My last post was in Feb 2024 so my thread has been archived although it was probably about done anyway.

I am not done with the forum however.  I found myself checking my own thread this morning because H and I have booked a little anniversary getaway at the same place we went to in 2021.  To say that year was a $hitshow is an understatement.  I was curious to see how H remembered it because that getaway was almost cancelled because about 9 days before, H was supposed to ride off into the sunset on his Harley and move to another state to be with OW - or so she thought.  He had been home since March of that year but had been wobbling badly with the end of their relationship.

Over the course of our marriage, it was normal for us to go away for our anniversary so that year was going to be the first time we did that again after our separation.  I had booked it weeks before and then the $hit hit the fan but we decided to go anyway.  Many difficult conversations happened over that couple of days and one of our biggest arguments in history but overall, it was a good decision to go.  With so much trauma attached to that time/place, I was a little surprised to see him be so interested to go back.  I actually think that he was still psychologically quite drunk at the time so I wouldn't be surprised at all to see if it is a little jarring when we get there.  I think there needs to be a little bit of a jolt to be honest.

I think I have missed the therapy that comes from formulating your thoughts to post on this forum and then also, the support that comes back your way.  I have really spent the last couple of years 'resting' from any sort of inner work and I think I have taken that too far and maybe become stagnant and a bit grumpy??  I wrote about seeing a psychologist a couple of times but my rosters really stopped that from being something I could book easily.  I think I also realised that I was still mostly talking about H and trying to understand him and over the last couple of years, I have realised how fatigued I am from doing that.  I am also really fatigued by my relationship with my parents so I still have to unpack the stuff I said I had to unpack in my last post almost 2 years ago.  That's a disappointing realisation.  I am trying to be kind to myself and see the subtle changes that have happened but it also feels a lot like being stuck.

Funnily enough, I have had a few little 'chats' with ChatGPT and oh lord, that is a cheap way to get some good therapy too.  So much to chew on there.  I relate a lot to the Parentified child concept and am interested in how this translates to my relationship and what I sought from that in the early days. What I have discovered is that I felt safety from being needed and now I am just tired of it.  It has been my wish to gently change the dynamics with H because he, in particular, didn't set this dynamic up alone.  Whereas, wth my parents, I feel that a lot of the emotional contracts were imposed and it is stressful work trying to re-write those.  Both of my parents have progressed with their diseases (Mum has dementia and Dad has cancer) but have not really progressed with the handling of them.  They are still in their own home and are now truly overwhelmed at the idea of moving.  I keep offering help with that process but they (Dad in particular) just wants me to take over.  Unfortunately (or fortunately ??) my job has absolutely no regularity to it so I can't offer assistance on a regular basis.  If I still had my old job, I think there would be a lot of pressure on me to use my spare time to help them.  Unfortunately, my Dad seems to have little respect for my time and lashes out when seeking help instead of being vulnerable.  I feel so sad for them but also - telling me that you are nearly 80 and not going to change is not good enough anymore.

So where are H and I.  I'd have to say that we are fairly distant.  I think he would be surprised and very sad to hear me say that but would also know deep down that its the truth.  I feel like he has been depressed for a while now and alcohol is still a big part of his life.  Its definitely his preferred coping method.  He knows that my tolerance of it is diminishing, so now he is rarely drunk in front of me (unless it's a party).  Instead, he drinks when he is away for work or when I am not home.  Then he stops when he knows I am coming home.  I appreciate the respect that this shows toward me but it also feels like negotiation on his part. His alcohol free stints are less frequent and as a result he has put on a bit of weight.  There is a good deal of self loathing going on in there and its really hard to talk to him about any of it.  He has always preferred to deal with stuff on his own and tell himself that his issues don't affect others.  Again, I think he knows deep down that it does but he is mentally and emotionally negotiating how much.  I have withdrawn because it feels like I can't really talk to him about anything of substance since he either doesn't think he is depressed or just doesn't want to admit it for fear of having to act.

I have found myself getting annoyed with him so much more and I really don't mind him going away.  The man taught me how to like being by myself too much.  There are times that I think he is a pretty useless human when it comes to contributing anything other than financially to the household.  I also see a gentle person, battling demons, not lashing out (thank god), loving me with all his heart.  I just feel like I am waiting for him to come back to himself - if he was ever really there in the first place.

I am not getting much out of this marriage at the moment and I second guess my withdrawal because I am fully aware that marriages fall apart that way.  Its like I am sick of fighting for it and I don't know if that gives him space to step up or whether that is just naive because he may not have capacity to do that currently.  Is that me disabling him though?  Arrgghhh.  I know that I am not speaking my truth and I wonder if that's because I am scared that if I do, he will just annoy me more because it won't change much. 

I actually think it might be a bit of a cop out on my behalf because its a scary thing to do.  It's also pretty controlling.  My narrative is just getting carried away with itself unchecked and I am robbing him of the opportunity to respond/react or even surprise me.  I am also possibly underestimating how good it might feel to actually speak my truth......I just need to work out what that is.

Onto the rest of the fam.  I am super grateful for the everything else that is in my world.  It has been a bit of a challenging 18months on the work front because our company has been operating under Administration and looking for a new buyer.  That sale process is going through now and is a bit of a relief even though it was practically never in doubt because we are a much needed regional carrier.  At the beginning of the process, middle D lost her job due to redundancy.  That was a shock and bad timing because her boyfriend and her had just been approved for a loan to buy land.  The universe, in its glory, sent something better her way.  Within 10 days, she had a job at a local bank and was able to get approved for a discounted loan within a very short time frame.  She also was now cutting about 45 mins off her work commute and working with a brilliant team.  She has been very happy there.

They bought the land and in April this year, got engaged on a family holiday at our favourite place.  Such a special time.  All the kids and partners were there.  So with the job, land, house plans and engagement secured, a little soul decided to add herself to the group.  She is now 24 weeks pregnant with our first grandchild and since the build is a long process, they will still be living here for the about the 1st year of her life.  Very exciting indeed.

Oldest D (now 26) is still a First officer with our company and rapidly heading towards being a Captain.  She has done the extra study required and is now accruing the necessary hours.  Hopefully I will be flying with Captain D in the next 6-12 months.  She has moved out of home and is living with her boyfriend very happily.

S22 is kinda living back home thanks to a motorbike accident that saw him badly fracture his right leg.  Fortunately he didn't lose it but it was the kind of accident that often results in amputations.  3 operations and 2 weeks in hospital and he is now doing the rehab grind.  I am so proud of his resilience and determination during his recovery.  It's a lot to cope with being bed bound, attached to a catheter, in extreme pain and needing to use a bed pan for 2 weeks.  He has just continued to focus on what he can control and has worked very hard doing his exercises and stretches.  He is now cleared to start hydrotherapy and start using the leg.  A positive aspect of that injury is the amount of time we have spent together since then.  We were close before the accident but I often went a week or 2 without seeing him.  I have been his little wingman, secretary, nurse, taxi driver and all around Bro during this time and we've had a lot of laughs too.  He was in the process of leaving his real estate job as he was getting to the pointy end of a business build that he has been working on.  Unfortunately, the injury sped that up so he is jobless and only a little bit further forward with the business build because his focus just had to shift to this recovery project instead. He will get there though. He always does.



I have definitely forgotten how to link a previous thread and not sure if you can link an archived thread?  If anyone thinks it's a good idea and can do it, please do 

Journalling

My Halloween party was great fun as always but many notable people weren’t there and despite my plan to host it until 1am, everyone but buddy JS had left by 11:30pm. I was an 18th century ghost in a velvet maroon tux and KA was a pumpkin. Some friends of mine since the IL days came for the first time in 7 years which was great.

I visited my mom and she showed me a short video tour of XWs new jewelry store. She’s moved her business to its third location. A bigger and probably pricier location. No doubt being funded by her husband, the OM. Did see that her hair is pink right now and she’s covered in more tattoos-still in her crisis and seeking outward happiness to try and fulfill her sadness.

Two months after my final paycheck bounced NSF, I got paid via direct deposit. A week later I heard from a former coworker the business has a freeze upon it because of failure to pay back Lonas (in the millions) and the courts have taken over. My new job is alright. Much more physical at this package printer.

S33 contacted me and wanted my opinion on a matter that had arose so we met for dinner. I’m guessing he turned to me since XW is out of the country on vacation. I was shocked to learn S26s wife asked S33 (who had been drinking a lot) over after 11pm to fix some internet issue (S26 works nights and S33s gf goes to bed 9pm). It was a lie and she came on to him and they went to third base. I had to sleep on the betrayal and advised him to keep it unknown to all. Well, S33 has video cameras at S26s house (he’s an electrician) and erased footage of him going there that night. Crazily S30 was seen showing up that same night at like 3am (Supposedly S30 and the wife of S26 like to smoke weed together.) S26 questioned that and the missing footage and S33 came clean to his brother and his own fiancee. She left the house to go stay at her parents. Not really sure what S26 did with his wife after hearing the news. Not many of the family like her and this may just get her out. I’m sure XW knows now too. What happened to my sweet normal children?

I'm refinancing my house so I can remove my ex's name from the mortgage. She gave me a few years to accomplish this and while I do still have time, I want to cross this item off my todo list and forget about it. This process is churning a bunch of settled mud. I'm finding some jetsam washing ashore, but no letters in a bottle.

At times, I find myself the victim again. How could she do this to me? How could she inflict this on me? How dare she! The grief is as hard as it ever was but it isn't so totaling. I can recognize that the sun sits just beyond those rain clouds. At other times, I am simply annoyed at the paperwork, the tedium, the account archeology. It is overall pretty frustrating. The financial side is likewise uninspiring. I get to pay a large fee to obtain a worse interest rate and then give my ex a giant sack with a dollar sign on it. I guess I can consider it the last gift she'll receive from me.

Thankfully I am in a position to be able to actually do this. It's sad, disappointing, banal, and generally not how I imagined. The contrast between my understanding of our relationship and this is immense, but that difference isn't a surprise anymore. I am grateful that it no longer takes my breath away.

I can genuinely say that I wish the best for her. There's some nuance to that. At one point I was waiting in a line for customs somewhere. It was like 2am. No one wanted to be in this giant room. Someone must have been given "bad news" from an agent and they did NOT shrug it off. I watched this adult throw a tantrum in the middle of the floor for probably 10 minutes. He was making obscene faces, sticking his tongue out, and gesturing wildly. There was comedy in it, but he was obviously frustrated and distressed. I can imagine that feeling of the bottom falling out. I can imagine finally making it to the agent and then being told I made a trivial mistake and I'd have to restart everything. I felt for him and wished him the best. I then continued on and that was that. And I feel similarly about her.

Something has definitely shifted in me. I miss her. I even wish that we could be together. That being said, it doesn't "make sense" to me. There truly isn't even the fantasy of us reuniting. There isn't even a hypothetical path, a technical possibility. It is kind of like wanting Santa to bring you an item from your wishlist. It sure would be nice!

I also don't really "know" her. I think part of what contributed to my pain was that loss of the familiar. She was my comfort blanket. Her actions were so jarring that I didn't "believe" them. It wasn't her fault. She was ill, sick, out of her mind. She was anything so long as it is temporary, so long as it can be fixed or resolved. She is whatever I need her to be so that it will all go back to how it was, how it should be. But I no longer think it should be like that. I would quite like it to be like that, like it was, but the world keeps turning.

What was so meaningful, so impactful, so important... isn't. And what changed? Nothing, everything. There is no boundary, no line in the sand, no discrete step-wise clicking over. There is no before and after. There is no moment of transition, no here-today/gone-tomorrow. There is simply the constant shifting, the constant wilting, the constant melting, the constant dripping, the constant seeping, the constant twisting, the constant drifting. And now she is far away. Now she is distant. Now she is unreachable, unrecognizeable, un-. She is negated, absent, vacant, empty. She is a cardboard cut-out. She is a stand-in. She is a placeholder. She is a representation. She is an image, a thought, a shorthand, a daydream. She is the pointer to a concept that I don't believe in anymore. She is the container of childish things. The discarded toybox I outgrew. It's not that I don't want that feeling, it's that I don't BELIEVE that feeling. I can't play with action heroes anymore, not because it is wrong but because... why would I? It brings no enjoyment, there is no desire for it, the whole cycle is excised. There is no craving, no hope for payout, no loop. It's a complete graph that was snipped, now viewable only through binoculars, through the glass of a museum with a little placard saying "This work represents ...". It isn't visceral. It isn't present. It isn't manifest. It is merely noted, merely logged, merely recounted, merely recalled.

And here, at this evil and sacred place sits nothing new, nothing exotic, nothing unexpected. There is no catharsis, no freedom, no revelation. It's exactly what it always was. It's me. It's simply me. Some things added, somethings removed. It isn't the end of the world, it isn't the start of the world. It's my normal, regular ass life. She wasn't my antagonist. She wasn't my savior. She was my friend, now she isn't. She is a person I grew quite close to, quite fond of, and now don't know.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6mMOSPss4s

Ugh, how quickly another month goes by....

I'm pretty sure me and CW are done with CC for some time. It was useful place for enhancing communication skills under professional supervision, but progress has now become stale and even our therapist seems to have lost direction on what next.

To me it is pretty obvious we are at a different stage of readiness. I’ve done the meta-work - and would be ready to go next level.  But CW is still early on with her trauma stabilization and trauma containment work. These are entirely different developmental tasks. So our timelines and needs don’t sync,  and likely will not in many years.

There's really not much i can do besides taking care of myself, GAL and doing random prayers that things somehow turn out good. That's pretty much the only way through this, regardless of result.

Alvin

My ex-wife's trick was insisting (via lawyer) that my main bank account was an "in-and-out" for expenses, so we were supposed to split it. (Not true, I just don't frequently move money out of it.) She was scraping through every trick in the book to eke out a few more $k.