[nah]

Only covenant standers?

How about only women?, only people married 20+ years?, only MLCers that are having affairs with younger women?

Really, the list could go on and on.  This is not a contest, it's a support forum.

Right or wrong I started "dating" very early on, just weeks after BD.  I was still devastated, I still had no idea what was going on, I also very much needed support.  I can't imagine what I would have done if this forum shut me out because I was courageous enough to admit I was dating.  Geez, it was bad enough the person I built my life around turned their back on me, and my in-laws, and even my daughter, BUT also a support forum?  Let's throw another boulder on my head while I'm sinking in an ocean of despair.

Anyways, this came up on another thread and I thought it was more appropriate on this thread.

Is dating more difficult because we have so much baggage/heartbreak?

The men I dated felt differently.  In fact, I always did the opposite of what is often recommended if you are interested in someone.  Usually within the first 5 minutes I would say to the "potential"..... "I was married for 28 years and my husband just left, 2 minute conversation, and he just left".  Not one guy walked away, in fact just the opposite.

I was married for 28 years and HE left me, not the other way around.  What does that say about me?

It says I'm loyal. 

Most people in our age group have either been through multiple relationships or have been single all this time.  What does that say about them?

At this point in our age group, there will always be some baggage.  IMO, most people on this forum are good, loving, loyal people who just happened to have been rolled over by a spouse that went crazy.

Once we get back on our feet, do a little mirror work and get back out there.... we are a catch.  Big time.

[MoreWillBeRevealed]

I agree Nah but I think Elegance raises a good point that she feels the need for a Covenant stander support group/forum. Not sure if there is a dedicated thread for these folks but would probably be a good idea. They have especially difficult challenges as they refuse to date and hold on for MLCer to come home.

I can't relate to Covenant stander but respect their choice. I am just inherently not cut out for that type of standing. I think where dating gets tricky and unhealthy isn't a matter of time following BD or start of MLC but in the manner an LBS tackles dating. For me, it's healthy if I have it as a back burner thing I do--behind the work I am doing on self and children. Dating can't be a major focus for me. Has to be "I can take it or leave it." I can't be consumed by it. THAT is when I'd put a wrench in my healing.

[nah]

I agree Nah but I think Elegance raises a good point that she feels the need for a Covenant stander support group/forum. Not sure if there is a dedicated thread for these folks but would probably be a good idea.

Ummm... that's what this forum was about until THEY made room for US. 

When I first came on this site and talked about dating several people questioned why I was on a "standing" forum. Well I felt I was standing AND dating, at the time it was controversial, now it seems like the norm.

Unless I'm wrong, Elegance questioned if dating should be allowed.

My main point is MLC is confusing enough, we don't need to start pointing fingers at different groups and questioning if they belong. If a person is hurting, then they should be welcomed, not judged.

[STP]

I highly suggest asking yourself "would I date me" and not getting serious about dating until you can answer "yes" without hesitation.

Absolutely no hesitation answering yes. I think that is why I have three women seeing me (A fourth married one as just friends too). As nah said...

Once we get back on our feet, do a little mirror work and get back out there.... we are a catch.  Big time.

Dating is very much in the moment for me. Relationships are not discussed nor is the past or future. It's all about fun during our time together. In an odd way its like a relationship minus all the day to day chores and just having the weeks highlights together.

I did the standing route the first time because it made sense to do so. This time it does not. GAL means taking care of yourself and creating your happiness. I don't have to tell you that greater happiness comes from being with people who want to be with you and if they show it physically with affection or gifts, all the better.

[Ready2Transform]

I agree Nah but I think Elegance raises a good point that she feels the need for a Covenant stander support group/forum. Not sure if there is a dedicated thread for these folks but would probably be a good idea.

Ummm... that's what this forum was about until THEY made room for US. 

When I first came on this site and talked about dating several people questioned why I was on a "standing" forum. Well I felt I was standing AND dating, at the time it was controversial, now it seems like the norm.

Unless I'm wrong, Elegance questioned if dating should be allowed.

My main point is MLC is confusing enough, we don't need to start pointing fingers at different groups and questioning if they belong. If a person is hurting, then they should be welcomed, not judged.

Agreed on all points! And likely, as change is always inevitable, the balance will continue to trade off between daters or non-daters. But everyone has value in the conversation, as it gives a much more broad offering of support when all of these diverse angles are present at the table. As long as we individually feel solid in our decision, standing or not, dating or not, it's all good.

[OldPilot]

Right or wrong I started "dating" very early on, just weeks after BD.  I was still devastated, I still had no idea what was going on, I also very much needed support.

So now in retrospect .

Do you think this was a good idea to start dating "very early on" before you were healed and whole?

I will wait for a follow up until after  you answer.

[nah]

Hell no. I was a fire-trucking mess.

When I say "dating", I mean I jumped in bed with my boss weeks after BD. I wasn't eating or sleeping. Then I starting drinking heavily, suicidal, revenge sex with much younger "men", revenge sex with husbands "friend",  you name it.

I never said I made good decisions in the early days, just the opposite.

I didn't post on this forum until a year after BD. It still took me a few years before I got on my feet and become me again. It was far from a straight path.

[nah]

To answer more to the point.

I should have waited.

[OldPilot]

To answer more to the point.

I should have waited.

Ah ok - I am in total agreement.

So what do we need to do to become whole and healed and when IS a good time to start dating?

[Kat0465]

I Stood for almost 2 years before I Dated?? at the time I didn't think it was really Dating. I met him thru Mutual friends he was single for 10 years, Had major surgery just a month after I met him. so I stayed around to help him get thru his surgery.Nothing Came of the relationship except friendship.

But I found out real quick that talking about it on here was a no no. A few Peeps questioned why I was here if I was dating I couldn't possibly  Be Standing.
But I always felt as thou I was. Now 3 years Post BD, I am GAL as best i can. im leaving him to his crisis.Does that mean im not standing? i have no idea. i posted a while back on how long is too long to wait.....that was a no no too.
I see my MIL who the exact same thing happened to.. 20+ years ago.. she is bitter,Unhappy,and miserable.that haunts me. i don't wanna be that person.
Standing or not, this Forum has saved my sanity many many days...