[everhopeful]

This is by far the hardest thing for me to do. Deep breathing is helpful. Preparing myself before I see him by checking my negative attitudes and trying to reframe things in a more positive light helps. My non-forum mentor likes to tell me that this is a positive thing that my H is doing because he is becoming a "whole person" who is clear about what he wants in life and if he didn't go through this MLC he would never be a whole person. She says to "see it as a long term investment in your marriage."

Other things: reminding myself to be in the present moment, working on things that are meaningful to me, spending LOTS of time with friends and family.

[broken5]

What if when you try to detach they latch onto you?   Every time I even say I am doing something without him he is instantly more attentive....if I don't call or text him he is calling me....he is home...very new to this BD was just 6 weeks ago...he is still talking to his OW but she lives far away... don't know if she is planning on moving here or not..thinking that would be silly on her part she has only known my H for 6 weeks...so she is a stupid stupid girl (25 yrs old) my H is 40. Most of the time he is pretty nice to me BUT hates it if I try to talk to him and hates it even more if I ignore him???  How the heck do you detach from that.....I fell like if I do he will go crazy and will then have more ammo to sling at me like..."see you don't care about me" ect ect

[calamity]

Most of the time he is pretty nice to me BUT hates it if I try to talk to him and hates it even more if I ignore him???  How the heck do you detach from that.....I fell like if I do he will go crazy and will then have more ammo to sling at me like..."see you don't care about me" ect ect

Mine uses anything I say for ammo.  Anything.  So I keep it light & breezy & neutral.  You cannot win.  You talk about relationship = pressure on the poor guy.  You are bright & cheerful = you don't care about the poor guy.  Aaaargh!  

Re:  detachment.  At times when I see him, I feel like I am watching myself in a movie--almost a druggy feeling.  I am there but watching.    I think it is the surrealism of the whole mess or I cannot quite believe it is happening.   

[StillStanding]

If he is going to be mad whether you engage with him or not, then the answer is "do whatever is best for your state of mind."

I think that the key to detachment is recognizing the HE is responsible for his feelings and his reactions. Not you.

As for him accusing you of not caring for him: 1) you are not responsible for his reactions. 2) if he does bring it up, point out that your actions have nothing to do with your feelings for him. But they have everything to do with his behavior.

Six weeks is a very short time in MLC-land. Don't worry about getting all of this "right", right off of the bat. You are dealing with a lot right now--shock over his BD, anger and hurt from his betrayal and infidelity--so worry about getting yourself to a better place.

[StillStanding]

Re:  detachment.  At times when I see him, I feel like I am watching myself in a movie--almost a druggy feeling.  I am there but watching.    I think it is the surrealism of the whole mess or I cannot quite believe it is happening. 

I don't know if that is due to detachment.

My favorite example of detachment is this: detachment is what allows an ER surgeon to operate on a small child who has been grievously injured in an automobile accident without falling apart emotionally. It's not lack of emotion; it's being able to overcome or set aside the emotional response in order to deal with a situation in a rational manner.

Something that will aid in detachment is knowledge; the more you understand about the situation, including MLC, the more you will be able to deal with it in a detached manner. It's not about how to feel about your spouse, it's about how you respond to HIS emotional state.

[calamity]

It is so detachment.  JK.  No I do consciously try & 'stand back & watch.'  Acting I guess it is.  Just feels surreal b/c this is my h, this is my life...weird. 

Old Pilot --thanks for linking.

[osb]

I found it far easier to detach when H was out of the house. Convinced myself nothing bad's going on, just me being alone. I could cope with that, keep myself busy.

Finding it hard to be properly detached now that H is back living in the house. Keep trying to adjust my day to suit his (v bad idea). Keep responding when I should bite my tongue. Keep triggering messes. I say one sentence too many, or touch him when he doesn't want to be touched... back to square one.  ...Well, not quite square one. Square one was panic-ridden and a fog of fear (of screaming, of physical threats, whatever). Can call this square two. Ice cold, like water down the back of the neck.

If square one was too hot, and square two is too cold, is it possible there will be a square three that's just right?? Here's hoping.

Asked friend of mine who had gone through her partner's MLC, what was the best thing she learned. She told me "sense of humour, and pants with belt loops". Apparently the weight loss is permanent...  .  If we didn't have humour, this would all be unmitigated tragedy. But we have humour, and weight loss.

[calamity]

There should be another thread for 'good things' about your spouse's mlc [if you don't have kids]
-you can wear a t-shirt to bed [even the one you wore all day if you want...]
-weight loss that does not come back because you can eat what you WANT or not eat
-you can sleep on the couch with the tv blaring
-you can turn the light on in the morning without anyone complaining
-you can throw all the covers off if you have a hot flash

i could go on.  And why do I want him back?

[kikki]

Now there's an excellent idea Calamity.  Do you want to start the thread?

[calamity]

Nah.  I'll get maudlin.