[BonBon]

I am reluctant to ask this for fear it may take away some people's hopes of feeling better but it's been bothering me for some time.  I've read so much about this being a journey for both the MLCer and the LBS and that ultimately, as you work on yourself, you come out a better person.

My question for all of you is do you feel this will be the case for all of us?  I don't see how it possibly could for me.  My trust is in the toilet.  My faith in the glory of true love...gone.  I did not have a perfect marriage but it was great.  I'm sorry, I know people may not believe this but I've had two years to think about it and even H agrees that it was.  And I am not in denial - I would face any ugly truth to heal what happened here. 

Don't get me wrong.  I would love to think this will make me stronger and wiser some how but right now, all I can see myself as becoming is more jaded, more tired and less optimistic.  Oh, and did I mention trust?  Gone.  Probably forever.  How is this supposed to make me a better person?  I appreciate your insights.

[xyzcf]

Dear Bon bon, I justwrote a post that explains how I am feeling, today anyway..but as time goes on I feel more and more that my life will smooth out again. I don't want another relationship and crazy as it sounds..I could trust the Beloved I know him to be..not who he is today...but the one that is locked down inside him if he ever surfaces.

If you can imagine..could you have ever thought this could happen to you? I never did. So, if I could not have imagines this..then what is to prevent things from changing in a different directions again. I have heard many stories of couples coming back together and have talked in the flesh to Stayed's husband..will this happen for all of us?

We shall indeed all change...we have lost that innocence perhaps....I think that if we allow ourselves and don't shut down because of the pain and the hurt..that anything is possibe..with or without our spouses returning. But we must be open to those possibilites or we shall miss out on so very much.

[Still]

BonBon,

I think as with any adversity we face, we are stronger. The scars that we bear from this or any other difficulty in our lives are stronger than the original tissue they replaced.

That doesn't mean that we won't have difficulties in some areas. Trust will take longer to rebuild or to build if you no longer stand for your relationship.

I look at it like this....when I was in the worst of it all and my despair was greater than I thought any human could bear, I saw things very futile. Now that I am no longer in that place, I have been able to see so much around me that is beautiful and amazing. I have discovered how deeply I was loved by my family and my friends. I have found such a deep reliance on God and my spirituality....something that I thought was strong, but was truly lacking in so many ways. I have found an independence in myself that I never knew existed. I have found that I didn't have to give all of me away.....that I had value and sometimes I needed to put myself first. I have found that virtual strangers located all over the world could be a source of strength to me in so many ways.

I think what we gain personal is so incredibly valuable. It allows us to go back into that relationship or a new relationship as whole people. People who have found themselves and people who know what they need.....who know how much of themselves they gave away. I think we need to be able to value ourselves like we should have all along in order to move forward.

Does the experience make us cynical? I don't think any of us can truly know that until we are on the other side and completely healed. I think it is only in hindsight that we can see the value in all that we have experienced.

Just my thoughts.

[trusting]

Bon,

I hear ya.  My trust is shattered and it is hard to believe I could ever trust my H again.  EVER.  Ever, ever, ever.  Yet I have to trust (ha ha) that if we end up together he will work on building that again.  He will have to.

My M was also good - not perfect but really good.  I don't know if my H blames me still for how horrible (?!?!?) his life turned out, at least he doesn't outwardly, but who knows.  I know it wasn't me or our marriage that broke him.  It was something within him that he has to fix, or be willing to try to fix.

This journey has taught me that I am stronger than I ever knew.  My faith and relationship with God has deepened significantly.  I have learned to not sweat the small stuff.  I have learned/am learning patience.  My changes are there, but I am not a completely different person.

I have a hard time not being cynical about marriage and "true love" these days.  I hope that is just a phase and I can believe in it all again.

((hugs))

[Dontgiveup]

I may fall further to the optimistic side.....so I guess I should say that up front.  Do I think I can trust my ex-wife again?  Yep.  Am I now jaded on relationships in general?  No.  What we as LBS are experiencing is, actual diseases aside, about the worst thing that can happen to someone......that being MLC.

I trust that MLC is a process.  I think there are a couple of things in the MLC stories thread that should not be overlooked.  One is that when the MLC has passed, there is true remorse from the MLCer.  It's not the on their hands and knees begging kind of remorse, but as RCR's article says, that's not what to look for.  The second thing falls under the category of they can't help it (it being the MLC).  Like Jim Conway writes, it's not like the MLCer asked for this to happen to them.  I know, some LBS have empathy and some don't.  I am one of those who do.  I don't believe my ex-wife asked for this, and I do believe she will have regrets.....which will hopefully lead to a desire to rebuild.

I am tired of the MLC.  But understanding that it is a process helps me to deal with that.  It's like my friend told me a couple of days ago.....the process has seemed accurate so far for both his ex-wife and mine.....so we can hope it will continue that way.

There are not a bunch of changes that I am making with myself....I am not the one in MLC.  However, being an LBS, I am learning more about patience and the unconditionals.....love, grace, forgiveness.

[BonBon]

Thanks to you all.  I do believe that hindsight may reveal more than I am aware of now and I hope that is the case.  I was tested in love long ago, by someone before H.  Frankly, I was devestated by this person and had my strength tested tenfold.  I did not think I would have to bear witness to this sort of betrayal again.  I thought my "tests" from above would not be in the same area. 

What is funny is that now that H's replay is waning and he is loving and affectionate to me again, it is now that I am feeling more cynicism than ever.  Perhaps before, when I was so confused and freaked out, I didn't have time to contemplate the issue of my own growth...or lack of...or whether that growth would simply be change and not for the better.

I don't know.  The jury is out for me.  I am sure some people wind up with better marriages.  I think right now that this may have been a necessary journey for my husband but I just can't make the leap that it has or will benefit me. 

I do value hearing what others have to say and hope this garbage of a situation benefits others in the long run.

I was an optimist previously.  I think that's why even though H's MLC was low energy, I got really sucker punched nonetheless.  I have discovered that I do love him very deeply but I am dismayed to realize I have little to no empathy, despite the fact I do believe this was not something he wanted and perhas some sort of mental disease.  I'm not proud of that...typically I have tons of compassion for most everything and everyone.  Hmmm.

[BonBon]

DGU,
Since we're not supposed to look for remorse in the form of begging on hands and knees, what exactly do we look for?  I read RCR's article but I still don't really understand.

Thanks,
Bon

[trusting]

Okay, this sounds really ironic but I am more optimistic about life in general than I was pre-MLC.  Maybe it is because I have had to make myself look at the blessings and the good things to take my focus off the negative.  Of course, that doesn't make any sense based on what I said before.    It is hard to explain.

I know I am just weary, weary, weary and that colors a lot of my thoughts right now

I am certainly hoping for some expressions of remorse some day. My pain has been so deep and going on so long now.

[Dontgiveup]

From my view there are a couple of things that RCR says that help me with what it means.  One is the sentence below.

Groveling and begging are desperate, not remorse. Remorse is genuine and deserves respect.

Knowing a bit about my friend's situation, this is what his ex-wife seems to be doing.  She has put things rather simply to him thus far.  She has said things like she doesn't know what she ever saw in the other man (whom she married and divorced in less that two years).  She told my friend that she can only imagine how bad it must have hurt to see her leave.  And she said she wishes she would have listened to people who tried to advise her to stay married to my friend.  She is taking it slow.

Jim Conway describes the "coming down" from MLC as gradual.  Trust does have to be rebuilt.  True remorse by the MLCer will go a long way in helping rebuild trust......as will true forgiveness from the LBS.

[trusting]

I have been working on forgiving this whole time, but perhaps my fear of not being able to trust him is the fact that day after day the hurtful things are in my face and it is hard to remain as detached from them as I "should."  I don't know if that makes any sense.