Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: kikki on May 11, 2013, 09:45:42 AM
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Brilliant idea from NoRegrets.
Why, we could have a section called "Bystander script," couldn't we?
Stuff like, "Oh, you must be amicable." Or,
"Oh, you really need to move on." Or,
one of the most gag-worthy, also said by MLCer's, "Oh, children are resilient."
All you can do is smile and thank them for their concern. It's really not worth arguing with them, because, in their ignorance, you will look like the bitter, nasty one.
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Ok, I'm on board!
" MLC is just an excuse for bad behavior"
"Why don't you go to counseling"
"Why don't you tell him how you feel."
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This is a good one!
I know it is tough to be a bystander. They only want us to stop being sad and "get over it." They think that they are helping.
Here's a few, I got, at various stages -
"There's somebody else, there is always somebody else." (Bystander was right, by the way).
"Why do you think so little of yourself? Don't you believe that you deserve better?" (While she goes home to her husband, and I am alone).
"What did you do to him?" (Hate to admit, that was my father).
"You weren't happy with him. You are so much happier now." (Really?)
"He was never worthy of you."
"It's time to move on."
L
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"You know what you need to do. You have to file...you HAVE to!". (fixer friend, about to lose her mind that she couldn't just go file for me)
"God's got a plan! Sometimes he closes a door for a reason." (this is especially true when it's a padded room on the other side and your MLCer is in there)
"You can't make him stay married to you." (gotta give credit where it's due here to MIL. ::))
"Maybe you can forgive him someday." (friend who didn't talk to me again when I told her I already had)
"You were always the stronger of that pair anyway." (another friend who would always lose arguments to pre-MLC Hoss)
"You'll always be family to us." (The in-laws who no longer talk to me)
"There's a new single guy on the street!" (all of my 80 year old neighbors)
"A lot of guys are looking for a woman who is as loyal as you are." (neighbor being unintentionally ironic while encouraging me to date while I am still married!)
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Love this!!
How about, "You are so better off without him".
"You two were just toxic".
"He detached from you a long time ago, you need to accept it and move on".
"You need to marry for money next time". LOL.
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You picked him. You chose this.
He probably never loved you in the first place.
You need to start connecting with the OW's husband.
I thought I deleted you (his mother after she called me by accident).
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Ready2 - My MIL (may she rest in peace) had some great lines, as well!
"If he says he's done, he's done."
"Why would you want him, anyway."
"I'm calling to yell at the kids (mine). They haven't been nice to their father!" (2 months after he walked out on us).
"There's nothing going on between H and his old high school girlfriend! They are just friends!" (RIGHT!)
L
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How dare they not be nice, L! I think we could do a whole thread just for the collective MIL! Mine also said, "We feel Prodigal Son has come home!" with a big smile on her face right after he moved in with them, and encouraged me not to buy fries at McDonald's because, "You should save your money to pay bills." I got a lot of "lean on Jesus when things don't go your way" to get me to leave her alone.
I did take a little joy in outing him at BD2 as having put 2K miles on their new car running behind the history hag, though she was quick with "Sometimes there are just days like these." ??? Seriously? Sometimes you get a flat tire and you didn't get as many chips in the bag as you paid for. Pretty sure that's not the same as having your life ripped out from under you while your H speaks to you in a robot voice about how he will get a lawyer the next day and annihilate your life because he "never learned how to be a man." Head in the sand!
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MiL: I really do believe that nothing happened between him and the ow until after he left.
To which I replied, I found condoms in his wash bag back in January. She looked down!
What a total w@"@@£
He's such a b@£yard
Just divorce him
TT you need to go to a lawyer and say, I want this D sorted in 4 weeks. (My brother)
Well if you were sorting this out with a lawyer he wouldn't be able to just come and go (my mother)
Get a lawyer and let him deal with him
I'm actually getting to the point now where the last two are probably right, my H doesn't care a fig about how I feel or how this is affecting me. Doesn't care. Just wants it all his way and to come out smelling of roses. Sorry bad day.
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Great idea from NoRegrets :) and Kikki for starting the thread :)
I really feel that this is going to be an invaluable source because it's so easy to get drawn into doubting yourself when the MLC BS starts coming in from other sources.
Everything you get from these people is based upon either what the MLC-er has told them and/or their (often very) skewed view of relationships, emotions and people in general.
Me: this has all been such a shock - out of the blue
Friend: Well, you were really drifting apart after your mum died. So kind of sounds like my mum's fault for dying - just too weird!
Me: I've told Mr CB that I don't want to divorce him - that I still love him
Friend: But do you accept the reasons that Mr CB might not want to be with you? Do you accept that you've been controlling in your R? ::)
Me: I don't want to go to Mr CB's New Year Party
Friend: But we want to spend New Year with you and him. You know you will have to get comfortable being in the same room as Mr CB They took me out for "coffee" twice to discuss this and it felt like PRESSURE, mostly because it was.
Me: This isn't a normal breakup
Friend: Oh, what is!
FIL: We don't want to know
Friend: Now that you're single [eh, I'm not] you won't be able to have the same types of relationships with your guy friends who're married. You'll be seen as a threat. So, I pretty much went from victim to out-of-control predatory sexual beast in one fell swoop. Hilarious! ;D ;D
Now that I've taken a step back I can see these comments for what they are. They really are mostly an insight into the person who passes comment. Once I started to recognise that I got much more clarity on the situation. I could waste time trying to find out what Mr CB had said to friends and then setting them straight or I could just detach myself from the drama and these people and know that, in time, they will either get some clarity or they won't be so big a part of my life...
:) x
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Great idea... I've really had some 'pearls' thrown my way ::)
from SIL: you'll see, you'll thank him in the future!
You need to move on, I don't think he will change his mind now (this was two years ago - five months post BD)
You have the kids, you can look forward to the grandchildren :o
You were drifting apart, you probably didn't notice :o
He is never coming back.
from brother: divorce him! forget about him! (six months post BD)
from friends: I hope you are getting out and getting to know 'new' people...
Why don't you change your hair?
How about some new clothes? ???
I don't believe that you still love him... (shaking their heads)
Listening to others is detrimental ::)
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Would you have him back? ::) You wouldn't have him back would you? ::) (From my mother...not sure whether she was asking me, or telling me :o)
Just divorce him........ (My sister....shes so darn practical that gal :-\)
Your better off without him......just look how thin you are ???.....(A friend......yeah its called, I can't eat.... without puking syndrome ;))
What am I going to do?.....(from my mother.....she always thinks of herself first...lol)
just sell the house and give him what he wants.....(His sister.....she always was tactless)
I've spoken to him.....you had a bad marriage poppy :o (His sister)
just move on.....(My friend 2wks after BD)
Oh I didn't come to see you...i thought you might be upset ??? ???...... (My brother..... took him seven weeks after BD to call to see me.......he lives 2miles away....guess he thought I would be over it after seven weeks....lol
I just want him to be happy.....(His sister...blah.....well don't you fret about us love...as long as your brother is happy ::)
I thought you two would be together forever.....(well meaning friend....yep that was the plan hun)
If you get back together, we will still talk to him....(My mother..stupid woman)
Your going to be destitute poppy.....(my mother....thanks for the vote of confidence)
Well your H must see something in that fat woman poppy.......perhaps she has a nice personality.....(A friend....now an Ex friend)
You want to get yourself a boyfriend....(My neighbour......one month after BD......Yes I can see that would REALLY help!)
You will always be part of our family.....(His sister....not heard from her for months....lol)
These things happen....its just life.....(His sister divorced x2)
I don't owe poppy anything.....(His sister....being bestie mates with ow)
Well Ow does have a dry sense of humour and she knows how to dress......(His sister) and ow dresses like a "dump"...just for the record! ;)
Luving this thread :D
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I have heard "Just take it to the Cross and let God handle it".
From Evil Asst Mgr "He's not coming back. He bought a condo. Get over it" and "whatever you're feeling, leave it at the door."
"Maybe there's someone better for you. You deserve better than him".
"You were never happy".
"How long do you want to live like this?" (Standing)
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I also got the "You will always be part of the family" about two months before they told me I could talk to them about D, but not about H.
SIL: Have you given serious thought to what you've done to cause the demise of your marriage? (That one still hurts more than six months later.)
same SIL: H seems much happier now than we've seen him for a long time ... (that's called infatuation and an addictive high from an illicit affair and whacked-out hormones, since you didn't ask ...)
MIL: You never made an effort to talk to him when you were apart in the summer (despite the 11-hour time difference between our locations, the fact that the only Internet where they live is dial-up, there's no cell towers within 3 miles and my e-mails show trying to Skype at least once a week, when that involved driving 10-20 miles each way to get Internet and that I was also trying to spend time with my dying mother. Aaaargh!).
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I just want him to be happy.....(His sister...blah.....well don't you fret about us love...as long as your brother is happy ::)
I got this from my MIL. She's all about her two sons being happy even though both of them have destroyed their families in the process. (BIL is going through nasty divorce right now, with three kids) ::)
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Cherry Blossom, this was very interesting to read:
Now that I've taken a step back I can see these comments for what they are. They really are mostly an insight into the person who passes comment. Once I started to recognise that I got much more clarity on the situation. I could waste time trying to find out what Mr CB had said to friends and then setting them straight or I could just detach myself from the drama and these people and know that, in time, they will either get some clarity or they won't be so big a part of my life...
These are three powerful sentences. That really helped me to read this!
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From FIL - "She just got tired of being married."
From SIL - "I think she's in some sort of a cult or something. She made a bucket list (things to do before you die) at 41. I'm 56 and have never even thought of making a bucket list." She's still supportive and visiting from out of state; I'll see her tomorrow or Monday!
From my brother - "The best way to get over one woman is to get another one." Uh, no. Ironically, his W agreed with him. Getting over XW is hard, but getting over the fact that the mother of my children is now bat$h!te crazy and caustic is even harder. A new woman wouldn't fix that!!
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From my MIL:
Oh no, some men leave their families at this age.
This is a terrible age for it to be happening to the boys (12, 14 and 15) - it would have been better if they were younger :o :o :o
XXXX (FIL's name) and I must have been terrible parents
I'm scared (she's scared?)
A few weeks later, this became:
XXXXXX (my H) would NEVER have an affair. Kikki, how could you say such a thing!!!
When I explained some of his unusual behaviours and the fact that he was travelling with 'his friend', she said that my FIL met woman all the time for his work, and he never had an affair.
I felt like saying that clearly her son didn't have the same character as her H, but managed to refrain.
When my H visited her for an hour or so and talked about how we would all go on a family holiday in a couple of months, I said that is odd, it is the opposite of what he is saying to me. That he is going to leave as we have a bad marriage and we make each other feel bad. And how untrue that was. (I didn't understand MLC at that point).
She kept saying 'well, behind closed doors ....'
She said that a few times to me until I said MIL, you know that that is completely untrue. Stop saying that to me.
She hung up on me and we didn't talk until I phoned her a couple of years later.
We have a chat about her (health) and our boys. Avoided talking about her son.
She assured me that she had just redone all of the family photos, and that there was one of me, because after all, I was a part of her life for 25 years! WTF?
I just said 'oh good', and thought how dysfuctional can these people get! Have not communicated with her since.
But how's that. There is still a photo of me in the family album!!! Guess you have to acknowledge the brood mare in some way. Good for her!
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Wow Kikki, that is harsh!
I got, "you must have made him your God if after three months you can't let him go and forget about him."
Also, in a conversation the morning after seeing him unexpectedly with OW, he's had affairs all during your marriage and you're going to die of some terrible disease if you keep stressing about this.
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We have a chat about her (health) and our boys. Avoided talking about her son.
She assured me that she had just redone all of the family photos, and that there was one of me, because after all, I was a part of her life for 25 years! WTF?
I just said 'oh good', and thought how dysfuctional can these people get! Have not communicated with her since.
But how's that. There is still a photo of me in the family album!!! Guess you have to acknowledge the brood mare in some way. Good for her!
Similar thing happened to me, at my D3s birthday party Hs mum and partner and dad and step-mum were there, dad and step-mum did a flashy photo album for Hs brother's 40th birthday. Pictures through the years and there are pictures of H and kids but I'm out! There weren't that many pictures of my MiL tbh! I wonder if I will make the photo album for Hs 40th? Probably not, they can just imagine that our children were created in petri dishes and some strange woman they have never met before or have any record of looks after them whilst their son larges it in the city with his little girl and plays at business building! Idiots.
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These are three powerful sentences. That really helped me to read this!
I'm glad it helped you Reinventing :)
Reading all of what these Bystanders have said makes me even more sure that we are the strong ones. I mean here we are having had all the MLC BS to deal with and what many of us would probably regard as betrayal, by people who we thought would be there for us - who haven't even made any effort to try and understand - and we survive in the short-term and thrive in the long-term :D
:) x
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If he's been gone for 6 months, he won't come back.
He's chosen. He's happy with her.
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Reading all of what these Bystanders have said makes me even more sure that we are the strong ones. I mean here we are having had all the MLC BS to deal with and what many of us would probably regard as betrayal, by people who we thought would be there for us - who haven't even made any effort to try and understand - and we survive in the short-term and thrive in the long-term
This is so true CherryBlossom - I have firmly come to this conclusion, although I had to move through enormous feelings of hurt and betrayal at the hands of these people first.
I just see clearly how pathetic they all are. (the disappearing in-laws I mean)
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Must give credit where credit is due. My in-laws and closest friends all asked "What can we do?" right from the start!
I said "Stand back and stand clear while he crashes and this fake life falls apart."
To this day H remains TRAPPED ALONE with OW and the rest of us (me and the Ds) and his family and all our friends just pray for the best outcome and carry on! ;D
Some others now know what not to say to me! >:(
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Wow....another extremely cathartic thread!!
How about:
" If you really love him, you would want him to be happy." ( ex-friend who was playing both sides against the middle...talking to me, then repeating to H...I found out she thought SHE was gonna hook up with him ::) I asked her "what about my happiness and that of my 4 children?" )
"Next year this time you will be in a relationship with someone better." ( another friend's idea of encouragement, about 2 months after BD2 )
"It's sad when someone has a total breakdown" ( This was said to S23 by a family friend of H's...in reference to ME as being the cause of our separation).
"Your marriage is OVER...he is not coming back...ever." ( Said to me by close friend of H's 2 DAYS after H moved out!! Found out since that this upstanding guy divorced his second wife around that time and is now shacked up with a new skank of his own).
"This is all for the best." ( From H's cousin. My reply was "tell that to my devastated kids". )
My inlaws disappeared from Day 1...the last time I saw FIL, was when I had gone to his place to try to talk to H and FIL threw me off his property. But MIL told a relative of mine that " 2.r is so nasty. Last time I saw her she didn't wave or smile." Yeah...boo hoo...
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Bystander :"It's your birthday soon. Oh well, at least you won't be wondering what he's going to buy you this year ...."
"Are you having counselling? If so, it isn't working".
"Unlike you, exH doesn't talk about the minutae of your marriage breakdown ...". ( well i wouldn't broadcast it either if I was a lying cheating adulterer )
"You need to get it in to your head that he's never coming home"... Such compassion!
" how can ex recreate his feelings of love for you if they've been destroyed?" (yes, and who destroyed them?)
ex BIL told me that exH would either eventually come home, or leave for good by which time I would have got over it, so either way it was a win win situation :o
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Wow, Lottie, you need to surround yourself with different people. Who in their right mind would say "You don't have to worry about what he's going to get you" as any type of response to something like this? Damn!!
Mamma Bear, I was just thinking tonight how my sitch seems to be unique in that I am still considered part of my in-laws' family. My SIL from up North is visiting and I'll likely go over there tomorrow to spend some time with her. She always greets me with a big hug and kiss on the cheek and reminds me that God is in control. Not only does she still consider me her BIL, but supports my stand and still hopes XW and I work things out. She knows I was a good H and that XW ALWAYS said that I was until after BD. Perhaps the fact that I was all of a sudden not a good H and XW has never skewered me to her family (they wouldn't believe her anyway, except maybe her one sister who unfriended me on FB) keeps me in their good graces. Either way, it really makes things easier on the kids.
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Keep right away from friends/people who have absolutely no idea of what they are talking about!
Their negativity will bring you down.
Anyone who has not experienced MLC simply cannot understand it.
Other people just think the longer your H has been gone, that he will never come back. This is simply not true.
I believe most MLCers will try to make their way home, given time and space to complete their crisis.
X
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Those people who throw up their hands halfway through your sentence and interrupt you to say "I would never put up with that nonsense." ::)
Ok sure whatever ::) ::) ::)
Holier than thou attitude.
They say "Stop making excuses for bad behavior."
I accidentally told H in the beginning that I thought we had a better marriage even now than any of those people rolling their eyes and making judgements.
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Reading all of what these Bystanders have said makes me even more sure that we are the strong ones. I mean here we are having had all the MLC BS to deal with and what many of us would probably regard as betrayal, by people who we thought would be there for us - who haven't even made any effort to try and understand - and we survive in the short-term and thrive in the long-term
This is so true CherryBlossom - I have firmly come to this conclusion, although I had to move through enormous feelings of hurt and betrayal at the hands of these people first.
I just see clearly how pathetic they all are. (the disappearing in-laws I mean)
Absolutely Kikki - it takes a lot to work through the betrayal and hurt. It took a long time for me to fully accept that I had to just let go of these people. The freedom I felt when I did that was quite profound - especially with the in-laws. They hold a LOT of power and I had not realised just how much until I turned off the tap of energy that I'd kept open to them...
Must give credit where credit is due. My in-laws and closest friends all asked "What can we do?" right from the start!
I said "Stand back and stand clear while he crashes and this fake life falls apart."
Wow Mamma Bear - a penny just dropped for me with what you shared. Asking what you can do for someone, when they're in a crisis, is WAY better than dishing out advice. I could never quite explain what it was that I had needed from people, but that is it. I'm filing that one away for future reference so that I can help others - thank you :)
:) x
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The worst thing I ever got from one of my friends, regarding the OW,
"Well...maybe she IS the love of his life....it's possible."
Hrmm.
Anything is possible. And, they are more alike, I suppose than we were....
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'Well he has made him mind up - I have seen a different side of you' - FIL, after having H and FIL gang up on me one evening whilst I was trying to defend myself amongst all the mad accusations!
'Well I understand that you are controlling' - FIL, when the children weren't available at his request.
'I am trained in this, I can recognise any signs of depression or stress in people' FIL AGAIN who made this comment about H after I said he is having some issues - he then announced that he didn't see anything wrong.
'He has explained his reasons, I see you are in shock but he seems to have been telling you for a while he is very unhappy' - again, from the FIL who I no longer speak to.
'You may have seen all sorts of sexual texts - doesn't mean its proof of any kind of affair. He has said he was infatuated with OW, but he has morals - stop being a victim' FIL.
'I think you are becoming desperate to save the relationship' - FIL, one final time who truly thinks I am the cause of all of it.
'Well maybe he is depressed' - on mentioning to MIL that H totally ignored my 40th birthday and gave me monster spew
'He did not have an affair, he told me he didn't (my H) - you have convinced yourself' - MIL.
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:o :o :o NR, please tell us you have nothing to do with that 'friend' any more, and panda - your in-laws are especially toxic. Stay well away from them.
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kikki - in laws don't seem to want to know me anyway (I AM BAD!)...sadly, their response in all this highlights what sort of family my H grew up in.......it all is beginning to make sense :)
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Panda, sadly this seems to be a common theme. The bulk of us have been rejected by our in-laws during this crisis, which is very telling.
Only a few LBS seem to have the support of their spouse's FOO. We had a thread talking about it a while ago.
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Yikes, Panda, I agree with Kikki - your in-laws are toxic :o And yep, it does seem to be a neon flashing sign that alerts us to the kind of influence and emotional support (or lack of it) that our MLC-ers experienced growing up.
When I told my in-laws that Mr CB had met another woman online and had left me for her FIL's response was:
I hope he's careful - you just never know who people are when they're on the internet - they could be after his money :o
and as I sat in their kitchen crying about the breakup and looking, I guess, for some comfort and understanding:
FIL: Well, I thought I knew my boys. The thing I don't understand is why he has his hair like that :o
MIL: Yes, it's like Bruce Willis ::)
FIL: He looks awful - it's surely not attractive to anyone
ME: Well, I find him attractive and I guess so does the OW - mostly I'm doing this though :o :o :o :o
FIL: You think it's because he used to tie his hair back in a ponytail that he lost his hair (FIL has male-pattern baldness)
MIL: Yes, and I warned him about that too
FIL: [sigh] He never listened. I wonder if he (Mr CB) will have a child. Do we want another grandchild? We're quite happy with the ones we've got (Mr CB has a niece and nephew)
ME: :o :o :o :o :o :o :'( :o :o :o :o :o :o ::)
MIL: What do you think Mr CB will do with his flat (this is actually OUR flat)
ME: I think we'll sell it and split the proceeds
MIL: Looked confused and later told Mr CB that she was hurt because she'd helped him out with the deposit and it wasn't fair that I should profit from that :o ::)
Since Christmas I have detached completely from these people....
x
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Phew CB - detaching from those people sounds very wise. :-\
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cherryblossom - that is absolutely shocking!!!! I can't talk to inlaws either - They phone all jovial and completely ignore the mess and prefer to live in denial. Its me and my family who are being trampled over during this...its very unfair.
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My MIL??
At first was very supportive and in my camp with regards to H. I think now, it was because he also rejected her so we were 'fellow victims'.
Things she told me during that time: "H is not my son, I will give him a black eye, he is never welcome here with that woman, I will never forgive him..........."
Then 18 months later (pre christmas last year) H drops in on his mother. I hear about it from SIL. Whilst thankful that he finally spoke to her, it was a shock that she texts me later and simply says all is good now after a 30 minute meeting and that I need to forgive the past and she is going to meet OW2. From all the harsh comments over the months after H left and then it's 'all good' and she wants SIL and I to be 'nice' with H also even though he hasn't tried to show remorse with us.
Needless to say she hasn't contacted me since I told her it would be difficult for me to continue seeing her while she now has a relationship with OW2. I did feel betrayed again. Not because she saw H but because she just turned around from all she said previously and then went and had OW in her home and in front of my kids. I really feel as though she just 'sided' with me because H was also against her.
Maybe I was too harsh to her. I have often thought if I'd had the right response. She was very angry about it according to SIL. However, I feel at peace and am relieved I have stepped away from the toxicity of that family.
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I think you did the right thing SP. it would have been my boundary too.
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Thank you Kikki. It's been my real mental struggle lately. ie Did I do the right thing? I really feel I have to stand by what I believe and not join in the line of enablers. It's tough and I did cry when I knew we wouldn't catch up for a cup of tea and a chat any more.
I doubted myself after I shared this with my brother and he replied that I had 'threatened MIL or given her and ultimatum' ??? ??? I am still trying to look at myself and see how he would feel I did that?? I just told her I would find it difficult to continue seeing her while she was see H with OW.
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That is completely fair enough - your brother hasn't experienced this I assume? If so, he has no idea how it feels.
I read something the other day about us needing to get to the point where, not only do we not care about the negative opinions people have about us or what we do, but also we need to get to the point where we don't care about the positive opinions that people have about us or what we do.
While it is nice to be affirmed, what is most important is listening to our intuition, and what it is telling us.
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I havent gotten too much of this,mainly from my younger sister who booted her H out.He was a whole other story!
You just need to move on
Get out of the house.
f him
You should date(barf)
No one honestly has a clue what we go through.Ive given up telling anyone anymore info.Theres no point.
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Thank you Kikki. Yes, that's exactly what I want to be from now on. TRUE to MYSELF. Not trying to please people to win popularity points.
To Please others is good, but to do it as a gift for some one and not expect anything in return (such as popularity) and not when it is against what you believe.
These threads do help to see the absurdness of the remarks of others and not take them so personally. Helps towards 'detaching' .
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I was one whose SIL was very supportive for a long time; we are still on good terms (I think), however as she (more to the point, her H) has decided to accept OW (her words "I'm trying to get used to it") and they socialise with H and OW, I no longer call. And she doesn't call me.
I supported SIL through the death of their mother, there is a piece of me that feels that I was only kept round because I was useful for that (and even SIL said that H was useless), but then I thought about it and realised that I would have done so anyway. I was so glad that I could be with my MIL in her final hours.
So my parents-in-law have now both passed, and in the end my r with SIL is now petering out as well. She has always said that I am family, but since this latest OW has been 'accepted', I won't attend anything where OW goes, so de facto I'm not there any more. I did explain to her, so it's not like I just disappeared.
And my kids point blank refuse to be anywhere OW is.
SIL is trying to walk a tightrope, I understand that she's doing what she feels she needs to as a sister, but my kids right now aren't clamouring to see her either, although none of us could turn our backs. So we'll see.
I've heard all the 'usual' things from friends and other family, my brother is wonderfully supportive, though, even though he deplore's H's actions. But he supports ME, and that is what counts.
Friends are more and more seeing my point -- in the beginning I heard all the usual "move on" stuff, now they see that that doesn't solve anything, and perhaps they also don't see me as a threat to their own marriages, so that is all good again. They get what I say and what I'm doing.
We'll see what happens with SIL; I'm opting just to be patient and trust that it will all turn out as it should.
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Phew CB - detaching from those people sounds very wise. :-\
Yes, and that goes for all who experience it - like you said with SP
I think you did the right thing SP. it would have been my boundary too.
And mine.
The single most powerful thing that I've done for myself (aside from finding this forum :) ) since this whole crisis was to set and assert personal boundaries. I really do feel like I've got a protective shield around me now. When I get upset I know why and then I can do something about it. Wish I'd known how to do this much earlier on in life, but all good to start it now :)
cherryblossom - that is absolutely shocking!!!! I can't talk to inlaws either - They phone all jovial and completely ignore the mess and prefer to live in denial. Its me and my family who are being trampled over during this...its very unfair.
Yeh, pretty shocking what everyone's sharing. So many damaged people out there. The behaviour is hugely controlling too - it's effectively saying that you can't express how you feel. That's the message our MLC-ers must've gotten as kids - just don't talk about it :o
I read something the other day about us needing to get to the point where, not only do we not care about the negative opinions people have about us or what we do, but also we need to get to the point where we don't care about the positive opinions that people have about us or what we do.
While it is nice to be affirmed, what is most important is listening to our intuition, and what it is telling us.
I love that Kikki :) :) :)
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What's annoyed me most is when somebody has told me how my H must've been unhappy for years and keeping it to himself. Oh, is that so? This is a guy who did nothing but complain, constantly, and he used to even admit as much to me. He'd refer to himself as "Mr. Worst Case Scenario." If the food was not how he wanted or if other people weren't quite as enthusiastic about one of his big ideas as he'd expected them to be, he wasn't gracious and quiet about it. I'm telling you, it was not fun at all sometimes being married to a nitpicker who couldn't stand a bit of a glare on the tv, who couldn't sleep if the ceiling fan had a slight tick to it. He'd ask me, "How does THAT not BOTHER YOU?!?" So... THIS is the man who was able to stifle his disdain with me? Who soldiered on, silent in the depths of misery? Why?
For the kids we don't have? He didn't want to seem like a d-bag? Oh yeah riiiight.
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I dont know if my inlaws know that my H left the way he did.I thought of writing them and telling them,but thought nope Im not telling them anything.I did tell his two sisters,right in the beginning.I was closer to them than the parents.I only told them because I thought my H was totally crazy and was going to kill himself.I have had limited contact with one sister,but keep it brief.I am the one keeping my distance from them.She actually wished me a Happy Mothers Day. :)
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I would love to hear what the friends tell the MLCer.
Ive asked my H this is the past and he would get so p.....
I asked him what he told them and got no response.
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I know my MLCer tried to tell at least one friend that we had "parted amicably"; that didn't wash with those who knew us well, but who knows what he's told all his new friends, as he really doesn't see many people from before.
But back to the bystanders, I've had the experience that our patience pays off with them as well -- in the beginning my mother said "well, dear, you have time to have 25 years with someone else...", more recently she said that she was proud that she had a daughter with my values. She didn't get the idea of standing at all at first, but now looks at me differently. And I think others do as well.
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I had someone ask me if I was ok with "our"decision to separate.....I was like :o :o then I was like >:( >:(
When I told the person what really happened they were like :o :o >:( >:( >:(
Believe none of what an MLCr says.
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My BIL was going to invite o/w to his house on boxing day..............my cousin who is married to H's brother ..........rung BIL and told him not to expect her and his brother there.............she told him how discusted she was with him for not standing by me..............BIL rung me in a panic before my cousin did..............or so he thought............i already knew a bit before my cousin told me............he said my cousin had got her wires crossed that he was not inviting o/w he said he didn't know what he would do if o/w turned up with h............i told BIL i know h will not turn up with her.......that he will decline the invite..........however i also said that if he did invite her not Only was he disrespecting me but his nephew and niece...........i said can you imagine what that would do to the kids knowing the woman who helped destroy their family was now being allowed to celebrare Xmas with the people who should be standing up for them.............i told him i was their for his mum when FIL did this......i said how would you have felt if i had turned my back on your mum and then invited your dad and his wh*rer to my house..............he agreed with me and apologised if i was misinformed.......I'm lucky that the whole of H's family want nothing to do with o/w.............there is only one person who wants me to move on out of my family friends an h's freinds and that is my EX-SIL and i think thats because it happened to her but she soon moved on and is now remarried xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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"He just doesn't want to be married. It has nothing to do with you!" :o
"You are just too overpowering a personality. You need someone more your equal."
Those are two I remember. The rest have kind of faded in my memory.
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Yeh, pretty shocking what everyone's sharing. So many damaged people out there. The behaviour is hugely controlling too - it's effectively saying that you can't express how you feel. That's the message our MLC-ers must've gotten as kids - just don't talk about it :o
YEP CB. My SIL told me that's EXACTLY how she and her brothers were brought up. Their mum got her way and their dad just enabled her no matter whether she was out of control or not. The kids were not allowed to express emotion or feelings. Dare not upset her!!
And it's still like that today. Do not upset her. FIL passed away a few years ago. He just told the kids 'Don't upset your mother. Keep the peace' etc.
During our marriage when I was upset and even when I discovered exH with an OW etc, I was NOT allowed to express any emotion without being called a 'nutcase'.
exH also told family and friends that WE decided to separate and that WE tried counseling but it didn't work. Divorce busting has a very good article on the reasons why marriage counseling does not work in some situations.
WGH, Thank you for posting your stance and you're in-laws stance regarding the OW. I am so frustrated with people telling me that we need to accept OW's in order to move on, not be bitter, forgive etc. I know now that I can forgive H without having to enable and accept his wrongdoing . Jesus never said "your sins are forgiven, keep doing them"
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During our marriage when I was upset and even when I discovered exH with an OW etc, I was NOT allowed to express any emotion without being called a 'nutcase'.
This sounds familiar SP.
I remember telling my MIL 14 years ago how devastated I was feeling about my lovely Dad's death - and on the other end I received - silence! I couldn't believe it. Assumed she hadn't heard me. Repeated myself - and received - silence! It was then that I realised that this woman was not capable of normal anything.
A few months after BD, my H was travelling with the OW and hid her at the local shops while he visited his mother for an hour. I phoned my MIL to see how the visit went, and she insisted he was completely normal. I said, yes I realise he is putting an act on in front of other people, but this is what the boys and I are experiencing, and it is so out of character for him. Something is not right.
She said 'oh you've ruined it now. I'm a lonely old lady and I had a lovely visit from my son' :o :o :o
Needless to say things have not really improved between us since then, even though I was a massive support for her when her youngest son monstered at her a few years earlier (MLC I now realise, although he didn't have a family to upset - aimed it all at her).
Toxic, toxic, toxic - stand well back.
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Oh Kikki,
The more we all post on this forum the more and more alike our stories are.
I have kept copies of all the texts, even the copy of the nasty one the first OW sent me which H sent to her. Just in case anyone ever 'doubts' the way he behaves to us instead of them. Typical abuser style. I bet H is being such a 'lovely' boy for his mum and they have 'lovely' dinners together with OW2 and the kids.
We supported MIL and FIL also while BIL was estranged from the family for most of our marriage. I heard from SIL that she now sides with exH over things against SIL. She is back to 'pampering' and enabling her baby boy it seems.
She also did not want me to spoil her reunion with her son. Glad as I was that exH finally contacted his mum again, I was not going to join with her in accepting the new women in his life.
Yep, the toxicity is evident and I intend to keep well clear from now on.
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During our marriage when I was upset and even when I discovered exH with an OW etc, I was NOT allowed to express any emotion without being called a 'nutcase'.
This sounds familiar SP.
I remember telling my MIL 14 years ago how devastated I was feeling about my lovely Dad's death - and on the other end I received - silence! I couldn't believe it. Assumed she hadn't heard me. Repeated myself - and received - silence! It was then that I realised that this woman was not capable of normal anything.
SP and Kikki - that is awful :( To be incapable of saying something - the silence :o Just so awful. And those people who are unable to deal with emotions often label ALL emotions are craziness.
During counselling sessions Mr CB would laugh about my "Going nuts" as he called it. Relaying my craziness to the counsellor by referencing me throwing some magazines off a table and slamming a few doors. And of course that's not very mature but I'm glad I let my emotions out.
2 months after BD I got this
FIL: Now, you don't want to be one of these women who are always crying and looking pathetic :o
x
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CB........looks like we have put our finger on another common trait amongst MLCers. No Emotion allowed!
........ And those people who are unable to deal with emotions often label ALL emotions are craziness.
During counselling sessions Mr CB would laugh about my "Going nuts" as he called it. Relaying my craziness to the counsellor by referencing me throwing some magazines off a table and slamming a few doors. And of course that's not very mature but I'm glad I let my emotions out.
YEP, I am not proud of the way or manner in which I always responded to H. But did it ever occur to him I was genuinely upset about something?? No, we are just plain crazy to them. I think slamming a door is a far healthier way of dealing with emotions than pursuing another person outside your marriage!
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I think it's more than No Emotion Allowed sometimes. I think some of them enjoy when we lose control--it plays into what they want. I know I was subtly and sometimes not so subtly taunted and played so I would be upset and he then felt justified to not live with me. Also, they are out of control and feeling horrible things, so why shouldn't they want us to do the same? Two birds with one stone.
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I think it's more than No Emotion Allowed sometimes. I think some of them enjoy when we lose control--it plays into what they want. I know I was subtly and sometimes not so subtly taunted and played so I would be upset and he then felt justified to not live with me. Also, they are out of control and feeling horrible things, so why shouldn't they want us to do the same? Two birds with one stone.
Oh Yes, totally agree. They do certainly bait and then blame.
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I think it's more than No Emotion Allowed sometimes. I think some of them enjoy when we lose control--it plays into what they want. I know I was subtly and sometimes not so subtly taunted and played so I would be upset and he then felt justified to not live with me. Also, they are out of control and feeling horrible things, so why shouldn't they want us to do the same? Two birds with one stone.
Oh Yes, totally agree. They do certainly bait and then blame.
Yes, good point Reinventing - the baiting and goading is also very Script...