Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Trustandlove on August 23, 2010, 04:39:00 AM
-
Hi, all,
As Voyager started a thread regarding Vanishers, I thought I'd see what others think about "Off-and-On"-ers.
This seems to be a much less common type of mlc-er, and it seems to be what my H is. Disconnected from us emotionally, coming to see us if we ask and, here's the crux, if it suits. He has asked to see the children, but generally schedules them in to suit. I used to let him know about parents' evenings, the children sometimes tell them themselves about such things, he always says that he'll do it "if he can".
He says he wants me to ask him for help if I need, and he'll help "if he can". IF he "doesn't have anything else on". He tries in his way to make it a mutual thing, asking if a particular schedule works for me, but it's all somehow on a disconnected level. I have a hard time with that.
We can talk about business things just fine, as a matter of fact we can chat on most subjects very well. But he sees himself as totally separate.
He has asked what I want, i.e. what I want from him; when I once recently asked what he wanted from me he said that he needed to think about that. In December 09 he said that he wanted us to be friends, and defined that as:
To be there if needed, but not becoming a burden"; "there to help out". To be able to ask favours without it being a big deal. To be able to chat about anything; no particular theme, sharing life's small triumphs and disappointments without boring the other. Passing the time pleasantly, in other words. But no visiting the other at home.
He has said that he would "still support me and take my side", fitting in with the above definition.
It's all "when he can". It's the "when he can" that gets me.
He was more confused in the beginning, conforming more typically to the mlc script, calling me to say that he didn't love me (i.e. protesting too much) for example, but now he just gets irritated and says "I'm not coming back", and says that while he is fine doing things as a family he doesn't want to give the children the impression that he would come back.
He has had numerous touch-and-goes; generally when something else in his life has been difficult. Most recently in May this year; that petered out (I know, he was processing). Now he says that there is an OW after all (a new one).
I've not meant to be judgemental during his touch-and-goes, but know that I've fallen down on that at times.
Any other perspectives on this type of mlc-er? I would think that the chances of a clinger/boomerang wanting to reconcile were much higher. After all, they still want the relationship.
My H in particular seems to be living the life he wants. Designer perfect flat, job that he says is his dream even if things were going badly for a while, going out when, where and with whom he wants, seeing children when he wants. He is paying for us, so can feel like a good guy as well. I do wonder how on earth it would be in his interests to change? For people only change when it is in their interest to do so, which is another way of phrasing the bit about when the pain of changing is less than the pain of not doing so.
The only thing that I do know is that he isn't happy, he's said as much, said that his life is out of balance, but he isn't looking to me/us as part of the solution.
I know that the only thing to do is to let go, to let him get on with it. To try to do nothing to help or hinder. So far he hasn't inflicted OW on me, she may have been someone he introduced to the children ages ago "as a friend", the way they have met his other pals. He sees nothing at all wrong (that may not be the right word to use; I can't think of another one right now) in his behaviour, after all, he has left the marriage.
The only thing he's said that would indicate any thought at all about it is "this would all be so much easier for me if I thought you had given up on me", and "you have to let me go". To which I replied that he was gone, that it was his decision. I heard the "you have to let me go" at the beginning, as well. I've written that all on my thread....
Thoughts?
EDIT:
Link back to contact types to register your MLC type
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1530.0
Oldpilot
-
TrustandLove,
Your descriptions of your MLCer's behaviour are not specific to any contact type, but typical MLC. He want things on his terms and at his convenience.
Your MLCer is hands-down a Boomerang. Yes, it is true that the script becomes more varied as time goes by, but he is still a Boomerang.
What is more common is that a Stander with an Off-n-On thinks they have a Vanisher. Your MLCer communciates with you--it does not matter if the communication is or seems to be due to the children or not.
Vanisher's and Off-n-Ons are probably more alike than Off-n-Ons and Boomerangs. Consider the spectrum, Vanisher's contact less than Off-n-Ons, but with Boomerangs it is more than just frequent contact. You may see more Touch-n-Goes with an Off-n-On than a Vanisher, but compared to Boomerang Touch-n-Goes it may feel like nothing...a card at an anniversary, a phone call/email/text every two or three months is Off-n-On behaviour. For a Vanisher it might be contact twice a year...maybe three times...or not at all.
-
Hi Tl,
I find this topic of interest also. My H has told me that it is imporatant to him that we remain friends. He also calls more often when things are not going well for him. I usually hear from him about every 10-14 days and small talk comes easy for us. He did surprise me this past week when he called to check how I was then also called one of my girlfriends to see how I was.
I don't know about your H but I find it odd that he does not ask me for D , he did tell that it bothers ow we are married but he has not asked for D since the begining, most of his personal belongings are at the house still,I wonder why sometimes, I mean if they want out so bad that they walk away then take your stuff, I would take mine if I did that, but then I realize this is not a "normal" person I am dealing with.
I don't know how you feel but this type of contact does not give me much hope or make me feel like he is even thinking about a return . It's like he has his wonderful life dinner, dancing vacations someone to take care of and love , and his wife is now his friend and how lucky for him that I am so kind and understanding... barf
-
Thanks for your comments, RCR. All taken on board. I do agree and see that vanishers and off-and-on's are more alike, I guess I had put my H in that category rather than think of him as a boomerang. I guess I just need to settle in for a long stretch of this right now.
Livnistrong, yes, I get what you say about your H's life now. There are times when I feel like what you say, that he isn't even thinking about a return, then I think that it really doesn't matter what he is thinking. He isn't thinking, actually -- he's just going from one thing to the next.
I've also thought about his "wonderful life"; like you say, dinner, dancing, vacations, fill in the blanks with whatever else; but then I do think about connectedness. As he is disconnected from us, he is also disconnected from others. He compartmentalises all the bits of his life, and already has found that each of those hasn't exactly acted the way he's wanted them to. I have no idea about OW, but would wager that she, too, isn't exactly thrilled with just being one compartment. Would any of us be?
All this just says to me that he is still in the tunnel, rather than having made the decisions.
-
This is my husband exactly. When I ask him if he thinks I should stop calling he always says do what you want. What does that mean. When I asked him if I should take of my ring he also said do what you need to do. Not in a mean way he but just like he doesn't care either way and that I should do what I need to do. Should we stop contact with these men to get them through this process faster. I have to admit I like knowing what he is doing but I think it keeps me holding on.
-
This is from the articles on this contact type, if your MLC'er is one or you would like to discuss do it here.
Off-and-On
This MLCer contacts in small bites, perhaps an email or other contact every few months. Touch-n-Goes are smaller or shorter than with a Boomerang. It may feel like a reopening of old wounds with each new contact which may increase during special dates and holidays. They may send gifts but offer no information other than a note--or may send no note. Touch-n-Goes where there is two-way communication are often tests and feelers to determine how you will treat them, what you want from them and whether you are judging them.
http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/mlc_overview_contact-types.html
-
I think this is my husband, though he feels like a vanisher. We only communicate about finances or D16. When we are face to face he initiates the contact, or it is with D16 present. I am always nice and cordial, like any friend. He never contacts me otherwise. I think if D16 were not here, we would have no contact at all. D16 initiates contact with him about 90% of time, and it is when she needs something. H use to invite her to dinner, but no longer does that either. I think D16 wants and misses her dd so she does the contacting.
-
I thought that my H was a Boomerang but now I'm thinking he is an Off and On. I believe that if it were not for our S, my H would be a Vanisher. I also think if it were not for our S, he would never contact me and the next time I'd see him would be in Divorce court. We have broken up in the past and his M.O. was to not contact me. One time he came back to me and wanted to get back together and told me that the grass was NOT greener out there. Who knows how long it will take him to realize it this time, if he ever does since he is very hateful and Monsterish and thinks everything is my fault.
-
I have been quite confused as to what category I would place my partner in. I have always considered him a vanisher as there is no contact from him
I have been confused however as he will respond if I contact him for anything I need.
Right now he responds to contact about our dog. Gets her medicine for her, also leaves food for her.
He usually leaves it on the porch and goes.
He will respond with text. Does not like phone calls. And when he does not respond he is with the ow.
He has gone through various stages, deep depression, withdrawal, then sorrow, sobbing, the extreme anger,raging at me.
Now he seems calm, will help if I ask.
He however never does contact, never asks if I need anything, has never once varied from saying we are over/done/he is never coming back.
He would say and has said to me the last time I saw him that I need help because I have not moved on.
Maybe this is more of an off and on.
Maybe he really loves someone else and just wants me out of his life.
If there were any caring left at all wouldn't that person contact you?
Hugs and blessings
-
I know I started this thread; I considered him an off-and-on because he would pop up only when he wanted to. But RCR said he does that too often (each week, more or less) to be that.
But he, too, has been consistent in saying that he's not coming home and "that won't change".
-
I too thought my H was a Vanisher......so far he has contacted me about once a month but thats only if he needs something (that he left here when he moved out). I feel that once he has everything he feels he needs from here - I will never hear from him again.
He just wants to try to forget about me and everything that he's done. He can't even convey that to me in words........it's just the way he's acting. Can't look at me and won't call me on the phone.....only through email. And whenever he comes by....it definately has to be a time when I'm not home.
Time will tell more I guess. Right now he's Off&On....but headed toward a full vanisher.
-
Like many of you, I had categorized my H as an off and on, although T&L, your H sounds very similar to mine. He and I have plenty of contact but it is around our daughters and scheduling. if we didn't share them, I don't think I would hear from him at all.
The thing that is most striking about my H is his "lack" of ambivalence. He has not waivered one bit. Says he is "done" and that he can't be happy with me no matter what. Denies it has anything to do with OW. he recently told me if he doesn't end up with her, it will be someone else--just never me. I find this so curious. Why the need to close the door on us so tightly? Who is ever that resolute after a break up? Perhaps it is still too early for doubts to creep in, but I am not optimistic.
Wish I had a clinger...
-
Zinger
My husband was a clinging boomerang when I was still living in the city we lived at and after I moved backhome he was a boomerang. Clinging boomerang and boomeramg were during OW1 and a few months after OW1. Since OW2 he become a Vanisher.
I do prefer the vanisher to the clinging boomerang or the boomerang. I'm spared all the spewing, agressiveness, arguments, feeling cornererd and without a minute to breath. Being 300 km away from him, along with is vanishing and my NC allowed me time and space to heal, grow and change.
Of course I know where my husband works, lives and what he is up to. One always has a way of knowing. But I do not contact him, do not make questions, do not engage in any action.
Interestingly the affair with OW1 lasted less than the, still on, affair with OW2. No interference since OW2 has made no difference in the length of the affair nor made it any shorter. Also, when I left him alone and gave him space he become a vanisher. When we where in contact he was always going around the house or getting in touch.
-
My W started off boomerang, but when I went dark, she got quite upset with me... now, if it wasn't for the kids, I'm sure she would be a vanisher... She only contacts me about the kids and generally it's when it's convenient for her (she wants to be with OM for a party weekend) or probably when the kids start complaining they haven't seen me in a while (no custody agreement and my W has withheld the kids on a number of occasions, so I take what I can get)...
I think in my W's case, it's a controller / manipulator behaviour... since I won't be friends with her, she has abandoned me completely... I suspect if I finally agree to be her "friend"... well, I was going to say she might move to boomerang, but I don't think so... she's projected venom at me telling me I'm controlling (don't have a controlling bone in my body; she's always done what she wanted)...
I do think it's something around the "friend" thing, though... and the emotional turmoil that maybe us LBSers did not can, early on... they don't want to be around someone who carries their pain on their sleeve...
At least... that's how I see it...
-
The last time I saw my H was the end of July.....and prior to that it was the end of May. He can't even look at me, so I know he doesn't want to be around me....he doesn't want to be reminded. He's never blamed me for any of this though.....he blames himself, so I guess he feels shame & guilt for what he's putting me through and that's why he can't look at me. He had enough b@&&s to up and abandon me but doesn't have enough b@$$s to face himself and deal with his demons...no, it's better just to run away than have to deal with the consequences.....hope he realizes he can only run so far and so long before it will all catch up to him.
-
kaffe,
When OW1 was out of the picture, by husband wanted me to be his friend. He had this crazy talk about we getting divorced (on his terms, he would have all our assets and money because I had not helped him throught the marriage + the 10 years we spent together before that), but that we should be friends, star (right away) a new relashionship. He even wanted to book an hotel room to prove me that the sparkle was still there.
I've said from the beggining that being his friend was not doing the crazy things he wanted to do not to agree with his crazy demands. I think he run to get an OW2 because I refused to become his girlfriend. Something like, she does not want to play along, so I will show her. I'll get someone else, stop talking to her, live my life without caring for her.
Like you, I suspect that if I had become the friend he wanted me to be I would still had a boomerang or maybe even a clinging boomerang.
But being what he wanted me to be would had solve nothing. Nor allowed for any healing, peace of mind, or improvement of the relashionship (marriage or frindship).
-
oh wow, you guys... this is all SOOOO familiar to me...
Yes Limbo, while my W has made slight suggestions that this was not about me, but about her... she never really "blamed" herself... and when it got far enough in, ALL blame (to me; externally) has been placed on me... but yes, it starts to become obvious that it is the guilt they feel that they will off/on or vanish because they can't deal with us... so when they contact us, it seems that there's a sense they are checking to see if we're ready to be friends... negotiating, in some way... like in my case, "If you are my friend, I will give you more access to the kids"... or at least, it seems that way...
And Anne, I thought it was funny that your H wanted to get a hotel room with you, after OW1... lol... like... HELLLOOOO!!!! You seem to forget your the one that didn't want to be with me...
My W has had at least 2 EAs and I believe of that, also had a PA... and now I believe she's on a third EA/PA... I'm not stupid and have darned good evidence, but really... no PROOF... anyhow, I could see that between down time with OMs, there might have been more interest in checking on the "friend" thing... and friends under HER terms...
I think aside from dark, one of the things that probably pushed her to off-and-on was when she said the M was dead, she didn't feel the passion, and maybe we could start again, as friends... so sorta like your H, Anne... and when I reframed that and spoke it back to my W, I said, "Yes, that sounds great... every R should have it's basis in friendship and the old M is dead"... well... that was NOT what she wanted to hear me say... right away back peddled saying she didn't want to be friends just to create a foundation for a "new" M...
This summer, my W has probably contacted me about ... twice... once to ask if I wanted the kids prior to them going to camp for a couple weeks (and of course, it coincided with her being with OM) and the second time was to see if I wanted the kids at the end of August (which coincided with her being with the OM)... and it always seems tied into and stated in a way that's "pleasant" and engaging... a temp check of sorts to see if I'll respond in a way that I might be ready to be friends...
Again, that's how it looks, to me...
-
Mu h as always been a clinging boomerang.....even when ive gone nc or dark hes always found away to break it by turning up at home or if im out with friends on a night out he will come looking me....he as asked me time and time again not to give up on him..........he told me Saturday he would never D me and today before going for my counselling he called and wished me good luck :o :o :o :o :o........yrs ago my h mentioned having a tattoo just above his heart........anyway he mentioned getting one done for his birthday as my d20 gave him money for it...........when i asked if he was having the one mentioned yrs ago..........he said yes i said if you have that.......then i will not have anything to do with you again EVER.....he looked gob smacked and said why.............i said the verse your having contains a word you have called o/w...........he looked at me like this :o :o :o :o :o :o........anyway when he called Saturday d20 asked if he got his tattoo...he said your mum didnt want me to have it ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D he said so i bought a shirt and a pair jeans ;D ;D ;D wonder if o/w knows that he still listens to what i say lol.....maybe if asked he might come home.....i havent asked him in ages ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) ::) if hes not a clinging boomerang then i dont know what it is xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
-
Ahahahahah! These spouses we have. ;D If we look from aside it is really hilarious. ;D
kaffe, my husband never really did stop wanted. He wanted me and OW1 lololol He put it very clear: all his passion for me was still there. He just did not want to be home, paid the bills, have any responsabilities. ::) He wanted everything on his terms, me, OW1, party like there was no tomorrow, spending, spending, spending. Have is cake and eat it! :P
On his first birthday after he left he wanted me to go to his birthday party. OW1 was there, of course. I refuse. He insisted “after a few drinks no one cares anymore, everyone will get along. I really want you to come. She will not upset you.” Oh! dear…lolol
I also got the “we could start again as friends” just mine keep feeling the passion. ::) He just didn’t feel we should remain married since “we no longer got along”. Of course that without OW1, and until OW2 come along, he was going to pull the “I still want you” card! But, we must never forgot, only on his terms! ;D
No matter how much I told him that what he wanted was not a friendship he keep insisting: “I want to be your friend. I did not wanted to hurt you. Right now she is what I need but I still want you.” and so on. He was totally confused and lost (he still is).
When he was still contacting me, despite monster, huge dramas and a lot of fighting, he never quit the friends thing. At one point he started buying me small presents. He had money to presents but not to help me paying the bills. Sweet! 8)
Unlike you I have boxes of evidences both of OW1 and OW2. Not sure if is better to have or nor to have. It is better in the case of divorce, I think.
He has never contacted me since OW2 except to thanks my condolences when his grandmother passed away and to let me know that one of our pets was dying.
He went from one extreme to the other. So strange.
-
It's interesting how so many of us wish we had the "other" kind of MLCer -- sort of like wishing you had curly hair if yours is pin-straight....
At the risk of getting off topic on this thread, I'm replying to Zinger here -- I agree, there are a lot of similarities between how our H's acted -- the excitement about setting up the apartment, all that.
I guess the difference is that my H didn't admit to any OWs for 2 1/2 years.... but he, too, has been consistent in saying that he is never coming back. He's on OW5, so does keep looking for someone other than me. I did have one "I miss you", and some indications that he was thinking about returning during the first year, and a few other bits at points along the way, but never any clinging, never any "wanting both of us". Some of those have been between OW, I learned after the fact.
He has gone from blaming me completely, to saying that we get on and share core values, to even saying he still finds me attractive (which he doesn't seem to remember saying any more), back to he's never going to change his mind.
I think this is where the faith part comes in -- we really can't know what goes on in their minds.
And I, too, sometimes think that if it weren't for the children I'd have a vanisher or near-vanisher. There were times earlier on when he'd call because he wanted the contact (he didn't have anyone else to talk to), but that doesn't happen any more.
-
It's interesting how so many of us wish we had the "other" kind of MLCer -- sort of like wishing you had curly hair if yours is pin-straight....
:) :)
In my case it is really a preference based on experience. My H was a clinging boomerang/boomerang during OW1 and between OWs. With other OW2 he become a Vanisher. For me a Vanisher it is much, much better and peaceful.
-
I certainly know what you mean about less contact being more relaxed for me..... when we don't hear from him for a while we just go ahead and make plans, live life. Then suddenly he texts and it's all jumbled again. Even if it isn't a big thing. For me it's just the reminder that this is still going on. When he's not there at all we just get on with things.
-
I think my H is what I allow him to be!! He would like to be here most of the time and pretend that he still lives here, but he wants to be free to do whatever he wants whenever he wants to ... and doesn't want to be accountable to anyone.
I let him come here to do jobs, to collect the girls and sometimes to have a meal with us. He did a BBQ for their birthday. But I am wary of just letting him be here too much, I see it as cake-eating unless he truly wants a relationship with me as his wife. He isn't ready for that yet, so I have boundaries. I've told him I don't want to be his friend in some senses of the word, I will be his co-parent to make life the best for our D's but not someone he can rely on as a friend. I will be pleasant (most of the time) and help out if I can, but I have to look after myself before him. He knows that in the past I would put myself out for him, I don't any longer.
-
Can a person in MLC go through the various types throughout their crisis? My ex H first appeared to be a very High-energy MLC'er, then he was like a boomerranger and.or a low-energy, then later somewhat of a vanisher even though the longest time was about 3 months...........now he seems to be "off-and-on". Any thoughts?
-
Hi,
as I understand it ...yes...the MLCer can swap types through their crisis but I think the basic principles of llovingly detaching and GAL are prerequisites for dealing with them...whatever type they are!!!
P
xx
-
Hi,
as I understand it ...yes...the MLCer can swap types through their crisis but I think the basic principles of llovingly detaching and GAL are prerequisites for dealing with them...whatever type they are!!!
P
xx
Yes they can. By husband did (is doing) that.
-
In the beginning my H was a bit of a clinger. He "visited" me twice in the month that he left and sent long emotional e-mails (all about him) every day or so. Then, after about a month, he abruptly switched to an on-and-off.
We have no children, so he doesn't "need" to contact me, except about financial matters. He does this very rarely and only through e-mail. I have not seen him since Jan. 30. He will not take a phone call from me and doesn't text me. He was maniacally texting OW at BD, so I think he associates texting with something romantic (silly as that sounds) and does not want to be "romantic" with me, only her.
He has sent me several snail-mail letters about his feelings, always, oddly, right around a holiday. They all have the exact same themes:
Has regret over the way he left.
Lost his love for me and "can't get it back."
Doesn't want to come back.
Can't see me or talk to me.
No good reasons given for divorce.
In his most recent letter (the Labor Day weekend letter), he says, for the first time, that he is filing for divorce. I suspect that when he completes the divorce, he will vanish.
I agree that these types, as opposed to the clingers, aid detachment. But I feel I have really lost him. He has not "seen my changes." He knows nothing about my life and never asks. He never even says "how are you?"
-
My H started as a boomerang very needy and pitiful but I could not cope with him so think I changed his behaviour by being kind but not available but also think this helped him
why could I not cope? I tried everything to understand why my strong H was acting so odd and hurting us all so much (didn't know about MLC then - only found site 14 months ago approx) BD 2 years and 2 months ago.
My H I feel, and children do too needs to be on his own I think to find out what he is all about what he has done is all about etc and I suppose what he wants from his life'?
He has tried to come home I think twice not is a strong way so I missed it!! ?? again only think this so not sure and this was only on reflection that I can see that he had at this time a need to come home and I can see he wanted to come back/home but really wasn't ready too - or for the right reasons to come back - SO would have gone again I am sure. But its in the past and just a reflection on what I think ?
He I know does not have the strength to fix himself or fix his actions .. still doesn't but seems to possibly moving towards we live in hope - to a stronger place to fix himself as only he can do this, I cant help him
He however rings or emails or texts every 6-8 weeks, we meet for dinner/lunch every 3 - 6 months, he is always very nice and tries so hard to be lovely now at first he was not he was seeing me as if it was an endurance but now he seems different - last time we met 11 weeks ago he let me know he'd been stalking me and was so kind and friendly - it was spooky, however since then he has emailed a few times and text ed but now seems angry with me for no reason, the journey continues, I guess ................
I find out he talks a lot about me to other people??
His stuff is still here??
He isn't with an OW anymore since last year - September we think?
So he will pop up soon I am guessing October and ?? well see I am always kind but leave him to it - too figure it out for himself that is my way ...........
Love B
-
I've become confused who and what my MLCer is. All I know is that he is not a vanisher.
I thought he was an IN and Out but really don't know so perhaps someone could confirm for me:
Contact is not quite once a week, sometimes I initiate sometimes he does
Contact is always in the form of text messages....no phone calls
He acts as if everything is normal - conflict avoidant most of the time
He lives at his mother
Does not contact S16 (3 times in 7 months)
Was coming to house once every three weeks (I stopped this due to OW relationship)
Very overt depression
He tells me he is confused, feels like a failure, lonely (even though he has OW).
Poor-me constantly.
He has mixed feelings about the marriage
Talks about the fog alot
-
Sounds like maybe he's now seeing you aren't the problem and so he's REALLY confused.
That's a lot of guilt to deal with so no wonder he is overtly depressed. I'd hate to be him.
-
My H started out as a Boomerang (not clinging) - but now, almost 17 months post BD - he has turned into an On Offer.
I don't know if it is due to the fact he is deeper in the tunnel or that he may be involved with OW#3 (third one in 17 months). OW1 - who he broke up a 30 year marriage and abandoned his kids for - dropped out right after he left. I think she liked the attention, but had no intention of being with him in reality.
I guess time will tell if, when he eventually gets toward the light at the end of the tunnel, he changes contact levels.....I would think for Touch and Goes and Reconnecting - he would need to. But, of course, I am jumping ahead.
Limitless
-
I would say now that my h. is an Off-and-On!
He was somewhat of a Boomerang at the beginning (never a clinger), but now that he is living away from us (almost a year now) and working in different area of the city (a very large city), even the children don't see him very often.
I haven't heard his voice or seen him for over seven months. I have received one or two emails with 'business' requests. I contact him via text infrequently - birthday, Christmas and Easter and also to thank him for sending leftovers from restaurants when he eats with the kids - he always says it is 'their' idea.
He is pleasant in his responses as I am.
I wonder if he will change again?
I don't think he will become a vanisher because of the children and we are not legally separated yet although he has made noises about that.
When we were married (27 years and 5 years dating), he was a clinger! He was very close to me - he would call several times a day, he would seek me out in the house and hug and kiss me often. When we were in public (at the club, church, restaurants, walking, shopping, etc.) he was always openly affectionate towards me. Almost as if he couldn't keep his hands, and eyes away from me. I loved it!
I miss him so!
This is truly punishment for me...
-
Even though I started this thread, I've been told that my H is a boomerang, not an off-and-on, as we do see him frequently, if only for a few minutes at a time.
Mitz, what you said about how your H was during your marriage resonated exactly with me -- to the letter.
I think they do change as the crisis goes on; again, it's only in hindsight that we really see how.
x
EDIT - I do agree that contact types can also change thru the crisis, as I believe my low energy mlc'er is now a vanisher. But it is all deep depression so who knows, hindsight - YES - OldPilot.
-
When we were married (27 years and 5 years dating), he was a clinger! He was very close to me - he would call several times a day, he would seek me out in the house and hug and kiss me often. When we were in public (at the club, church, restaurants, walking, shopping, etc.) he was always openly affectionate towards me. Almost as if he couldn't keep his hands, and eyes away from me. I loved it!
I miss him so!
This is truly punishment for me...
This was exactly how my marriage was until the day he left. Everyday I arrived home from work or the store or whatever, he was right there waiting for me with a big hug and kiss and helpful with whatever I needed. I was there for him too in the same way when I was a stay at home mom. Now, I rarely see him. I miss him so much! What did I do so wrong to deserve this?
-
What did I do so wrong to deserve this?
Stander - I know that you already know this.....but I will write it down anyway (Maybe for myself???)
There is NOTHING that you did to deserve this! NOTHING.
This is HIS crisis - HIS issue.....except that you are his wife - this has NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with HIM. I know it's hard to do - but don't take what he does personally. I know that it feels like he is doing this to YOU - but he does this to himself.
Remember that.
:)
Hugs,
It will be okay.
L
Edit missing quote brackets -OP
-
Thank you Limitless, sometimes it is the honest truth of how I feel. But, I do know it is his journey.
-
OK OP, I'll bite.
My H, too, started out as a boomerang. I'd say for about the first 10 months or so. Then he slowly evolved into what he is today 18 months post BD, an Off-and-On.
I haven't seen or spoken to him in almost 6 months. We have communicated via email maybe a total of 8 times or so during that period. I don't think we've gone much more than 4-6 weeks without some kind of email communication.
I purposely went dark on him in February after he sent me an abusive letter accusing me of trying to keep our D from having a relationship with him, committing a variety of "crimes" against him, and dredging up all my failures, real and imagined, he could recount from our 37 years of living together. It was hideous and I decided then that I needed, for my own healing, to go NC.
He tried a few times after that to communicate with me, he actually phoned me (I did not pick up) and left a VM message the day after he sent the hateful missive saying, "I probably shouldn't have sent the letter. I'm trying to work stuff out." I think he called once or twice more after that but I didn't pick up.
In April he texted and asked if I wanted to meet to sign our tax return. I cordially texted back asking him to drop the return off at our accountant's and that I'd sign it there.
He did send me a short but pleasant email on Mother's Day. I decided to ease up a bit on my NC and we exchanged a few pleasant messages. I also sent him a short but kind Father's Day message. The last I heard from him was about a month ago.
I need to contact him about several financial matters but I just can't bring myself to do it. I don't like being the one to initiate. I keep hoping NC will help me and, while I think it has in some ways, it also is hard for me. It hasn't brought me the "peace" some here seem to get.
Oh well, MLC takes time, right? Lots and lots of time.
TMHP
-
Reading this makes me very curious about which type my MLCer is. He sounds very much like Trust and Love's husband. But he does not do the contacting. I have done all the initiating except for a call at Christmas and one after he couldn't make it to a performance (I invited him to) I guess I have received a few texts from him...but just pic messages.
I suspect that if I didn't do the contacting I would hear very little from him. But, I have not let contact go for more than a couple of days. When we first moved out, in December, he seemed very eager to meet and date. He always had lots of praise and admiration for me in our marriage and this continued at the beginning after BD. He also accepted all my invitations. That is slowing down now and he is more apt to only come to what is convenient or say no. He seems to be getting more and more concerned about things fitting into his schedule and his weekends seem to be particularly guarded. The compliments have stopped.
He does come and stay at the house when he is working in the area (sleeps in the other room) and lives at his parent's when not. He maintains that there is no OW right now, but seems open to shopping around. He travels quit a bit and seems to have it pretty good in that he has different places to stay.
He always responds to my texts, but sometimes robotically...just answering my questions or responding in the cordial "expected" way. Reveals little about his feelings. Contacts our S22 about every other week.
He has maintained, since he left, that he cannot live with me anymore and has made it clear he doesn't want a sexual relationship with me (although he seemed confused about that at the beginning.) However, when he visits he often comes with groceries, brings little gifts, does work around the house, and is always extremely polite (unless I ask questions about us.) He likes being recognized for the things he brings and what he does. I feel sometimes like he is keeping a checklist for himself and this is a way that he can feel he is still "a good guy."
I think he may have suggested he come to work at the house once or twice. I get the feeling that he is almost afraid of risking initiating. He never did much of the planning in our marriage but was always a willing joiner. I also think he is afraid of giving me a wrong message, believing that if he initiates contact that it would give me hope. He got tickets to a baseball game when I suggested we go..but always waits for me to ask.
Someone asked me if it was hard on my self-esteem to be the one who always initiates contact. It doesn't feel that way...perhaps that is my pathology.I do get disappointed if he doesn't accept my invitation sometimes ,but it hurts more not having contact with him than to maintain it.
So...what type is he? He says he is happy. Wants to be "normal" (one of his complaints about our relationship...I had too many "issues") He seems to need to present an eternally optimistic, happy-go-lucky persona. Although, I think there may be some covert depression as the "always happy" attitude can get a bit shrill and I see frustration emerge from time to time (which he thinks is totally dependent on me.) What do you think?
-
bump
-
Hmmm. Not sure about my H, Screwtape. I was thinking he was a Vanisher, but now O and O sounds more realistic. Is there anything specific to do in dealing with them?
-
OldPilot got me to look at this thread. I thought my W was a Vanisher with some options, but now she is probably an off/on person. Rarely do we talk, and if so, it is text only and very short. I think my W is an off/on while we are doing the splitting of assets and once this is done, I believe she will become a Vanisher. She will be a Vanisher to me only (see my thread) and not to sons or family, though she is a long distance away from everyone.
My thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4332.0
-
I've been browsing... wow, I started this thread over 3 years ago! Looking back, my H was definitely a Boomerang, not an on-and-off at all. It was odd to read my first post, and to think about what has changed. Until a year ago it didn't seem that much had, except that he had initiated legal action, saying he was now happy with OW5 and wanted to move on. But certainly no more mention of friendship. And now OW5 may be a question mark.
The thing that seems to have changed is that he is now angry, angry, angry. He has been contact much less for the past year, has stopped coming here at all and now only sees D; boys aren't interested and he is angry about that as well, saying that they should treat him better. Small amount of contact with me when his mother died last year.
He now openly blames me for everything to the kids, something he didn't do before. And he no longer contacts me about the kids at all, texts D16 directly, sometimes boys, but they generally don't respond. I've asked him not to put her in the middle between him and her brothers, but now also see that that comes across as controlling/lecturing. But that really isn't fair on D, and she does need to know I've got her back.
He now appears to be using D16 as the person to talk to when things aren't going well (they aren't now); that's what he used to do with me in previous cycles. D somehow knows that this isn't appropriate, but also says that she doesn't really know what to do about it, and she is too afraid of losing him for good if she doesn't go along with what he wants.
I guess he still counts as a Boomerang, even if he is not in touch nearly as much as he used to be. He is in regular contact, but directly with kids rather than with me; I've only got the angry stuff, first through lawyers and now directly.
Weird to look back on it.
-
Just wanted to mention...I am 3 years post BD and my non clingy boomerang has turned into an on and off. He communicates when he feels like it, mostly chat, often very short and dry. His replay seems much lower energy now than it used to be. Not so much flaunting and rubbing my nose in it, eye contact is better, but communications are now more sporadic. Used to be every week, now he prefers to meet every 1 to 2 months. He doesn't gloat as much as he used to...waiting to see what happens next.
-
Anjae directed me to this thread, saying she think H sounds more off and on than vanisher. Am wondering if anyone else feels they have an off and on and what it's like. From reading this thread, I would say there is a lot of difference terms of their contact. The RCR definition is occasional contact and possible gifts from the MLCer. My H has initiated contact only a couple times. He is cordial, asks how I am, is interested in my course, and asks about the animals. It's 2.5 years since bd. I know he is vastly unhappy living with vile hag. They have a son who is 15 months old now. Unplanned natch. Neither using birth control at the time. :o
H will chat with me if I call or ask him to call when he's free, I usually imitate this when a text won't do. I know H prefers texts but still will call me and want to chat. He said to me once that he knows it must have been tough for me when he left. Not an apology but a realisation perhaps it wasn't all roses and sunshine.
I'm seeing him next week, but will probably not chat with him. It's a funeral we are both attending. He has avoided all family gatherings, parties, birthdays for all this time. I wouldn't be surprised if he backed out. He does contact his sister occasionally but has only seen her a handful of times. Hasn't seen me since oct 2013.
I still don't think he quite fits the off and on remit but close enough I guess.
-
Sound similar to my sitch, Sunny. Mine moved out 16 months ago after 8 months of being a clinger. Initially we would communicate fairly frequently although not daily. Within a few months that changed into maybe once or twice a month with communications being mostly via text or email. I saw him on Christmas Day (not my choice) then we went right back to being very dark with each other. I spoke to him for the first time since Christmas last week.
Like yours, mine does show interest in the practicalities of my life when we do communicate, and he shares tidbits about his. Conversations are perfunctory.
May I ask why the label matters? To me, it doesn't.
-
It hasn't until recently. I've been going through a bad patch. I guess I felt if I could identify his MC style, I would have a better idea of what to do. Of course there is nothing to do. I've been detaching nicely for last couple years, and it's just become difficult lately. It's Mother's Day in the uk today and a bad trigger for me. Plus the news H will be attending my nephew's funeral on the 25th has me worked up - how to handle it. Tbh I don't expect he will stay long and probably won't even approach me. He is an avoider. I've not seen him since oct 2013.
I'm feeling better now, realise just be me. Tbh I think I'll be too busy crying my eyes out anyway, the funeral is for my wee nephew who was only two. Some things in life take precedence over MLC.
Thanks for asking, it was a useful question and helped me gain perspective. It is what it is xo
-
Attaching :)
-
Attaching - I thought mine was a Vanisher - but apparently not - now an off-and-on
-
I think my H is an off-and-on at this point. Sometimes it feels like he will just vanish considering he moved 400 miles away to be with the OW about a month after BD. the contact type does make me wonder if he really is in crisis or just moved on since he's only 30 (OW is 22).
After BD and for the first three plus months I was generally initiating contact and he very rarely responded. After he said he wanted to come back but didn't, we were chatting with each other online almost daily for a couple weeks. I think things with OW in a new city weren't going well at the time. It appears they are again as H hasn't initiated contact since late January except for tax time. He doesn't ask about our dog or want to see her or me. He has visited the area twice, once for a friends birthday party and once to do taxes. He sends me his half of car insurance every month via PayPal but that's the extent of contact.
Seems like he's just enjoying his new life and starting over with OW and her family in a new city.
-
Giving this a bump.
-
Bump so that HeroIam and others can see it.