Thanks for the replies. As much as I felt like I had to say throughout the whole roller coaster, I feel at peace and content now, and I guess that's not such an interesting thing to post about, so I haven't felt a pull to post anything. And even now, there's not much new going on in my life... we are just living, working, enjoying our kitties and our home and our connections with friends and family and each other.
I keep coming back to the thought that, for people who didn't know what was going on in our marriage in late 2019-late 2020, they would have no clue that there had ever been a MLC or that W had not lived at home for a 6 month stretch. As far as they know, we are a couple who has been married for over 9 years and together for almost 23 years... and I guess in a lot of ways, I feel that too. But at the same time, I know that I am fundamentally changed as a result of BD and all that followed... and yet, I don't even feel like I'm broken. In some ways, I feel like it cured me of the codependency, and it made me more aware of the need to actively value myself. I have a quiet, introverted life. I read, and I write, and I communicate with friends who are largely long distance. I work from home and I spoil my kitties, and I make time to meditate (especially when the weather allows me to enjoy our peaceful backyard). I've begun baking, which my waistline doesn't love but my creativity does. It's a small life that will never be newsworthy to many people, but I truly feel peace and contentment and a quiet joy in it.
W still has intermittent issues related to her anxiety and depression; her medications help, but some stretches of time are harder than others. She struggles a little with her work; does she want to go out on her own or continue to work for someone? Would the stresses of being responsible for running the business herself outweigh the freedom that it would bring? She also had sort of the perfect storm of things to disrupt her social life, right around the time of BD. Literally the weekend of BD1, the pandemic began closing down our world (March 2020), and her work, which had been a professional but also very social and collegial training program, went remote. Then, she graduated from that training program and started the job she'd signed up for... but instead of an in-office setting, it was fully remote for the first couple of years. And many of her colleagues from training moved out of the area; the few that stayed were in different jobs, and everyone was busy with their own lives and families. So she has necessarily had huge adjustments to make in what was a large part of her social life - and for someone who thrives on human interaction, group Zoom calls aren't the same. And even though life is, in many ways, back to normal (despite the ebb and flow of Covid waves)... we've all adapted. She goes into the office twice a week, but often her colleagues are working remotely. Her training friends still live elsewhere, and are still busy with their jobs and their families and local friends. We're still living a much more isolated life than we were before Covid, before graduation... and she struggles with it. I believe that we are much more present with each other than we were before BD; despite our codependency, there was also some complacency in how we communicated with each other (or didn't). We both make a point of sharing our hopes and fears and concerns and dreams with each other. So I feel like we're in a good and healthy place overall - though I admit that since BD, I always mentally hedge my bets and think, "I feel like everything is good... but who ever knows what's in someone else's heart or mind?"
So, that's the September 2024 update. BD1 was 4 ½ years ago, hard to believe! And life is good. I'm on sporadically; it's good to see the updates of those I know, and hard to see the new names pop up. But however much or little I'm here, I will never stop being grateful that this community is here, and that it was here for me when I needed a safe space.
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Time marches on…