[Not Applicable]

Very simple, when he says "I've had enough, we should divorce" (or anything else you don't want) instead of trying to convince him of the error of his thinking, you say "Go ahead, if that's what you want, do it."

It will scare the hell out of him and stop him in his tracks.

When the pursuer stops pursuing they don't know what to do and start to worry.

You see, the distancer was always the boy who cried wolf. He wanted you to pursue. In fact, my husband admitted to me shortly after bomb drop he is afraid to chase women because of fear of rejection, he wants to be chased.

However, in MLC, you can't offer them that kind of reassurance or they will walk all over you. So you have to become the distancer.

I gave my H the total cold shoulder the last two days. I wouldn't look him in the eye or even say more than 2 words to him when he spoke to me. Then he was like a fly half of today pestering me about this and that.

[waiting4]

Very simple, when he says "I've had enough, we should divorce" (or anything else you don't want) instead of trying to convince him of the error of his thinking, you say "Go ahead, if that's what you want, do it."

It will scare the hell out of him and stop him in his tracks.

When the pursuer stops pursuing they don't know what to do and start to worry.

You see, the distancer was always the boy who cried wolf. He wanted you to pursue. In fact, my husband admitted to me shortly after bomb drop he is afraid to chase women because of fear of rejection, he wants to be chased.

However, in MLC, you can't offer them that kind of reassurance or they will walk all over you. So you have to become the distancer.

I gave my H the total cold shoulder the last two days. I wouldn't look him in the eye or even say more than 2 words to him when he spoke to me. Then he was like a fly half of today pestering me about this and that.

[Mortesbride]

Thank you for all your responses they are helping and it is good to read everyone's experiences.

''The key is don't treat them like a spouse.''

Ugh that was a tough one. Nearly cried. You are right of course..but sometimes stuff like that still gets me. 

It is so hard to keep your emotions out of it.

[barbiedoll]

How do you handle face to face contact? (Do I avoid eye contact? Not speak unless he asks a question? Or make polite chat?)

-How do I handle personal questions? (How are you doing? Are you going out? Who you going with? etc)

-Do I pretend to be happy or just neutral? (He keeps saying ''you were fine yesterday''...I haven't been fine...I just pretend to be)

-What sort of reactions would be typical when you stop pursuit?

-How long does it take before they generally notice a change in the dynamic?

-Any helpful tips from other pursuers who learned how to curb their behaviour?

-Did you try this and see any effects in your relationship? Did it help or hurt?

If I had to have contact with him ( I avoided this at all cost), but if I HAD to see him, all I had in me was " hello". Nothing more. I asked him nothing with a question mark on the end. I answered him calmly and to the point. I made myself "busy" ... on my phone, talking with one of my kids or anyone that might have been around. I made "normal" eye contact.  As soon as I could , I ended conversations and moved away from him.   Example: I absolutely had to see him at my daughters university graduation. SHE did not want to go to the ceremony and cried and cried. She said " I do not want him there , I do not want to see him ,,,, BUT , I cannot graduate without him" . So, I insisted that this was a very important achievement and that we were going ... no matter what . He showed up , he said HI and sat beside me ( I had not seen him in over a month). I chatted to my mother ... who was now crying because she thought he looked like his eyes "were dead" and that he should be in hospital etc etc . He overheard me telling my mother I was starving , and off he went. He returned with a sandwich and a drink and handed it to me (??) . Bizarre. Later , ( at a celebratory dinner) someone said " family picture time" and up he jumped and stood behind me, pressing up close with his hands on my hips . Everyone was so stunned by him... some had not seen or heard from him in months and could not believe he had the nerve to show up. He paid for my dinner and was gone. No questions, no comments ... let him go . ( cried for days )

Personal questions :   " I am fine , thanks " . Nothing more . ZERO.  Any probing questions ( who are you going with?) .. I would not answer. If he pushed I would simply say " I am going out for a bit with some friends ".  He should not be asking you anything pushy or personal . afterall, this is what he wanted . You may have to remind him of that if he continues to push.

"pretending " to be happy?. Many say be " light , upbeat etc" and I guess that this is a good answer.  No crying , questions, begging ... just respond as if he was the neighbour ...no more, no less. 

Reactions to stop pursuing ?. I do not believe there is anything you do or do not do that will change his crisis . Remember ... it is not about you at all. So if you are doing things to get an expected response... you may frequently be disappointed. You are not dealing with a typical "normal" man. These men are nor anyone that you know anymore. Anything that you do decide to "do", should be for you , about you, what you need , what hurts and protects YOU ... not in anticipation of his reactions. They are utterly unpredictable .

I am a relentless pursuer . I was able to cut contact with him as I was so traumatized..I simply could not see him. I felt "in shock". I went total self-protective "flee" ... away from him. I will likely work on my "pursuing nature " ( my attachment style) for the rest of my life . Therapy is helping me understand the root of my pursuing , why I do that and how to change it. It is a result of childhood hurts .

Did you try this and see any effects in your relationship? Did it help or hurt?.  Again, "trying" or making strategies to try to influence his behaviour is fruitless. And cannot be permanent . Focus only on yourself and let his journey runs its full course to whatever permanent change will happen internally inside of him. Let go ...

[Treasur]

I think 'tactics' are one thing, but the most important bit to get is that NOTHING you say or do is going to make any difference to what your H thinks, feels or does. NOTHING. Your actions might drag it out a bit or make it a little worse BUT YOU CANNOT FIX OR CHANGE HIM. It takes most of us a long time to get to the point where we feel the truth of this as opposed to thinking we get it. Your H has 'virtually' left the building and MLC H is not the same spouse. So, pursuing will probably push him away but not pursuing will not magically bring him back if that makes sense?

The second big LBS ah-ha is that how you manage contact with them is FOR YOU not for them. You don't ask questions because the answers will hurt you, make no sense or you won't get any. You reduce your emotion because it helps you to manage your own and stay sane. You GAL so you don't lose sight of who you are and the rest of life. You go slow and use the rule of 3 so you can make the wisest choices in the middle of crazy chaos. You focus on factual things - money, kids etc - because MLCers can't be trusted with these things and often they need you to protect them. You go NC, or any other phrase, because it helps YOU do what YOU need to do to cope with the current reality. And, when all else fails, you do nothing and let your intuition guide you. Please be kind to yourself. You are obviously a really smart woman, but you are in the early stages of this and you will learn as you go and as you see the MLC version of your H unfold.

We've all made mistakes. You could paper a room with the letters and encouraging cards I sent my H in the first 6 months! Did it make a difference? No. Do I think the odd one touched him? Maybe, time will tell (maybe). Did it matter to me to try to think of my H with more love than anger, to try to keep faith and compassion for him? Yes. In the end, all any of us can do is hold fast to who we are and do our best. It matters to me that, even when I was tempted, I haven't really done anything that I feel ashamed or bad about. I haven't added to the destruction even if I couldn't stop my H's headlong descent.

[Mortesbride]

Barbie-
Thanks again for all the guidance.
He spent a week telling me how sexy I was, how he ''would do me'', giving me the eyes, hugging me and resting his hands on my butt, showing off his Abs....then he 180 monster me!
We were talking to the kids about Halloween and he was like ''Ooo I will wear my big cape'' and I was like...''Didn't think you would be going?!''

Stopping the pursuit is more for me. I know he needs space both from MLC and being a normal distancer. I pursue him to fix the problem..but we know it just makes it worse. So it isn't to get a reaction from him (although that would be nice), it is more to teach myself not to pursue him (or others) when there is no need. Does that make sense?

Treasur-
I appreciate nothing I do with fix the situation, but if I continue to pursue it will likely damage the situation. So I am looking for ways to stop myself making it worse, versus trying to fix him. And again, I would like these skills not just in dealing with him, but in the future as well.

Could you please explain the rule of 3?

[OldPilot]

Could you please explain the rule of 3?

Lets see if I have it right.

Before you do anything, say anything wait 3 mins. or 3 hours, 3 days or 3 weeks.

Also I will add put a rubber band around your wrist and snap it if you do not follow the above.

Trying to teach you patience.

[Mortesbride]

So do you rotate how often or just use them in context?

Ie 3 minutes or 3 hours for a text... 3 hours or 3 days for an email sorta thing?

[Acorn]

As I see and use it, ‘3’ is arbitrary.  A stand-in for ‘respond, not react’.  It is just as OP said: to teach you patience.  You wait a while before you respond to MLCer’s words and actions.  It is mainly to save you from regrets.  When you see or hear something from MLCer, you have immediate emotional reaction because you are human.  Hold on for a little while, cool down and then respond briefly and calmly.  This approach keeps paying dividends for me.  I feel a whole lot more peaceful since I started to focus on not reacting but responding.  Sometimes, keeping my mouth shut and fingers away from the keyboard have proven to be the best response.

Good news is that this ‘skill’ improves with time and practice.
You could start practicing it with simple things, such as:

MLCer: ‘Why is this kitchen so messy?’

If you react, you may say: Well, do you think I’m the only one responsible my job for a tidy kitchen?’; If you don’t like it, why don’t you clean it yourself?’’;  ‘I’m sick of kids leaving everything behind for me to clean up after them!’

If you stop and think for a while, your reply would be very different.  Something like: ‘O boy, this kitchen does look like it can do with some cleaning up.  We can do this together and it can be done in a jiffy.’  All delivered with a neutral expression and calm voice, and a little smile thrown in.  Eye contact. 

For much more important issues, calm down and think as long as you need to respond.  Sometimes, no response is the best response.

Hope it helps...

[OldPilot]

So do you rotate how often or just use them in context?

Ie 3 minutes or 3 hours for a text... 3 hours or 3 days for an email sorta thing?

Here is Stayed's explantation I think

Oh goodness NO!  I would never do that.  They will find out in their own good time.

Good though that you paused, thought about it, decided to ask for opinions.  We recommend the rule of 3, which is a cooling off period, giving you the chance to calm down and think it through. 


In any extreme situation you cannot survive for more than:

3 minutes without air - 3 hours without shelter

3 days without water - 3 weeks without food.

We have extrapolated that to the RULE OF 3 for emotional well being:

3 minutes to breath, long deep breaths... to calm!

3 hours to shelter your heart and engage your brain!

3 days to be sure you want to do it.

3 weeks to either let it go, or go ahead. 

Of course there are many variances, such as asking yourself every 3 minutes if you still wish to do this... or 3 hours/3 days/3 weeks, after asking yourself 3 times if you STILL want to do something... then go ahead and do it.  If you do not come to the same conclusion all 3 times, consider it ... A BAD IDEA!  Not sure if this is a very good explanation of how it works, but hopefully you get the idea. 

Never do anything you MIGHT not be able to live with.  Never do anything that might hurt others, just to make yourself feel better.  Never lash out in anger.  Etc. Etc.  Remember, it is YOUR credibility that is at stake!  Your honour!  Your opinion of yourself!  Try not to jeopardize your self respect, you have to live with yourself and that reflection in the mirror.

Not that we haven't all done a few things we are not particularly proud, which is why I am warning you.  In the end, it is YOURSELF you have to love, honour and respect. 

Hugs Stayed