[OldPilot]

Trust creates or enables trustworthiness.

We trusted our spouses
Our spouses cheated on us
Therefore "trust creates or enables trustworthiness" can not be true, at least not universally.

honour

You left out this part

explaining that Sweetheart would become trustworthy because I trusted him. Trust creates or enables trustworthiness.

So it is faith in the future

[Trustandlove]

I wonder if the book addresses this?  As it's only just come out I haven't read it; I may do so at some point. 

I think it talks more about the effects of oxytocin in general; those are different in different people, much like drugs or any hormone, etc. 

We hear a lot about the physical effects of menopause, male andropause, etc., we all know that each person is affected differently -- how menopause affects women is a prime example.  Some come through without anything, others struggle for years and years and years. 

So I'd imagine that oxytocin is another one; some people experience a greater surge than others.  I don't know, of course, but I'd think that. 

[Mermaid]

I've been interested in self change, and while following a recommendation on this site from Niek about brain waves, I came across another book called "Gamma Healing: Eliminate Subconscious Limiting Beliefs, Anxiety Fear and Doubt in Less Than 5 Minutes"

It was easy and engaging to read, and although I was sceptical because of his one-sided arguments, I wanted it to be true. I suppose that's the point, really.

The author, Chris Walton, sets out to convince the reader that they can change fundamental self-limiting beliefs about themselves, and that they can do this with his "scientific" technique of Gamma healing. He then sets out to convince the reader that his technique is based on new science by discussing the mind, consciousness, energy systems, and so on. His basic premise is that beliefs govern feelings, behaviour and biology, but are mostly unconscious, although we can become aware of them and change them; that mind can affect matter (through the placebo effect); that we can change our reactions through the emotional freedom technique (tapping), which is based on meridian points used in acupuncture; and that we can change our beliefs by thinking about them in the "whole brain posture", and subsequently test them using muscle testing techniques. If you are convinced that this works, it can be due in no small part to the pseudoscience in the first 160 pages of the book.

We are now familiar with concepts such as the subconscious, the placebo effect, acupuncture points, and the author plays on this familiarity to extend notions beyond that which has been scientifically validated. He fails to discuss the limitations of each point, and used the idea only to reinforce his own point. The truth is that yes, the placebo effect exists, but no, the placebo effect doesn't always work. Yes, the effect of the mind on our physical and mental health is important, but no, our mind cannot do everything. Yes, our mind is incredibly versatile, but no, not infinitely so. Yes, the universe, and matter itself is made of energy, yes, there are connections, but not in the simplistic way outlined in this book. Yes, it is now true that there are neurons in the heart, but no, it doesn't mean that our heart has thoughts (the neurons are essential for how it beats); yes, we've now gone beyond the mechanistic view that DNA controls personality, but no, it doesn't mean its all down to our beliefs (biology can still limit us); perceptions are important, but they develop through an interplay with the culture. We come to believe what we believe because of that, and these beliefs can limit who we think we are and what we can do. However, as Walton rightly says, most of these beliefs are unconscious. But if beliefs are unconscious, they don't become conscious so by thinking about them (try reading "Strangers to Ourselves" by Timothy Wilson).

Finally, muscle testing (see Applied kinesiology), meridian lines, and emotional freedom techniques (tapping) are unproved by science, researchers finding that their effects are no better than a placebo (and remember, placebos don't always work). Gamma waves themselves are indeed associated with meditation, but are not so easy to change as Walton suggests. Meditation can be a truly powerful tool, but it requires training and extensive practice to have a deep and lasting effect. Try " Mindfulness in Plain English" by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana.

While it is true that we can all make profound changes in how we think and act, convincing ourselves that it is possible is half the battle. If you achieve it through "Gamma Healing", then the placebo effect is really working on you.

Gamma healing is not science, just magical thinking.

[OldPilot]

3/18/10
Read a book called "Male menopause" by Jed Diamond. I would highly recommend it to everyone
on this board. I never thought that I was going through menopause but the more I read this book I found out how wrong I was. We are going through the same thing as our spouses. The science of it is much slower than the female version but it is the same. The lessons that we are learning as the LBS all contribute to our passing though this time of our life. We need to do things to pass though our middle life transition to the beginning of the next part of our life but none the less it is all there. As I read of everyone's trials and tribulations with their spouses or ex-s I realize that we all must "grow up". This book is helping me to see what is happening much more clearly!

There are parts on sleeping patterns, snoring, mentoring, hormones, and of course sex. There is a companion book that I am going to read next called "Surviving Male Menopause for men and women" I will report on that when I get done. There is also a huge resource section for all sorts of things related to this.

[OldPilot]

3/30/2010 from DB

I am just about finished reading "Surviving Male Menopause" by Jed Diamond. I wanted put some quotes here for all to read.

15 Things you can do to help once male menopause is recognized
There is no magic formula that works for everyone.

1.Recognize the similarities and differences between male and female menopause.
2.Have patience, din't give up when things become difficult
3.Be gentle and kind with yourself and your man.
4. Recognize that this is probably the most difficult and confusing time of life for both of you.
5.Take good care of yourself. Attend to your own needs and feel good on seven levels - hormonally,physically,emotionally,interpersonally, sexually,socially, and spiritually.
6. Accept that he will be resistant at first to the concept of male menopause.
7. He likely will be concerned at first with one or two aspects of male menopause.
8. Listen to his concerns. It is tempting to want him to do something. Remember the first step to action is acknowledging there is a problem.
9.Keep Listening
10.Reassure him that you love him and the 2 of you will get through this together.
11.Let him know that although you understand that this is difficult you will not stand by and allow yourself to be abused by his words or actions.
12. Seek support together. Books can be useful.
13.Men are resistant to taking advice from women. Sometimes getting another man, a friend or colleague involved can be helpful.
14. Talk to him about what you see and feel. Particularly emphasize the positive things.
15.Seek professional counseling.

8 Things You Should Not Do

1. Don't ignore the changes that occur at this time of life. Male menopause is as natural as puberty and as impossible to ignore.
2.Don't Panic. Your wonderful man has not turned into a monster, although like his adolescent counterpart, it may seem like he has.
3.Don't Blame yourself.
4. Don't be afraid to talk to others.
5. Don't laugh at your man or ridicule his behavior. Men's greatest fear at this stage of life is that they are acting like fools. Love and supprot him even if his behavior is hard to take.
6.Don't let him make you the brunt of his anger.
7.Don't give up on yourself or the R. If its worth keeping, its worth fighting for.
8. Don't try too hard to make his life better. Ultimately, this is his change of of life and he must navigate it for himself.

I thought that this is great advice for both men and women. I really want to recommend these books, and yes there are a few things in this list that contradict what we do here in MLC but overall it is really a good read.


From Power Surge Website

Actually men's symptoms are very similar to womens.

I can quote from the book.

Reduced libido reduced potency or sex drive
Reduced ability to maintain an erection
Fatique
Depression
Aches pains stiffness
Irritablity and anger
Night sweats
Dryness and thinning of skin
Hot Flashes
Premature ejaculation
Stress
Excessive alchol use
Medications
Injuries
Infections
And just for you JACK Smoking and obesity


From a womens website that I am on these are for women:
An Introduction to Menopause:34 Signs / Symptoms of Menopause

There's been a list of the "34 signs of menopause" circulating for years. The list originated with Judy Bayliss' wonderful newsgroup, The Menopaus Listserv (That's Menopaus without the "e" at the end).

I've taken the liberty of adding my own Notes to the original list. You'll find hundreds of articles pertaining to menopause symptoms, treatments and menopause / midlife-related health and emotional issues including articles on midlife relationships, weight and fitness issues, intimacy, psychological problems associated with menopause in Power Surge's, "Educate Your Body" extensive library.

I suggest you begin with the comprehensive article explaining what menopause is (by clicking this link): in "An Introduction To Menopause: Signs, Symptoms and Treatments"

You'll find remedies for most of these symptoms on the Recommendations page.


Here is the list of: "The 34 Signs of Menopause:"

1. Hot flashes, flushes, night sweats and/or cold flashes, clammy feeling (related to increased activity in the autonomic / sympathetic nervous system). Without becoming too, technical, messages are sent to the hypothalmus because of declining estrogen production via neurons which result in vasodilation -- widening of the lumen of blood vessels (lumen being the cavity of a tubular organ, i.e., the lumen of a blood vessel,) which, in turn, causes flushing or hot flashes. Tips for treating/minimizing (and even avoiding) hot flashes: Power Surge's Menopause Survival Tips. Also, read the Power Surges (hot flashes) Forum

2. Bouts of rapid heartbeat (related to increased activity in the autonomic / sympathetic nervous system) Note: Along with rapid heartbeat (palpitations), women can experience skipped heartbeats, irregular heartbeats. These are generally normal vasomotor responses experienced during menopause - usually due to fluctuating hormone levels. However, if these problems continue, it's always a good idea to be checked by your health care practitioner. An echocardiogram is a common procedure to tell the doctor what he needs to know about your heart. If your health care practitioner doesn't suggest it, ASK FOR IT! Read the Palpitations, Heart Issues, Hypertension Forum

3. Irritability. Note: Along with irritability, a host of "anger" problems can develop during menopause. Just as a perimenopausal woman can find herself suddenly crying for no apparent reason or provocation, so can she find herself reacting to given situations in an angrier manner than she normally does. This anger can sometimes feel like "rage." Again, this is hormone-induced, but for some women, the anger can become inappropriate and a woman can feel like she's out of control. There's nothing wrong with seeking counselling to discuss these issues with a mental health professional. This is a challenging time of life and some objective outside help can be tremendously useful in helping a woman cope with all the emotions she's feeling. Remember, menopause isn't simply physical changes, but emotional and spiritual changes as well. There's an excellent forum on the Power Surge Message Board that deals with the issues of Anger / Mood Swings / Rage.

4. Mood swings, sudden tears. Note: Mood swings can include anything from mood shifts (happy one moment, deprssed the next) to sudden bouts of crying when nothing overt has occurred to cause the crying. Mood swings can and have been misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder because one can feel such extremes of emotions due to hormone imbalance. Anxiety, depression, panic attacks and even feelings of agoraphobia aren't uncommon during menopause. The panic attacks often can develop with the onset of hot flashes. For some women, hot flashes can be severe and quite frightening.

5. Trouble sleeping through the night (with or without night sweats). Note: This can develop into insomnia or just waking at 2 in the morning for an hour. Relaxation and breathing exercises can be useful at this time -- many women may log onto the Power Surge message boards and are surprised to find so many other women there in the middle of the night. More help on the Insomnia, Sleep Disorders Forum

6. Irregular periods: shorter, lighter or heavier periods, flooding, and phantom periods. Note: A phantom period is when you experience all the symptoms you're accustomed to having before you menstruate -- but... no period comes. This is a common experience during perimenopause before a woman's period actually stops.

7. Loss of libido (sex drive). Note: Not every woman loses her libido entirely during perimenopause, although some may temporarily. Many women simply have a decreased interest in sex - often it's simply because they generally don't feel well and sex is the last thing on their mind! Also, bear in mind that there are many medications that can affect one's libido, including the anti-depressants some women take to cope with the depression and anxiety associated with menopause to anti-hypertensives.

8. Dry V@g!n@ (results in painful intercourse) Note: Click here for an excellent article about V@g!n@l dryness, sexuality and midlife relationships. Recommended: Sexual Issues/Libido Forum

9. Crashing fatigue. Note: I've never been able to determine if the "fatigue" associated with perimenopause is a symptom in and of itself, or if it's a side effect of the cumulative symptoms and general exhaustion (from them) many women experience. Take all the symptoms and "dump" them on one person -- is it any wonder perimenopausal women are so fatigued? If you can, try to find time to grab a nap. One of the things that helped my fatigue, and it's all chronicled in my personal odyssey to find remedies, is the use of considerable amounts of soy isoflavones and protein, which I found in Revival Soy. I can't say that it specifically targetted and relieved the crashing fatigue, but it helped so many other symptoms and gave me a burst of energy, that I feel comfortable in attributing the fatigue relief to Revival. There are various vitamins, such as those in the "B" family, that can help with fatigue as well. Also, increased amounts of vitamin C. The Recommendations page lists numerous vita-nutrients that can be useful in treating fatigue and other symptoms associated with perimenopause.

10. Anxiety, feeling ill at ease.Note: One of the biggest complaints during menopause. Read the Anxiety/Stress Forum

11. Feelings of dread, apprehension, and doom (includes thoughts of death, picturing one's own death). Note: It's possible that this can be a manifestation of depression associated with menopause, or possibly feelings that come from going through daily discomfort through a difficult menopause transition that can last anywhere from 3-12 years. A woman living under these circumstances can feel totally overwhelmed and frightened by the physical, psychological and spiritual changes. When there seems to be no reprieve from the suffering, for some it can leave them feeling drained wondering when and IF they'll ever feel well again. It isn't unusual for women at this time of life to have thoughts about dying. One phase of their life is coming to a close (not soon enough for many). There may be apprehension and fear about moving on to the next phase of life and wondering whether things will get better or worse. Helpful: The Panic Attacks / Disorder / Fear / Apprehension Forum

12. Difficulty concentrating, disorientation, & mental confusion. Note: Forgetfulness during perimenopause is often referred to lightly and humorously as "brain fog" but it's not always funny. Note: An excellent article, Menopause And The Mind. Also, visit the Memory Loss, Foggy Thinking, Forgetfulness, Verbal Slips Forum

13. Disturbing memory lapses. Note: See #12,

14. Incontinence -- especially upon sneezing, laughing: urge incontinence (reflects a general loss of smooth muscle tone).

15. Itchy, crawly skin (feeling of ants crawling under the skin, not just dry, itchy skin Note: the feeling of ants crawling on your skin is called "formication") Visit the Your Skin: Dryness, Itching, V@g!n@l Dryness, Disorders, Discomfort Forum

16. Aching, sore joints, muscles and tendons. (may include such problems as carpal tunnel syndrome). Note: Osteoarthritis can develop during perimenopause - and those with existing arthritic and/or rheumatic pain may find it's exacerbated during the menopausal transition. See the Joints Aches and Pains/Arthrisitis Forum

17. Increased tension in muscles.

18. Breast tenderness. Note: Breast swelling, soreness, pain.

19. Headache change: increase or decrease. Note: Many women develop migraine headaches during perimenopause. However, if one doesn't have a history of migraine headeaches, they're generally a short-lived experience of perimenopause. Also see the Headaches, Migraine Forum

20. Gastrointestinal distress, indigestion, flatulence, gas pain, nausea. Note: For nausea, try some ginger or, as I use, boiling hot water with a few teaspoons of lemon or lemon juice concentrate in it. Many women also develop acid reflux (Gerd). For some, it can be an uncomfortable feeling of severe burning sensations in the throat. If it persists, see your health care practitioner.

21. Sudden bouts of bloat. Note: Bloating, water retention are common complaints during perimenopause. Also, Acid reflux and heartburn are very common during perimenopause. Treat them as you would if you weren't going through menopause.

22. Depression (has a quality from other depression, the inability to cope is overwhelming, there is a feeling of a loss of self. Natural hormone therapy, ameliorates the depression dramatically). Note: There are various natural methods of treating depression. Read Power Surge's Menopause Survival Tips. Also, many women using progestins or progesterone supplementation experience "depression" as a side effect. Power Surge recommends only naturally compounded, bio-identical hormones. Naturally compounded estrogen and progesterone supplementation doses can be individually adjusted to suit each woman's needs. So, if a woman is experiencing depression from progesterone, the level of progesterone supplementation can be reduced until the compounding pharmacist comes up with the right blend. The combination of estrogen and progesterone is important in achieving the desired results. Other remedies, such as St. John's Wort can be very effective in alleviating the depression associated with menopause.

My personal experience was that my perimenopause-related depression was elliminated when I started using Revival Soy Protein Revival is excellent for mood swings, but I was astonished by the impact it had on the hormone-related "lows" I experienced before using it. Also recommended, The Depression Forum

23. Exacerbation of any existing conditions. Note: Often, conditions women had prior to entering perimenopause become exaggerated (worse) during the menopause transition.

24. Increase in allergies. Note: Many women who suffer from allergies develop worse allergies during the menopausal years. Many women who've never had allergy or respiratory problems may develop them for the first time. Many people don't realize that histamine levels are affected by hormone levels. Women can develop wheezing, coughing and a host of respiratory problems. This generally disappears as the hormones level out once a woman becomes menopausal.

25. Weight gain. (is often around the waist and thighs, resulting in "the disappearing waistline" and changes in body shape.) A good read, Weight Gain and Fitness Issues

26. Hair loss or thinning, head or whole body, increase in facial hair. Note: There is often a loss of pubic hair during menopause. Many women are more comfortable simply shaving their pubic area instead of having patches of hair.

27. Dizziness, light-headedness, episodes of loss of balance. Note: Although common complaints during menopause, I always recommend anyone suffering from dizziness, dysequilibrium have her blood pressure checked just to be on the safe side. However, women can experience these symptoms during perimenopause without having hypertension.

28. Changes in body odor. Note: I wouldn't be too concerned about this one. It can happen, but in 13 years of running Power Surge, I've heard of relatively few cases of developing body odor during menopause.

29. Electric shock sensation under the skin & in the head ("take the feeling of a rubber band snapping against the skin, multiply it (exponentially, sometimes) radiate it & put it in the layer of tissues between skin & muscle & sometimes a precursor to a hot flash.") Note: Those buzzing sensations, as though you've put your finger into a live electrical socket, can be frightening. They're all part of the hormones, nerve endings and electrical waves running through our bodies when our hormones are constantly fluctuating. Many women experience this during perimenopause, but it eventually passes.

30. Tingling in the extremities (can also be a symptom of B-12 deficiency, diabetes, or from an alteration in the flexibility of blood vessels in the extremities.)

31. Gum problems, increased bleeding.

32. Burning tongue

33. Osteoporosis (after several years)

34. Brittle fingernails, which peel & break easily.

Some additional signs from Dearest:

# Dry skin / skin changes
# Internal shaking / tremor-like feelings. Read the Internal Shaking Forum
# Acne and other skin eruptions
# Itching wildly and erratic rashes
# Shoulder pain / joints / arthritis development or flare up in preexisting conditions
# "Heart pain" - a feeling of pain in the area of the heart (if persistent, get checked by your health care practitioner)
# Acid reflux / heartburn / difficulty digesting certain foods

Some of the 34 signs may also be symptoms of one of the following:

# Hypothyroidism
# Diabetes
# Depression with another etiology
# Other medical conditions (see The Educate Your Body Library)

If you have reason to believe you may have one of these conditions, see your healthcare practitioner for treatment.

Dearest Note: Remember that although these may be common complaints during menopause, they might also indicate some other health problem. Be sure to consult with your personal health care practitioner before attributing these symptoms to menopause.

[OldPilot]

4/29/2010 from DB

I just finished reading the book "Menopause" by Sally Conway. The book was written about 20 years ago. Her husband(Jim Conway) wrote a lot of male mid-life books and they run a clinic in California devoted to mid-life problems. She seems to really advocate estrogen, along with other things. I need to do some more research on what happens if you don't take estrogen. According to S. Conway Osteoporosis, heart disease, and other things are the major problems. She seems to think that doctors and OBGYN are using old information about the risks of cancer with ERT. It was an interesting book, I just wonder how up to date the knowledge is.

I have a more recent book called "The Wisdom of Menopause" by Christine Northrup will start reading that to see if their are different ideas.
Also got Men in Mid-Life Crisis by Jim Conway.
My reading continues. I have really read a lot of books now.
Quite a change for me.

[OldPilot]

5/4/2010 from DB

As my reading continues: I am a little over halfway thru "Men in Midlife Crisis", by Jim Conway. It was written in 1978. I guess it is the basis for many things that are on this board. I found the part about the 6 stages of MLC, although I must admit that HB's rendition is much better than Conway's.

I just found this part that is interesting to me and maybe other men whose wive's are going thru this. I will quote

"The woman who has been anchored in her relationships with other people - her husband, her children her parents.
If she derives a great deal of her self esteem from these three sources, she will experience greater trauma through the two stress periods of her life. Her husband will be going thru his own MLC and will not be the stable person she counted on. Her children will be establishing their own identities and will need to break away from the close mother relationship. Her parents are in need of more care and , in some sense, the woman in mid-life becomes the responsible adult overseeing her parents in their later years."

"So her sense of worth must come from within. She should also see her value as something larger than a manager of the household."

I don't know how Conway managed to see my marriage in his book, but it is all written as if he knew.


Conway quoted psychologist Clifford Adams in what motivates men and woman in choosing a mate. In order from top to bottom.


MALE
Companionship
Sex
Love-affection-sentiment
Home & Family
A Help-Mate
Security

FEMALE
Love-affection-sentiment
Security
Companionship
Home & Family
Community acceptance
Sex

"Dr Adams concludes that this discrepancy cannot but lead to widespread dissatisfaction in marriage."

"Most couples have never considered if they are compatible from a need orientation. They conclude because they enjoy touching each, staring into each others eyes, bowling and making love they will have no problems with marriage."

So looking in to the mirror maybe this can help me and other to see what we need to really work on in our lives.

5/52010 from DB
I finished the Conway book.

I will leave one more part of this for everyone's thoughts.
And I am paraphrasing this:

"Marriage Problems

1) Preoccupation with the process of living.
Raising kids, paying mortgage and accumulating things.
2) Lack of communication and intimacy.
The couple is not sharing the things that make them happy or causes them to be uneasy.
3) Unmet personal needs.
A man say I'm in love with you - What he really means is You meet my needs and make me happy.
People that have fallen out of love are really reporting that their needs are no longer being met. They are unable to verbalize to the other person that they have needs that are not being met. They simply say I don't love you anymore.
4) A lack of personal growth.
Old problems from adolescence.
Boredom with marriage."

There are many other good things from the book but I won't ruin it for those of you that have not read it.

[OldPilot]

Heros Spouse 7/12/2010

Just finished reading "The Pain Behind the Mask" "Overcoming Masculine Depression"
There are two things that I want to write down from this book although it gives some great advice and stories.
First on Page 6  "Depression is a collection of symptoms that results from some kind of unresolved conflict"

2ND - The Masculine Dilemma :" Not Too close Not Too Far Away"
This axiom is for boys with their mother and men with their wives.
Many on this board will relate to this with their WH who run to the OW but keep their wives .....
"Not too close not too far away"
This also has to do with dependence,independence, and counterdependence.

Basically the other main point of the book is that men tend to hide their depression. (look at the title)
Most men are so invovled with masculine tendencies that they overlook their feelings
and don't realize they are in pain.

[OldPilot]

HS 7/18/2010

I finished reading the book "Silent Sons" By Dr. Robert J Ackerman.

I thought it was pretty good. Just to review some point made by the book.
I am still trying to evaluate how much I myself fall into this category of being a silent son.
I certainly can relate to the book.

Silent sons are from dysfunctional parents

A silent son's dominant characteristics:
Keeps things that bother him to himself
Denies that unpleasant events occur
Fear letting people know him.
Has difficulty interacting w parents, spouse or children
Has a strong fear of criticism
Is angry
Cant express his feelings
Is obsessively driven to succeed
Desperately wants his life to be better but doesn't know how to change.

"A silent son may be in pain but also has the following positive characteristics."
Good under pressure
Adventuresome
Independent
Is a survivor
Empathic
Hard worker
Loyal friend
Willing to help others
Problem solver
Good sense of humor

Silent sons have 5 common concerns about relationships.
1-Inability to express emotions
2-fear of intimacy
3-inability to trust
4-fear of inadequacy and rejection
5-need to control relationships

There is much more to the book including relationship issues with your mother, father and children.
I would recommend this book for men, to see if you are a "silent son"
For women, how to deal with your husband whom is a silent son.

[OldPilot]

HS subscribers board 12/4/2010

Solo Partner, Repairing your Relationship on your own by Phil Deluca .

Chapter 1 The Pain of Change
There can be no Pain Free Solution.
Changes must be the appropriate changes.
Who must change? - Only one person - YOU!

Chapter 2 Self Deception
False Hope - Unrealized Expectations.

Chapter 3 Emotional Reativity
Old Brain vs New Brain
Communications

Chapter 4  Being Defensive
Chapter 5  Togetherness
Balancing  I and We

Chapter 6  Who is to Blame
Stating your position without Blaming
Venting to your Partner - not when marriage is in turmoil
Clearly stating your "I" position
Confronting yourself

Chapter 7  Using your Anger constructively
Anger = Unrealized Expectations

Chapter 8 Pursuit and Distance**************
The most important chapter in the book
For every action there is a reaction
80% of Men are sexual pursuers and emotional distancers
The more you pursue the further the distancer moves away.
Pursurers and Distancers exist in almost all relationships
How to stop pursuit and distance - must come from the pursuer.
Distancers tend to change in direct proportion to how much they are pursued
Traits of Distancers and Pursurers

Chapter 9 Stopping Pursuit
Never pursue a distancer
Different phases of distance and pursuit

Conclusion    Separation and Reconcilliation
Do not drop your changes

This book really excited me and really brought together the concepts that we learn.
Detachment is key to not pursuing.
The traits in Chapter 8 really help me in what changes I need to make in ME!
Phil Deluca is the first person who really explained what "the changes" are that you need to make when you look in the mirror.
It is not going on a diet or to stop smoking. (although you can do those too)
It is stop your pursuit!!!!

12/08/2010

The following is from the book The Solo Partner.

SHOULD ALL BE IN QUOTES

TRAITS

Emotional Distancer (predominatly male)

SEXUAL STYLE: Pursuit

SENSE OF SELF: On the surface, aggrandized self; strongly individualistic.
In reality, pseudo-individualitic. Individualistic only in a supportive environement, such as at home, in presence of, but but unresponsive to, his partner.
Does things in his own way, through defiance or passive resistance.
A leader and self-initiator.
Sees the world as centered on himself. Tries to be the center of attention. Feels unappreciated.
Overly self concerned and self protective; always looking out for self. Difficulty perceiving others point of view.
Prefers independent activities with buddies not organized group activities. Chooses to be different for its own sake.
Experiences his individuality to the exclusion of relationship.

TRUST: Highly suspicious of others and relationships with them.
Pessimistic about other's motives.

EMOTIONS: Primarily object oriented. Relates to and puts material things first, feeling and people second.
Results in an overemphasis on thinking and logic.
Fear emotions and emotionality. Avoids them.
Unemotional, and affect is elusive. Impossible to tell his feelings by looking at or listening to him.
Only emotions expressed regularly is anger.
Either explosively and briefly or passive-agressively, as if he's not angry when he really is.
Self-gratifing and unresponsive.
Little sympathy for, or empathy with others.
Feels little for others or self.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES: Overprotective. Needs a lot of "space"

RELATIONSHIP SKILLS: Lacking

SENSE OF RESPOSIBILITY: Underresponsible; feels little resposibility for his situation or relationship.
Tends to blame others.
Most comfortable emotionally(although not truly happy) behaving like a baby.

CAPACITY TO CHANGE: Lacks insight and/or follow-through.
Inability to adjust. Clings rigidly to position regardless of circumstances.
Resists direct change. Tends to evolve rather than cjhanging directly in response to circumstances.
Will change when faced with loss of significant other.
Rejects advice, couseling. Solutions must come from self.
Frustrates others' efforts to change them.

RYTHYM OF INITIATING CHANGE: Tends to be overly "patient"
Procrastinates. Avoids facing relationship problems.
Prone to relationship paralysis.

PATTERN OF EMOTIONS: Little variation. Tends to be reasonable, but boring. Depends on their pursurer for highs and lows.

RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS: Expects the pursurer to always be there. Prone to despair and self-pity when not fulfilled.

PERSONAL PROBLEM-SOLVING STYLE: Avoidance. Seeks peace, avoids emotional crises. Believes if you ignores a problem long enough it will go away.

CONTROL AND MANIPULATION: Strives to maintain central position to protect self from getting hurt.
Manipulates enviornment to meet their needs.

DECISION MAKING: Decisions made and then clung to regardless of changes in cicumstances.

VIEW OF LOVE: Overemphasizes practical aspects. Minimal expression of love, sharing, or romance, expect when courting or pursuing a distancing partner.

TYPICAL BELIEF: Love is fine, but it doesn't pay the bills.

SEXUALTIY: Physical enjoyment takes precedence over caring.
Sex seen as conquest or performance, not shared experience.
Objectifies Partner.

SUBSTITUE ACTIVITIES: Overly involved with objects, e.g. sports, cars, house(for prestige), work, sexual liasons(conquest), alcohol.

SELF-DECEPTION: Believes overemphasis on individuality brings a sense of security, self esteem, contentment. Fears emotional closeness.
Believes they can evade a pursurer.

DEMEANOR: In later years: boring to be involved with. Arrogant, cynical, pessimistic, negative. Prone to self-pity.
FACIAL CHARACTERISTICS AFTER FOURTY: Appears emotionless. Dark circles under eyes.

GREATEST RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTY: Denial of problem.
Avoidance of relationship issues.

TYPICAL STATEMENT: "I like myself the way I am and you should too. If you don't like me the way I am, you're free to leave.
I give you a comfortable life, don't sleep around - what more do you want?"
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I am not guaranteeing that there are no typos in this.


The following is from the book The Solo Partner.

SHOULD ALL BE IN QUOTES

TRAITS

Emotional Pursuers (predominatly female)

SEXUAL STYLE: Distance

SENSE OF SELF: Strongly non-individualistic.
Has difficulty being alone or acting independently for any length of time.
Rarely does things on own.
Primarily does what others want.
Tends to be clinging and overly anxious.
A follower.
Depends on others for guidance.
Sees the world as centered on others "Gives to get"
Feels taken for granted.
Overly Concerned and protective of others.
Always looking out for others never for self.
Overly Adaptative. Chooses to be like others or to yield for the sake of unity.
Feels empty without interaction with others.
Constantly seeking love, approval, and appreciation.
Will give up individuality for the sake of relationship.

TRUST: Tends to be naive about relationships. Optomistic about other's motives.
Overly trusting; frequently taken advantage of.

EMOTIONS: Primarily people and feeling oriented.
Places these above material things.
Seeks out emotions and emotionality.
Overemotional and effect is heightened.
Openly shows feelings to everyone.
Expresses a full range of emotions.
Frequently intensely expressive, at the expense of thought or reason.
Overinvolved with others.
A Codependent.
Overly sympathetic and empathetic.
Heightened response to others.
Avoids pain,Tries to protect others from the consequences of their behavior.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES: Ill defined. May be nosy, intrusive.
Always has to know whats going on with everyone in the family at all times.

RELATIONSHIP SKILLS: Immaturely applied

SENSE OF RESPOSIBILITY:Overly responsible; Assumes to much resposibility for the relationship.
Assumes solution is in their power with sufficient effort.
Most comfortable emotionally(although not truly happy) when tending to others. Tends to infantilze others.
Is a "rescuer"

CAPACITY TO CHANGE: Insight into others, but little into self.
Often held back by looking for explanations.
Much talk of change while still passive.
Changes made to appease. Avoids significant change because of anticipated pain and lack of approval.
Wants prior guarantees.
Open to direct change. Overly amenable.
Fears taking a stand and dealing with consequences.
Believes problems must be dealt with instantly.
Seeks advice, counseling.
Open to offered solutions via own efforts.

RYTHYM OF INITIATING CHANGE: Overly impatient.
Cannot delay dealing with problems. Lacks restraint; impulsive.

PATTERN OF EMOTIONS: High peaks and deep lows.
Depends on the distancer for stability.

RELATIONSHIP EXPECTATIONS: High Expectations of others, low for self.
Believes they "exprct nothing in return" but hold expectations no one could fulfill.
Prone to resentment, bitterness in later years.
Very critical of others

PERSONAL PROBLEM-SOLVING STYLE: Emotional engagement.
Seeks emotionally charged, reactive situations.
Uncomfortable in calm situations.
Tends to provoke reactivity and crises. Generates worry about about everyone and everything.

CONTROL AND MANIPULATION: Controls to protect others from themselves.
Manipulates controls others through guilt, advice, retaliation, criticism and or/submissiveness.
Acts for others "own good." Feels powerless and ultimately incapable. Seeks someone to exert control for and over them.

DECISION MAKING: Difficult, confused, inconsistent. Depends on others to make decisions(parents, partner)

VIEW OF LOVE: Overly romantic. Overlooks practical aspects of relationship.

TYPICAL BELIEF: Love conquers all.

SEXUALTIY: Caring for the partner takes precedence over physical enjoyemnt. sex seen as a sign of caring for and by partner.

SUBSTITUE ACTIVITIES: Overly involved with family, house(for approval), sexual liasons (to feel cared for), medications, particularly tranquilzers

SELF-DECEPTION: Believes living for an extension of partner brings a sense of security, self esteem, contentment.
Believes they can catch a distancer.

DEMEANOR: Assumed invulnerability. Self righteous. In later years bitter, cold, emotionally and physically fatigued. Prone to martydom.

FACIAL CHARACTERISTICS AFTER FOURTY: Stress lines(from turmoil, anger) Fatigued look (from pursuit)

GREATEST RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTY: Inability to remain univolved, particularly with own children.

TYPICAL STATEMENT: "All I ever needed was a home and to be loved. I'll do whatever I have to do to keep everyone happy.If they really cared about me, they would know what I want"
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I changed some of the "he's" and "she's" to "they" being that when I read these I put myself in the pursurer category which is predominatly female.

I know I am not female.....LOL.    

It also was a help to me writing all this out as I am still evaluating all of these traits to place myself and my wife within each category.