Bon, as I read through your thread; I recognize the place you're in; as I've been there, too....you've a man who for so long denied wanting to have anything to do with you, shattered your trust; did many things you thought he would NEVER do......and now he's trying to come forward to you; you're not sure what to think.
You can't see from where you are at this moment in time; neither could I; and I thought I would never trust him again; but in spite of all the trust issues I had for a number of years; I did regain that trust; and hold it, even now...it's not the same kind of trust I had before; what I had before was BLIND trust; now, it's an "eyes wide open" kind of trust; I'm not blind to him, anymore...his behavior is predictable; he explains everything, nothing held back; and it took us time to reach this point in our relationship...just as it will take you and your husband time, too...but it will return...little by little, step by step, as he proves himself once again to you.
What you also have on your side, is the fact that you've dealt with something similar before; many changes were made back then by you; and there's not much left for you to do to finish. You can do this; I know you can.
You say you'll never trust again; never say never; because you'll find, in time, as your marriage comes back together; you'll end up eating your words; especially after he proves himself again to you; and if you're looking for remorse; you won't necessarily get that; the whole story will come out in bits, pieces, and parts; it NEVER comes out all at one time, as I well know.
I struggled with trust issues; even as I was still in the process of becoming the person I needed to be; and I found that as long as I trusted GOD; I didn't need to trust my husband; I had enough confidence in myself to know that if something went wrong; I would always know about it.
But time, heals ALL wounds; given time; and though there are some aspects you may never forget; once you heal from the emotional damage;(and you WILL, because I did); you'll leave this where it needs to be, the past; not buried; but resolved....yet, again, it takes TIME; you'll get through this.
If I can come through whole and healed; I don't see any reason you can't do the same....and I'm not any stronger, any better, or any bigger than any of you.
I get angry that we (LBS) are going through same issues as MLC spouse. We are growing older, struggling with lost youth and dreams. We to have that. Not to admit wrongdoing to us as through we are parents instead of spouse, hurts. That is where I have been, treated as a mother. I want to act immature and have fun as well. I am tired of feeling as though I caused any of this by being laid back in my marriage, by trusting. In trusting I have lost faith in love. I have now, but I am working to get it back.
Hurtingbig, at least you're making the necessary connection that it's not just your MLC spouse that's facing issues; it's you, too; facing the same TYPE of issues. That generally leads to the conclusion that the LESSONS that are learned out of this are the SAME for BOTH people.
It is not the issue(s) you face; however, but HOW you deal and face everything that matters; and that means actually facing it head on, and resolving this problem; in time.
Remember the fact that the MLC'er has actually REGRESSED back to childhood; and that will take you a long way toward understanding WHY they hide things from the LBS; AS IF, the LBS is a parent...children don't wish to get into the trouble; and the MLC spouse is of that mindset. Sounds crazy, I know; but that's how it is; I dealt in the same way.
In the LBS' case, it is perfectly acceptable to have fun; and still be mature adults; that is where the GAL comes in; you find something fun to do; and just do it; no one's holding you back; unless you allow them to hold you back. As long as it's not wrong; do whatever you choose to do.
I cannot say that because my trust was shattered at one time; that I lost faith in love itself. I'd learned during his MLC that love and trust don't go hand in hand; they are separate. I still loved my husband, but I didn't trust him for a very long time; you can love without trusting; it's hard; but it can be done.
On the other hand, at a later time; I found I was losing my love for my husband; but it came back; given time; as I progressed through the resolution of my own feelings, perception, and what I found to be a steady commitment within myself to hold on; hang tight; and walk the road before me; praying as I went.
Not trying to "fix" you or even fuss at you; just presenting another point of view.
I know it seems like you all will never come through this; and it seems the road is so long that you don't know just how long you will be able to walk it. I asked some of the same questions; and ranted like a mad woman at times; but time was what I had; and I used it as wisely as I possibly could; all the while; getting my focus OFF of him; and putting it on ME; because I became the most important person there was for a long period of time; and since I could not do anything for me; I decided to do for ME.
So, I emotionally left him behind; although I was still there, physically...I came and went as I pleased; and stopped worrying about him...this didn't happen overnight; it started with a conscious effort; and became a habit after a period of time.....at least, until he started turning back; then a whole new set of "rules" went into place.
It's hard, at first, getting your focus off the MLC spouse and onto you; but time is a factor here; because you must DECIDE; making a conscious decision to do for yourself; because you sure can't do anything for them...and if they decide to follow at a later time; ok, if not, eventually, that will get ok, too...
It's really hard to know what to do, and when to do it; but the MLC spouse is someone you've been with for a long period of time; and you KNOW them; therefore you've got a working idea of how they are; even as they act like strangers.
It's best to just "leave" them behind; and get on with your life; and hope they might turn; but if they don't; remember this is a choice they make to lose everything they once had; this is not something you "caused" to happen, nor is it your fault....the MLC spouse bears ALL responsibility for their actions; and this has everything to do with them, and nothing to do with you......don't take their actions personally, it will only increase the hurt you already feel.
It was just as hard for me to come to realization, as it is for you to deal with what you're seeing at the moment; a total stranger you don't even know; and don't know if you will ever know them again...but there is a chance you will; there is always hope as long as you still love the MLC spouse..if all love is lost; all hope will be gone.
Hope is what you have when everything else falls away. I know, I've been there, too.
Love to you,
HB
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Becoming a better person?