Midlife Crisis: Support for Left Behind Spouses
Archives => Archived Topics => Topic started by: Thundarr on October 04, 2016, 11:38:42 AM
-
Okay, here goes. Those who know me are well aware that I would prefer asking forgiveness over asking permission so I'm starting this thread for all those here who would like the discuss the pitfalls of the dating world for those of us who have not been out in it since the 80's or early 90's. It's definitely a different world out there and the age-old ways of meeting a new mate have fallen by the wayside in favor of online, distance and speed dating. Some of the things we can discuss here are funny experiences in dating, advice from the opposite sex on what works and doesn't work on dating site profiles, advice on starting and carrying on conversations with the opposite sex and potential red flags to look for in dating partners among many other things. I have a feeling this thread will take on a life of its own and could potentially be one of if not the most active one on HS.
Okay, GO!!!!!!
-
I'll start out. I'm finding dating sites to be an incredible social experiment in what garners profile views and what does not. Over the weekend I experimented by making a rock climbing pic my profile pic and instantly had more people view my profile than any time before. My response rate from initial messages also went way up and I even received two phone numbers overnight when I had brief discussions with posters when I got up for the restroom on two different occasions. I'm not expecting either to turn into anything as one is too far away and the other may not have much in common with me, but one texted me a good morning message and I'm getting ready to contact the other. Both are widows and I know one of the H's died of natural causes, so neither will understand my experience of having the mother of my kids abandon us but I in turn will not know what their journey is like. Pretty exciting, honestly.
So, a question for the ladies here. What kind of opening message is preferable? I know you shouldn't just say, "Hi" or "Hello there" but how much is the right amount and how much is too much? Can you give examples of messages that have caught your eye? And what about profile pics? Thoughts?
-
Not sure how to advise you regarding dating apps - as they scare the heck out of me.
But I can advise against certain pick-up lines....
"Hey baby - you come here often?" ::)
geeze - I didnt think people really said that but they do.
"So what is your zodiac sign?" ::) ::) ::)
Really? how 1970s!
I would also steer clear on endearing terms with a complete stranger...
- Honey
- Babe
and
-Sugar
come to mind.
Offering to buy a lady a drink is still acceptable in my world.
Asking about what they do for a living also works in NYC where almost no one is a stay at home person.
Dicey but occassionally intersting topics include -
Presidential elections
Gun control
Drug enforcement laws.
I find these topics weed out the people rather quickly ;)
-
I am months away from dating but I think most women want your tone to seem sincere yet a bit funny. Like with most things if you reap what you sow. If you want a nice woman act like a nice guy. I'll be interested in hearing tips on what men want to hear!
-
My current boyfriend tapped me on the shoulder and just simply said " I think you're the prettiest girl in here".
It worked.
On dating sites he wrote " chubby is ok"
He was buried with responses. ;D
I think so many people have unrealistic expectations on those sites. Keep it simple, it's only dating. No marriage proposals just yet.
-
I know the "sign thing" sounds kind of teen age. In the research I've done ( and dealt with a flesh and blood person that's dead on in description) there is one sign for sure ( maybe two) I would not date.
I'm still thinking I may run into someone I find interesting in RL. It hasn't happened yet.
The one guy I met walked right up to me sat down and said "Can I ask you something?" and I said "Go ahead" he said "Are you married?" I said "No. I am not" and then we had a conversation. Direct works for me.
I don't think I'll get into any online meeting sites. I probably wouldn't get married again.
-
After a few strange "encounters" on a dating site, I was fortunate enough to meet my current bf, Big B. I messaged him initially, simply telling him whathat a great smile he had...and it has been lighting up my days for 4 months now.
I knew early on in whatever was happening with my now xh, that I was not going to be treated any less than I deserved, so I honestly didn't waste much time even thinking about standing. Finding a real, honest and lasting partnership is my end goal, and so far, Big B has been a bright spot. He calls me each evening, and texts me every morning....just to see how my day is going. He is focused on me and my well being, and if the conversation goes toward him, it's because I steer it that way. Completely different than the jerks who couldn't wait to divorce me and lied all the while firetrucking his boss. To say I am happy where I am now would be an understatement. Had my xh never shown his real self, I wouldn't be able to know what a real and true R is supposed to be.
-
Some of us haven't dated since the 70's. I'm reading along because I have an academic interest in the topic, I find it somewhat entertaining, and it truly does reaffirm my commitment to stand. Better the devil you know or something like that.
I'll be interested in hearing tips on what men want to hear!
I suspect for most guys "Hello" would be enough.
-
I cannot speak much about dating sites. I did join one a couple of months after BD out of anger. However at that time I was still grieving so badly. It got quite annoying because even though I put in my preferences it kept matching me up with the exact opposite of my preferences. So quite quickly I did away with online dating apps.
The first man that I had any interaction with was someone I have known for 22 years. He went through a very traumatic and difficult end to his marriage, so he could for sure relate. He was and is a great guy, but it just never went anywhere. We spent many hours having awesome conversations, and truly enjoyed each other's company. He is my stepdad's best friend so I honestly think the reason it never went further was because of that. Had we ever had problems it could have been difficult for a friendship that he has had most of his life. I get that, and respect it completely.
My current BF I met at my part time 2nd job working at a local gym. I had been working there for about 6 months, and never knew he was interested. Apparently he had been for a while, but he was just always his normal sweet self. I would talk, and have fun conversations with him just like any other gym members. Then all of a sudden one time we were talking and something just clicked, and I knew he was interested. It was nothing major, and I cannot even really put my finger on it.
Anyway my best advice is to always be yourself. Just be YOU, and enjoy meeting new people without expectations.
-
Great responses, guys! Now how about some more 1st message tips from the ladies. Is it best to use their name in the first message if they have it in their profile? Give some other examples of great opening messages, please. Also, what about profile pics. Selfies or full-body shots? Activities such as playing guitar, rock climbing etc? I recently changed my main pic to one of rock climbing and several who had ignored previous messages started replying or contacting me. The pics weren't even of me but they weren't lies either as I had climbed at this place on 3 different occasions. I just didn't have any pics on my phone of when I did.
-
The pics need to be real and they need to be you.
I like activity ones, shows the guy is fun.
A beefcake posing in the mirror holding his phone gets an immediate "no".
I'd prefer a guy that doesn't have a perfect body who is smiling and looks like he is fun to be around. Guys with dogs or any kind of pet gets a leg up too.
Btw... I never did dating sites for myself but often looked with a friend. I have several friends that used dating sites and met the person they married from them. Looks like fun, I just never did it.
-
Ok - I have had some "reactions" to looking at online dating pictures etc.
These are only my impressions about dating apps I have seen with friends who use them.
I have no personal experience using them - so you may want to disregard my comments considering that thought.
The pictures.
Here are some of the mistakes I have seen that simple were turn offs.
- Pictures with another woman that is obviously a date.
If you have another woman in there - it better be your MOM. ;D
- Pictures you take in a public men's room in the mirror.
I kid you not - I have seen pictures where you see bathroom stalls or urinals in the background - gross.
- Pictures that are not of you - or are not current.
No picture should be more than a year old and most pictures should be even more current.
(The exception is if you have a picture accepting a nobel prize from years ago - then simply make sure you explain when the picture was taken.)
- If you don't like the way you look physically - work on it before you post pictures.
But truth in advertising absolutely counts here.
I have seen people I know posting pictures from 10 years ago.
Please - if that is the last time you looked good - give it up.
While we are at it - you need full length pictures.
What do you look like standing up?
- Pictures that have you posing next to a red convertable or othe some such sports car.
Even if you have one - it screams MLC.
- Pictures that only show you in a hat.
If you have no hair - you are better off with the truth in advertising.
- Stating what your current interets are.
What do you do now - not 10 years ago.
Thundarr - are you rock climbing now?
If you are - then you need a picture of yourself climbing - if not - then skip this.
Being vague - making statements like - I am a great guy - says nothing.
You want to show what is unique about you.
If you really like sports - then post that.
Personally I am not interested in sports at all -
so a football fanatic will not catch my interest - but might be of great interest to others.
- Include references to any clubs or organizations you belong to.
The Kayaking club, the wine tasters club etc. Show your interests and your expertice.
You can sometimes include what books and movies you liked.
I find this especially interesting as I like rather eclectic stuff - so my interest is peaked if someone shares my tastes in movies - literature.
-
So, a question for the ladies here. What kind of opening message is preferable? I know you shouldn't just say, "Hi" or "Hello there" but how much is the right amount and how much is too much? Can you give examples of messages that have caught your eye? And what about profile pics? Thoughts?
Personally, the guys that say "Hi" or "Hello there" don't usually get very far. If I am interested, I will respond and see if they actually engage in a conversation.
I have noticed that the guys that I hit it off with are the ones that say more than "Hi" in their message and are genuine. So many start with these cheesy pick up lines - maybe they work for some woman but they make me run the other way.
A short message that shows me a little about who the guy is goes a long way. If the guy can't put a sentence together, I am going to be bored.
Here is the initial message I got from a guy that I have been talking to for a few weeks now:
"Hello my name is XXXX. I'm looking for a woman who is open to developing a real connection. Your profile caught my attention so I thought I would say hi. I'm a professional that works in healthcare and I would like to get to know more about you. Been in Cali for 9 yrs now. No children and never been married. Originally from Boston I'm fun spontaneous and intelligent. So don't be shy say hello and make a new friend and possibly more."
Hope that helps. I have more examples if you want to see them.
-
File this under general advice as I dont do online dating... You will be happier stating what you want rather than what you think someone wants to hear. Be yourself and if you dont like what/who you are attracting, take a time out and work on yourself. Also, think about how someone will respond if you misrepresent yourself online then meet in person. Put your best foot forward, but it better be your foot (picture). Taking the time to meet someone in person only to find out they are nothing like their profile would be a complete waste of my time.
Some of the reasons I haven't used dating apps:
1. Ive seen pics of women I know on fb that look nothing like them. The right camera angle changes everything.
2. I have female friends that use the chats when they are "bored" with zero intention of ever meeting the guy.
3. I enjoy the spontaneity of meeting someone in person, feeling a connection and asking her out.
4. Ok, this is not about looks but the entire package... The highest quality women I know personally are not using dating apps. By "quality" i mean the combination of looks, personality, ambition etc. Qualities that I personally find attractive.
All of that said, i have 2 close friends who are in ltr with people they met on an app. It can work and I do see the benefits, its just not my style. My observation of both those couples is they were in "need" of finding a partner after unwanted break ups. My view on one is that she settled, the guy doesnt have a job and plays lots of video games. The other, they seem to be a good match and are getting married this month.
-
I'd prefer a guy that doesn't have a perfect body who is smiling and looks like he is fun to be around. Guys with dogs or any kind of pet gets a leg up too.
Nah, does this mean you'd pass on the guy with the perfect body who is smiling and owns a dog? And I'm wondering if that comment about the dog and the leg up is an intentional pun?
I was happy to read what DJ posted. My opinion is that you would be better served to focus on what you think is important for them to know about you than to try to tell them what you think they want to hear. It might decrease your response rate but increase your success rate.
One of my best friends has been married for more than 10 years to a woman he met on a dating site. Ironically, when I told them what I was going through with my wife, my friend's wife said that's exactly what she went through with her first husband. It was like I'd solved a mystery for her. She knew nothing about MLC and didn't have a clue what had happened with her first husband but she's Catholic and didn't start dating until about 5 years after her BD. She met my friend online a few months after that. I have a lot of respect for her. She wouldn't let my friend meet her children until they had been dating for six months and had become seriously involved.
I'll stop polluting the dating thread now with talk about MLC. :D
-
I'd prefer a guy that doesn't have a perfect body who is smiling and looks like he is fun to be around. Guys with dogs or any kind of pet gets a leg up too.
Nah, does this mean you'd pass on the guy with the perfect body who is smiling and owns a dog? And I'm wondering if that comment about the dog and the leg up is an intentional pun?
Lol.... not intentional.
...and I would take the smiling, perfect body dog guy. I just pass on the toolbags that focus ONLY on their body.
-
Searching, by all means please share more good intro messages!
-
I recently discovered a new site that should fit the bill perfectly for meeting new friends and dating partners who are actually mature. It's called AdultFriendFinder.com and I'll be checking it out later. No more adolescent BS.
-
I tried online... All I got were dirty messages, totally inappropriate pics, and a whole lotta liars!!!! I went out with several people and none were worth my time. I didn't even know people really sent pics like that. Soooooo out of my league!!! Certain paid sites are a total waste of time and money. I tried an app, that was even worse than the paid site!!!
Had a friend that set me up, I call him mr Mexico. We had a lot of fun but he had a psycho ex wife and 3 small children. I'm an empty nester who loves other people's children for a living... They weren't the issue,the psycho ex pushed me too far. He totally understood...
Met my duke 5 years ago. We teach together. Just friends for years.. Then when he learned of the divorce, actively pursued and wooed me.. Old school, big time!!! No pick up lines, no bull to wade through, just prue open honesty.. He waited a long time for me. He told me that on my first day at our school, he told another teacher, that one will be my wife. Here we are 5 years later and yep, one day I will be. I've never been loved like this, I'm so very lucky and blessed!!!
My advice, be honest in any profile and pictures. It's amazing what happens when you stop looking. I most certainly wasn't and BAM, hit me out of nowhere!!!
-
I tried a few online sites shortly after bomb drop and I found that the free sites were basically people looking for sex and not a real relationship. I did try a paid site and I did meet a few nice guys there that said they were looking for friendship and possibly something more long-term.
I was attracted to the guys that looked happy and natural in their pictures, not the gym rats or guys that had only selfies for pics and no outside or pictures of them doing stuff. I like the guys that had animals too, that made me think they cared about things other than themselves. I definitely liked the guys that were honest, friendly and FUNNY(that was a big one for me). The funny profile comments are what made me leave them a message.
-
Funny works for me too.
I love to laugh and I think it helps your brain and mind reset to a more content, relaxed state. It's a great stress reliever.
-
Bump for GoodHusband and others.
-
Searching, by all means please share more good intro messages!
Here is another example for you:
Hello there-
It's a pleasure to meet you. I have lots of creative interests. It keeps the brain awake. I am obsessed with improv and comedy podcasting. I like to make people laugh and think.
I like going out to see live music as well and dancing.
I enjoy traveling and will be making my 5th trip to Maui next weekend. New cities are fun as well, exploring places you have never been can be a rush.
I was an entertainment journalist for 30 years and now in my latest career working at XXXX for 10 years in their Legal department.
I really enjoyed your pictures. You are very pretty.
Where is the last place you went on a good road trip? What are some of your favorite movies?
Check out my profile and hopefully I will hear from you.
Have a great day,
XXXXX
-
Dating/relationships should be fun and easy, especially in the beginning. What you have with RG doesnt sound like either of those things.
-
I recently discovered a new site that should fit the bill perfectly for meeting new friends and dating partners who are actually mature. It's called AdultFriendFinder.com and I'll be checking it out later. No more adolescent BS.
You were being sarcastic, right? I took this literally and checked out the link. Let me save everyone else the drama in case your kids are in the room: it's a sex and swinger community.
-
Gasps! I clicked it too, just to be nosy. Depending on what you're looking for, I wouldn't go there to find a decent R. Oh mi oh my!
-
Yes, Ready2, I was trying to be funny there. AFF may be just the place for some depending on what you're looking for, but I wouldn't expect to find many there that you'd want to take home to meet your kids or parents.
DJ, what I have going with RG is actually pretty fun and I'm debating on whether it could be even more so. I think convenience is the biggest selling point as I know when she's free and when she's not, and those times are pretty well in stone. Not sure of relationship potential but it IS nice to have a coffee/ dinner date that I can count on AND who's more than happy to take turns footing the bill. Plus, I've never been to California.....
-
Dating sites, all I can say Is Ohh Lord!!! well that's not all I can say! lol.yes I tried it for about 6 months and it was a total disaster!! I didn't know what to expect, but I didn't expect that much crazy,
The one thing I noticed is a lot of men wear their sun glasses.....that's a no no.eye are the windows to the Soul, so they cover a lot of the cray cray up!! IMHO.
Ive met a few guys the old fashioned way,and ill take that ANY day over a dating site. I was thinking maybe I was on the wrong one, but after 3..... UGHHHH they were all the same. although one in particular was extremely severe as far as Married men (MLC?) and Durty Pics Galore..
Hey single aint looking too bad at this point.i think most of us suffer from lack of Human touch. my daughter sometimes gives me a huge hug out of the blue, SHe says she can fell my sadness and knows I need a good ole hug.
Shes right.
-
I am not a covenant stander. I am a stander in the sense "what if". If it is meant to be with H then so be. If it is meant to be with someone more wonderful, then so be. My thought is if H is getting some then why shouldn't I? My H rejected sex, love, affection, even simple holding hands for nearly two years. He did a number on my self-esteem. I have a high sex drive and H was the lousiest lover I ever had. With me, he refused to treat his erectile dysfunction but is now using Cialis/Viagra with OW (I got a lovely letter in the mail that his prescription was approved).
I will admit that I had a one night stand exactly one month post-BD. It was an unusual opportunity at a recovery campout. I was hesitant at first but am glad I relented as it was an incredible evening. He was considerably younger and viral which was awesome because of H's ED. I was reminded that I AM desirable and I NEED intimacy/human touch in my life, something my H tried to convince me I could live without. I don't know if H wakes up from MLC if he will EVER be capable of that. If he isn't, we will never work out. I refuse to ever be in a loveless relationship ever again. I deserve so much more and since BD am looking awesome. I am 47 but everyone thinks I am 37.
I had zero regrets about that experience. The one night stand guy tried texting, well sexting, with me, but I shut him down. He seemed ok about it. It felt empowering to get what I wanted from the situation and leave it be. I have been perusing online dating sites but have found zero potential dates. I really am not ready anyways. I'm still in grief mode and it wouldn't be fair to bring that into a date. But I do look and sometimes respond to messages. My radar is off the charts as a result of MLC. I can spot a liar, phony, jerk a mile away. Call it my Godly intuition. I personally feel if I am supposed to end up with someone other than my H, he will most likely be found through my 12 step program, consulting and volunteer work, or through friends.
So why do I subscribe to online dating? I don't know. Boredom? Loneliness? Sometimes it takes my mind off H and OW. Sometimes I have hope I can just hook up again. Just for today, I'm not really interested in anything that would impede my personal growth. It feels great. I feel very empowered and won't settle for anything less than what I truly deserve.
If you do online dating:
--Beware the guy in shirtless photos (yuck).
--Don't engage with anyone who is very vague about their life and won't answer questions. I was conversing with a guy and once I got his email, I found him on Facebook only to find he was clearly in a relationship. He was also a cop and wouldn't answer my questions.
--Set your search criteria (age, physical type, income, education, etc.) to exactly what you want (don't settle for just anyone).
--Insist on recent photos--make them send you recent photos in a private message. One guy sent a photo and he was 100 lbs heavier than in his profile photo.
--Be leary of "separated" status. That could mean just about anything.
--Ignore the person who is "online" constantly. Some people are truly addicted to dating sites.
--If you don't want H/W to know you are dating, set your profile to "hidden". This is a good tool but it will be your responsibility to search out a potential date.
--If someone messages you with "Hey Gorgeous" or sends you multiple messages in a row, they are desperate and superficial.
--Photos say a lot. If someone is hiking, biking, skiing, etc. in all their photos, you will be expected to participate in their activities. I have health issues so these people I pass over. I am never going to be able to keep up! Also, I take issue with people who post photos with their kids. I don't think that is fair to the kids or their ex. Also, don't post photos of you and your kids. There are pedophiles out there. Seriously.
--Beware the serial texter. If someone can't get beyond texting or messaging, you are wasting your time. At some point they have to take the leap to a phone call or date.
--Just be careful! There are a ton of married people and creeps on these sites. If you are meeting with someone, make sure a friend or someone knows who it is and where you are going.
--Be honest at some point about what you've gone through with separation/divorce but no need to talk about it right up front. Whatever you do, don't constantly talk about your ex.
--Don't introduce anyone to your children for at least 6 months. Don't even "run into them" somewhere with kids. Keep that world separate until relationship has potential for a forever situation.
--Do as I say and not as I do. Don't hook up on 1st or 2nd date. Wait. I have always had a different outlook and appreciation for sex than most women I know. If the situation and person is right, I can do a hook up without guilt, shame, or wanting more. It's just sex. Most people cannot do this. In fact, YOU could be ok with casual sex, but most others get falsely attached after sex--they confuse sex with love. I've had numerous men suddenly "interested" in me but I won't hook up with any of them because either they are icky or I know for a fact they couldn't handle having sex with me just once. Last thing I need is more drama in my life. MLC drama is enough.
I hope I didn't offend anyone with my sharing. In some ways, we are all alike on this forum, but in other ways we are vastly different regarding our view of standing, sex, dating, GAL, and self-preservation. I ask that you do not judge. I do not judge those of you standing for years without exploring possible "meant to be" relationships, so please don't judge me for being who I am.
-
This is the judgment-free thread. I should have started it years ago as I might hold the record.
My husband was the only man I had ever been with b/c we met when I was 17.
I started an intimate relationship about a week after he left. Yes, I already knew the person and yes, I already had a crush on him. It wasn't the best decision in the world but I felt like it was something I needed to do. At the time, I wanted husband back and I figured I wouldn't be able to look at him unless I evened the score. Again, I was in a crazy state of mind. That relationship lasted about 2 years. During that time I had one night stands, several other "crushes with benefits", etc.
Oh yes, hooking up with a younger guy after being with grumpy fat guy my whole life wasn't a too bad of an experience. However, when I had to take this kid for ice cream afterwards, hmmm, one night of this might be enough for me. ;D ;D For me, older men have much more to offer.
For those of us who were in long term relationships and then thrown into the unknown, I think a thread like this can be beneficial.... or at least an exciting read. ;D ;D
-
Yep, MWBR. 2 months after BD my H went out on dating sites and put he was divorced. Same with a bogus dating service you pay for. They claimed they do a background check but for some reason the background check did not catch that he was still very married, but he put D'd on his app. anyway.
So yes be careful ladies. These guys/and girls can put anything they want on a dating site.
I also met a man on a dating site MWBR who had a "few extra weight" on his profile. He was at LEAST 100 pounds overweight.
Like I wouldn't notice when I met him. ::)
-
I never used dating sites for myself but I did read through them with a friend when she was using them.
I don't think they are much different then going to a club.
It's just a way for people to meet.
Some are looking for relationships, some are looking for hook-ups, some are liars and/or cheats, it goes on and on....
-
FWIW....dating sites really are no different than any other medium because the people trolling these sites are still walking around in public doing the same. lol
-
True, but at least they can't lie about their weight. lol
-
True, but there are much worse things to lie about. The physical aspects are easily recognized.....everything else....we'll look at what's happened to everyone here. I would much rather look for a strong, emotionally well-balanced, honest and trustworthy mate, than base a relationship on the fleeting looks and physicality of a mate...those are things that can be changed. Mental health issues, addictions and so forth...not so much. Those are the things that lie well-hidden, obviously, and are not easily rectified.
-
I am afraid that a significant number of people on online dating sites misrepresent themselves. I have never used one, but one day I looked at POF just to see what was out there. After reading through about 50 profiles, I picked the two which sounded best. Using the information they provided in the profile I tracked down their real identities online. The supposed professor had "degrees" from diploma mills, and the supposed "doctor" had his license revoked for anger management issues. I can only imagine how many lie about whether they are married, or under what circunstances their marriage ended. Buyer beware.
-
It may be wrong because I am not legally divorced but I have been on a dating site and it has helped me not obsess so much about my H and anything that helped distract me from the pain I don't care if it is wrong.
I felt crazy chemistry with the first guy I met and I am still reeling from it. I don't regret it but it did move too fast we are still communicating he has a bag full of problems, drinking too much is the biggest my friends say run and I see the train wreck ahead but I can't stop the way I feel about him. YIKES
I don't think dating sites are for the faint of heart it does a number on your self esteem when everyone you like doesn't respond and all the ones who like you are well I will be nice!! ::) It is still rejection, I wish guys would make the first move more I think they sit back and wait for us.
Beware of scammers if they fall in love in the same day it is a scammer....I had 3 marriage proposals in one day...LOL
-
Last night, I wrote a long comment/reply and it's not posted here. This is the 3rd time it's happened. Very frustrating.
Thank you Nah and Scooter for your honesty. I feel like the odd man out as I'm open to dating and most on this forum are against it. I think everyone is different, especially for those whose MLCer was their only sex partner or LBS was faithfully monogamous with MLCer in 20 or 30 year marriages. I was with H for 7 years. We went through a lot but I can't compare to those in decades-long marriages. Also, I was married previously and in 3 or other long-term monogamous relationships over the course of my life. For me, I have experience on dating sites prior to marriage to H. I have always had a healthy open-minded approach to sex. So I cannot compare to most LBS and they can't compare with me.
I do not see myself as cheating since we have a legal separation and he is off with OW. Sorry, but those rules just don't apply here for me. And, at this point, I am so disgusted with H, I'd rather eat an entire dirt sandwich than be with this version of my H. I have zero attraction to this man. Zero! I wouldn't date this version of H. Part of GAL for me is dating. However, I could take it or leave it and have no huge motivation to do it much of the time. I have a coffee date in a few days with a guy I met on Match. He seems ok but, yes, online dates should always be treated as "guilty until proven innocent". Don't buy the feelings of lust or "love at first site" reaction--EVER! It is a process and with online dating we don't have the luxury of knowing their background.
I don't recommend online dating for novices. I think novices should rely more on meet up groups, recommendations from friends or family, or that person who has always been right in front of you but because you were hung up on MLCer you didn't pay any mind. Dating is just that, dating. It's not a commitment to anyone. Don't feel bad if you aren't that into the person and don't want it to progress. Be honest and get out of it. Don't force yourself into liking anyone.
-
More will be revealed,
You are hardly the odd man out. A good percentage of the board is or has dated in my estimation. I have and do. I had a long term relationship but was married previously and had other relationships. I have 0 attraction for the man my ex is now and he is asking to come home.
What rules? You are separated and make your own choices. We all get to own those. What matters is not how a vocal few view it, but what works in your life. Dating is a personal choice. Dating is a healthy option when done with a healthy mindset and for the right reasons. I dated within a few weeks of my bd. I've never regretted it.
Lp
-
http://esteemology.com/stop-trying-so-hard-and-learning-when-to-let-go/
-
MWBR,
More power to you!
I think once they take off with someone else, you have every right to date or not. Your choice!
No judging here. :)
-
I feel like the odd man out as I'm open to dating and most on this forum are against it.
Well, it's a forum for standers so that's not a big surprise. :)
-
Hi MTBR,
Once you read on and fully gain understanding of MLC you will see that MLC is a temporary mental illness and an OP is merely a symptom. They are not going out and cheating on us because they want to.
'Standers' who have chosen to date have their own reasons to do so.
Most who choose to stand, don't date others. It's all up to you what you choose to do.
-
MLC and/or depression is a reason but NOT an excuse for bad behavior.
My husband was not forced into anything. He made a choice.
Once he broke our vows and walked out the door I also made a choice.
I stared dating right away. This is a support forum not morals police.
-
There are quite a few forum members dating, and a lot of them belong to the 20+ year marriage club. I think the image of the "Spinster Stander" isn't a realistic one. Even those of us who were high school sweethearts with our spouses don't lack in progressive attitudes about sex and relationships just because we had a longer term run with our marriages. And I can also think of a few very short term marriage or boyfriend/girlfriend LBSs who are some of the most dedicated in traditional standing. Everyone is welcome to be themselves.
-
I would never condemn someone for choosing to date, because after my first H went off the rails I did the same thing.
Only thing was I found I was no way ready to date and ended up hurting a very decent man.
So this time I decided no dating until I was healthy, in my head and ready for a new relationship.
A rebound relationship is too easy to fall into with disastrous outcomes.
-
I would never condemn someone for choosing to date, because after my first H went off the rails I did the same thing.
Only thing was I found I was no way ready to date and ended up hurting a very decent man.
So this time I decided no dating until I was healthy, in my head and ready for a new relationship.
A rebound relationship is too easy to fall into with disastrous outcomes.
Exactly. Healthy and ready for a new relationship.
I would add, if you are still contemplating accepting your spouse back sometime, you are not ready to date. Unless you're in the camp: 'if it was done to me, I can do it to others' [as are so many op's].
-
I would never condemn someone for choosing to date, because after my first H went off the rails I did the same thing.
Only thing was I found I was no way ready to date and ended up hurting a very decent man.
So this time I decided no dating until I was healthy, in my head and ready for a new relationship.
A rebound relationship is too easy to fall into with disastrous outcomes.
Exactly. Healthy and ready for a new relationship.
I would add, if you are still contemplating accepting your spouse back sometime, you are not ready to date. Unless you're in the camp: 'if it was done to me, I can do it to others' [as are so many op's].
I'm going to respectfully disagree here, Calamity. I think many of us, myself included, would be open to taking our spouses back IF they come out of this and would be willing to do their part in a new relationship and not cake-eat. Notice, I said a NEW relationship and not just picking back up with the old one again. For years I rejected the assertion that we could not just "patch up our problems" and "make it work out" as I kept seeing it as an issue with the marriage, but once I started seeing MLC for what it really is then I started to really heal to the point that I could start to feel again. I've been dating now for a couple months with varying results and have a couple in my orbit who definitely have long-term potential (one who is/ was a member here and on the alt) but that DOES NOT mean that I have completely closed the door to XW. If, and I do mean IF, she were to show remorse and wish to come home I would have to seriously evaluate where I was at the time and how sincere she truly was. If I were in a long-term relationship I would not consider it as my loyalty and dedication would be to that person. If I were single and/ or just casually dating as I am now then I would definitely at least consider it and may take the leap of faith.
I think it's misinforming to assert that dating means you "give up all hope" of ever reconciling with your spouse, but rather accepting the fact that your MLCer is one of many potential mates out there is very liberating and allows us to make the final strides to complete healing. As long as you don't still see your MLCer as your ONLY possible positive outcome then I see no problem whatsoever with someone keeping the door cracked open while living their life to the fullest.
Bravo, MWBR, for your openness and honesty. This is a site for those who have loved ones in MLC, not a site exclusively for standers!
-
I guess I would say if you're divorced or legally separated you have every "legal" right to date. It's not Infidelity.
If you aren't then you have to weigh your options and decide of it's better to date or not. Every situation is different.
Some do it to even the score (revenge), some do it out it of loneliness or fear of being alone, while other no longer see any point in standing anymore.
People don't date for many reasons, too. Religious reasons, still too much in love with their spouses, because of their kids, because of their vows or they just don't want to bring a 3rd or 4th party into this mess.
Unless you walk in that person's shoes, no one should judge another's decision.
I walked on both sides.
-
I know for myself, I am still so much in love with my H that I would not consider going on a date. It would just give me more anxiety. I remain true to my H, even though he could care less. I pray to God each day for a miracle. I would love nothing more than to have our family together again. Also, for my children - they know I am nowhere ready for another relationship. I don't want to do something for the wrong reasons. So I guess, I am still standing and hoping even though the divorce is near being finalized. It is whatever God wants for me.
-
MWBR, you are a newie. Just in your first six weeks of mentoring. Let yourself heal first, and learn more before you come up with a decision. Be informed and healthy when you make a major decision like dating.
Time does wonders :)
~Elegance
-
Hi El,
I sounds like MWBR has already made that decision.
-
Oh lol
Whatever floats your boat lol
-
I know for myself, I am still so much in love with my H that I would not consider going on a date. It would just give me more anxiety. I remain true to my H, even though he could care less. I pray to God each day for a miracle. I would love nothing more than to have our family together again. Also, for my children - they know I am nowhere ready for another relationship. I don't want to do something for the wrong reasons. So I guess, I am still standing and hoping even though the divorce is near being finalized. It is whatever God wants for me.
There's nothing whatsoever wrong with standing even after divorce if that's what you want to do. I stood for just short of five years, which was three years after the D was final. There's no one size fits all answer to any of this.
-
I'll tell the truth, in the beginning, dating someone else WAS one of my first thoughts. I thought it was only fair, right? Then I learned more and backed off my initial thoughts. It will be a year of standing for me next month. Not going to say the thought of dating hasn't crossed my mind again, I just chose not to.
I don't judge others in their choices. It took me a very long time to regain my balance after BD, yet that is just me.
Do whatever you feel is best for you.
-
The situation is different for everyone. As mostly an older group many on here have been married or at least in other relationships before MLC. I met husband when I was 17, he was the only one.
Many would be nervous or not sure, I was neither. I NEEDED to get out there and did.
Even though I was honest, just like on here, I never made it a secret that I still had strong feelings for the Leaver. I still hurt a few. I also took the chance of getting hurt myself.
IMO, that's part of dating no matter what the circumstances.
-
Elegance,
I do value your suggestion and part of me is not ready for dating which is good because I'm not pursuing it much. I'm too busy but do have a coffee date with someone this week. Honestly, even if that coffee date worked out I wouldn't have time to get together again for several weeks. I'm a bit suspicious of this guy. He is separated like me but it's only been 4 months like me. I will probably drive him away with my suspicion. I have a hard time trusting anyone right now. I just saw H and wanted to barf. I am still angry when I have to deal with him. If we didn't have a kid together I'd go no contact. Really sucks having a kid with this crazy version of H. Ugh.
-
http://esteemology.com/stop-trying-so-hard-and-learning-when-to-let-go/
Thank you Law Professor this article was just what I needed to read. I know I am a poster child for co-dependency, I am my own worst enemy.
-
I got to thinking what Elegance said. Though it's been 4 months since BD, it's been 2 years of this MLC crap! H withheld sex, love, affection, even holding hands for nearly 2 years. So, I honestly don't look at it as 4 months. It's been 2 freaking years of MLC torture. My life was hell. I felt unlovable, undesirable, unattractive, you name it I felt it because of his treatment of me. For the first time in years I feel confident, attractive, smart, sexy, desirable, funny, basically an awesome catch!
-
Glad to hear that your confidence is high MWBR. I too agree the time needed varies on how much distance one needs before dating again. Over the last six months I've been formulating a list of what I've learned being out in the pool again. I was going to post this in my thread but I think enough of my followers are in this one.
MY 10 A-HA THOUGHTS IN THE DATING WORLD
1. CRAFT BEER IS WHERE IT'S AT. Of the nine women I've seen during the last six months, most, if not all have gravitated towards craft beer (if not wine). The fun names and small breweries are what's in. It is the drink of choice by the lot.
2. SITTING AT THE BAR. In nearly every case the women I've seen have wanted to sit at the bar, even if eating food. The taller the chair the better. Sitting across from one another at a table or booth seems out and undesirable.
3. WEEKDAY DATES ARE FINE. The expression "living for the weekend" seems to be a thing of the past, as the modern women I've seen, are perfectly available to date any day of the week. They want fun and freedom from a commitment.
4. THAT FIRST DATE KISS. No... there is no single peck goodnight. Of the nine I've seen, four ended with make-out sessions. For the other five there was nothing more than a hug and they did not see a second date. The other four continued on with regularity.
5. WHEN TO GO ALL THE WAY? For two it was the tenth date. For the other two, the third date. I see the difference being who's chasing who. The more aggressive women wanted all out sex sooner than I did. Most are no longer able to have children.
6. "OH GOD!" Women really do say this during sex. My ex was quiet. Not so for these vocal unattached women. The look they all get in their eyes when their necks are kissed is dreamy. I try to not get intimidated by the screaming.
7. BEAUTIES ARE EVERYWHERE. This one especially flipped my stance off of standing (along with the ongoing presence of OM). To think your spouse is irreplaceable is foolish. Their are millions of potential partners out there. Incredible, beautiful, fun, exciting, intelligent people to meet and be with. When we selected our mates at a younger age we were new to the world and with time and experience have learned a lot. Sure I wished to be at the same table with my EX when our kids got married as a whole and happy unit, but thats an illusion and the reality is no one is incapable of being replaced. Life is movement. Move on.
8. THEY COME IN ALL DIFFERENT SIZES AND COLORS. While married it was very well noted that I loved tall chesty brunettes with brown eyes. The women I've dated fall into a myriad of different categories and none match that description. I understand the difference between chest and cup size better now. Petite blondes with blue eyes prevailI They are all good, if you open up your mind to it.
9. THEY TALK. I don't know if it because they are single or what but these modern women talk. A lot. Never a shortage of things for them to say, which is refreshing for an introvert like me to listen to.
10. MY EX WAS SMART (AND ANGRY!). Of all the wonderful women I have encountered, none come even close to matching the intellectual brains of my ex. She was smart, wise and knowledgable on everything. And angry. I've never encountered the likes of anger like that from anyone since.
Just my thoughts. No offense intended.
-
STP, that.....was awesome.
I would like to add a couple things to it as well.
11. EDUCATION LEVEL. I have intentionally zeroed in on women with advanced degrees or who seemed of higher intelligence, mostly because of how my ex used to have such a problem with my having higher degrees and her only finally finishing her associates the year before BD. Now, I'm finding that women with advanced degrees (master, APRN, Pharma degrees etc) are every bit as wild and sexually outgoing as women who have only high school educations.
12. NO TABOOS. When I was a teen dating for the last time before meeting XW I would NEVER have brought up any kind of sexual fetish or kinky topics before being sexually involved. Now.....there seem to be no taboos about discussing BDSM or other fetishisms and what someone is into. In my case, it has been the woman who brings it up each and every time, even on the first date!
-
STP "Their are millions of potential partners out there. Incredible, beautiful, fun, exciting, intelligent people to meet and be with. When we selected our mates at a younger age we were new to the world and with time and experience have learned a lot. Sure I wished to be at the same table with my EX when our kids got married as a whole and happy unit, but thats an illusion and the reality is no one is incapable of being replaced. Life is movement. Move on."
^^^ Truth
-
STP--For me, I'm 18 years in recovery so the drinking and bar scene is a no. I am up front and honest about it from the beginning because if someone really needs to drink then we wouldn't be a good match. A date can be a social drinker but they need to be able to take it or leave it. So, that weeds out a bunch of guys, which actually helps. I am 47 but look, act, feel much younger and am attractive. I got 60 emails first time I went on the dating site. One out of all of them was worth dating. I guess I'm picky and would rather not date than settle. As far as sex goes, sounds like your wife was a bit of a prude. I have a friend that refuses to do certain things with her husband and I think that is a bad idea. Of course there should be limits in each person's comfort level, but having sex as a mechanical thing with no adventure will kill even the best marriages.
My marriage was awful the past few years primarily because my H told me he didn't like sex with me as I was too good and crazy in bed! It intimidated him. He had erectile dysfunction but made it out to be my problem. I believed those lies and accepted not being touched for years. I am so happy now that I know it was all his stupid crap. The one night stand I had was like, "Wow!" It feels so wonderful to feel confident and free, that my sexual personality is perfectly fine. My fear with having sex with dates is they'll get hooked on me and I'm not capable of anything past casual right now.
-
I'm still following along. The discussion is interesting but it continues to motivate me to stand. So far I haven't been tempted to change my mind but I'm certainly getting an education. I can see I wouldn't do well dating. I'm afraid I fall into the prude/country bumpkin categories but good luck to those of you who are busy dating. I hope it works out well for you.
-
Glad to hear that your confidence is high MWBR. I too agree the time needed varies on how much distance one needs before dating again. Over the last six months I've been formulating a list of what I've learned being out in the pool again. I was going to post this in my thread but I think enough of my followers are in this one.
MY 10 A-HA THOUGHTS IN THE DATING WORLD
1. CRAFT BEER IS WHERE IT'S AT. Of the nine women I've seen during the last six months, most, if not all have gravitated towards craft beer (if not wine). The fun names and small breweries are what's in. It is the drink of choice by the lot.
2. SITTING AT THE BAR. In nearly every case the women I've seen have wanted to sit at the bar, even if eating food. The taller the chair the better. Sitting across from one another at a table or booth seems out and undesirable.
3. WEEKDAY DATES ARE FINE. The expression "living for the weekend" seems to be a thing of the past, as the modern women I've seen, are perfectly available to date any day of the week. They want fun and freedom from a commitment.
4. THAT FIRST DATE KISS. No... there is no single peck goodnight. Of the nine I've seen, four ended with make-out sessions. For the other five there was nothing more than a hug and they did not see a second date. The other four continued on with regularity.
5. WHEN TO GO ALL THE WAY? For two it was the tenth date. For the other two, the third date. I see the difference being who's chasing who. The more aggressive women wanted all out sex sooner than I did. Most are no longer able to have children.
6. "OH GOD!" Women really do say this during sex. My ex was quiet. Not so for these vocal unattached women. The look they all get in their eyes when their necks are kissed is dreamy. I try to not get intimidated by the screaming.
7. BEAUTIES ARE EVERYWHERE. This one especially flipped my stance off of standing (along with the ongoing presence of OM). To think your spouse is irreplaceable is foolish. Their are millions of potential partners out there. Incredible, beautiful, fun, exciting, intelligent people to meet and be with. When we selected our mates at a younger age we were new to the world and with time and experience have learned a lot. Sure I wished to be at the same table with my EX when our kids got married as a whole and happy unit, but thats an illusion and the reality is no one is incapable of being replaced. Life is movement. Move on.
8. THEY COME IN ALL DIFFERENT SIZES AND COLORS. While married it was very well noted that I loved tall chesty brunettes with brown eyes. The women I've dated fall into a myriad of different categories and none match that description. I understand the difference between chest and cup size better now. Petite blondes with blue eyes prevailI They are all good, if you open up your mind to it.
9. THEY TALK. I don't know if it because they are single or what but these modern women talk. A lot. Never a shortage of things for them to say, which is refreshing for an introvert like me to listen to.
10. MY EX WAS SMART (AND ANGRY!). Of all the wonderful women I have encountered, none come even close to matching the intellectual brains of my ex. She was smart, wise and knowledgable on everything. And angry. I've never encountered the likes of anger like that from anyone since.
Just my thoughts. No offense intended.
Lucky you st.
Although l just went on date sites for a little while so maybe that's why but can't say l found much of that.
What l did find was lots of very fkd up women out there.
Didn't meet one l was even attracted to or wanted to sleep with,
or wanted to start anything with . Not one . Yet even though most of them had been single for yrs and yrs , 10yrs was very common and l could see that wasn't gonna change anytime soon for sure with most, yet their expectations were still surreal.
And most of them l felt like saying wtf are you even trying to date for anyway , your still that fkd up you shouldn't even be here.
The whole thing was just disheartening, very time consuming, overload and a total let down tbh.
Think l need RL stuff bc in RL on the other hand l did meet a few and wasted time with no one . You can feel it and see it in seconds in RL .
But that is hard though if your not getting out much or things to get involved with a pretty limited in your area.
But l think that's the way to go for me.
A lot of other people actually seem to meet worthwhile people through date sites though.
In better areas maybe.
-
I got to thinking what Elegance said. Though it's been 4 months since BD, it's been 2 years of this MLC crap! H withheld sex, love, affection, even holding hands for nearly 2 years. So, I honestly don't look at it as 4 months. It's been 2 freaking years of MLC torture. My life was hell. I felt unlovable, undesirable, unattractive, you name it I felt it because of his treatment of me. For the first time in years I feel confident, attractive, smart, sexy, desirable, funny, basically an awesome catch!
I was in that very same boat.....and began my current relationship just shy of 5 months post BD and we've been together a little over 5 months now. Not going to lie, it's been challenging at times because of this whole sordid mess of MLC, but I'll be damned if I was going to be dismissed, disrespected, lied to, cheated on, and dumped like garbage only to sit on my @$$ crying and waiting for my now xh to come to his senses...mostly because I'm not sure he has any sense anymore. Sorry, sweetheart....you knew when you left, there was no coming back, and I wasted no time making that point crystal clear.
MWBR.....absolutely nothing wrong with getting life back on track. Follow your heart, but most definitely take your brain with you and keep your eyes open. The odds of them ever waking up and owning what they've done and doing the hard work of making amends for those things is not very common, and even if it happens, from listening to those who've done it, it sounds as though many question why and whether it's worth it. Sorry if that sounds bleak, but that's just what I've gathered from all of this.
-
MWBR,
Glad I could inspire you to heal and learn more about MLC. You REALLY shouldn't take your H's actions personally because they have nothing to do with you. Once you learn more about male depression/MLC depression, you will see their brain chemistry makes them see the person closest to them as THE PROBLEM and want to end the pain (which we all know is not true) so that is why they divorce or distance themselves from their significant other.
I realize their are others who are dating, yet as a newbie, heal yourself first before anything, whether it be a new R or reconciliation w/ your H.
Some of the 'standers' who posted are like 5 years in!
I personally feel 'dating' shouldn't be an option is this forum, yet it's not my site or decision to make. It makes others especially newbies, what to jump out there and just find someone new, instead of healing or gaining understanding of what MLC is and not to take the MLCers actions personally.
I don't feel coffee is a bad thing, yet I wonder,would you do that if your H wasn't temporarily mentally ill? I don't know, just something to think about.
Do what's best for you, not what's the best revenge to get your H back with :)
-
I disagree this forum should only be for covenant standers. I think it should be a safe place for anyone dealing with a MLCer and anyone choosing to stand or not. There are so few forums and resources out there for LBS regarding MLC. I look at this forum as a healing place for dealing with the trauma and betrayal of MLC, not a place to orchestrate standing. It is the trauma and betrayal for which I am healing, and very little for the grieving of my H. Technically, my H left 2 years ago. Even before that there were problems I don't think he will ever change. I realize now that I don't want him. He is beyond flawed, self-centered, and just plain horrible. I don't look at this as a mental illness. He had a choice and a recovery program that could have helped him. He chose to separate from his program, God, and me. I guess I'm not really standing. I just don't know what 5 years could hold.
Anyone NOT dating at 1, 2, 5 years post-BD or post-MLC is basically a covenant stander. So, yes, if the philosophy is to wait and not date, you are a covenant stander. And, though, many say they aren't "waiting", at the end of the day it is most certainly waiting. Reconciliation is always at the back of the mind. Like I said, the person who had BD after 4 years of marriage (me) cannot be compared to the LBS married for 20 or 30 years. This is my 2nd divorce. I have experience knowing how to heal (just not from crazy MLC) and have been in several other 2-4 year relationships. I think that makes a huge difference.
We can't pigeon-hole people into only one cookie cutter and covenant standing isn't necessary or realistic for some circumstances. I think as a woman I feel empowered in letting go, moving on, and dating. I'm no dummy and have a very strong 12 step program.
-
Well said MWBR.
For me a way to detach and distance myself was to treat the marriage or MLCer as a former job. I've had plenty of jobs and with the leaving of each one, I don't think of returning. If I'm fired, unwanted and pushed out I certainly don't try and go back there. Change can be good. With each new job (date) comes experiences, knowledge and growth. Compare that to dating and you can understand my current view. Certainly job (and marriage) security is preferred but for my situation standing is not in the cards.
I'm now hearing her affair could go on for 2 years. The world has too much fun to offer to sit and wait for an uncertain future.
-
Seems there would be a lot fewer active members if only covenant standers were permitted to post. Confirmation bias is human nature but it is best to be exposed to a variety of view points. My dating experiences have been all over the map and I have come to believe that we will find someone that mirrors us in emotional development. I highly suggest asking yourself "would I date me" and not getting serious about dating until you can answer "yes" without hesitation.
-
Only covenant standers?
How about only women?, only people married 20+ years?, only MLCers that are having affairs with younger women?
Really, the list could go on and on. This is not a contest, it's a support forum.
Right or wrong I started "dating" very early on, just weeks after BD. I was still devastated, I still had no idea what was going on, I also very much needed support. I can't imagine what I would have done if this forum shut me out because I was courageous enough to admit I was dating. Geez, it was bad enough the person I built my life around turned their back on me, and my in-laws, and even my daughter, BUT also a support forum? Let's throw another boulder on my head while I'm sinking in an ocean of despair.
Anyways, this came up on another thread and I thought it was more appropriate on this thread.
Is dating more difficult because we have so much baggage/heartbreak?
The men I dated felt differently. In fact, I always did the opposite of what is often recommended if you are interested in someone. Usually within the first 5 minutes I would say to the "potential"..... "I was married for 28 years and my husband just left, 2 minute conversation, and he just left". Not one guy walked away, in fact just the opposite.
I was married for 28 years and HE left me, not the other way around. What does that say about me?
It says I'm loyal.
Most people in our age group have either been through multiple relationships or have been single all this time. What does that say about them?
At this point in our age group, there will always be some baggage. IMO, most people on this forum are good, loving, loyal people who just happened to have been rolled over by a spouse that went crazy.
Once we get back on our feet, do a little mirror work and get back out there.... we are a catch. Big time.
-
I agree Nah but I think Elegance raises a good point that she feels the need for a Covenant stander support group/forum. Not sure if there is a dedicated thread for these folks but would probably be a good idea. They have especially difficult challenges as they refuse to date and hold on for MLCer to come home.
I can't relate to Covenant stander but respect their choice. I am just inherently not cut out for that type of standing. I think where dating gets tricky and unhealthy isn't a matter of time following BD or start of MLC but in the manner an LBS tackles dating. For me, it's healthy if I have it as a back burner thing I do--behind the work I am doing on self and children. Dating can't be a major focus for me. Has to be "I can take it or leave it." I can't be consumed by it. THAT is when I'd put a wrench in my healing.
-
I agree Nah but I think Elegance raises a good point that she feels the need for a Covenant stander support group/forum. Not sure if there is a dedicated thread for these folks but would probably be a good idea.
Ummm... that's what this forum was about until THEY made room for US.
When I first came on this site and talked about dating several people questioned why I was on a "standing" forum. Well I felt I was standing AND dating, at the time it was controversial, now it seems like the norm.
Unless I'm wrong, Elegance questioned if dating should be allowed.
My main point is MLC is confusing enough, we don't need to start pointing fingers at different groups and questioning if they belong. If a person is hurting, then they should be welcomed, not judged.
-
I highly suggest asking yourself "would I date me" and not getting serious about dating until you can answer "yes" without hesitation.
Absolutely no hesitation answering yes. I think that is why I have three women seeing me (A fourth married one as just friends too). As nah said...
Once we get back on our feet, do a little mirror work and get back out there.... we are a catch. Big time.
Dating is very much in the moment for me. Relationships are not discussed nor is the past or future. It's all about fun during our time together. In an odd way its like a relationship minus all the day to day chores and just having the weeks highlights together.
I did the standing route the first time because it made sense to do so. This time it does not. GAL means taking care of yourself and creating your happiness. I don't have to tell you that greater happiness comes from being with people who want to be with you and if they show it physically with affection or gifts, all the better.
-
I agree Nah but I think Elegance raises a good point that she feels the need for a Covenant stander support group/forum. Not sure if there is a dedicated thread for these folks but would probably be a good idea.
Ummm... that's what this forum was about until THEY made room for US.
When I first came on this site and talked about dating several people questioned why I was on a "standing" forum. Well I felt I was standing AND dating, at the time it was controversial, now it seems like the norm.
Unless I'm wrong, Elegance questioned if dating should be allowed.
My main point is MLC is confusing enough, we don't need to start pointing fingers at different groups and questioning if they belong. If a person is hurting, then they should be welcomed, not judged.
Agreed on all points! And likely, as change is always inevitable, the balance will continue to trade off between daters or non-daters. But everyone has value in the conversation, as it gives a much more broad offering of support when all of these diverse angles are present at the table. As long as we individually feel solid in our decision, standing or not, dating or not, it's all good.
-
Right or wrong I started "dating" very early on, just weeks after BD. I was still devastated, I still had no idea what was going on, I also very much needed support.
So now in retrospect .
Do you think this was a good idea to start dating "very early on" before you were healed and whole?
I will wait for a follow up until after you answer.
-
Hell no. I was a fire-trucking mess.
When I say "dating", I mean I jumped in bed with my boss weeks after BD. I wasn't eating or sleeping. Then I starting drinking heavily, suicidal, revenge sex with much younger "men", revenge sex with husbands "friend", you name it.
I never said I made good decisions in the early days, just the opposite.
I didn't post on this forum until a year after BD. It still took me a few years before I got on my feet and become me again. It was far from a straight path.
-
To answer more to the point.
I should have waited.
-
To answer more to the point.
I should have waited.
Ah ok - I am in total agreement.
So what do we need to do to become whole and healed and when IS a good time to start dating?
-
I Stood for almost 2 years before I Dated?? at the time I didn't think it was really Dating. I met him thru Mutual friends he was single for 10 years, Had major surgery just a month after I met him. so I stayed around to help him get thru his surgery.Nothing Came of the relationship except friendship.
But I found out real quick that talking about it on here was a no no. A few Peeps questioned why I was here if I was dating I couldn't possibly Be Standing.
But I always felt as thou I was. Now 3 years Post BD, I am GAL as best i can. im leaving him to his crisis.Does that mean im not standing? i have no idea. i posted a while back on how long is too long to wait.....that was a no no too.
I see my MIL who the exact same thing happened to.. 20+ years ago.. she is bitter,Unhappy,and miserable.that haunts me. i don't wanna be that person.
Standing or not, this Forum has saved my sanity many many days...
-
So what do we need to do to become whole and healed and when IS a good time to start dating?
Wisdom from a 20 yo: If you're not okay alone, you're not okay with someone.
What I found when I was younger, you never meet anyone when you are looking--usually I got attached to guys at the most inconvenient times. Relationships form naturally from common interests or activities. Relax, live your life and you'll meet someone.
-
I think the "being good on your own" is an excellent place to start. Beyond that it becomes about attracting the right type of person for what you are looking for. Casual dating parteners and relationships are 2 different things entirely. Imo, if you haven't made some dramatic improvements in your healing you will attract someone like your x... Patterns repeat until the lesson is learned.
-
Nah you are right. Dating immediately after BD can be a disaster. But I had a much different experience with my one night stand 1 month post BD. It was wonderful and actually reminded me how desirable and a catch I am. BUT he was someone I didn't know so I could send him on his way and never see him again. It would have been awful if it was someone I knew.
-
One key thing for all of us to remember is that our desirability and attractiveness had absolutely nothing to do with our being left by our (ex) spouses. If you feel that is a reason, you will definitely need to get your thinking in order before stepping out into the dating scene again. I shudder to think what type of person would be attracted to you feeling so down on yourself.
My boyfriend now is so much more mature than my xh, even though he is almost 4 years our junior. He was in the Army for many years....in several war zones, which he admits helped him grow and mature as a man. That is unfortunately something my xh never learned to do...and even through all of this, he may still never grow up and learn to be a responsible adult. He's a chronic complainer and blame has always been the name of his game. I was a Co dependent fixer, who got kicked to the curb when I decided to distance myself from his constant negativity and drama. We played that game for about 2.5 years leading to his cheating, lying and BD. .and when I said never again, that's exactly what I meant.
My new man, while not perfect, has treated me with nothing but kindness, consideration, respect, concern for my well being...etc, etc. For the first time, I feel like I am in a true adult relationship. It is nothing like what I spent 18 years doing with xh, in fact, those years seem so fake to me now, like we were just two people living together, but having separate lives. It's no wonder I don't recognize xh anymore. He doesn't even know himself right now, so how could I possibly know him?
I just think if you become so set in standing and waiting for something that doesn't have a likely chance of happening, you will be cheating yourself out of a lot of opportunities and new memories. God put us all on this path for a reason, but it is up to us to trust and follow. GAL, keep doing things to grow and better yourself. You don't need to specifically seek out a new love interest to move forward. Love your life, and your love life will take care of itself.
-
New to this thread.
I was married to what can only be described as an insecure kid with mommy issues. The AD is now filling that role ( mommy ) nicely. I guess they were made for each other. I'm ready to date and move on because I've been practically alone for the last 8 years. He started in 2008 with this madness.
I think that the AD is in perpetual MLC. She told my MD, and I quote, "I'm so immature, I'm still running around like I'm in my 20's. I guess it's because I don't have any kids or any real responsibilities." I kid you not, she told this to my MD who is only 16.
So like tocslave I too was married to a kid that never grew up. Twenty one years in the military and they still couldn't make a man out of him. A marine no less.
I know that this has nothing to do with my attractiveness, desirability, ect... I would just be nice to get a break. He's thrown us into financial chaos. And, my poor kids are still caught in the middle. I too have met someone that is mature and seems to have his act together. He just turned 50 today as a matter of fact. Only time will tell.
He's positive and really kind. Easy to talk to, and there's something about him. I can't put my finger on it... There's an authenticity, and something very genuine. The Ex was not, he was a poseur at best. Can't say I miss him.
He's done so much damage, and denies and deflects as much as possible. Argues with my MD and treats her poorly. Favors the OD and YD. YD says it's because he knows that MD is more mature and smarter than he is. Guess who she's the most like?
YD doesn't get much attention from him either (Still treats her likes she's little at 12). But, the AD sure does. She's definitely the perfect MLC partner that's for sure. And a Smotherer, will be really interesting to see that relationship implode. I've gone "ghost", don't want to be anywhere near that when it does go up in flames. The kids are basically DD, keeping their distance has been a plus.
They actually want me to date and find someone else. They've never really liked or trusted their father. I don't blame them, he's a little boy dressed up in a man's suit. Even still, I want to be really careful. I have two girls that will still be living with me, he has to be the right one. One that will want to help me finish raising them. Don't know how things will work out with this one, but if it doesn't. Well, having someone to have coffee and dinner with will be nice.
-
One key thing for all of us to remember is that our desirability and attractiveness had absolutely nothing to do with our being left by our (ex) spouses. If you feel that is a reason, you will definitely need to get your thinking in order before stepping out into the dating scene again. I shudder to think what type of person would be attracted to you feeling so down on yourself.
No I don't think anybody thinks we are desirable because we were left. I wrote we tend to be desirable because most of us ( since we were in LTRs) tend to be loyal.
-
This has been an interesting read as I have considered online dating. I even have a profile up on ChristianMingle, but it's not a paid subscription however, people can see it. I've had around 30 messages, but because I'm not paid I can't actually see what they say if the message is more than just a "wink." I have perused several profiles, but nothing/no one has stood out to me. In this "toe-dipping" experiment for the last couple of months I'm about ready to say online dating is not for me. I think I'm more into connecting in real life. I know some people met and married by online dating, but I've honestly heard more crazy stories than successes, but that's just in my limited circle.
My situation is that I had one "going together" relationship before I met H at 17. I have never been single until the last 3.5 years...meaning I went straight from my parents house to living with a H once I got married. I was a commuter student in college and didn't even live in a dorm/apartment situation with roommates. So, technically, I've never been in the adult dating scene.
As far as when it's appropriate to date I have some pretty strict Christian views on it; however, during this this process I have pulled away from Covenant standing. I feel my situation clearly meets Biblical standards of justification for divorce for both adultery and abandonment. The separation agreement that my husband drafted (and I signed) stated that legally we could date without fear of repercussions. I didn't act on that clause but Ex-H sure did!
With that said, I know not everyone here shares my views. I respect that, however, I do believe it's not healthy to jump right out of a marriage into the dating scene. In fact, most experts, religious and non-religious, whole-heartedly agree that learning to be a satisfied healthy single person should be the first goal. I understand that Western culture is okay with casual dating/sex and that it's widely acceptable, but a saying I think is applicable here is, "Just because you can doesn't mean you should."
If you are a single person, mostly emotionally mature, who's never been married or jilted from a long-term relationship then you can approach the dating scene with an unvarnished view; however, no matter what you think if you've been through the hell of being dumped by a husband or a long-term partner you're carrying some pretty big baggage and dating/sex carries some very, very big risks if you've not taken the time to heal.
Now, I went through the DivorceCare program which comes from a Christian point of view, but their recommendation is that you shouldn't date until 2 years post divorce. That may seem extreme, BUT I'm only 11 months out from divorce, 4 years from the 2nd bomb drop, and I'm finding that I'm probably not healed yet enough to date. I'm probably 75% there, but still, I think I'm not quite ready. There are times I feel ready, but when I get close to pulling the trigger on a dating site, or if I meet someone who shows some interest my gut immediately goes, "NOPE, NOT READY!"
For what it's worth that's my 2 cents!
-
HI Swift,
that's another obstacle.The never been single before... I went form a 5 year relationship All thru high school and my first year out of HS.to a short breakup (6 Months) Moved home that 6. them Met H. a year later..... Married. all at the tender age of 20.
28 Years years later BAM.
Dating rules for 2016.......Have no clue. Obviously social media has changed things and not for the better...
i don't regret my stand of almost 2 years. and actually its not the relationship with OW that made me decide to not.FOR ME, it was months and months of Prayer, reflection, and finally coming to grips with the reality of all of this.
. It was the total lack of i dunno...Empathy,Love,Concerne for me or his children.NONE!
Nobody deserves this kind of treatment....... Nothing wrong with taking it slow.. we have went thru hell, and lets face it. at this age, people are ripe for MLC. now THATS scary stuff :o
-
Swift, I too am doing Divorce Care. I keep saying this over and over. NO ONE can determine the timing of dating for the LBS except the LBS. I got pregnant at 17 with my oldest son and had a ton of boyfriends before that. Never married his dad but stayed together for 2 1/2 years. Then was single and dated a little for 18 months. Met my first husband when I was 22. Was with him 12 years, 4 of which we were married. Then had a relationship for 4 years. Then another relationship for 9 months. Single for 5 months and did some online dating. Met H in our 12 step recovery program and was with him 7 1/2 years, 4 of which married.
Again, I cannot compare my life with you or Kat0465 or anyone else in very long marriages. So very different. As you can see, I pretty much suck at relationships and have no desire to get in one again. But I am dating--just coffee dates so far. None have progressed to 2nd date. I won't settle. I just went off online dating for a bit. Too many creepers. God will present someone to me when HE sees fit. I'm in no hurry.
-
Interesting to read different thoughts on dating. I wonder if an apprehension to even simple coffee dates has anything with putting too much importance on the meeting? Are you pre-selecting people that have to meet a criteria? I guess what I mean is, if I was looking precisely for that special someone, I would determine they must like my kind of music, love cats, prefer italian food, be brown eyed, enjoy Halloween etc.
No one I have met meets such a specific set of things I'm looking for. But I adapt and accept and carry on. I don't put much seriousness into dates at all. Purely entertainment in the moment. Enjoying one another's company and when its over, although there is a preference to see them again, their certainly is no need.
SwiftCovenant, I think you should try POF, so you can actually converse and go beyond winks. A basic free service is enough to search by importance of religion. That DivorceCare program seems imposing and controlling. Date when you want to and don't let any rules or experts ideas, control you. I'm sorry you live with fear-an awful way to live. Being free is how one needs to live.
I was loyal to my XW for 28 years and had never really dated much prior to that. Certainly never more than a month with anyone. The frequency that has felt right to me NOW is seeing someone 1-3 times a week, with a text here or there on days we don't see one another. We never talk of the relationship or the future and live happy in the moment together. Keep it light and positive. Be someone they want to be around. Just my thoughts.
-
KAT...I don't regret my four years of standing. Are there some things I wished I had done differently in my stand? Yes, certainly, but standing and letting God work out the situation is not one of them. While the process was long and drawn out I walked away knowing I had done everything I could do, and God finally released me from the marriage. My conscious is completely clear, and I have grown by leaps and bounds spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. I have found myself again, and that's a gift I wouldn't trade for a shorter resolution. I needed the process.
More...I wrote my post in a hurry yesterday. I totally agree that no one can determine the time of dating for the LBS. That's totally between you and God and what you feel comfortable with. I guess my one hang up is that I would like to bypass the awkward dating phase and get to the trusting relationship phase, but that's not how it works. eh? ;)
STP...I didn't find DivorceCare imposing or controlling. It does come from a Christian worldview, and is scripturally based, but they really have good practical information for anyone who has separated/divorced even if one doesn't come from a Christian worldview. Their recommdation for waiting two years post-divorce for dating is just that...a recommendation, but it's backed up with some pretty solid study and evidence that entering the dating world when one is not sufficiently healed is a recipe for disaster. At the very least a risk for taking unhealed issues into a new relationship which can pollute a new relationship unnecessarily. Scientific studies show that rushing into a new relationship post divorce is the main reason 80% of second marriages end in divorce. Now for me, that process my take a full two years. I know people who waited 6 to 8 years after a divorce before dating anyone. I know people who dated within months of divorce. I will have to say that most people I know who jumped into another relationship/marriage quickly after divorce didn't fare well.
Now, most of this wouldn't apply if you are just dating for fun/companionship and aren't looking for anything serious. My history with guys is to get way too serious way too fast, and not see the red flags in a person. Now, that was my 16 and 17-year-old self, but at 48...after all I've been through...I realized that tendency is probably still there. I quickly developed a secret crush on a guy about 6 months after my husband and I separated. It as never anything more than that, and it didn't lead to anything, but I held onto to that crush for a long while. then I realized I was at big risk for rebounding. Fortunately, he didn't live in my city, so once I became conscious that my old tendencies were surfacing it was easier to let it go.
I probably do need to just date without my main goal being a new relationship, but because I realize that I'm not at that place yet I have decided to stay off the dating sites...for now. I did take my profile off ChristianMingle last night. I'm not ruling out anything. If I were to meet someone today and there was mutual attraction, and they asked me out I would most likely accept...but that's not happened yet ;)
Okay, my question is about pursuit. I'm old fashioned in that I feel a man should pursue a lady. I'm an introvert by nature, and while I know plenty of women pursue men it's not my style. I'm more than comfortable reciprocating if a man initiates and i'm interested, but I'm not the kind of girl to see something I like and go after it. I know a lot of women do. Is men pursuing a woman still the norm, or am i just an ole fuddy-duddy?
-
Swift "My history with guys is to get way too serious way too fast, and not see the red flags in a person. Now, that was my 16 and 17-year-old self, but at 48...after all I've been through...I realized that tendency is probably still there. I quickly developed a secret crush on a guy about 6 months after my husband and I separated."
Old habits die hard and this will likely take some conscious effort to change as you begin dating. Personally I had to override my "feelings" and adjust the stories create in my head. Hope this makes sense and helps. I think dating with the purpose of finding a relationship can lead to expectations that may cause you to act in ways that push away the very thing you are looking for.
As for pursuit, why are you uncomfortable and how does the reluctance to approach a man serve you? Im not asking this to be difficult... I think its worth answering those questions for yourself. In my opinion I think its fine for a woman to strike up conversation if she is interested, it shows confidence imo. The alternative is to send out some signals that you are interested, think eye contact. The issue with not taking action is you are leaving it up to the other person to make a move and not all men are comfortable doing so. I have no problem approaching a woman I am interested in, but Im told a lot of guys are just as intimidated as some of the women. Here's the thing, I dont see how anyone will get what they want in life if they arent willing to GO FOR IT. If its an issue of fearing rejection I frame it like this... My xw cheated and basically ghosted me after 18 years, why would I worry if a random person doesnt share my interest?
-
DJI...thanks for your input. Being single is still such a new thing to me and completely foreign. Honestly, right now I'm working hard on being content in my singleness then I feel I can be open to a relationship again without being needy. Other than the crush I had I've really not felt attracted to any other man. My heart and body was completely my H's until he broke all that. I'm still working on breaking the bond I had with my ex . He's not making it easy because he continues to contact me and relay his regrets and sorrow over and over...happened again today when I contacted him for business reasons. As of yesterday my house is completely refinanced in my sole name, so now I can now legally go no contact with him. Business is done. While I'm very detached I still have feelings toward him, another reason I'm not ready to date even though I realize dating might be the therapy needed to get over the hump. I just know I need to give it more time and just stay open to whatever God might send my way in His time. One day I might even feel comfortable with dating sites, who knows?
I don't rule out "crush guy" as a future possibility. He is the only guy I felt any chemistry with since my H. There was definitely a spark between us. He went through what all of us have here. He and I have a lot in common. I know because he is a gentleman he didn't pursue anything because at the time we were in contact I was still not available. He is about six years out from a divorce and has sole custody of his daughter and caring for aging parents. We live 3.5 hours from each other, and there are other obstacles that I won't get into here. I know if it's meant to be it will be. If our paths crossed again I would definitely let him know I'm interested. He seems to embody all I'm looking for in a man from what I know of him. Sigh...
Going back to pursuit it's something I would have to work at. I think if I were to feel attracted to a man who's available I could let him know I was interested. I have no problem with that, and I would definitely reciprocate. I don't have problems initiating conversation with anyone either, even though I can come off shy and awkward at first. Again, I'm an introvert, and it's not my comfort zone, but I've done tons of things outside my comfort zone during this transition in my life, so I could do pursuit...if I"m motivated enough ;)
I just wondered of men pursuing is still the norm, or if it goes both ways. My brother was a bachelor for years, and he felt that most women came on too strong...I mean, REALLY strong. It was always a turn-off to him. We're both Gen-X'ers, so we're probably more steeped in the "men pursuing" mindset. :D
-
Shy and awkward can be endearing... Own it ;)
I also notice women pursue a lot more. That said, i met my xw when i was 19 and was out of the game until i was 38. Only other thing i would add is that i started dating because I thought thats what i should want to do even though I didn't want to at the time. Once i got comfortable with not wanting to I stopped for 6 months and worked on myself some more. That was one of the best things Ive done for myself. No need to rush...
-
Swift,
Men still pursue but my experience is if you are attractive, some men are intimidated/scared to pursue. I always had to pursue my past relationships. I pretty much chased down my H, which I now regret. He was painfully afraid to approach me (funny how he didn't have an issue with OW but then again she was his ex-fiancee). I am doing things different now. Here's the deal...the opposite sex can't read our minds. Someone, including "crush guy", may be interested, but may think you don't actually want to date anyone, aren't ready, or wouldn't be interested in him in that way. Alternatively, they could be afraid to approach you in this way due to their own fears of rejection. I have promised myself that this go-around I will not pursue like I once did. However, I do need to give signs I am interested as they can't read my mind. This can happen gradually through slight flirting and hinting. I was always "out there" with my pursuits, very obvious. I'm not doing that anymore. I will let someone know I have interest through contact and slight flirting/hinting. But I will not overly pursue or ask someone out. I leave that up to them. THEY need to ask me. I am not going to be the one to ask anymore. Eventually, they get the hint and ask.
Another issue, if you want to date outside of "crush guy", is to let everyone you intimately know that you are entering the dating pool and ask if they know anyone for you to date. If they do, ask the person to share your phone number or email with the potential date.
You can do this! Sharing honestly with a date your fears of dating will help you in the long run.
-
I just went on a coffee date with an amazing guy. I mean AMAZING. Makes my H look like the louse he is. Sorry, but all the abuse I've received over the last 2 years from H has seriously diminished my want to reconcile. Proved to me there are wonderful men out there and I deserve better. I won't see him again for a week and a half due to our schedules. This is good, though, as I need a slow pace. I am so glad I met up with him.
-
I just went on a coffee date with an amazing guy. I mean AMAZING. Makes my H look like the louse he is. Sorry, but all the abuse I've received over the last 2 years from H has seriously diminished my want to reconcile. Proved to me there are wonderful men out there and I deserve better. I won't see him again for a week and a half due to our schedules. This is good, though, as I need a slow pace. I am so glad I met up with him.
Right there with you, MWBR. The man I have been seeing for about 6 months now is such a good man..My xh could never hold a candle to this man. After I've seen and felt what it is like to be truly cared for and appreciated, I could never settle for anything less....and a letting xh have a shot at a repeat performance would actually be less than less, if that is even possible. OW can keep her "prize".
These crazies only know how to do one thing and that's selfishness. Real and honest love encourages, supports, bends but does not break, and comforts with strength and security, so you gotta really ask yourself "Is that what was present at BD".....real and pure love from your (ex) spouse?? Nope.....so why would you settle for less?
-
Lots of great advice More! I'm not the flirty type, but I'm working on it ;)
Glad to hear you had a great coffee date, fingers crossed! :D
-
Confidence, and Being comfortable in your own skin goes a loonng way Swift!! I was soo beat Down by BD, Lost 60lbs, was a shell of who I was.
I didn't know how to be ME. but when I did....that's when I noticed a difference. you will find the healthier you are, the more you attract the same.....when we work on us, GAL, Fix things that need fixing we move forward.Take it slow,Allow God to Direct your path as you have been, And it will be good.
-
Thanks Kat. I really have come a long way, personally, and GAL-ing in the nearly 4 years I have been "single" (separated for 3 and divorced for nearly 1). There has been a dramatic change in me physically, spiritually, emotionally and mentally. I still have a ways to go, but I have found myself again. I was in my early twenties when I lost myself, so now I'm just trying to be her as a middle-aged woman. Some major adjustments to that alone, but I'm determined to do it!
-
Well, I went on a few coffee dates and met a few guys online. Here's the problem I'm facing--things go great and am hitting it off via messaging and text. But, my H only takes S5 every other weekend and a few hours during the week. I literally have this kid all the time. So, I think these men get impatient as I can't run out the door to a date. They lose interest and it fizzles fast. I am attractive, smart, witty, etc and haven't taken any loss of interest personally. Like my H, it's their loss and rejection is God's protection. But it's frustrating to chat and then it fizzle every time mostly because I don't have childcare. I do need to interview babysitters.
Oh and since I'm 47 and trying to meet men my age, it seems all these middle age men have signs of MLC on a small level. My radar is up so they can't get anything past me. Or they can't express themselves and fear verbal intimacy. What is every man in his 40s defective??? I have a platonic make friends who is 31 and he's awesome. Very comforting.
-
MWBR.... my new man just turned 40 a couple months ago....and is so much more mature and in touch with his emotions than xh, who turned 43 in July. The only emotion xh could ever express was anger and hate. And was he ever a jerk. If it wasn't all about him, then he simply gave it no attention. It was either for xh or it was against him....there was no in between or compromise.
And Big B is the most communicative man I've ever been with. If there's a problem.....we will literally sit and talk it out. I sometimes lag behind on my end with working things out because, frankly, that was something xh and I rarely did. Sad to say that of an 18 year relationship, but just one huge reason we are no longer a couple. If anyone is the hold up in my new R, it's me. lol
I've learned a lot this year both about me and also what a truly committed relationship is. Not sure what I would call what xh and I were doing, but it wasn't love, that's for sure. Never again getting snowballed like that....once was enough to make a lasting impression. I deserve so much more than that.
-
Dating is a strange thing!
Before I got married I dated ten women in 5 years. Most were single dates, and a few went as much as three weeks, no longer. When we ended, I never saw them again. Now 30 years later, with the internet in place, no one ever truly goes away! Back in the day, and as shy as I was, I was lucky to get a date which typically began with face-to-face interaction. Now, there are so many ways to meet and dates are potentially everywhere! Confidence is a huge factor in securing one and the ease of finding people is again thanks to the internet, super easy. Writing one another is a huge whereas back then it was hours on the phone.
Prior to the MLC, I saw myself as a one woman kinda guy and I was proud that, I had never been with anyone else. I built all sorts of 'rules' in my head and followed them. With the advent of BD #2, I dashed all the rules and opened the gate to anything and anyone. Everyone has a story to tell and everyone likes attention and touch. I want to experience as much as I can! I am a serial dater, seeing multiple people. On average I have a date every other day. There is little seriousness involved. It's much looser and casual than old me woulda liked. I don't need to bring flowers or try to romance them into liking me. Those are relationship builders and casual daters are not wanting that. Maybe it puts pressure on them to react in kind or think "whoa he's getting serious"? It's just different times for me. I'm learning a lot, living in the moment, and having fun. With such frequency, it's easy to FEEL like being in a relationship, however with no HEART invested or talk of commitment, it's like a connect-the-dot, going from one, to the next. In time I will get a clearer vision of the picture.
-
Hey Swift.
Nope your not an old fuddy duddy at all . But , lknow l'll get myself in knots trying to explain this and probably everyone will disagree with me bc these days women are encouraged to go for it.
But for me personally and l've noticed this over and over and not just since l've been single again,right through. But if a guy is truly interested as long as he gets the right vibes then he'll go after her. So if she has to be the one then he usually just isn't keen enough anyway deep down.
So, no matter what the trend , me l still believe it's better all round for her to maybe show interest or put out the right singles yeah , but let him do the chasing to start.
And , there's also something really classy and very sexy , about the old fashion way and too forward can be a bit off anyway tbh.
l've been seeing someone for awhile and she uses this term,now it might sound weird but she's European and sometimes she's just like this old old soul from centuries ago. Love that.
A man needs to conquer me . That's the way she puts it and the worth she places on herself. l love it ,it just self respecting and old world but , he should want to conquer the women he loves .
Yet she's far far far from fuddy duddy.She has tats and piercings and loves the coolest things and music, gutsy, her tastes , the lot.
My ex was also very similar and would never chase or be the one to be forward to start.
Soooo , ease up on yourself bc really , if he feels the right stuff and gets the right vibe from you he'll be onto it ,don't worry and he won't mind having to work abit for it either , he'll probably actually respect that.
-
As gooda a way as any l reckon ST if that's all you feel like.
Meantime the dots will just connect themselves when the time comes if the right girl was to show up.
But yeah ,l found it's just a bloody weird world out there now when it it comes to being single. Attitudes and stuff too , really bizarre after being out of the scene so long.
And could they even create any more date sites for example , there's 100s of them.
And l'm not sure if it's really the way these days or maybe it's just the ones that don't have a social life of know many people but it seems like even those that do know and meet a lot of people are still using date sites or computers or forums or some ways or another internet are the standard thing these days. Don't know.
Weird .l'd take the RL way myself any day if you can get it. But l was using them too.