[Rollercoasterider]

Another poster requested that I post this excerpt from The Solo Partner by Phil Deluca.
When I wrote my Pursuit & Distance Article for the newsletter this was my initial soruce. After reading it I ordered a few other books on the topic, but this was the first and it is excellent. I personally was not fond of the book other than this topic--but it just wasn't my style and I still think it is good.

Pursuit & Distance is the first article in my Contact and Communication series. There are three total P&D articles.


http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/standing-actions_contact-and-communication_pursuit-and-distance.html

 
The Pursuit & Distance chapter is Chapter 8; this excerpt is from that chapter on pages 183 - 188.

Snodderly from DB introduced me to this book when she created a thread on Pursuit & Distance--here's the thread.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574
Edited for new link - OldPilot
Many of the gender pronouns have been neutralized with they.

TRAITS

Emotional Pursuers (predominantly female)

SEXUAL STYLE: Distance

SENSE OF SELF: Strongly non-individualistic.
Has difficulty being alone or acting independently for any length of time.
Rarely does things on own.
Primarily does what others want.
Tends to be clinging and overly anxious.
A follower.
Depends on others for guidance.
Sees the world as centered on others "Gives to get"
Feels taken for granted.
Overly Concerned and protective of others.
Always looking out for others never for self.
Overly Adaptative. Chooses to be like others or to yield for the sake of unity.
Feels empty without interaction with others.
Constantly seeking love, approval, and appreciation.
Will give up individuality for the sake of relationship.

TRUST: Tends to be naive about relationships. Optomistic about other's motives.
Overly trusting; frequently taken advantage of.

EMOTIONS: Primarily people and feeling oriented.
Places these above material things.
Seeks out emotions and emotionality.
Overemotional and effect is heightened.
Openly shows feelings to everyone.
Expresses a full range of emotions.
Frequently intensely expressive, at the expense of thought or reason.
Overinvolved with others.
A Codependent.
Overly sympathetic and empathetic.
Heightened response to others.
Avoids pain,Tries to protect others from the consequences of their behavior.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES: Ill defined. May be nosy, intrusive.
Always has to know whats going on with everyone in the family at all times.

RELATIONSHIP SKILLS: Immaturely applied

SENSE OF RESPOSIBILITY:Overly responsible; Assumes to much resposibility for the relationship.
Assumes solution is in their power with sufficient effort.
Most comfortable emotionally(although not truly happy) when tending to others. Tends to infantilze others.
Is a "rescuer"

CAPACITY TO CHANGE: Insight into others, but little into self.
Often held back by looking for explanations.
Much talk of change while still passive.
Changes made to appease. Avoids significant change because of anticipated pain and lack of approval.
Wants prior guarantees.
Open to direct change. Overly amenable.
Fears taking a stand and dealing with consequences.
Believes problems must be dealt with instantly.
Seeks advice, counseling.
Open to offered solutions via own efforts.

RYTHYM OF INITIATING CHANGE: Overly impatient.
Cannot delay dealing with problems. Lacks restraint; impulsive.

PATTERN OF EMOTIONS: High peaks and deep lows.
Depends on the distancer for stability.

RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS: High Expectations of others, low for self.
Believes they "exprct nothing in return" but hold expectations no one could fulfill.
Prone to resentment, bitterness in later years.
Very critical of others

PERSONAL PROBLEM-SOLVING STYLE: Emotional engagement.
Seeks emotionally charged, reactive situations.
Uncomfortable in calm situations.
Tends to provoke reactivity and crises. Generates worry about about everyone and everything.

CONTROL AND MANIPULATION: Controls to protect others from themselves.
Manipulates controls others through guilt, advice, retaliation, criticism and or/submissiveness.
Acts for others "own good." Feels powerless and ultimately incapable. Seeks someone to exert control for and over them.

DECISION MAKING: Difficult, confused, inconsistent. Depends on others to make decisions(parents, partner)

VIEW OF LOVE: Overly romantic. Overlooks practical aspects of relationship.

TYPICAL BELIEF: Love conquers all.

SEXUALTIY: Caring for the partner takes precedence over physical enjoyemnt. sex seen as a sign of caring for and by partner.

SUBSTITUE ACTIVITIES: Overly involved with family, house(for approval), sexual liasons (to feel cared for), medications, particularly tranquilzers

SELF-DECEPTION: Believes living for an extension of partner brings a sense of security, self esteem, contentment.
Believes they can catch a distancer.

DEMEANOR: Assumed invulnerability. Self righteous. In later years bitter, cold, emotionally and physically fatigued. Prone to martydom.

FACIAL CHARACTERISTICS AFTER FOURTY: Stress lines(from turmoil, anger) Fatigued look (from pursuit)

GREATEST RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTY: Inability to remain univolved, particularly with own children.

TYPICAL STATEMENT: "All I ever needed was a home and to be loved. I'll do whatever I have to do to keep everyone happy.If they really cared about me, they would know what I want"

previous thread: http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=100.0

[Rollercoasterider]

Okay, there is more I was supposed to post. I will put it in two posts.

TRAITS
Emotional Distancer (predominatly male)
SEXUAL STYLE: Pursuit
SENSE OF SELF: On the surface, aggrandized self; strongly individualistic.
In reality, pseudo-individualitic. Individualistic only in a supportive environement, such as at home, in presence of, but but unresponsive to, his partner.
Does things in his own way, through defiance or passive resistance.
A leader and self-initiator.
Sees the world as centered on himself. Tries to be the center of attention. Feels unappreciated.
Overly self concerned and self protective; always looking out for self. Difficulty perceiving others point of view.
Prefers independent activities with buddies not organized group activities. Chooses to be different for its own sake.
Experiences his individuality to the exclusion of relationship.
TRUST: Highly suspicious of others and relationships with them.
Pessimistic about other's motives.
EMOTIONS: Primarily object oriented. Relates to and puts material things first, feeling and people second.
Results in an overemphasis on thinking and logic.
Fear emotions and emotionality. Avoids them.
Unemotional, and affect is elusive. Impossible to tell his feelings by looking at or listening to him.
Only emotions expressed regularly is anger.
Either explosively and briefly or passive-agressively, as if he's not angry when he really is.
Self-gratifing and unresponsive.
Little sympathy for, or empathy with others.
Feels little for others or self.
EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES: Overprotective. Needs a lot of "space"
RELATIONSHIP SKILLS: Lacking
SENSE OF RESPOSIBILITY: Underresponsible; feels little resposibility for his situation or relationship.
Tends to blame others.
Most comfortable emotionally(although not truly happy) behaving like a baby.
CAPACITY TO CHANGE: Lacks insight and/or follow-through.
Inability to adjust. Clings rigidly to position regardless of circumstances.
Resists direct change. Tends to evolve rather than cjhanging directly in response to circumstances.
Will change when faced with loss of significant other.
Rejects advice, couseling. Solutions must come from self.
Frustrates others' efforts to change them.
RYTHYM OF INITIATING CHANGE: Tends to be overly "patient"
Procrastinates. Avoids facing relationship problems.
Prone to relationship paralysis.
PATTERN OF EMOTIONS: Little variation. Tends to be reasonable, but boring. Depends on their pursurer for highs and lows.
RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS: Expects the pursurer to always be there. Prone to despair and self-pity when not fulfilled.
PERSONAL PROBLEM-SOLVING STYLE: Avoidance. Seeks peace, avoids emotional crises. Believes if you ignores a problem long enough it will go away.
CONTROL AND MANIPULATION: Strives to maintain central position to protect self from getting hurt.
Manipulates enviornment to meet their needs.
DECISION MAKING: Decisions made and then clung to regardless of changes in cicumstances.
VIEW OF LOVE: Overemphasizes practical aspects. Minimal expression of love, sharing, or romance, expect when courting or pursuing a distancing partner.
TYPICAL BELIEF: Love is fine, but it doesn't pay the bills.
SEXUALTIY: Physical enjoyment takes precedence over caring.
Sex seen as conquest or performance, not shared experience.
Objectifies Partner.
SUBSTITUE ACTIVITIES: Overly involved with objects, e.g. sports, cars, house(for prestige), work, sexual liasons(conquest), alcohol.
SELF-DECEPTION: Believes overemphasis on individuality brings a sense of security, self esteem, contentment. Fears emotional closeness.
Believes they can evade a pursurer.
DEMEANOR: In later years: boring to be involved with. Arrogant, cynical, pessimistic, negative. Prone to self-pity.
FACIAL CHARACTERISTICS AFTER FOURTY: Appears emotionless. Dark circles under eyes.
GREATEST RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTY: Denial of problem.
Avoidance of relationship issues.
TYPICAL STATEMENT: "I like myself the way I am and you should too. If you don't like me the way I am, you're free to leave.
I give you a comfortable life, don't sleep around - what more do you want?"

[Rollercoasterider]

This is a chapter outline and review. 

The Solo Partner, Repairing your Relationship on your own by Phil Deluca .

Chapter 1 The Pain of Change
There can be no Pain Free Solution.
Changes must be the appropriate changes.
Who must change? - Only one person - YOU!

Chapter 2 Self Deception
False Hope - Unrealized Expectations.

Chapter 3 Emotional Reativity
Old Brain vs New Brain
Communications

Chapter 4  Being Defensive
Chapter 5  Togetherness
Balancing  I and We

Chapter 6  Who is to Blame
Stating your position without Blaming
Venting to your Partner - not when marriage is in turmoil
Clearly stating your "I" position
Confronting yourself

Chapter 7  Using your Anger constructively
Anger = Unrealized Expectations

Chapter 8 Pursuit and Distance**************
The most important chapter in the book
For every action there is a reaction
80% of Men are sexual pursuers and emotional distancers 
The more you pursue the further the distancer moves away.
Pursurers and Distancers exist in almost all relationships
How to stop pursuit and distance - must come from the pursuer.
Distancers tend to change in direct proportion to how much they are pursued
Traits of Distancers and Pursurers

Chapter 9 Stopping Pursuit
Never pursue a distancer
Different phases of distance and pursuit

Conclusion    Separation and Reconcilliation
Do not drop your changes

This book really excited me and really brought together the concepts that we learn.
Detachment is key to not pursuing.
The traits in Chapter 8 really help me in what changes I need to make in ME!
Phil Deluca is the first person who really explained what "the changes" are that you need to make when you look in the mirror.
It is not going on a diet or to stop smoking. (although you can do those too)
It is stop your pursuit!!!!

[Trustandlove]

There has been a lot of talk about "The Solo Partner", particularly on the pursuit/distance chapter.  I thought I'd post my thoughts on this book here:


It's a pretty harsh book; it doesn't pull any punches.  I think it's one that has to be read slowly, and several times -- it's not one where you can take it all and apply it, even if it does seem to say to do so.  It is something that needs to be digested over time.  It's pretty unequivocal on the pursuing thing, however, saying to stop completely, no ifs, ands or buts.  It takes the "get the pain over with now" approach. 

It does point out, rightly, that one has to get the the point of exhaustion, or whatever you want to call it, before you can start applying the advice in the book.  You have to hit the point of being so fed up with the current situation that you will do it. 

There are good chapters on how you interact with your partner -- the blame game, and one on anger and resentment.  There is much useful information there, and worksheets with each chapter to help you actually write it down.  I find things that make you write stuff down are much more effective than those where you just think about it. 

There are good things about diffusing arguments, etc.  It focuses on improving an existing situation, rather than getting someone else to change.  It also reinforces what we say here, that you have to focus on yourself for YOU, rather than to change your partner.  Any changes in your partner come about because of changes to you, but that isn't the purpose of changing.

The book concentrates solely on what you yourself can do, how you yourself are responsible for your emotions and actions.  For example, rather than focus on a cheating partner, it would focus on you for tolerating bad behaviour.  That's just one quick example, but that is the idea. 

I think it is good as part of the arsenal -- to me combining this with the communication techinques that David Burns (in his "feeling good" books) talks about makes sense.  It's about not being drawn into senseless arguments, the way all of us LBS are counselled to learn to not do. 

It does point out that the person applying the techniques, particularly nonpursuit, will experience lots of mood swings, depression, and a long list of other symptoms.  It says you have to persevere. 

Ordinarily I would be wary of something that says you have to follow it wholesale, no questions asked.....  but I think this, if taken the right way, is a good book. 

As far as MLC goes; the pursuit/distance chapter seems to speak most to those with "clinging boomerangs"; however there is a lot of good advice in the chapters on anger and blame that we can all benefit from.  It does assume that the partners are still together; it lists leaving as an alternative to wanting to work on the relationship. 

[StillStanding]

This is a discussion thread for the book "Forgive for Love" by Dr. Frederic Luskin.

Amazon link for ordering the physical book
Amazon link for purchasing the Kindle ebook
iTunes store link for purchasing the iPad/iPhone ebook

I wanted to get the ball rolling because I feel there are a number of things that Luskin covers in this book that are going to be crucial to we LBSes as we work on ourselves, and that will help either in the reconnecting and rebuilding stage. This will probably be longer than a typical post; I'll see if I can break it into smaller chunks.

The first thing that Luskin covers is his definition of forgiveness. He says that many people have a hard time with forgiveness because while we are taught the benefits of forgiveness or the morality of forgiveness, people rarely talk about the process of forgiveness. People learn what a relationship should be like by observing the ones around them, and they are more likely to learn about harboring resentment and letting small disagreements blow up into huge arguments then they are to learn about being forgiving. Luskin contrasts forgiveness with reconciliation (choosing to continue a relationship) and condoning (accepting the actions of another):

One of the great misconceptions about forgiveness is that it is the same as reconciliation. Reconciliation is deciding whether or not to talk to your lover again after an infidelity. Forgiveness is deciding whether or not to let go of the anger and despair you feel because you did not get the loyal partnership you wanted. Reconciliation means reestablishing a relationship with the person who hurt you. Forgiveness means making peace with a bitter part of your past and no longer blaming your experiences on the offender. (Emphasis mine) You can forgive even if you don’t want to have any further relationship with the person who hurt you. In fact, you do this every time you forgive someone who is dead or someone who has left, never to be seen again.

Forgiving someone does not require that you condone that person’s unkind, inconsiderate, or selfish behavior. To forgive is to let go of the extra suffering you have imposed on yourself after the normal cycle of grief has run its course. (Emphasis mine) You do not have to be a doormat in order to forgive, nor does being forgiving make it okay for your partner to treat you unkindly. You must know how to say no when your lover crosses a boundary and lies to you. If you have condoned your partner’s action, there is no need for forgiveness because you have chosen acceptance instead. We only need to forgive something that we think was the wrong thing to do.

Luskin goes on describes the four stages of developing a forgiving attitude. In short, they are as follows:

1) A loss in your life has caused you to experience anger and hurt, and you feel justified in your negative feelings.
2) You realize that the hurt and anger filling your life after a betrayal feels bad.
3) You you concentrate on how good it can feel to forgive, and deliberately choose to feel the hurt you have experienced for a shorter period.
4) You make a habit of practicing forgiveness with your partner.

I think most of us have been, or are still, in stage one; we are reeling from the shock of the bombs that have been dropped on us. We are angry that our spouse has left or become involved with an OW/OM. We're dodging awkward questions from friends and angry accusations from family members. We are struggling with the realities of the change in our lives, from financial hardships to being the sole caretaker for our children. Many of us can reach, or have reached, stage two when we realize that being angry at our spouse gives them unwarranted power over us, and that our continued anger or pain is hurting us worse than the initial shock; the only way to make that pain end is to forgive them. I would guess that some of the people who are farther into their spouse's MLC have reached or are reaching stage three, where we realize that our spouse is going to continue to do things that hurt or disappoint us, even after MLC, and that they are going to require forgiveness on a regular basis. The pinnacle of this journey is stage four, where we realize we can minimize the amount of hurt we feel by adopting an attitude of forgiveness towards our partner. There are probably a few of us who've made it or are getting close to making it to this stage.

[StillStanding]

Luskin has a seven-step process to teaches to help people move through the four stages.

The first step is to realize that your spouse or partner is by your side by choice. You made a choice to allow this person into your life and your heart; you choose to try to build a life together with them, and you realize that commitment requires you to continue to choose to stay with them. In making that choice and sticking by that choice, you are accepting that your spouse can and may do things that hurt you or upset you, whether they are accidental, done out of ignorance, or maybe even done intentionally. We are all human, and we are all capable of doing things in our own self-interest regardless of how it affects the people around us.

Luskin also points out that this decision to marry or be in a long-term relationship was not just a single choice; it is actually part of a chain of decisions that we have made. We decided that we did not want to be alone, that we wanted to be in a relationship. We may have dated one person, or a succession of people, until we found someone that seemed like a good match, so we decided to spend more time with that person to get to know them better. At some point we evaluate the benefits of continuing the relationship versus ending it to look for a better one; if the pros outweigh the cons, we decide continue the relationship. We commit to the relationship by making regular decisions whether or not to continue the relationship.

There are three uncomfortable facts about any relationship. First, entering a relationship entails risk. Even if you and your partner are made for each other, there are factors that you cannot control that can put strain on a relationship. Second, all relationships will end, either by dissolution or divorce, or by the death or either or both partners. Finally, you cannot control what your partner says or does.

Although these sound discouraging, I think they should motivate us to seek harmony in the relationship whenever possible because we never know what problems may lay ahead, we don't know how long we will have with our partners, and we know there will be times when our partners will not do what we want. If you are going to choose to be in a relationship with someone with these three facts hanging over you, why not choose to try to make the relationship as happy as can be?

[StandandDeliver]

Thanks SS. It is extremely helpful to have it broken down like this - the question I have is that although I rationally agree with everything here and I actively try to "live in forgiveness" for H, even as he spirals further and further from me in his R with OW, but there are only some moments when my desire to forgive is aligned with my feelings. I still get enraged at times and think of ways to pay him back (there is nothing, of course, or nothing that would not have bad repurcussions for a whole lot more people). I don't do anything and of course that bitterness hurts me, but I keep hoping that if I keep reiterating that I forgive H and that I try to think forgiving thoughts, then eventually there will be more regular and ultimately almost constant alignment. Do you think that is how it works?

I rationally understand forgiving and letting go, but I guess my ego is quite strong or something because I sometimes feel like one of those cartoons with a devil and an angel on each shoulder, saying "forgive", "NO! don't forgive, revenge"...

I feel like I have been acting "as if" forever and I wish I no longer needed to act...

[StillStanding]

StandandDeliver,

These are good questions, and I hope that my future posts breaking down the rest of the book will provide some clarity.

I welcome people to find copies of the book and read it for themselves and contribute to the discussion; this is why I put the ordering info at the top.

I should also point out that those of us dealing with MLCing spouses are probably on the extreme edge of what Luskin has dealt with; at the same time, I think we're also people who can benefit greatly by adopting the strategies he discusses within.

[StillStanding]

The second step that Luskin describes is to recognize that this person that you have chosen to share your life with is imperfect; that imperfection means that they will say and do things to disappoint you, make you angry, or hurt you.

The first cause for this is the simple fact that everyone is different. The differences can be profound (different ethnic or cultural background, different religious upbringing) or simple (one partner preferring to pick up their dirty clothes while the other leaves them lying around, one partner loves Thai food while the other can't stand it). Those differences mean that they will see the world differently than you, react differently than you, and have different priorities than you. The second cause is that people make mistakes. They can be little mistakes (forgetting to run the dishwasher, losing your car keys) or large mistakes (forgetting to pay a bill, getting into an auto accident) but they will happen. This means that, even if you and your partner as the most compatible people ever, you will still find yourself becoming angry or upset by their actions. The third cause is that people inevitably act out of their own self-interest. Your partner decides to stay out late with friends and doesn't call to let you know; they buy a new laptop or take their parents out to dinner without telling you; they pass up a promotion that means better hours or more money because they like the position they have. (The obvious example in our cases would be the Replaying spouse who is carrying on an affair, consumed with drinking/drugs/gambling, or otherwise "getting to live their life".)

If you add your attitudes, your mistakes, and your self-interest to those of your partner it makes matters even worse. How does anyone manage to stay together? The answer is forgiveness -- both of your partner's shortcomings and your own. ("And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive them that trespass against us.") This doesn't mean that you should keep quiet about the things that bother you, but forgiving them for what they did before you have that talk will prevent emotion from clouding the discussion. If you are angry or upset, your body's fight-or-flight reflex is preparing you for conflict as it cannot tell the difference between stress caused by actual danger and stress caused by heightened emotions; if you and your partner are both agitated when you discuss a problem, the emotional reactivity can cause the argument to spiral beyond the original complaint.

Even though you are your partner come from different backgrounds, have differing opinions, and are capable of hurting the other accidentally or out of thoughtlessness, these differences and complaints do not have to cause a major problem in the relationship. Liking Thai food while your spouse does not doesn't have to cause a heated argument, so why does it? The answer lies in how you handle the differences and conflicts.

The biggest cause of anger or frustration that lasts long after the complaint or offense that causes it is attempting to enforce "unenforceable rules." Luskin describes this as a personal opinion or desire that is expressed as something that our partner "must" or "must not" do. When your partner breaks one of your unenforceable rules, it compounds the anger and resentment; it's not just that your partner lied to you, but that you have an expectation that they must not lie to you. The lie that your partner told is their responsibility; your expectation that they must not lie is yours.

Ask yourself who or what in your relationship must change for you to be happy, and you will discover your unenforceable rules. Ask yourself these questions:
1. Am I demanding that my partner treat me better than he/she does?
2. Am I demanding that my past with my partner be better than it was?
3. Am I demanding that my life with my partner be easier than it is?
4. Am I demanding that our relationship be fairer than I feel it is?
When you find yourself thinking in any of these ways, you have pinpointed an unenforceable rule.

The problem with unenforceable rules is that they are neither right nor reasonable; if they were, then people would adhere to them. An unenforceable rule is not the same as a wish or desire; hoping for a quiet night at home after a long day at work is not the same as getting angry because your spouse invited your in-laws over for dinner and didn't tell you.

(I'm going to step away from the book for a second and make it clear that I don't think that setting boundaries is the same thing as trying to enforce unenforceable rules. A boundary is not about what your partner does or does not do, but what you will or will not accept. Sometimes I see people trying to state their unenforceable rules as "boundaries", so I hope people read for themselves and try to grasp what Luskin is saying.)

Fortunately, is it simple to recognize and work to eliminate unenforceable rules. The first step is to acknowledge that you are angry or upset; this helps you to identify your unenforceable rule at the time it is being broken. The second step is to recognize that your anger is due to the fact that the rule has been broken. The third step is to be willing to change your unenforceable rules and lessen the amount of anger or frustration you feel. (This is not the same thing as forgiving or condoning that act that broke the rule.) The final step is to figure out how to hold onto the enforceable desire and get rid of the unenforceable demand. This can be simple as substituting the words "wish" or "hope" for "must" or "have to".

Unenforceable rule:
* My partner must not lie to me.

Enforceable desire:
* I hope that my partner does not lie to me.

By changing an unenforceable rule to an enforceable desire, you accept that your partner is imperfect and can or may disappoint you. But this should make it easier to deal with the specific complaint or problem without your emotions being clouded by the frustration of trying to enforce behavior that you have no control over.

[StillStanding]

The third step Luskin describes is the one that may take the most effort for LBSes in our current situations but I think this is a good step to practice, even now.

Once you have recognized that your partner is in your life by choice, and that you partner is capable of letting you down or making you angry, you should take time to note the positive things that your partner does for you.

We are more likely to notice our partner's actions and choices when they do things that disappoint or frustrate us. By focusing on the fact that our partner doesn't clean the hair trap out of the shower like we wanted, we forget all the times that they offered to clean the kitchen after dinner; by getting upset that our partner is too tired to play with the kids after getting home from work, we overlook all the times they stayed up with the kids when they were sick so we could get a good night's sleep. Taking their good actions and choices for granted and focusing on the bad ones is poison to a relationship.

You can also take pride in, and be thankful for, the things that you have done as a couple. You could have wonderful kids, a nice car, and a big house; you could have enough money coming in to enjoy a comfortable lifestyle. Those things could not have happened without your partner. Love is demonstrated by the partner's choice to go beyond our expectations. If our partners did only exactly what we wanted of them, is that love or obedience?

Luskin notes that research shows that people are more likely to remember the negative parts of a relationship than the positive ones, and that most couples need five positive experiences for each negative experience in order to feel the relationship is healthy. Recognizing the good things that your partner has done, and the things they continue to do, makes you feel grateful for your partner. Feeling grateful towards them can make it easier to forgive them for the times they mess up or let you down.

There are three ways you can appreciate your partner such that it will increase your willingness to forgive. The first is to recognize the specific good that your partner does for you; all the things they do to cheer you up, help you out, and make you feel special or loved. The second way is to recognize the good that they do for others; maybe they're a good parent, or are considered a valuable employee at work. Maybe they donate blood regularly; maybe they turned someone's lost wallet in to the police department. The third way is to simply acknowledge their positive attributes in general. Are they generous? Cheerful? Humble? Courteous?

It can be hard to feel grateful for your partner's positive qualities, especially in the throes of MLC where many of those qualities aren't evident or are directed an an OW/OM, so Luskin provides a list of "gratitude exercises" to practice:

* Walk into your nearest supermarket or health food store and give thanks for the abundance of food available.
* When you go into any large shopping area or store, marvel at the choices available and how little you have to do to purchase things.
* Pass by a nursing home or hospital and give thanks for your good health.
* When driving, mentally thank each driver who follows the rules of the road.
* If you have a good friend, thank that person for caring for you.
* Remind yourself of any kindnesses done by your parents.
* Notice a salesperson or store clerk and thank that person for waiting on you.
* In your home, give thanks for all of the labor that went into making your furniture, appliances, and food.
* When you wake up each morning, give thanks for your breath and the gift of your life.
* Notice the gifts of nature on a regular basis.

The more attuned you are to feeling grateful for the blessings and positive things in your life, the easier it will be to recover from anger and disappointment.