[forthetrees]

Jeesh kabob! Either KA is really important to you or just come clean with her and let her decide if she wants to be a sorta kinda GF or not. It seems that you easily stray into hound dog territory or need some mighty big ego strokes.

[STP]

Forthetrees, she is important to me. Much of what I write is thoughts, not actions.

Journalling

Two weeks past my hernia surgery I am doing well. Pain is only present in one incision point when touched.

Went out a week later to finish the kayaking season. I was instructed to not lift more than 10 lbs so my tan blonde friend TBP offered and came to my house on her way to the creek and put it in my car for me. The sunset was pretty out on the lake for the nine of us who went. Afterwards was dinner at a restaurant like usual. TBP followed me after to put my kayak back in my garage for me. On Friday, my day off, she texted me to see how I was doing after the kayaking and we texted about several things throughout the day. Sadly she wasn’t going to make it to my wine party. (My friend ET mentioned in my last post didn’t either).

Friday night I was at KAs as she has her daughter, and as often, we were on the couch watching tv. I fell asleep and woke up shortly later to see KA reading my conversation with TBP off my phone. She has never done that before. She was not pleased about a few things: TBP saying KA is difficult to talk to, me saying I had put songs specifically for her in my party playlist and previously stating I don’t really text with other women. KA asked me if she had any reason to worry. I said no.

My red wine party was great fun with 30 open bottles. The next day KA suggested joining the hiking group for a walk and lunch. Friend ET led that and the weather was nice. Now what to do with all the leftover wine.

[Treasur]

I am not sure if you don’t care much or are distracted or bad at boundaries or just being dumb. From my recollection, over the last few years you have had a couple of close encounters with women that are beyond ‘friendly’ that KA does not know about? You had dinner and a bit of fantasy metaphorical masturbation with a woman in your last post even though you said you knew KA wouldn’t like you having dinner with another woman. But you did it anyway.

Again, if I recall right, KA said to you a couple of months ago something to the effect that she feels the two of you are not sharing time and experiences that are unique to you? And has more than once expressed discomfort or discontent with some of the attendees at your group get togethers? And now she has checked your phone….and found some text messages she perhaps didn’t like much.

Earth to STP.
Women don’t check their partner’s phone unless they are a) very controlling or b) they know their partner has been unfaithful before and they can’t trust him or c) their spidey-sense instinct is telling them to look. Either way, for most women, it’s a big deal to do so - in 20 years it never occurred to me to check my h’s phone until just before BD when my instincts were screaming too loud to ignore,

Which of these is it?
And why do you seem to shrug these things off as not being very important?
Perhaps they - and your relationship with KA - are not very important to you. But that’s at odds with what you say, so idk.
It’s ok if it isn’t….but it would be honest and respectful to ensure KA gets the memo.
Or start behaving like someone who is in a long-term committed monogamous relationship that is important to him with someone he respects.
Or negotiate something in the middle when both people have the same factual information to base their choices on.

Most of us here, maybe all of us, know what it’s like to be lied to and treated with disrespect. And omissions of truth are in the same ball park as lying, aren’t they? If you told KA the truth about some of the dinners and encounters you have had with various female ‘friends’ of changing initials, would KA feel the same about you or stay in the relationship? Bc if there is even a small chance that your answer to either might be No, you are manipulating KA and removing her agency to make informed choices about her own life.

Idk why you are doing what you are doing or treating KA and even her kid as you are….or even posting about it here, sometimes tbh sounding as if you are rather proud that AB or CD or XY invited you to look at their etchings or sent you drunken sexy msgs……but as a former LBS, it sucks to read and I would hope that you are and want to be a better kind of man than that.

[Treasur]

You’ve been on my mind STP and so I took a trip back through some of your earlier posts.

I meant what I said in my last post but I also wanted to balance that out with other things in the spirit of fairness and empathy.

I think a lot of LBS here - including me - who struggle post divorce and feel a bit lonely could learn a lot from how you set about opening up your world to new activities and new people. Reading back, it was/is rather inspiring and started me thinking about actions to take in my own life.

The other thing is that the amount of gaslighting and blame-shifting you received from your xw in 2016 was horrific. Awful to read and tremendously unfair. And that you were betrayed by both her and a long-standing friend which is a lot to deal with.  There was a lot of ‘the problem is not what I’ve done, it’s your reaction to what I’ve done so dance harder….’ Awful. Not uncommon here that kind of manipulation but still awful. Reading back, I also had a sense that, maybe even before BD, your xw was pretty controlling and that sometimes perhaps you were afraid of her anger….certainly coming out fighting seemed to be her No 1 go to.

I can imagine that 2016 left you feeling really quite desperate for some validation and appreciation as a person and as a man. It really must have been very rough for you and I’m so sorry.

What I hadn’t remembered is how your GAL activities had moved you so quickly into the land of female ‘friends’ with interchangeable initials or how quickly post BD2 you started spending time with a range of other women. And that a number of them blew pretty hot and cold on you at a time when you were probably pretty vulnerable. What I can see is, from the adult cheap seats over here lol - is that there was a lot of behaviour going on that was like a bunch of superannuated teenage drama.

All of which made me start wondering if the shape of where you are today - good and not so much - was in reality born from people you met in 2016 and your understandable way of self-medicating how STP 2016 felt then and choices he made in that time? And then sort of became an habit, a new normal that continued with KA on the edge of your life? And perhaps she senses that? Obviously this perspective is worth what you paid for it which is absolutely nothing ha ha….and you have the right to live your life as you choose. But listening to STP 2016, he sounds like someone who values commitment and who knew what it felt like to trip over someone else’s lies and half-truths, who knew what it felt like to be disrespected and devalued and manipulated.

Idk how close STP 2016 is to STP 2024. Or the ways in which you see the world differently now than then. But if there is any sliver of you that feels you may be doing KA (or yourself) a disservice, I would encourage you to think about finding a decent IC to figure out how you want to approach some issues like sloppy boundaries and control and anger and honesty just in case you are inadvertently dragging along old luggage that you no longer need.

As always, jmo. And I wish you only good things x

[STP]

Thank you for your comments Treasur and the deep dive into my past. Your words and perspective are valuable to me. I do wonder why I continue to come here to post (8 years divorced now) with little to no contact with my XW. MLC doesn’t really fit into my existence anymore, so do I belong here? I just journal my activities for whatever reason and private thoughts. At times I like to read back to them.

When I slow down to think, I sometimes wonder if I feel love? It’s certainly a different set of feelings than I had with XW. I think of it as a more mature thinking love, than emotional. That said, with so much detachment over the years I feel less passion and strength with my emotions. I’m very aware of my mortality and don’t want to have any regrets by passing on things I might enjoy. The FOMO has faded but it can be there when I get invites.

The various women friends with initials posts are just to have ‘something’ to write about and I try to have transparency here. I could easily stop writing that aspect to avoid the scrutiny from you all. I think KA checked my phone out of curiosity, like I used to skim through the bedside notebook she keeps about our dates or lack of. I try to care less what others think but her opinion matters and has nudged me to do less texting. I have not texted with TBP since.

I did fear my XW and her anger was so prevalent that I walked around on tiptoes to try and avoid it but she still found ways to rage on me. You are right about 2016 being a transformative year as I switched to an extrovert and started running wild! It was very much like a HS experience (not like one I had before). The start of my new normal with KA on the edge of my life is an accurate way to put it. I was very determined after BD2 to not make any one person the source for my happiness like I did with XW. KA adds a great deal of happiness, direction and purpose to my life but I’m fine without her too. I have to be. Not to disvalue her, but to protect my heart from any fall. I love what we have-it works and she’s so different than XW in better ways.

I try to not drag old luggage along, especially in the way of old friends removed from life. I have deleted some and unfollowed others. I don’t think there’s any initials women from page one I am still talking about.

Journalling

I led my monthly hike on a Sunday. Buddy JS attended as well as ten other friends. This includes couples that have met on my events and begun dating. I’m not a matchmaker, but do like to provide activities for mingling and meeting up. I’m very aware of friends leaving my social circle so new ones are always invited in.

After the hike & following lunch, I went to the nearby home of CR to return her kayak paddles I’ve had in my possession a couple weeks. Her front door and screen door were both propped open, so I called out hello and placed them just inside the door. As I was leaving, CR came running out and invited me in for a chat. She’s one who joined my kayaking group purely by accident in June, as another member was turning around in her dead end driveway and met her. Petite, busty, platinum blonde in her early 60’s, she clearly has lots of $. A very sweet lady and we talked for a couple hours in her living room. What I remember most is her large selection of fake plants and how my home could use some to feel more homey. She’s not one for parties or loud activities so it’ll be some time before I see her again.

KA came over for our date weekend which transformed with two birthday invites FRI and SUN. She said we should go. The first party was at a bar seeing a band, like we used to do in the old days, with 15 or so long time friends, for a guys 65th. While dancing with KA, a woman BB, I might've mentioned more than 6 mos ago, kept winking at me. She later hugged me and said she couldn't make it to my halloween party-No loss for me. This woman does whatever she wants with no thought to anyone.

Saturday was just us and KA suggested we go look at some Halloween decorated homes. She is terrified of evil clowns and walking up the fifth driveway, an evil looking Ronald McDonald jumped out and chased her with a chainsaw. She shrieked and ran flailing to the car. We left, doing no more and I comforted her the rest of the night. I put a disclaimer in my approaching Halloween party for her, that no clowns would be admitted.

Sunday was my brothers 60th at a brewery. KA felt neither birthday party could be passed up and it was a good time we had.

Tonight KA will come over and it’ll be our tv night. This upcoming weekend we go with her D12 and mom to the annual covered bridge festival. I have no other events this month other than my Halloween party on the 26th. KA will probably not sleep over as I try to get as much use out of all the decor I work so hard to put up, thus this party I allow to go late. Just so you know, my decor has nothing to do with Hollywood film characters & horror. There is no blood or anything gross. KA said I need an intervention as I bought 115 🎃decorations this year.

[xyzcf]

Hi STP...just a few of my thoughts...sample of one

MLC doesn’t really fit into my existence anymore, so do I belong here?

Everyone belongs here for whatever reason unless you are not respectful to others. I'm 15 years post BD and there is no time frame on how long a person or why a person posts.

I led my monthly hike on a Sunday. Buddy JS attended as well as ten other friends. This includes couples that have met on my events and begun dating. I’m not a matchmaker, but do like to provide activities for mingling and meeting up. I’m very aware of friends leaving my social circle so new ones are always invited in.

I love this! I am part of a weekly dinner group of people who live alone. Usually we are about 12-16 people. Sometimes some of us will go to a concert, we have Christmas and Hallowe'en parties...for many who live alone, this is a valuable night out where they can be like others going out to various restaurants and not eating alone.

I’m very aware of my mortality and don’t want to have any regrets by passing on things I might enjoy.
KA adds a great deal of happiness, direction and purpose to my life but I’m fine without her too. I have to be. Not to disvalue her, but to protect my heart from any fall. I love what we have-it works and she’s so different than XW in better ways.

Thanks for being so honest in sharing how you feel. Many of us can relate.

Have a fun Hallowe'en party!

[readytofixmyselffirst]

Hello,

I do wonder why I continue to come here to post (8 years divorced now) with little to no contact with my XW. MLC doesn’t really fit into my existence anymore, so do I belong here? I just journal my activities for whatever reason and private thoughts. At times I like to read back to them.

Just as Treasur posted, your presence provides a different perspective. I think it is great that you live your life and have a variety of activities and do group things. Over the years, how many lonely people have you brought together in your events? A lot and though you may never know, your actions post divorce demonstrate someone committed to living a life to the fullest extent possible. In the past, I stuck to a routine and lived just for my wife and children. Now, I try different things and go to different places. Two weeks ago, my wife and I went to Solvang and spent a nice weekend together. I would have never done that in the past.

The point is that I enjoy reading your posts and activities and it demonstrates that even though our spouses are gone, our lives are not in shambles.

I think of it as a more mature thinking love, than emotional. That said, with so much detachment over the years I feel less passion and strength with my emotions.

I agree, but I also think that you have divested your passions into many people and activities and not just one person. That's a focus of a love of life and not a love of one's life.

Keep posting and keep on living,

(((Ready)))

[Curiosity]

Joining in to add my comments that everyone is welcome here unless they make this space unsafe for other members of the community. For me, it's always good to read about the various ways in which we learn to heal and thrive and live our best lives after a betrayal and abandonment that, in almost every case, we never saw coming. Our post-BD lives may be very different, but there are always lessons to be learned and I think that you captured some really important points in your post - particularly, for me at least, the bit about not wanting to regret missing out on anything. For me, that includes a lot of introspection and mindfulness, seeking peace and creative outlets and taking joy in the simple moments of my life; not many of the social activities that bring you joy. But I think it's really important for us all take the time and make the effort to find our own paths, and reading about other experiences is a great reminder of how, no matter how different we are, there are these fundamental commonalities in what we each want and need at the heart of it all. So even though I don't post much (on your thread or in general), I always appreciate your updates.

[STP]

Thanks for the comments xyzcf, ready and curiosity.

I'm going to try and post more frequently and shorter posts. KA and I both celebrated our birthdays since my last post. We got together on hers for dinner and present exchange. Apart for mine, S25 stopped by for dinner and gave me a book to write in called "Dad, what's your story?" Lots of questions to tell him and the brothers about my life. He said XW had given all her Halloween decor to him.

Saturday was my 23rd Halloween party. KA and I did a rare couples costumes: me as Chester Cheetah and her a bag of flaming hot Cheetos. Buddy JS was a taco. None of the other initials women I've talked about recently were there other than besties TBP and JKR. I had 51 people attend which I think is a record at this house. S31 came for the first time (I invited his gf, which made it happen) as well as S25 + gf and S22 (very briefly.) My realtor DS wasn't there so who was gonna win sexiest costume? Another friend, who I voted for did. Her and bf are longtime friends for 8 yrs. KA left at midnight to go home to get sleep. With just seven left the last hour, JS asked me about TBP after she left. She is a happy drunk dressed as a black cat which translates to acting cute, so he noticed.

I had 15 monster rubber ducks which I planned to give away and KA suggested they go to people who come talk to her. It was a way for her to meet some of these hiker women I invite and becomes friends with them. While cleaning I noticed one of my large monster duck decorations had gone missing. A casually mentioned this in text to JKR, who then called me to explain her bestie TBP had mistakenly taken it to give to her (she has a jeep). TBP texted me today, mortified, not aware she had stolen from me. All funny to me, I'll get the duck back when they attend my rock painting event on the 17th.

People really had an amazing time and I saw the next day XW and OM went to some farm in MI with the four kids. I still think it's messed up he has no relationship with his two kids. Not sure who unowned who?

I'll go to KAs for Halloween night and this weekend she has D12 so I was given a pass and Sat. night got roped into being the DJ at a friends weird party where you eat & score food in a game he made up. The more points you get the more time you get to have your songs played. Lowest scored person has to eat their worst scored food. It's a bomb, lowly attended and not appealing to most friends. The following day I'm leading a 5-mile hike for close to 30 people. Then decor to take down and put away.

[STP]

Journalling

Happily my friends weird party was cancelled so I stayed in with KA. The numbers dwindled on my hike the next day but that's always expected and fine. Buddy JS talked to a new guy FB on the walk and later after lunch I did. He's in the throes of D with his wife monstering at him. I gave him some detachment advice and links to here. I believe he joined the Facebook group. He's in the earliest stages still in the same house as no doubt she's trying to secure a landing place with a hidden OM. I gave him tips on how to get A life and focus on improving himself. They have no kids.

While cleaning my house, I found a printout of a note XW wrote another man way back in 2011 after we got back together. It had confessions to this married, tattoo artist that she had a school girl crush on him. There was something about photos they took together. Old news and that all blew up when the guys wife got wise to it. I put the note and memory away.

While out for lunch with KA, I snapped a pic of her drinking a Affy Tapple martini and posted it on Facebook. Of small significance is her wearing her amythst & diamond ring on her wedding finger. I hadn't even noticed and we had a laugh about it. She moves the ring around on her fingers. We wondered if anyone would say anything? No posts about it except DC whom Ive stopped texting and giving attention to, messaged me asking if we're engaged. I simply said no and that you'll be before I am, seeing as she lives with her bf now. I thought it odd of all I know, her specifically to ask. Hmm?.

This Sunday after a weekend at KAs, I'm hosting a rock painting party. I have 20 coming. Most are women friends I know and the two guys. The new guy mentioned above is coming. It'll be good for FB to be around fun women not having MLC,