[Seeking Serenity]

I too thought my H was a Vanisher......so far he has contacted me about once a month but thats only if he needs something (that he left here when he moved out).  I feel that once he has everything he feels he needs from here - I will never hear from him again. 

He just wants to try to forget about me and everything that he's done.  He can't even convey that to me in words........it's just the way he's acting.  Can't look at me and won't call me on the phone.....only through email.  And whenever he comes by....it definately has to be a time when I'm not home.

Time will tell more I guess.  Right now he's Off&On....but headed toward a full vanisher.

[zinger]

Like many of you, I had categorized my H as an off and on, although T&L, your H sounds very similar to mine.  He and I have plenty of contact but it is around our daughters and scheduling.  if we didn't share them, I don't think I would hear from him at all.

The thing that is most striking about my H is his "lack" of ambivalence.  He has not waivered one bit.  Says he is "done" and that he can't be happy with me no matter what.  Denies it has anything to do with OW.  he recently told me if he doesn't end up with her, it will be someone else--just never me.  I find this so curious.  Why the need to close the door on us so tightly?  Who is ever that resolute after a break up?  Perhaps it is still too early for doubts to creep in, but I am not optimistic. 

Wish I had a clinger...

[Anjae]

Zinger

My husband was a clinging boomerang when I was still living in the city we lived at and after I moved  backhome he was a boomerang. Clinging boomerang and boomeramg were during OW1 and a few months after OW1. Since OW2 he become a Vanisher.

I do prefer the vanisher to the clinging boomerang or the boomerang. I'm spared all the spewing, agressiveness, arguments, feeling cornererd and without a minute to breath. Being  300 km away from him, along with is vanishing and my NC allowed me time and space to heal, grow and change.

Of course I know where my husband works, lives and what he is up to. One always has a way of knowing. But I do not contact him, do not make questions, do not engage in any action.

Interestingly the affair with OW1 lasted less than the, still on, affair with OW2. No interference since OW2 has made no difference in the length of the affair nor made it any shorter. Also, when I left him alone and gave him space he become a vanisher. When we where in contact he was always going around the house or getting in touch.

[kaffe diem]

My W started off boomerang, but when I went dark, she got quite upset with me...  now, if it wasn't for the kids, I'm sure she would be a vanisher...  She only contacts me about the kids and generally it's when it's convenient for her (she wants to be with OM for a party weekend) or probably when the kids start complaining they haven't seen me in a while (no custody agreement and my W has withheld the kids on a number of occasions, so I take what I can get)...

I think in my W's case, it's a controller / manipulator behaviour...  since I won't be friends with her, she has abandoned me completely...  I suspect if I finally agree to be her "friend"...  well, I was going to say she might move to boomerang, but I don't think so...  she's projected venom at me telling me I'm controlling (don't have a controlling bone in my body; she's always done what she wanted)...

I do think it's something around the "friend" thing, though...  and the emotional turmoil that maybe us LBSers did not can, early on...  they don't want to be around someone who carries their pain on their sleeve...

At least...  that's how I see it...

[Seeking Serenity]

The last time I saw my H was the end of July.....and prior to that it was the end of May.  He can't even look at me, so I know he doesn't want to be around me....he doesn't want to be reminded.  He's never blamed me for any of this though.....he blames himself, so I guess he feels shame & guilt for what he's putting me through and that's why he can't look at me.  He had enough b@&&s to up and abandon me but doesn't have enough b@$$s to face himself and deal with his demons...no, it's better just to run away than have to deal with the consequences.....hope he realizes he can only run so far and so long before it will all catch up to him.

[Anjae]

kaffe,

When OW1 was out of the picture, by husband wanted me to be his friend. He had this crazy talk about we getting divorced (on his terms, he would have all our assets and money because I had not helped him throught the marriage + the 10 years we spent together before that), but that we should be friends, star (right away) a new relashionship. He even wanted to book an hotel room to prove me that the sparkle was still there.

I've said from the beggining that being his friend was not doing the crazy things he wanted to do not to agree with his crazy demands. I think he run to get an OW2 because I refused to become his girlfriend. Something like, she does not want to play along, so I will show her. I'll get someone else, stop talking to her, live my life without caring for her.

Like you, I suspect that if I had become the friend he wanted me to be I would still had a boomerang or maybe even a clinging boomerang.

But being what he wanted me to be would had solve nothing. Nor allowed for any healing, peace of mind, or improvement of the relashionship (marriage or frindship).

[kaffe diem]

oh wow, you guys...  this is all SOOOO familiar to me...

Yes Limbo, while my W has made slight suggestions that this was not about me, but about her...  she never really "blamed" herself...  and when it got far enough in, ALL blame (to me; externally) has been placed on me...  but yes, it starts to become obvious that it is the guilt they feel that they will off/on or vanish because they can't deal with us...  so when they contact us, it seems that there's a sense they are checking to see if we're ready to be friends...  negotiating, in some way...  like in my case, "If you are my friend, I will give you more access to the kids"...  or at least, it seems that way...

And Anne, I thought it was funny that your H wanted to get a hotel room with you, after OW1...  lol...  like...  HELLLOOOO!!!!  You seem to forget your the one that didn't want to be with me...

My W has had at least 2 EAs and I believe of that, also had a PA...  and now I believe she's on a third EA/PA...  I'm not stupid and have darned good evidence, but really...  no PROOF...  anyhow, I could see that between down time with OMs, there might have been more interest in checking on the "friend" thing...  and friends under HER terms...

I think aside from dark, one of the things that probably pushed her to off-and-on was when she said the M was dead, she didn't feel the passion, and maybe we could start again, as friends...  so sorta like your H, Anne...  and when I reframed that and spoke it back to my W, I said, "Yes, that sounds great...  every R should have it's basis in friendship and the old M is dead"...  well...  that was NOT what she wanted to hear me say...  right away back peddled saying she didn't want to be friends just to create a foundation for a "new" M...

This summer, my W has probably contacted me about ...  twice...  once to ask if I wanted the kids prior to them going to camp for a couple weeks (and of course, it coincided with her being with OM) and the second time was to see if I wanted the kids at the end of August (which coincided with her being with the OM)...  and it always seems tied into and stated in a way that's "pleasant" and engaging...  a temp check of sorts to see if I'll respond in a way that I might be ready to be friends...

Again, that's how it looks, to me...

[With Gods Help!]

Mu h as always been a clinging boomerang.....even when ive gone nc or dark hes always found away to break it by turning up at home or if im out with friends on a night out he will come looking me....he as asked me time and time again not to give up on him..........he told me Saturday he would never D me and today before going for my counselling he called and wished me good luck ........yrs ago my h mentioned having a tattoo just above his heart........anyway he mentioned getting one done for his birthday as my d20 gave him money for it...........when i asked if he was having the one mentioned yrs ago..........he said yes i said if you have that.......then i will not have anything to do with you again EVER.....he looked gob smacked and said why.............i said the verse your having contains a word you have called o/w...........he looked at me like this ........anyway when he called Saturday d20 asked if he got his tattoo...he said your mum didnt want me to have it  he said so i bought a shirt and a pair jeans  wonder if o/w knows that he still listens to what i say lol.....maybe if asked he might come home.....i havent asked him in ages  if hes not a clinging boomerang then i dont know what it is xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Anjae]

Ahahahahah! These spouses we have.  If we look from aside it is really hilarious. 

kaffe, my husband never really did stop wanted. He wanted me and OW1 lololol He put it very clear: all his passion for me was still there. He just did not want to be home, paid the bills, have any responsabilities.  He wanted everything on his terms, me, OW1, party like there was no tomorrow, spending, spending, spending. Have is cake and eat it! 

On his first birthday after he left he wanted me to go to his birthday party. OW1 was there, of course. I refuse. He insisted “after a few drinks no one cares anymore, everyone will get along. I really want you to come. She will not upset you.” Oh! dear…lolol

I also got the “we could start again as friends” just mine keep feeling the passion.  He just didn’t feel we should remain married since “we no longer got along”. Of course that without OW1, and until OW2 come along, he was going to pull the “I still want you” card! But, we must never forgot, only on his terms! 

No matter how much I told him that what he wanted was not a friendship he keep insisting: “I want to be your friend. I did not wanted to hurt you. Right now she is what I need but I still want you.” and so on. He was totally confused and lost (he still is).

When he was still contacting me, despite monster, huge dramas and a lot of fighting, he never quit the friends thing. At one point he started buying me small presents. He had money to presents but not to help me paying the bills. Sweet! 

Unlike you I have boxes of evidences both of OW1 and OW2. Not sure if is better to have or nor to have. It is better in the case of divorce, I think.

He has never contacted me since OW2 except to thanks my condolences when his grandmother passed away and to let me know that one of our pets was dying.

He went from one extreme to the other. So strange.

[Trustandlove]

It's interesting how so many of us wish we had the "other" kind of MLCer -- sort of like wishing you had curly hair if yours is pin-straight....

At the risk of getting off topic on this thread, I'm replying to Zinger here -- I agree, there are a lot of similarities between how our H's acted -- the excitement about setting up the apartment, all that.

I guess the difference is that my H didn't admit to any OWs for 2 1/2 years....   but he, too, has been consistent in saying that he is never coming back.  He's on OW5, so does keep looking for someone other than me.    I did have one "I miss you", and some indications that he was thinking about returning during the first year, and a few other bits at points along the way, but never any clinging, never any "wanting both of us".    Some of those have been between OW, I learned after the fact. 

He has gone from blaming me completely, to saying that we get on and share core values, to even saying he still finds me attractive (which he doesn't seem to remember saying any more), back to he's never going to change his mind. 

I think this is where the faith part comes in -- we really can't know what goes on in their minds.

And I, too, sometimes think that if it weren't for the children I'd have a vanisher or near-vanisher.  There were times earlier on when he'd call because he wanted the contact (he didn't have anyone else to talk to), but that doesn't happen any more.