[hobo1]

My ex is an insecure avoidant.  This doesn't speak to the temporary nature of an MLC.  Unfortunately, the way I have to look at this is that my ex is unattracted to me due to her threat response programmed at childhood.

She does seem to be repulsed by me... and has even said so.

How very sad.  She has lost all libido and attraction for me, but it's limited to me - as the primary attachment figure.

 

[RivenIN2]

My ex is an insecure avoidant.  This doesn't speak to the temporary nature of an MLC.  Unfortunately, the way I have to look at this is that my ex is unattracted to me due to her threat response programmed at childhood.

She does seem to be repulsed by me... and has even said so.

How very sad.  She has lost all libido and attraction for me, but it's limited to me - as the primary attachment figure.

 

I know the feeling buddy I to recognized this in my W after readin that article. She has blocked me out of her mental picture of a lover. Now I am nothing more then a means to an end. I keep her from having to sleep on some family members couch but that is even just temporary in her mind, as she intends to divorce me as soon as D goes to college.

[With Gods Help!]

Your all welcome.....i love researching and come across a lot of articles .......some i don't post because there hard to understand......this one as to be read a few times to understand it..........ive been trying to find one that relates to how we interact with avoidant people without having to pay a fortune with therapists......many people are struggling to pay bills never mind adding this to the expresses......as YET  no such luck but i will keep looking and will post it if I find owt xxxxxxxx

[kikki]

You find some amazing information WGH, thank you.
Re the MC - I agree Crazy - because the MLCers are broken once they are through the tunnel, ideally a good therapist would be needed for IC.  These are not MC issues at the root of all of this. 

[superdog]

Thanks for posting this, very interesting.

Have to say I found it a wee bit sad. My H is the avoidant type and it confirmed a few things that i have only realised through MLC and actually in some of his ramblings. It actually makes me wonder if they will EVER be capable of anything meaningful with us. I feel sorry for the way it starts out but also wonder if living a half life with someone who can't resolve this is the right thing to do for our own happiness. Are we selling our own lives short? Makes me a bit wary gotta tell you.

I think that learning how to deal with an avoidant is all very well, but they need to buy into it and that in itself would be a huge challenge. This is a lifetime of behavioural changes we're talking here. Is it really possible?

Sd
x

[kikki]

That's the clincher SD.  IF they want to, they can make changes.
The scary thing about attachment disorders - they start in utero.  The biochemistry changes, depending on whether the mother wants the child or not.  It starts that early.
By two years of age, the brain is pretty much wired and set up to either be securely attached to the primary care giver, or not. 

Apparently a lot of females do their own repair work, when they have their own babies.  You can make a conscious choice to touch, speak to and have eye contact with your own baby, without having had it to a large extent, or not at all, with your own mother.  This rewires the brain.

Men? Well, I guess that becomes more challenging.  They would have to WANT to make changes.  After seeing all of this damage, it may be something they are willing to do??
I agree with you - I wouldn't settle for a shell of a person after all of this either. 

[superdog]

That's really interesting.

Here's something on my H though that may throw the men thing off. After I had my twins I got really sick and my H had to take care of them on his own for their first 3 months. He did everything and would lie with them on his chest and fall asleep. I know that he never bonded with his own mother, yet he took care of those twins like they were his world. he obviously had made a concious choice back then for his own flesh and blood, but not toward me. Then MLC hit and he ignored them for nearly 3 years.

So are they capable, but make the choice not to become attached through fear, which may also be linked to other personality disorders developed through trauma or bad relationship experiences after the mother. lol.

I suppose it's back to the born or made argument.

Sd
x

[kikki]

I guess like all theories, they are only theories - but that is really interesting about your H and your babies. 
Surely, he must have done some rewiring at that time, but as you say there must have been other things there in the mix. 

[With Gods Help!]

SD my h was the same with the kids when they were baby's..........even though i was fine he still placed them on his chest to comfort them if they woke up in the night.......I agree too i don't want my h if he cant face up to his issues.......i was only thinking the other day how do these men deal with their problems if many don't acknowledge or even know they exist........i know they know somethings wrong but what about childhood issues or things that happened to them but they have no recollection...........i don't know its quite confusing that's why im trying to find as much i can and read it to better understand it............maybe this could be where seeds are planted to get h thinking if that makes sense xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/isdivorcethesolution/a/avoidantpersonality.htm

[kikki]

My H was the same too.  Many hours were spent with our babies snuggled against his chest, or having colicky tummies soothed while resting on his larger hand and arm.
Just to clarify though - according to the book I read - for the brain to be rewired for secure attachment - the parent needs to have a lot of eye contact, sing and talk to the baby while having eye contact, and touch.
From my observations - my H had the touch down pat, but not so much the eye contact and singing/talking to our babies.