[Stillpraying]

Thank you Kikki.  It's been my real mental struggle lately.  ie Did I do the right thing?  I really feel I have to stand by what I believe and  not join in the line of enablers.  It's tough and  I did cry when I knew we wouldn't catch up for a cup of tea and a chat any more.

I doubted myself after I shared this with my brother and he replied that I had 'threatened MIL or given her and ultimatum'   I am still trying to look at myself and see how he would feel I did that??  I just told her I would find it difficult to continue seeing her while she was see H with OW.

[kikki]

That is completely fair enough - your brother hasn't experienced this I assume?  If so, he has no idea how it feels.   

I read something the other day about us needing to get to the point where, not only do we not care about the negative opinions people have about us or what we do, but also we need to get to the point where we don't care about the positive opinions that people have about us or what we do.

While it is nice to be affirmed, what is most important is listening to our intuition, and what it is telling us. 

[riverbirch]

I havent gotten too much of this,mainly from my younger sister who booted her H out.He was a whole other story!

You just need to move on
Get out of the house.
f him
You should date(barf)

No one honestly has a clue what we go through.Ive given up telling anyone anymore info.Theres no point.

[Stillpraying]

Thank you Kikki.  Yes, that's exactly what I want to be from now on.  TRUE to MYSELF.  Not trying to please people to win popularity points.

To Please others is good, but to do it as a gift for some one and not expect anything in return (such as popularity) and not when it is against what you believe.

These threads do help to see the absurdness of the remarks of others and not take them so personally.  Helps towards 'detaching' .

[Trustandlove]

I was one whose SIL was very supportive for a long time; we are still on good terms (I think), however as she (more to the point, her H) has decided to accept OW (her words "I'm trying to get used to it") and they socialise with H and OW, I no longer call.  And she doesn't call me.

I supported SIL through the death of their mother, there is a piece of me that feels that I was only kept round because I was useful for that (and even SIL said that H was useless), but then I thought about it and realised that I would have done so anyway.    I was so glad that I could be with my MIL in her final hours. 

So my parents-in-law have now both passed, and in the end my r with SIL is now petering out as well.  She has always said that I am family, but since this latest OW has been 'accepted', I won't attend anything where OW goes, so de facto I'm not there any more.  I did explain to her, so it's not like I just disappeared. 

And my kids point blank refuse to be anywhere OW is. 

SIL is trying to walk a tightrope, I understand that she's doing what she feels she needs to as a sister, but my kids right now aren't clamouring to see her either, although none of us could turn our backs.  So we'll see. 

I've heard all the 'usual' things from friends and other family, my brother is wonderfully supportive, though, even though he deplore's H's actions.  But he supports ME, and that is what counts.

Friends are more and more seeing my point -- in the beginning I heard all the usual "move on" stuff, now they see that that doesn't solve anything, and perhaps they also don't see me as a threat to their own marriages, so that is all good again.  They get what I say and what I'm doing. 

We'll see what happens with SIL; I'm opting just to be patient and trust that it will all turn out as it should. 

[cherryblossom]

Phew CB - detaching from those people sounds very wise.   

Yes, and that goes for all who experience it - like you said with SP

I think you did the right thing SP.  it would have been my boundary too.

And mine.

The single most powerful thing that I've done for myself (aside from finding this forum  ) since this whole crisis was to set and assert personal boundaries.  I really do feel like I've got a protective shield around me now.  When I get upset I know why and then I can do something about it.  Wish I'd known how to do this much earlier on in life, but all good to start it now 

cherryblossom - that is absolutely shocking!!!!    I can't talk to inlaws either - They phone all jovial and completely ignore the mess and prefer to live in denial.   Its me and my family who are being trampled over during this...its very unfair.

Yeh, pretty shocking what everyone's sharing.  So many damaged people out there.  The behaviour is hugely controlling too - it's effectively saying that you can't express how you feel.  That's the message our MLC-ers must've gotten as kids - just don't talk about it 

I read something the other day about us needing to get to the point where, not only do we not care about the negative opinions people have about us or what we do, but also we need to get to the point where we don't care about the positive opinions that people have about us or what we do.

While it is nice to be affirmed, what is most important is listening to our intuition, and what it is telling us. 

I love that Kikki 

[Wed2Him?Whatever.]

What's annoyed me most is when somebody has told me how my H must've been unhappy for years and keeping it to himself.  Oh, is that so?  This is a guy who did nothing but complain, constantly, and he used to even admit as much to me.  He'd refer to himself as "Mr. Worst Case Scenario."  If the food was not how he wanted or if other people weren't quite as enthusiastic about one of his big ideas as he'd expected them to be, he wasn't gracious and quiet about it.  I'm telling you, it was not fun at all sometimes being married to a nitpicker who couldn't stand a bit of a glare on the tv, who couldn't sleep if the ceiling fan had a slight tick to it.  He'd ask me, "How does THAT not BOTHER YOU?!?"  So... THIS is the man who was able to stifle his disdain with me?  Who soldiered on, silent in the depths of misery?  Why?
For the kids we don't have?  He didn't want to seem like a d-bag?  Oh yeah riiiight.

[riverbirch]

I dont know if my inlaws know that my H left the way he did.I thought of writing them and telling them,but thought nope Im not telling them anything.I did tell his two sisters,right in the beginning.I was closer to them than the parents.I only told them because I thought my H was totally crazy and was going to kill himself.I have had limited contact with one sister,but keep it brief.I am the one keeping my distance from them.She actually wished me a Happy Mothers Day.

[riverbirch]

I would love to hear what the friends tell the MLCer.
Ive asked my H this is the past and he would get so p.....
I asked him what he told them and got no response.

[Trustandlove]

I know my MLCer tried to tell at least one friend that we had "parted amicably"; that didn't wash with those who knew us well, but who knows what he's told all his new friends, as he really doesn't see many people from before.

But back to the bystanders, I've had the experience that our patience pays off with them as well -- in the beginning my mother said "well, dear, you have time to have 25 years with someone else...", more recently she said that she was proud that she had a daughter with my values.    She didn't get the idea of standing at all at first, but now looks at me differently.  And I think others do as well.