Well, goodness me....all sounds very familiar doesn't it?Yes, she did treat her brother as an LBS target. Mind you, he was his own mid life bozo, but the things she would get angry at him for were ridiculous. She'd behave like his mother, then get angry when he didn't do things without her telling him to do it. Example: She'd pay all his bills except one and then get angry when he didn't pay the one bill. If he's never responsible for his own bills, where is he supposed to learn that he's supposed to pay that one random bill? That doesn't even make sense. I had pointed it out to her in the past and her response was "He should at least be able to pay one bill!" Well, maybe if he knew he was supposed to pay it, OK. She was not this person when we first met.
So, no spouse/m to blame? Did she treat her brother as the LBS target instead or someone/something else? Was the Kpop band like an FA or were there other RL 'affairs'?
Sounds as if perfection was a mixture of making the world safe and low self-esteem?
Hope it helped her that you could listen. How did it make you feel to do so, OR?
Wow, that was a very insightful conversation OR.. I'm following Shock sis thread, I read Stayed's H letter and some other former MLCer threads and they all seem to say very similar things, right? What's interesting about your friend's story, is that she didn't have a marriage to destroy but I'm sure she still inflicted some pain on other people around her because of how she was feeling.. It does "prove" in some way that MLC is not related to the marriage, which we get told here many times but sometimes seeing evidence of it helps, doesn't it?After listening to her talk, I thought it was very important to share. No spouse, so it can't be the spouse. But she projected her thoughts and feelings on to many others. Often she would complain that X person did something, when that thing was what SHE was doing. I would gently point out that she was complaining about something she was doing, and she was genuinely confused. When I specified, she could see that she had done so, but couldn't see it as she was doing it. In this example, complaining that another friend didn't listen to her all while not listening to me. Totally absorbed in herself and her own needs without any regard for anyone else's needs. She'd slide in and out of this mode.
Thanks for sharing this with us..
Well nothing but an ILY from me, OR...I shall be singing that song on my allotment tomorrow. Thank you for the chuckle :)Awe, Treasur, thank you. If only I had your gift for saying the right thing. I'm glad you enjoyed it, humor is what gets me through. I'm looking forward to my own garden next year. We can compare vegetables and the climates they like. ;D
You are hilarious!!! I’m so glad you survived and hope to see you thrive!Thank you, Finding Joy. Thriving, I hope, comes when I quit being hit with one thing after another. I thought I had gotten there last October when I started to fix up my house, but was derailed when my mother fell ill. I have no doubt I will get there. I hope we all do.
As I read your post, I couldn't help but think of "I Will Survive" by Gloria Gaynor. :DBut of course! ;D
Thanks for sharing your friend's story, OffRoad. Her MLC seems a bit like mine. No marriage was wrecked, no OM.Strangely enough, Anjae, you appear to have done the opposite of my friend, and maybe some of the opposite of your normal demeanor? Because that is what my friend did. She liked to dance and stopped. She didn't drink, but then started--not a lot, but more than she ever did before. She used to set boundaries just fine, then didn't. She had her moral code, then pushed past what her own boundaries in that would be. She used to make non toxic friends at the drop of a hat, but then started choosing people who had questionable moral codes (drinking and driving, including with a child in the car; cheating on their spouses and asking her to lie for them-she didn't, but still; leaving their 5 year old alone while they ran to the store) . In her case, she thought she was having fun going out with Toxic friends, until she realized they went out with her, but treated her badly. When a married man would ask her out, instead of telling him "Hit the road, you are married." she would tell me "I'd never go out with him, of course, but he says he can't afford a divorce." Or "His wife is just terrible to him." or some other inane thing, words she would NEVER say before all this happened. I shut those down immediately with "If he's unhappy, he can get the heck out and then go find someone, not the other way around. It's never acceptable." It's almost like she had lost control of any common sense she used to possess. I don't know if I helped, hindered, or was just there, but I'd like to think I was a tough love voice of reason for her.
The big difference I notice is that I knew how to say no, was not interested in perfection and didn't allow anyone into my life. I was more into having fun, going out dancing, etc. than anything else.
There was also what for me was drinking more than I should since I barely drink, if at all.
I knew why it come, it come with BD. Can't even call it a dark period since most of it was great fun. The dark part was when Liminality hit.
During my MLC, or bumpy MLT, I had a boldness I lost afterwards and that I quite liked and miss. However it does not seem possible to bring it back since it seems to depend of the MLC high.
A MLC without marital destructions, cheating, leaving to live with the alienator, etc. is very different than the MLC most of our spouses are having. And much easy to deal with afterwards.
Well, I see I'm a bit too late to offer an opinion on the sale of the house!I appreciate your thought, SB. Yes, Surfboards are still here. They aren't in my way, it was the point of the matter. I'm not XH's storage facility. And to answer your questions from the last thread, still working on the estate. Got the house cleared out, stocks sold, car taken car of, closed everything I could think of, put the house on the market and was very surprised at how many offers we have gotten in such a short amount of time (it's priced really low for the area due to the run down nature of the interior of the house). But then it occured to me, how do I get my mothers taxes done? So I called a tax guy and will talk to him on Monday. I need to know how to get all her paperwork forwarded to me. The stuff from the military won't forward, and I don't know if Social security will or not. At least I have learned what NOT to do for my kids. And my mother was fairly organized with the paperwork.
Sounds like you have arrived at a decision that sits well with you.
I was wondering....do you still have the surfboards!??! ;D
I found a road to drive to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, so that's a weekend road trip.
4 more boxes of Goodwill quality belongings gone, one son sent back to AZ, three sections of carpet pulls re-glued back into place, one Roomba programmed to vacuum, and one roast ready to eat (these 9:30 dinners are a killer). It's a pleasant life.
Damn, I wish I could express myself like you.
I forgot to mention, for those in the know. The surfboards were in the way of the new garage doors. Guess what's going up for sale?
I am once again reminded that he is still a screwed up human being. What must it be like to be unable to function in a normal fashion just getting a prescription and not even be able to thank someone for help? As I have said before, I would never have even looked at whatever he currently is. It makes me so sad now.
Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn." (If you know where that quote comes from, you are my kind of person)
My take aways from all that is that:
You cannot be expected to understand people who won't tell you that they are different if they choose to hide it.
Not everyone who sounds like they are lying actually know they are not telling the truth.
If someone tells themselves something often enough, they can think it is truth.
Someone else's "truth" is not necessarily MY "truth" and is often no more than a different perspective.
If someone is determined that theirs is the ONLY truth and nothing is going to change their mind, ain't nothing I can do to change that.
For those that might have similar problems as my D, might their personality change based on whom they are with and the stories they hear, especially if they do not know or acknowledge that they take on others experiences as their own? Was my XH only what he appeared to be because of my OWN stories that he absorbed as being his? It would explain so much......
The most damaging form of behavior is withholding your attention.
I hope everyone has wonderful adventures! Someone recommend a National Park for my next trip.