[Trustandlove]

BonBon, I, too, thought I had already dealt with a lot of horrible things before I met and married my H.  Specifically relationship things.  I, too, thought I had found someone who shared my values, was devoted, was unequivocally loyal and honest. 

So there is no rhyme or reason.  Life throws things at us; each affects us in different ways.  I do think my H had, indeed somewhere in there still has, all those qualities listed above.  But it turned out that his coping skills weren't as developed as they needed to be to deal with what life threw at us. 

To tell you the truth, I don't think any of us knows how we would react to certain things; and it's not even each individual thing, it's the mix. 

But we owe it to ourselves to keep going and to keep learning.

[kappy]

Bon Bon. I agree with you. I wonder all the times what's going to happen. When he comes out of this mess, will I want to be with him and spend time with him. I'm guessing human nature will help us to eventually forget but will we ever forgive him for the torture, pain and emotional turmoil.  Will we ever recover fully or will we be traumatized for life. I ask myself constantly and honestly I'm scared o the answer.  What if once he comes
Out of his MLC, I'm the one that wants nothing to do with him.  As I detach more and need him less and he is less and less emotionally and physically tender towards me, will I ever get tired and then not want him in my life.  It's very scary and tormenting!!

[BonBon]

I do agree we owe it to ourselves to keep growing and learning.
I guess I am just in an exhausted and somewhat bitter mode right now and I apologize for that.  It's not that I feel I should be immune to this since I already went through relationship hell long ago, it's just that I feel that I can't possibly learn over again what I've already learned.  Only the future will tell me that I guess.

Kappy, I think alot of us face or have faced that question.  I already have faced that as my H is only barely still dangling in replay and has come quite far through the tunnel (don't get me wrong...we have a long ways to go).  The question you raised scared me terribly though so I know what you mean.  I decided I didn't need to have the answer until I saw this through and I was not going to quit until all the cards were played out.  I'm stubborn...more stubborn than the MLC so far.

I do have a deep love for my H.  That hasn't changed and it's been tested.  But I have other feelings that aren't so positive and those will need to be worked out.
I think we all have to do that.

[Dontgiveup]

A few rambling comments.....


MLC has very little to do with the marriage (as a cause of the crisis).  It has much much more to do with the emotional development of the one going through the crisis.  I am a FIRM believer in that based on MLC stories that I know about and based on the research that RCR has done.

The LBS will nearly always have the final choice on whether the relationship is rebuilt.  Read RCR's blog from yesterday.....toward the end, it mentions this.

MLC is so hard on the LBS because it typically involves both infidelity and abondonment....two of the hardest things to deal with.....and the LBS usually gets to deal with both.  This is why I believe when the MLCer is truly remorseful, trust can more easily be rebuilt.  It's hard to see that for most of us right now because we are still in the eye of the MLC storm.

[kappy]

Bonbon. Don't get me wrong. I'm absolutely positively sure that I love my husband. Incan guarantee you that ibloved him  today more than I did before. My lie has grown through the storm.

Dontgiveup.  I don't intend to give up and I plan to fight til the end. I am scared that when it's all said and done, I'll be out of gas to keep going.  I pray to God for strength, guidance and patience to get me through the storm. And I always pray for my miracle!!
By the way, I always pray for everyone here too that is going through their own storms!!

 

[hrtnbig]

Bon Bon

I am fairly new on here.  I have been through hell in my life too and trust wasn't easy for me to get to either and I fully and completely trusted my h prior to last summer.  He had a weird EA.  Anyway.  He still complains about me not trusting him, why?  He doesn't acknowledge any of what he did, thus causing my attitude to be "jaded" badly.  I fight this, I don't want to be jaded, not because of someone else.  That just makes me mad.  I do believe that some of us are more likely to find ourselves in this spot as LBS but that is because we give EVERYTHING to our spouse.  Our hearts, our souls everything.  I did.  How can you give it all to them and be okay when they act like frickin lunatic.  I don't know that answer, but I WILL prevail, somehow.  You will see me having BAD days still, but I fight within me a lot to NOT be jaded and to NOT say love isn't real.  I was a great lover of love stories prior to H's MLC, but not so much now.  Now they irritate me.  This is part of ME I want to fix, I don't want him to take that away from me, my ability to love and trust.  YOU protect your heart, find a way and do it.  Easier said than done, but necessary.  Good luck I will continue to read on your posts and see how you do.  This is a really awful place to find ourselves, but at least there are all these fantastic people living with the same pain and they tell us how they feel, that reminds me I am NOT crazy.  I just loved.

[GottaBeMe]

I think that this is such a good question that you ask.  I was just talking about this with my daughter around a week ago. 

With me, it probably has more to do with  the financial devastation more than the abandonment but it's really hard for me to separate because the two go hand in hand.  I was ruined completely financially, and unless a true miracle happens, I will never recover.    Daily life is very hard for me.  I have health problems that I can't take care of, I go without most everything except what is necessary....and I go without some of that. 

I hate to sound negative too, but on the whole, I can honestly say that I'm not a better person, in accordance to what I think a good person should be.  Maybe  people have different views on what "better " is?  I try my best everyday but I can honestly say that I always did.  My basic values are the same as they have always been.  I'm kind to others, I'm respectful and I'm understanding....up to a point.

I used to be so empathic, but I'm less so now. From the time I was a little girl whenever anyone got hurt, it bothered me terribly.  I stopped watching local news years ago because the horrible stories were too much for me.  I did not need to become more compassionate.   

I'm not bitter or hardened, at least I don't think so, and I don't want to be that way.  I find it difficult now though to listen to people when they are complaining about their spouse, and how they did the laundry wrong, or how they haven't had a vacation in two years.  I haven't had one in about 7 and probably will never have one again!  Try having your husband abandon you 2 weeks before your 25th anniversary without so much as a note, if you really want a reason to be pissed off!  I never say these things but I think them.  Does this make me a "better person".....I don't think so. 

I suppose I'm stronger in some areas than I used to be but I'm weaker in others.  I'm stronger in that I survive on my own, I handle my emotions better than I used to but in the ways that really matter to me, like being a productive person, and helping people, I'm truly lacking.  I'm too busy taking care of myself because I have to.  All the issues involved here from the abandonment, the affairs, ....all the MLC craziness has killed a gazillion brain cells in me....some of it may be due to getting older ...I don't know.

That which does not kill you sometimes leaves you handicapped but I really am not a complete basket case, and I have found, and will continue to look for any blessings that I possibly can find.....it's what you have to do.  I laugh and joke around everyday.  At the moment, I live in the moment and I don't worry about a whole lot, I can't afford to. I help people whenever I can but my ability to do so is less than it used to be. 

[GottaBeMe]

hrtnbig,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here.  I can identify with what you say, I feel the pain in your words.

I have a feeling that you will not let this take away your ability to love and trust.  I used to feel the same way but despite everything that I've been through, and I'm aware of the damage it's caused, I know that I can love and trust again.  I don't know why, I don't know when I realized that I have that ability but I don't question it.  Everything takes time.

There was a time when love stories irritated the crap out of me too, now I can enjoy them again.....

Early on after my XH abandoned me and it truly felt like he wanted to annihilate me, I wrote him an email.  It was partly because I was struggling so badly to hold on to something but it was also to thumb my nose at him  a little.  I entilted it "Blessings".  I had to think long and hard to find any but the things that I found were all about me.  He took everything away from me, what we had worked 25 years for, it felt like he had taken away my pride, my sanity, it felt like he was trying to take away my identity because of all the badmouthing and lies....but I knew who I was, and what I had to hold onto was knowing who I was.  He couldn't take THAT away from me. 

My "blessings" were along the lines of I'm blessed because I still the ability to find joy, in nature, animals, children, etc.
I know how to love,  I have my integrity....etc.  Rather pathetic but it's all I had!

I'm not suggesting you tell your H this or anything like it. Do it for YOU.  But perhaps come up with a list of your own of things about yourself that you really value, and remember that nobody can take these things away from you unless you let them.

[Trustandlove]

I agree with DGU that if the MLCer is truly remorseful, trust can be rebuilt.  Completely.  That is what I learned from my conversation with my mother.

I pray for the opportunity to do that with my H as well; so far I seem to have tried to control that, to make it happen; maybe finally now I'm letting go enough for it to even be a possibility. 

But it definitely can be. 

[StandandDeliver]

GBM,

It sounds like you have truly had it rough. I have to admit that for me it is necessary to "make" myself do the things that mattered to me before. Like take care of my friends even when their problems seem so inconsequential compared to mine ( in 4 mths H left me with 2 small children in a foreign country, then my father almost went to prison, then my Grandmother who I was very close to died and I couldn't attend her funeral because I was moving that day because I need to get a job after being a SAHM for a number of years as H is not going to support me for very long). I actively have to make myself "care", but when I do and I get back to discussing normal everyday problems with friends it actually helps me remember who I am and the person I should remember to be. Also, it takes the focus off of me, which is good because otherwise I would tend to wallow in my own misery which, never mind everyone else, is no good for my mental or physical health. It is an effort but again I see it as part of "acting as if". It is a cliche but it is my small way of following the idea that you have to "be the change you want to see in the world".

One of my great complaints about my H in the months before BD is that he was all words but no actions. He was king of "say the right thing, but do nothing". I refuse to be like him, which is a powerful motivator!!