[OldPilot]

Heros Spouse book review 8/9/2010

I just got another book from the library that I will be reading.
It is called "Unholy Ghost" - Writers on depression by Nell Casey.
It has contributions on it from 23 different writers.
It comes from another list of books on the other website.
Will report back when I have finished, or maybe in the middle.

Also bumping this thread up for other contributions.

Ok I finished this book.
DO NOT BOTHER WITH IT.
I had a lot of trouble reading it as it was mostly ramblings from depressed people,
there were a few paragraphs here and there that were ok.
Not really worth the time and effort to read it.

[OldPilot]

Posted 8/18/2010 book review thread

So now I have another book.
"Controlling People - How to recognize and deal with people who try to control you"
by Patricia Evans

I just finished reading this book this morning.
It was quite interesting and I will try to put down some notes for myself and others.
Here is a website fro Ms. evans on an overview of the book:
Also there is some more explanation if you click in the upper left hand portion of this page.

http://www.patriciaevans.com

This is a little story from the book which is somewhat crucial to the crux of the title;(somewhat paraphrased from the text)
"When Jack was three years old his parents, D & J took him to get some winter clothes.
While in the store Jack fell down and injured his knee and began to cry.
His parents  said almost simultaneuosly as they pulled him up " You are not hurt. You have nothing to cry about.
You are just trying to get attention." Each of these statements invalidated Jack's pereception and was the opposite of the truth.
Jacks experience was presented to him backwards. An inner occurence his experience was defined from outside of himself by his parents.
If this is the way Jack was always treated, How might he have defined himself'"
If we believe that his parents definition is more real than our own we come to know ourselves in a backwards way. from the outside in, not the inside out."

There is another story which i believe is too long to recant her but the jist of it is that as a child you have a "Teddy Bear", you hug him and hold him,throw him around.
When you grow up Teddy becomes a real person and all is fine with life, until one day, Teddy actually talks back and questions you. You start yelling and screaming at
Teddy becuase he is not acting like the pretend person that you have come to know and love. This pretend person is the one that is being controlled by the controller.

At the very end of the book she goes into how to break this control. Her theory is that the person needs to confront the controller with the word "WHAT?"
Also by setting clear boundaries.
I was expecting her to say by detachment but that was not used.
She did say that the controller needed connections with the controlled person so I believe that we are on the right trail with detachment, to break the connection with the controller.

[OldPilot]

9/6/2010 HS book review thread

Understanding Men's Passages by Gail Sheehy.
I just finished this book.
I enjoyed this one as it goes into explanations of different periods of a mans life.
A little bit of his twenties, thirties,more in depth on 40's,50's,60's and beyond.
It has some funny anecdotes on each stage.

There is some mention of women in the book, but  it would be nice to read a similar book on women's passages.

One thing it did say is men live longer if they are married!
Also that the older that men get the smaller the life expectancy age gap is between men and women.


Edit - Post from 8/26/2013

I see I forgot to review the "Talking to Depression" book by Carol J Strauss.
It was ok, I would have been better off reading it about 9 months ago.
It pretty much was a review of validation, the stages of depression, how to act around a depressed person.

Now I am reading Understanding Men's Passages by Gail Sheehy.
I am only up to chapter 3 but it seems pretty good so far.

[OldPilot]

9/12/2010 HS book review thread

Ok I finished

"The Script" (The 100% absolutely predictable things men do when they cheat)
by Elizabeth Landers & Vicky Mainzer

First a funny thing happened while I was reading this book.
My W I think snooped on this book. I wasn't really publicly showing it to her.
Anyway on her computer a trail of websites about men cheating showed up for a few days.
So she must have thought that by me reading this book I was cheating on her. LOL!!!!

Anyways the book is quite good for what happens before and through replay.
Even explains how it is "childhood issues" that cause all of these things to happen.
Goes over different types of Bomb Drops.
The lying and all that goes on during the affairs.
It also gives the LBS some lines(to say) and advice of what to do and expect during this phase.

The finale was a little disappointing. It is only 5 pages long.
It basically says that the "hero" (the cheater)  doesn't get what he really wants in the end.
That the story doesn't turn out like he was expecting.

The book is only 173 pages and small paper with large type.
So it is a pretty quick read if you have time.

[OldPilot]

9/27/2010

Just finished the book "Infidelity"  by Don-David Lusterman

This book has some good advice in it and takes you through the different types of affairs including MLC.
Their is a section on "life crisis" including MLC.
It deals with the secrecy, children, family and freinds, advice to the one in crisis.

I question some of what is written to the one in crisis.
I wonder how many people having an affair are going to read this book.
Much of the advice seems to be geared towards them.
Not that there is anything wrong with the advice that they are being given just whether they will take it or not.

The one thing that also seems absent from this book is the exposure theory, that is put forth on other websites as a technique for breaking the affair.
Very little if anything is written on this subject.

[OldPilot]

11/2/2010 HS -book review

Just finished reading this book, I am going to use this review that someone else wrote for FIGHTING FOR YOUR MARRIAGE by Markman,Stanley, and Blumberg.
I read the 2010 edition as it just came into the library.

Fighting for Your Marriage" has the feel of being more of a strategy guide for effective communication than a how-to formula for a cookie-cutter successful marriage. I didn't get the sense that I have to follow everything in the book to make marriage work. Instead, it reminded me of the different perspectives in relationships without making heavy generalizations of male and female roles. Understanding how these different perspectives result become key in honing the right communication skills for a stronger marriage.

The book begins with the four hallmarks of a great relationship: 1) be safe at home, 2) open the doors to intimacy, 3) do your part and be responsible, and 4) nurture security in your future together. Though these sound like four tasks that need to be done, the book builds on these four hallmarks conceptually to present four important aspects to marriage life.

Part one: "Understanding the Risks on the Road to Lasting Love." One chapter covers ways couples destroy their relationship: 1) escalation, 2) invalidation, 3) negative interpretations, and 4) withdrawal and avoidance. Then, special attention is placed on how changing times means changing roles and rules.

Part two: "Teaming Up to Handle Conflict." The "be safe at home" concept is especially vital in understanding communication in this section--the aphorism here is in taking turns to speak/listen. Relationships blow up because of a misunderstanding that escalates out of control, often due to filters that often distort what one is trying to convey to another--1) distractions, 2) emotional states, 3) beliefs and expectations, 4) differences in style, and 5) self-protection.

Part three: "Enjoying Each Other." Make time for marriage as one does for an esteemed friend. The authors do not shy away from identifying the friendship aspect of marriage as being the core of long-lasting, happy marriages. Friendship needs to be nurtured, so couples need to make the time. Working on the friendship is a worthwhile investment that pays off in the long run. Of course, sensuality is given plenty of notice here as well.

Part four: "Staying the Course." This section begins with a simple reality check: you can't always get what you want. But that should not excuse any of the spouses from trying to meet the expectations of another. A great deal of motivation needs cultivating to get the wheels rolling. More than anything else in the section, I found the chapter on forgiveness very revealing with this point: "forgiveness is a decision to give up your perceived or actual right to get even with, or hold in debt, someone who has wronged you."

Overall, this book has many merits, mainly because it keeps the channel of communication open for a healthy marriage by offering perspectives that makes yielding hopefully more possible and manageable.

[OldPilot]

11/11/2010

Just finished Women In MLC by Sally Conway.(and Jim too)

Book wasn't too bad, I thought men in MLC was better.

There is one story I am going to give you that is good for everyone.
I am going to paraphrase to make it a little shorter to type.
From page 300 and 301 in the book.

"What is the difference between a transition and a crisis?
Imagine standing on a dock waiting to get into a canoe on a lake.
As you step into the canoe you try to keep your weight in the center of the boat.
One foot is in, one foot still on the dock, the canoe starts to move away from the dock.
Your legs start to be spread even wider.
You try to reach back to the dock but your legs are spread too wide.
In the water you go!
The canoe also tips over.
YOU ARE NOW IN A CRISIS.

Instead of moving from one stable position on the dock to another stable position in the boat.
This would be a transition."

Anyway I enjoyed reading that little story!

Edit  This is the book that DGU says contains the four pllars of a MLC - Body, Spouse, Job, and God

Actually the Four Enemies are listed in the chapter called "Her Husband's Own Crisis"

[Stillpraying]

Written by one of our local politicians who I just heard on radio.

Here's one link to the book but I'm glad some one has finally spoken up about the ease at which society now just walks away from realtionships and it's time we do something about it - like educate the next generation.

http://www.connorcourt.com/catalog1/index.php?main_page=product_info&products_id=220

[StillStanding]

Amazon: Paperback and Kindle
Apple iBook store
Kobo
Barnes & Noble (print and eBook)

I actually came across this book in relation to my job, but I think it has excellent suggestions for peoples' personal growth as well. Michele Weiner-Davis of Divorce Busting even gets mentioned.

I'm not recommending it as a way of "fixing" your MLCer, but perhaps as a way to improve interactions or to help in rebuilding when it comes time for reconciliation.

The book starts with an anecdote about a study that was conducted on people's eating habits. They offered people a bucket of free popcorn to enjoy when they went to see a movie in a theater; each person was given one bucket of popcorn (so there was no sharing), the popcorn was popped days before to be particularly unappetizing, and each person was either given a large bucket of popcorn or a medium-sized bucket.

What they found was that people who were given the larger buckets of popcorn ate more than the people who were given the smaller buckets. The popcorn was free, so price was not a factor (in fact, some people forgot that it was free and demanded their money back); it was old, bad-tasting popcorn so taste was unlikely to be a factor; and each person was given their own bucket, so it was unlikely that people were sharing their popcorn with others. Not only did people not believe that they ate more popcorn if they had the larger bucket, they actually argued with the researchers, in spite of evidence to the contrary; they "knew" how much they ate!

The authors made the case that if the study was published without describing the difference in the size of the buckets, people would see that some people simply ate more popcorn than others. They would speculate about those peoples' eating habits and want to come up with a plan to teach people how to snack less or not overeat. In reality, the fix was simple; give people smaller portions and they're less likely to overeat. The point the authors made is that what may appear to be a personality or behavioral problem is actually a situational one; you don't necessarily have to change people's attitudes, you just have to change the circumstances.

They mentioned the Clocky, an alarm clock devised by a researcher at MIT. When you set Clocky to go off at a particular time it will actually roll off of the nightstand and run around the floor, forcing you to get out of bed and hunt it down to turn it off; according to the authors, "Clocky is not a product for a sane species; if Spock wants to get up at 5:45 am, he'll just get up." They describe humans as having two sides to our minds; there's the rational side (the superego) which can make reasoned, conscientious decisions, and the emotional side (the id) which is selfish and childlike. This dual nature to our personalities are why people throw out all of the junk food when they decide to go on a diet because although the rational side knows better than to eat the junk food, the emotional side wants a bowl of ice cream. The rational side wants to get out of bed at 5:45 so they can go for a jog in the morning, while the emotional side wants to stay curled up in the warm comfy bed as long as possible.

(EDIT: Correcting a mistaken impression I made here) The authors cite Jonathan Haidt's metaphor from The Happiness Hypothesis for this duality; the emotional side is the Elephant, and the rational side is the Rider. They do this to better illustrate the relationship they see between the two; the rational Rider can direct the emotional Elephant much of the time, but if the Elephant really wants to go somewhere or do something, there's not much the Rider can do to stop it. The Elephant is what makes you crave fast food when you should be dieting, call up your ex at 2 in the morning, and have that one cigarette that you know you shouldn't. The Rider can see the big picture and makes decisions that affect things in the long term. However, the Elephant also has strengths and the Rider has weaknesses. The Elephant is your drive and your motivation, the thing that provides you with the energy to make changes stick; the Rider can get bogged down in over-analyzing situations and being indecisive.

The authors also make the case that people's self-control is not limitless. The Rider can make you choose to start running every day in order to get in shape, but if the Elephant isn't engaged then you eventually lose the motivation to keep doing it. This is why change is so hard for many people; behaviors that are automatic or internalized are what is comfortable, and the Rider can only make you change those behaviors for a short time until he gets exhausted and you stop. At the same time, while a motivated Elephant will give you the drive to do what needs to be done, the Rider needs a clear plan of what to do or else he will get bogged down with indecision. The authors describe several examples where the more choices a person has, the less likely they are to make a choice at all, opting to stick with what is comfortable. A display that only has a few different flavors of jam will sell more jars than one that has 15 different flavors; it's easier to pick from A, B, or C than it is to pick from A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J... The authors state that "what often looks like resistance is often a lack of clarity."

They propose a simple three part-framework for effecting lasting change, both in ourselves and in people around us; the book is aimed at promoting change within organizations, even when the people effecting the change has little real power or authority to do so. The three parts are:

• Direct the Rider
• Motivate the Elephant
• Shape the Path

I'll add to this thread as I make my way through the book. Others who have read the book, or pick up a copy and want to contribute to the discussion are welcome to do so.

[Ready2Transform]

This is amazing, thank you for sharing it!  I've got "Made to Stick" and I think this is one my H talked about picking up for our collection before BD, ironically.  The elephant/rider metaphor is so profound.