[Slow Fade]

I had someone ask me if I was ok with "our"decision to separate.....I was like  then I was like 

When I told the person what really happened they were like 

Believe none of what an MLCr says.

[With Gods Help!]

My BIL was going to invite o/w to his house on boxing day..............my cousin who is married to H's brother ..........rung BIL and told him not to expect her and his brother there.............she told him how discusted she was with him for not standing by me..............BIL rung me in a panic before my cousin did..............or so he thought............i already knew a bit before my cousin told me............he said my cousin had got her wires crossed that he was not inviting o/w he said he didn't know what he would do if o/w turned up with h............i told BIL i know h will not turn up with her.......that he will decline the invite..........however i also said that if he did invite her not Only was he disrespecting me but his nephew and niece...........i said can you imagine what that would do to the kids knowing the woman who helped destroy their family was now being allowed to celebrare Xmas with the people who should be standing up for them.............i told him i was their for his mum when FIL did this......i said how would you have felt if i had turned my back on your mum and then invited your dad and his wh*rer to my house..............he agreed with me and apologised if i was misinformed.......I'm lucky that the whole of H's family want nothing to do with o/w.............there is only one person who wants me to move on out of my family friends an h's freinds and that is my EX-SIL and i think thats because it happened to her but she soon moved on and is now remarried xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[JD]

"He just doesn't want to be married.  It has nothing to do with you!"   
"You are just too overpowering a personality. You need someone more your equal."

Those are two I remember.  The rest have kind of faded in my memory.

[Stillpraying]

Yeh, pretty shocking what everyone's sharing.  So many damaged people out there.  The behaviour is hugely controlling too - it's effectively saying that you can't express how you feel.  That's the message our MLC-ers must've gotten as kids - just don't talk about it 

YEP CB.  My SIL told me that's EXACTLY how she and her brothers were brought up.  Their mum got her way and their dad just enabled her no matter whether she was  out of control or not.  The kids were not allowed to express emotion or feelings.  Dare not upset her!!

And it's still like that today.  Do not upset her.  FIL passed away a few years ago.  He just told the kids 'Don't upset your mother.  Keep the peace'  etc.

During our marriage when I was upset and even when I discovered exH with an OW etc, I was NOT allowed to express any emotion without being called a 'nutcase'.

exH also told family and friends that WE decided to separate and that WE tried counseling but it didn't work.  Divorce busting has a very good article on the reasons why marriage counseling does not work in some situations.

WGH, Thank you for posting your stance and you're in-laws stance regarding the OW.  I am so frustrated with people telling me that we need to accept OW's in order to move on, not be bitter, forgive etc.  I know now that I can forgive H without having to enable and accept his wrongdoing .  Jesus never said "your sins are forgiven, keep doing them"

[kikki]

During our marriage when I was upset and even when I discovered exH with an OW etc, I was NOT allowed to express any emotion without being called a 'nutcase'.

This sounds familiar SP. 
I remember telling my MIL 14 years ago how devastated I was feeling about my lovely Dad's death - and on the other end I received - silence!  I couldn't believe it.  Assumed she hadn't heard me.  Repeated myself - and received - silence!  It was then that I realised that this woman was not capable of normal anything.

A few months after BD, my H was travelling with the OW and hid her at the local shops while he visited his mother for an hour.  I phoned my MIL to see how the visit went, and she insisted he was completely normal.  I said, yes I realise he is putting an act on in front of other people, but this is what the boys and I are experiencing, and it is so out of character for him.  Something is not right.

She said 'oh you've ruined it now.  I'm a lonely old lady and I had a lovely visit from my son' 

Needless to say things have not really improved between us since then, even though I was a massive support for her when her youngest son monstered at her a few years earlier (MLC I now realise, although he didn't have a family to upset - aimed it all at her). 

Toxic, toxic, toxic - stand well back. 

[Stillpraying]

Oh Kikki,
The more we all post on this forum the more and more alike our stories are.

I have kept copies of all the texts, even the copy of the nasty one the first OW sent me which H sent to her.  Just in case anyone ever 'doubts' the way he behaves to us instead of them.  Typical abuser style.  I bet H is being such a 'lovely' boy for his mum and they have 'lovely' dinners together with OW2 and the kids.

We supported MIL and FIL also while BIL was estranged from the family for most of our marriage.  I heard from SIL that she now sides with exH over things against SIL.  She is back to 'pampering' and enabling her baby boy it seems.
She also did not want me to spoil her reunion with her son.  Glad as I was that exH finally contacted his mum again, I was not going to join with her in accepting the new women in his life.

Yep, the toxicity is evident and I intend to keep well clear from now on.

[cherryblossom]

During our marriage when I was upset and even when I discovered exH with an OW etc, I was NOT allowed to express any emotion without being called a 'nutcase'.

This sounds familiar SP. 
I remember telling my MIL 14 years ago how devastated I was feeling about my lovely Dad's death - and on the other end I received - silence!  I couldn't believe it.  Assumed she hadn't heard me.  Repeated myself - and received - silence!  It was then that I realised that this woman was not capable of normal anything.

SP and Kikki - that is awful    To be incapable of saying something - the silence    Just so awful.  And those people who are unable to deal with emotions often label ALL emotions are craziness.

During counselling sessions Mr CB would laugh about my "Going nuts" as he called it. Relaying my craziness to the counsellor by referencing me throwing some magazines off a table and slamming a few doors.  And of course that's not very mature but I'm glad I let my emotions out.

2 months after BD I got this
FIL: Now, you don't want to be one of these women who are always crying and looking pathetic 

x

[Stillpraying]

CB........looks like we have put our finger on another common trait amongst MLCers.  No Emotion allowed!

........  And those people who are unable to deal with emotions often label ALL emotions are craziness.

During counselling sessions Mr CB would laugh about my "Going nuts" as he called it. Relaying my craziness to the counsellor by referencing me throwing some magazines off a table and slamming a few doors.  And of course that's not very mature but I'm glad I let my emotions out.
 

YEP, I am not proud of the way or manner in which I always responded to H.  But did it ever occur to him I was genuinely upset about something??  No, we are just plain crazy to them.  I think slamming a door is a far healthier way of dealing with emotions than pursuing another person outside your marriage!

[Reinventing]

I think it's more than No Emotion Allowed sometimes. I think some of them enjoy when we lose control--it plays into what they want. I know I was subtly and sometimes not so subtly taunted and played so I would be upset and he then felt justified to not live with me.  Also, they are out of control and feeling horrible things, so why shouldn't they want us to do the same? Two birds with one stone.

[Stillpraying]

I think it's more than No Emotion Allowed sometimes. I think some of them enjoy when we lose control--it plays into what they want. I know I was subtly and sometimes not so subtly taunted and played so I would be upset and he then felt justified to not live with me.  Also, they are out of control and feeling horrible things, so why shouldn't they want us to do the same? Two birds with one stone.

Oh Yes, totally agree.  They do certainly bait and then blame.