[Dontgiveup]

If we did not cause it, if we are not to blame for our spouse's MLC, why is it then after I read this article that I feel our (LBS) weaknesses were the things that make the OW/OM more attractive and needed for our MLCer so much so that if we were to be attractive again to our spouse, we have to become more like the OW/OM? Why is that we need to fixate on their needs (make them feel better about themselves) as we go about changing ourselves?

I read something a little different in the article.  I do see in this article that she seems to acknowledge rarely complimenting her husband.  From my perspective, that is a separate issue from MLC.  It's hard to know from reading this article if it is actually MLC, or a non-MLC affair.  MLC is so much more than the story of the affair......but often the affair is the part we read about.

The wisdom gained from this story though is to detach from the behavior of the MLCer, continue to mature your Self, and be respectful and show grace despite what others (including your spouse) may do toward you.  I would say that's what I get out of it.

[SavingGrace]

DGU, UP and Acsending, I appreciate the clarification as I try to grasp the intent of the article.

For me personally, the article had the W hold back her compliments, but what if in your M you actually did compliment your spouse? Freely? Without hesitation and reservation and it was just never enough?  The compliments were never reciprocated. I had to ask for mine. It was so sad for me to have to solicit a kind response from my H.

I understand it was only used as an example but what I'm struggling with is how we were being compared to someone who willingly destroyed two marriages and is willingly able to say whatever she can to keep this R together while whatever I say or did was specious and held in contempt.

I am continuously challenged to be respectful and show grace when the situation may cause me to want to act with a different reaction.

Underpressure, your thinking out loud may have some merit... It makes one think about why they pick the people they do. I will have to ruminate on this.

I have much to learn. I have much growing to do. Thank you all.....

[Anjae]

Like Saving Grace I get that the article suggests we need to fixate on their needs.

Well, it does not make any sense to do that with a MLC spouse. I’ve always told my husband he looked hot and have never been short on praise. He did the same with me. Before MLC, that is. Now I’m not going to tell him he is hot when he looks like a wreck. OW2 can do that if she wants.

It is not the first time I sense in these articles/replies from a supposed (or real) MLCer that if only we had been a little better… if only… It is their crisis, not ours, while on crisis it is up to them to sort themselves out.
Underpressure position is interesting. OW1 was my opposite in every way, OW2 looks like a second grade me, a poorer reflection of me. Don’t see any point in becoming more like OW/OM. OW/OM are attractive while they are on crisis. They would never be attractive to the real person. 

DGU, I also get that we need to be behave with grace.

In a way, just like with AMYC story, this is still the MLCer (or WAS) still angry, still blaming the spouse rather than owing their own deeds.

[ascending]

DGU, UP and Acsending, I appreciate the clarification as I try to grasp the intent of the article.

For me personally, the article had the W hold back her compliments, but what if in your M you actually did compliment your spouse? Freely? Without hesitation and reservation and it was just never enough?  The compliments were never reciprocated. I had to ask for mine. It was so sad for me to have to solicit a kind response from my H.

I understand it was only used as an example but what I'm struggling with is how we were being compared to someone who willingly destroyed two marriages and is willingly able to say whatever she can to keep this R together while whatever I say or did was specious and held in contempt.

I am continuously challenged to be respectful and show grace when the situation may cause me to want to act with a different reaction.

Underpressure, your thinking out loud may have some merit... It makes one think about why they pick the people they do. I will have to ruminate on this.

I have much to learn. I have much growing to do. Thank you all.....

I do not think I am being compared to the OW. If anything, I would think it would be the other way around. I KNOW my Dh isn't happy. I KNOW that I am a good woman. That is where self focus is so important.  I don't find myself competing with her. I do see some lessons for my marriage that I can take away from all this to make my marriage better though.

I don't have a Dh that I think picked someone like me. I haven't seen her though. Maybe they are outwardly attracted to a type, but I cannot see someone being like us intrinsically. Not to say it's impossible. But just knowing their moral code is corrupt is enough to give you confidence in that area. They didn't pick someone like you. They picked someone that looks like you but someone that they can't/don't/won't/whocares treat like you.

I do think the complementing is a marriage issue and not really a MLC issue, but I think if someone that is weak doesn't feel fulfilled, it makes them more vulnerable to what they feel they are lacking until they are strong enough to get those things from themself.

Also, I think that perhaps your husband saying nice things didn't mean much to him because he is not lacking in that area. I have an internal focus on myself. I don't need people to tell me what they do or don't think or like about me. I am pretty sure of myself the good and the bad. When people say nice things, it's nice to hear, but I don't put much weight on it. Also, because it's not important to my well being, I am guilty of not providing it to people I love. Not on purpose though. I like gifts. My dh isn't good at gifts. When he gets me things, i appreciate it, but he isn't a good gift giver. If I wanted more of that, I would have to solicit it or meet that need elsewhere (in a moral way of course).

You have to remember the hormonal part of infatuation. You are being compared to that good feeling. Not necessarily to that person. When hormones fade, then what. Just one aspect to think about.

[LearningIamOk]

Perhaps I am the only one whose H fits this description. Spin wh#re, the gym instructor, made a big deal out of  my H every time I was in the class. He lapped it up. She would pick on him and then say how funny he was or how well he was doing. I never thought my H was that needy, but apparently he is. I would try complimenting him,  like how big his biceps are, and all I would get back is "yeah, how many guys my age look this good?" 

I don't know how well this approach works with an MLC person. The letter didn't specify how long the guy was out. I just passed 20 mos with no end in sight. I do agree with detaching and learning to be the best you can be. That is going to serve you well no matter what.

[Keepthefaith22]

I struggle with this a bit myself. My H seems addicted to female adoration and attention. I think of course I could have complimented him more, but it would not have been enough and certainly would not have stopped his MLC. Also I struggle with telling him how great he is or was when sometimes he just wasn't. Sounds narcisissitic to me.  They have to fill the hole in their soul not us.

My H made a comment last summer a couple months after BD "I just have to learn that I can get all my needs met in my marriage" "I get distracted and when things are not going well between us I go to others." At the time I did not understand MLC, I thought it was all about his affair(s).  Now I want to say, you could never get all your needs met in a marriage or from anyone, try working on you.   

[underpressure]

Maybe they are outwardly attracted to a type, but I cannot see someone being like us intrinsically. Not to say it's impossible. But just knowing their moral code is corrupt is enough to give you confidence in that area. They didn't pick someone like you. They picked someone that looks like you but someone that they can't/don't/won't/whocares treat like you.

Agreed. I never would sleep with a married man. Never. Not to say i haven't had terrible moments in my own crisis but I would never do what she did. and further she is really scummy in all sorts of other foul-mouthed ways...which just enabled him to act badly and not worry about it.

[toughtimes]

I love Saving Grace's comments. And also ascendings. You ladies are bright and engaging. I have a third position on this that is almost completely sure to not be identified with by anyone I guess...What if the OW is a copy of myself?

My husband went on match.com and found someone whose photo looked so much like one of me that I actually got a little sick when I saw it. Then he proceeded to ply her with the same lines he used on me, and the whole shibang. [Someone here posted (I read it today and I can't remember who) about her H going back in time and finding a 23 yr old and starting over just as if it were her and him at that age...]. I guess what I am angling at is what if the OW is a poorer reflection of us, not something we need to model, but something we can measure ourselves against, in that, he is projecting us onto HER. and does not need to project HER onto us.

Just thinking out loud.

Hi all, I just read the article and it's interesting to hear everyone's responses! It was me who said above, it's just what I feel. I don't know my H girlfriend but I know from a pal who has dealings with her on a professional basis that she thinks she's very aware of why she has and is doing and seems to be ashamed (wouldn't make eye contact with her and looked uncomfortable during meeting). Things I have pieced together from what I heard my H say about her when he first started working with her is that she's just very young, inexperienced, catapulted into a life that's just full of parties and famous people and looking at emails she sent to my H she's been massaging his ego and I would even say "pursuing him", tapping into things that interest him and his son e.g. Star wars! It's bizarre their emails were so childish, I just thought he should be sending links to goofy things on you tube about sr wars to his 7 yr. old son! So I think my H ow fits the stereotype, she's young, naive, acts confident but isn't really, vulnerable so he wants to protect her because he feels so superior! I was beginning to express confidence in myself in so many areas of my life just before BD! He kept on banging on about how he felt so good about himself, he lost weight and bought loads of new clothes. He said to me "everyone thinks I'm amazing except you!" it was odd because we had been trying to work it out for 5 weeks previously and I had been nothing but loving and compllimentary, I really did think he was amazing and showed him! I couldn't have been more complimentary but he was having an affair and he was infatuated with someone else, I don't think anything I did would make any difference to how he was feeling and is feeling. He sees me as the source of all his problems and she's a breath of fresh air. But it's all a fantasy, it's not realistic to tell someone they're amazing all the time, life happens, nappies to change, floors to clean, snotty noses to wipe, children to love, careers to develop the list goes on! I think I could have been more complimentary aants how him how much I want him more but the same goes for him .... I was aware we had 2 small kids and he was starting a new business, we were under huge pressure. We needed to working us but he left just as we were embarking on that process. He didn't trust me to change apparantly, oh and he wanted to have sex with ow!
You just have to be you and become a better and bolder version of you. I feel more confident about being me than I've ever felt and that is because of my age and life's journey. While my H regresses and replays all the teen stuff, his last significant life transition that he didn't complete properly because he was badly affected by his mothers midlife crisis, abandonment and then divorce (some people never learn ;-) we both made mistakes in our relationship, we were young when we met, i was a nightmare in my 20s but so was he! But im not that person anymore, that was 10, 12, 15 years ago. I am going to finally learn to grow for me, learn who I am and what I want from life. I have to say, I wouldn't swap with my MLcer for all the tea in china (and I do love tea!)


Link to next group of WGH topics 2
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=2908.0