons to no longer care about what did happen. It is history. Painful at the time and so much damage done, but it is not what tears at my heart now.

I really think that not feeling well is playing a part. Part pandemic messing life up all the way around. Part having so many questions and no answers at all. The delays in the demolition are holding up the possible construction.

The dog was restless last night, that didn't help at all.

I am upset that OW filtered into my head. It is playing on my self confidence today. I am going to have to counter this somehow. I do know what factors are making this feeling bubble up and I have to somehow come to grips with it all. Feelings that I am going to have to somehow figure out a way to resolve.

So my plan today, even though it is a day where I will be home just trying to get something positive done, like maybe dealing with bills and taxes - yuck - I am going to put on a pair of heels, curl my hair and maybe even paint my nails - IDK. I need to change my attitude. In reality, I would like to crawl in bed and just sleep all day at this point, but my fear is OW will reappear and I need to battle that by pulling my mood out of the dumpster. She likes to feed on my insecurities and I can't have her showing up, even in my dreams. She doesn't deserve my energy.
6
Our Community / Rebuilding after Hurricane MLC
« Latest by Acorn on Today at 08:17:25 AM »
Dear Nas, Cootge and FW, thank you for following along!

.........

The pandemic and the resulting public health measures across the globe (stay home!) have given H and me a gift — lots of time and opportunities for conversations about everything under the sun.  That includes some descriptions of his mental state during his sojourn in the land of MLC; in particular, Replay.

While watching what was unfolding at the Capitol, I got another glimpse into his mind during his most toxic period.  He said, ‘the most harmful conspiracy theory is the one you make up about yourself and the people who care about you.  You perceive enemies where there is none.  That’s really messed up.’

.........

What did it take for us to reconcile?  I am asked that question more often than any other...  I have touched on the subject a few times.  I can augment that by incorporating what I have learned through our countless conversations during the covid months.  The following is a brief summary of it.  I think it is important to note that our views on reconciliation undoubtedly reflect what we believe in regards to our relationship to God.

Our reconciliation was made possible by:

1. taking full accountability for one’s wrong doings — no excuse, no blaming, no minimizing
2. getting to a place of deep and sincere sorrow for those deeds.  AKA ‘remorse
3. and then the final step of repentance, which is proven by a thorough change in attitude and consistent, heartfelt, eager actions. 

I think the last step, repentance, was the most arduous and the longest, and the ultimate test for H and our marriage.  And me... 

I can see how he could have easily stopped after the first step of taking full responsibility —‘Yep, I’m responsible for all I have done’— and gone merrily on his way to find his ‘happiness.’   

Or, he could have stopped at ‘I feel deep remorse for all I have done.’  Remorse is a feeling. An attitude.  An awakening to the harms he has inflicted on others.  It does not necessarily involve any action, maybe except a bucketful of tears and a box of Kleenex.

Alas, that was only the first 2 tentative baby steps toward the next stage, repentance.  In the context of my sample of one, repentance is DOING and LIVING remorse.  I observe that it requires genuine humility and an extraordinary amount of emotional energy.  The journey from remorse to repentance is a thousand miles.  I see how that can present an unbreachable distance for many, including myself, if our roles were reversed.

It was difficult for me at the beginning to take the responsibility of recognizing and showing my appreciation for his hard work without a sense of entitlement and arrogance.  It was finger-snap easy for me to get on my high horse with the attitude of ‘he really messed up and he’s better show how sorry he is. He owes me, d***it.)  Not often but that attitude pops up occasionally even now!  Hence, my daily need to approach God in prayer and ask for humility and a thankful heart.

H, likewise, lean on God to sustain him and keep him safe from all evil, understanding fully that ‘God helps those who help themselves.’  One simply can’t pray away his responsibility.  H shared that he has no desire to be Jonah ever again.  That he tried to hide from God and that put him in the belly of the beast of his own creation that steered him to evil. 

Oh, by the way, he had absolutely NO intention of leaving me.  I knew that before but nice to hear it simply and directly stated.  He knew deep down that something was really wrong with him and that it wasn’t about me or our marriage. He said, ‘Where would I have gone? What use would that have been? I would have taken myself along!’

As always, this is a sample of one; my personal story. 

Wishing you a wonderful week!

7
Our Community / My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Latest by Treasur on Today at 07:54:10 AM »
Actually, Limbo, I suspect you are not nearly as confused as you might feel.
You seem remarkably clear-eyed about the current limitations of your h, your daughter as a priority and some of the things you believe would help you heal. And your therapist seems to be keeping good boundaries with your h's self-centredness and you seem to be keeping some good boundaries of your own about not playing fake 'happy family'. And all of that, every inch of it, is a tremendous achievement given what happened to you.

You sound as if - put simply - you want to build something for your life on solid ground. And you are not sure what or where or who. Life has thrown you into limbo in quite a lot of ways, hasn't it? Things that are not even to do with your h. And, truthfully, I think these virus days leave all of us feeling that the ground under our feet....or perhaps more accurately, just around the next corner...is not firm ground at all.

I have no magic answers for any of your 'what if, could I even' questions.....only the hopefully reassuring note that most of us have wrestled with those questions. And that in a funny way, asking yourself those questions is part of the healing.....and you will know when you fall over the best answers for you.

I wonder if it is less that you are confused and more that you have not yet chosen what you want to build next? And what you are prepared to let go of in order to create it? Or if you feel ready to choose or act on your choices even? (All normal lol) imho saying 'I don't know' is not the same as being confused....it just means you don't know yet...
(And that can change the kind of questions you ask yourself too or things you discuss in your solo IC sessions  :) ) .......but it can feel like a pretty scary place to be, that's true. So, please have a free hug from over here xxxx
8
Our Community / Re: Every Storm Runs Out of Rain - 4
« Latest by UrsaMajor on Today at 07:28:34 AM »
Congrats on being a ghost buster. It is a huge respite to be able to look around your space and not have ex reminders.
Who ya gonna call?
9
Our Community / My daughter and I will get there!!!!
« Latest by Limboland2018 on Today at 06:55:03 AM »
Hi

Nerissa - I will have to read your posts.

Treasur - You really are a wise woman who asks pertinent questions.   Please feel free to comment on anything as I do not take offense or am overly sensitive.

I think you are probably seeing a reflection of my mind at the moment - confused and scared. I haven’t seen my family in a year and in all likelihood I won’t see them until Christmas. I feel discombobulated. This does not have much to do with the therapy but is probably indicative that I feel lost without firm ground underneath me. I don’t live in a city I love, do not have a job and not being able to fly back to see my friends and family is hard.  I place immense value on my relationships and I don’t have those strong bonds  where I live although I do have friends.

I  think there is residual love for him that has led me down the path of joint therapy. I think part of me hopes there is some miracle love connection. Then I think of the reality of being with him and I can’t imagine it. The thought of trusting him again? The thought of him doing this again to my daughter and I? It’s too much. I used to love telling my ex to go and enjoy himself with his friends but now I could never do that unless I was not emotionally connected. Is it weird that I do want a divorce but part of me keeps thinking .... maybe the relationship could be repaired?? Fantasy versus reality? Are we able to forgive? Will he give me what I need to forgive him? Perhaps that is what I am doing with therapy. Wanting him to prove his love to me. Wanting him to give me what I need to see that he has changed. But I don’t think he is capable because he can never be humble. But am I (stupidly) giving him a chance?

In regards to therapy we do have single and joint sessions with the same therapist.

I am just trying to make sense of what happened so when the opportunity presented itself I was willing. Often we never have the opportunity to hear from a partner as to why our relationship failed so I feel fortunate that I might learn what made him do what he did. How he could run away. I would have given anything to listen into his sessions before to understand his mind and now I am getting that opportunity.

I’ve always felt if I can understand why someone did something it helps me to better release them from my life or let go of the pain.

I want my ex to hear what I had to go through. I want him to hear how I suffered through the abandonment. Yes - I want him to hear my anger. His opinion and that of an outsider is important to me as I want validation that what he did was wrong although he has already said that he is ashamed of many things he’s done. Will it change anything - no. But will it give me a sense of peace. Yes, I think so and to a degree it has already.

In regards to his parental relationship - it’s not my issue and it’s up to him. I have always encouraged my daughter to love her dad as there are times when I felt like telling her he is a piece of $h!te but I haven’t. My ex is a very bad father but when I first saw a psychologist she told me it’s not my responsibility and that’s always stuck with me. However If he is trying to improve his relationship with his daughter, I am not going to hinder it. I think he wants to blame me at times for his lack of relationship but the therapist just shoots him down when he comes out with a victim statement and tells him to own his bad behaviors. The therapist is not allowing him to be a victim in this and that makes me feel great. 

 Having therapy to coparent is important to me as my ex and I don’t communicate. He never has enquired about her schooling so I don’t provide information- I just send him the bills. Everything has fallen on me. I would like him to take on the responsibility and step up.  I feel overwhelmed as a single mum.

My ex is only doing this because it suits his agenda. I know that. He is only thinking of himself. He misses his daughter a lot, as he hasn’t seen her in a year,  but it’s always about him. He’s not thinking “my daughter must be missing me and needs her dad”. He told me HE misses her so much the distance is excruciating. I don’t know if he has the capability to understand how much his little girl misses him. I think he thought he would come to this city and we would be a happy family going on holidays and that’s not the way it is. I can’t act fake and I won’t deny my needs either.

I think he does think of me as his emotional support and that I will always be there for him. His mum never left his dad after his affair so he has a role model in his parents relationship. But I’m not his mum.

So - you are spot on Treasur. I’m confused.


10
Our Community / Re: Life goes on.
« Latest by terra on Today at 06:39:52 AM »
Curiosity and Ready, thank you. I guess it’s been a little while since I last posted.

Still unemployed; still in debt, still broke. I have under $100 to my name at all times, but, somehow I always have at least enough to feed my D and myself, and the pets. Not poverty foods either; fresh produce and meats and the occasional pleasures from good restaurants, or, a few times a week, the teas that D likes. So it is a revolving not quite $100. I bought a bakery cake the other day. It’s not like not buying cake was going to make the finances here notably different. The cake is in the fridge and it’s sweet and each bit of it reminds me of years ago when life was less concerning.

I’ve been reading racist tracts on the recommendation of a friend for whom “know thy enemy” is vital. That was the reason for the cake, because the reading has been so ugly and I needed visible physical sweetness to offset it. Last night the report from the departing political administration made me horrified at the continued wrongs in this country — my country — and then, once more, relieved that at least I have cake.

This has not been a much more stable year, so far. H closed out the previous one by texting acknowledgment that papers have been served here. I haven’t received any. He hasn’t communicated since.

I was watching the election certification proceedings the morning that the Capitol was breached, and I couldn’t speak until days afterward. I reached out that day to people where we live, but answers were flippant or terse, no comfort. I was and am traumatized from it. D is the only person who actively discusses it with me. I’m grateful that she is aware and opinionated and responsive and willing.

The dog has some sort of malabsorption problem that doesn’t change his temperament or make him unpleasant to be around; whatever it is, it just makes him skinny. He was trim to begin with, so very ribsy now, and that’s hard to look at. I took him to the vet for exam and tests and listened to impeachment proceedings out in the empty parking lot while I waited. I carry a small ball of good yarn with me when I know I will be waiting somewhere, and just plait in patterns and knots according to whatever is in the air. The vets don’t know what has caused the malabsorption; tests ruled out certain expected causes and so the next step is a GI panel.

It will have to wait, and they assured me it’s ok and waiting won’t hurt him. They didn’t say it that way outright; it was how I asked. If I have to wait to do this next step, will that hurt him. They said it wouldn’t and so I will trust that and ...wait.

Tired of waiting. After all the waiting, too tired to surge up and do anything else, too.

The pandemic is tiresome. Sibling let me know our parents both have had their first shots, as they are in the senior age group and also because of the nature of their volunteer work. I said something polite superficially but was instantly aggrieved, angry. I am the last in queue for these vaccinations. The only one in the FOO who will not receive the vaccine anytime soon.

Since January 6, I feel angrier than I have ever felt in my life. It is continuous, like a slow and steady volcanic flow. I’m not communicative when it’s like this. It’s stultifying.

We had summer weather here recently and a beautiful day out. But D and I both now don’t like sharing even outside spaces with very many people, even if everyone is masked. I’m not sure what I think of that, for us. We miss our people and community and at the same time, will drive up winding forested roads to the peak, to stay away from them. The view is lovely up there and the other day, we could see clearly for miles. More visibility than any other time we’ve been up there.

That morning, I had received messages from the landlords, who I am not paying anymore. I always avoid the landlords, but especially now that I’ve been unable to pay them. We correspond through formal documents and are doing things the COVID way. I know nobody means anyone any harm.

When I did telephone them that night, after such a beautiful intentional day, they let me know that they will be ceasing to rent the entire premises by early summer this year. All tenants on the premises will be receiving a notification letter “sometime”. It isn’t just us or just me; the landlords are changing something in their own existence and maybe they are selling, or foreclosing, or repurposing, or who knows.

But now I am grieving all the loss that is coming. I don’t know how to say it to D, so I haven’t, and I think probably I just won’t. Not for a while yet. Wait until the landlords send the letter. There’s no reason to burden D or confuse or stress anyone else (her dad, who will flip out) with it otherwise, or in the meantime.

It does feel like mean time. And I’m surprised, because I thought this year and the transfer of power would mean some level of healing, stationing calm, and reasons for joy. Instead it feels like an actual mountain of stress landed here this past weekend. Tomorrow is the inauguration and — lol — I broke out in hives last night, which, it feels like I have been bitten all over by hundreds of hateful invisibilities, which, I guess this is my body’s version of death by a thousand cuts, only, just kidding. Or maybe not — just wait and see.

Tired of waiting. Tired of seeing, too.

The stress response is probably sugar-endorsed. I still figure it’s been better for me to have the cake and eat it, during this transition. I mean if h has done it all these past four years, I think it is just fine for me to celebrate the END of at least one aspect of them. Even if it doesn’t nourish me and in fact maybe makes my body/nerves upset.

I figure I will probably hear next from h on a particular calendar date, this month, and again on same date next month, and so on. Or not at all. With the tumult of moving somewhere ahead, and no real option or choice, it’s ok if there’s no word from him. I am probably looking at moving across the country to harbor with my brother and the family he has made there. D will not want to move. I don’t want to be away from her. It’s not a good situation and even if I find a way to stay in our current area, there is just loss and change and grief ahead. Please pray for a way to be made, for me. I am trying so hard to just remain stationed and stable here, and I can’t see any path or even potential at this time.

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