[Trustandlove]

SS,

I've know at a number of points along this journey that I could forgive my H; there are times that I think that the longer this goes on the more damage is done, but I also know that I've thought that at a number of points, and then something has happened that has shown me beyond doubt that I could forgive.

Especially if forgiveness was asked for.  My H asked me at around the 6-month mark (now years ago) if I could forgive, and that was before I knew ANYTHING about what he had been up to.  I said yes, and meant it. 

Even after he gave me the back story, at 2.5 years, I knew I could forgive.  At around that point he was talking a lot to others (such as his newphew, whose father left when he was 18 months old) that they needed to forgive those who had abandoned them.  It was pointed out to me that he was very worried that he wouldn't be forgiven himself. 

But that is, as you say, the easy part -- if they were to show remorse and ASK for forgiveness.

What I'm hoping to get from this book is a sense of how to forgive when the betrayer doesn't ask for it, or show remorse or repentance.   I.e. how to forgive when they are determined not to come back, etc. 

How to forgive without becoming a doormat.  How to forgive, knowing I have to live with what I don't want.   How to forgive when I have relatively frequent contact, which means that I am constantly reminded that I have to live with what I don't want. 

And so on. 

[limitless]

Solo Partner


I know that this book has been on the reading list forever.

I'm embarrassed to say that I purchased it...but hadn't read it, until today.

It's a pretty quick read.  I plan to read it again.  Wish I had read it before my H moved out...but, whatever.

The chapter on Pursuit and Distance is EXCELLENT!

It really explains the relationship dynamic...that I was caught up in. Maybe, you have been, too.

The only thing......it isn't speaking specifically about MLC - as it informs the reader if, after 4 months of non-pursuit, the distancer has not began pursuit, then there is no love anymore...time to move on.  For Non- MLC situations, maybe this may be true.  But, for MLC - NOTHING (or little) can really happen in 4 months.  So, don't take that to heart.

Otherwise....Excellent book.  It described (almost to a TEE) how I felt when I first began to NOT pursue my H.  I went through everything the book described. 

I was afraid of being alone........


The book explains to the Pursuer (that means YOU....LBSers) - to STOP.  Otherwise the relationship is doomed.  You may stay together...but never be truly happy.  Most of the time, you will break up.

Anyway - as a Moderator - I am embarrassed to say that I just read the book...but I did and it was right on target.

Newbies - DON'T do what i did.  Read it. 

Hugs,

Limitless

[StillStanding]

This is not a book about Standing for MLCers.

Limitless pointed out that the 4-month deadline isn't necessarily applicable to MLCers; they can go for a lot longer than that before coming out of the tunnel.

[StillStanding]

I can't find any links to Kindle or other ebook versions, but here is a link for the paperback version on Amazon:

http://www.amazon.com/Solo-Partner-Repairing-Your-Relationship/dp/0881791296

[LisaLives]

It's a new book, so you'll have to see if your library has or will get it, or buy it new... But I have to say of the hundreds of books I've read in the past two years, it's one of the best (not for writing, that is actually not so good, and you have to be a little patient in the beginning, but focus on the examples).  The advice applies to EVERY aspect of your life, but it is so relevant for talking to your partner and kids.  And when you read the Law of Personal Limitations, it will totally resonate with standing and what you are all trying to accomplish. 

You never know why you are called to do the things you do, but for whatever reason, on Saturday, I HAD to go to the library, have not been in months, and I found that book and Invisible Men which I just started.  After reading that book I feel a sense of clarity and strength that I have never had before--I finally get him--and I am prepared to go into a mediation session with exH tomorrow.  A week ago I felt scared, defeated and sad at the prospect of having to sit across from him, but thanks to this book and a bunch of other stuff, like a few posts here, I did a complete 180! 

Anyhoo, check it out, I promise you will not be sorry!  Love and light, Lisa 

[LisaLives]

Beyond Blame is by Carl Alasko who also wrote the book Emotional BS.  Addis is the author of Invisible Men, but I am not sure I want to recommend it yet, I only just started... 

I decided to go ahead and post the Law of Personal Limitations so you understand why I think it's so relevant!  He has a website too, if you google him, the law, or emotional BS! 


"Everyone is always doing as well as they can within their personal limitations, their personal history, what they know and don’t know, and what they’re feeling in that moment. If they could make a healthier decision, they would. This includes you."

[Trustandlove]

Thanks, Lisa, for this -- I've read a lot, but hadn't come across these.  From what it says on Amazon this looks really good, and I've ordered it.

I've read similar things in David Burns' "Feeling Good" and the "Feeling Good Handbook", where it has a section on communication.  Those are CBT approach books, however, and this seems a bit more direct.

I really liked FG, by the way; those helped me greatly. 

I remember their one thing about communication approach was to "win by losing; remember to surrender" -- i.e. don't get defensive, remember to validate, etc.  A lot of what is taught here, actually....

[Trustandlove]

I've started reading this, and it is looking like a really good resource.  I haven't got the bit where he tells you what to DO yet, but it looks promising.   

Although it is of course having the effect of making me realise the times I DID express myself badly....

But that is par for the course, I think.

More useful in our relationships with our kids to set a good example, etc., I also think. 

[Trustandlove]

The more I read this the more I like it.  It really is sensible. 

It's a lot of what we discuss here, about responding rather than reacting, and it gives good, practical advice.

I'm not done yet, but it seems solid.

It also makes the point that "anyone can sabotage anything", meaning that if one side is determined not to make things work then it really doesn't matter how "good" the other side is.

We can take that to mean that if our MLC spouses aren't willing, there really isn't anything we can do save for pay attention to our own behaviour, which is eminently sensible. 

Of course, it also works the other way round:  if we ourselves are hell-bent on one course of action there isn't anything anyone else can do, so if something sensible is presented to us and we reject it just because it comes from our MLC spouse and we are determined to find fault, then it won't work either. 

The book is also good because it doesn't blame the reader...

Get this one, says she. 

[Sassyone]

Wow just went to his web site and read the emotional bull$h!te self test.  Yikes, sounds all too familiar for frankly both myself and H.  Yikes, more self-help reading on my end!  Wow, what I could see yes that was me then, it is not me now.  Progress, but need to make more.

Great find!

Sassy