[In this for ME]

I recommend it as it is a change from the type of books many of us are devouring these days, but also is focusing on self and examining your perspective.

My bedroom floor is starting to rival the "self help" section of Barnes and Noble these days....

[rediscover]

Library....I didn't want to have to have a bookshelf full of self help.  Although,now I'm on a first name basis with all of the libraians at the local library.   
Also am learning that most of the books on MLC or related issues are in the Large Type area of the library.  LOL!!!

[rediscover]

Has anyone read "Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life - How to Finally, Really Grow Up" by James Hollis?

[Metal]

Just wanted to share a few blurbs from "Codependent No More".

• Mentally Ill, Alcoholics, (MLC), etc...  are Expert Controllers.
• We have met our match.
• When we try to control them we lose.
• We lose the battle, we lose the war, and we lose ourselves.
• You didn't cause it. You can't control it. And you can't cure it.
• People do what they want to do.
• They will change only when they are ready.
• It does not matter... if they are hurting themselves.
• It does not matter... if they are hurting other people.
• It does not matter... if you could help them.
• It does not matter... It does not matter...
• The only person you can ever change is yourself.

[StandandDeliver]

Good link Metal. I have an alcoholic father who my mother has "enabled"; she tries to control, to change, she has issued ultimatums which she has never followed through on. It is a codependent relationship that has gone on for years. Which is partly why, in the MLC stuff with my H, I feel a huge desire to just "get out". I don't want my marriage to end, I truly, deeply love the person that H was before all of this, but I do not want to repeat my mother's mistake. I honestly believe she should have left my father years ago and then she MIGHT have been able to concentrate on herself and her own mental health which has suffered hugely over the years of staying with my D.

That is why I am moving to a bigger city to get a job. My H moved out from our home and in with OW straight away, and I can not hang around "hoping" he will come back. If he ever feels remorse, if he ever wants "us" back, if he ever thinks this was the biggest mistake of his life, he will know where to find me, but things can never go back to me, him and the kids in that family home, with me bending over backwards to be the perfect at-home wife and mother, only to have it thrown back in my face - no matter what.

I will move, get a career, look after my children, facilitate contact for them with their D. I will continue with therapy, with exploring me and who I am and who I want to be going forward. If H wants me back, I will see how I feel when the work on me is further along. And if int he meantime someone else finds the new me irresistable  before H gets there, then that will be his loss. I will not be codependen t. He is out of my life for the time being, except for his contact with the children.

[xyzcf]

Thanks for posting that Metal. What a blueprint for MLC!

And followed by Standanddeliver's very strong message..get a life. The world is out there waiting to be explored, waiting to give us what we need and want and only we can get that for ourselves. I don't have a partner anymore..so I cannot rely on what I thought our life was going to be.

I still want that life but I have no control over what he wants.

[nlovemyfamily]

Has anyone heard of the book Relationship Saboteurs by Randi Gunther Ph.D?  Wondering if I should get it?

[Sideways]

Thanks for getting this out here.

I have been using this very "formula" since crisis began. Well, before that really. MLC is SO similar to alcoholism.  I just replace the word alcoholic or alcohol to "mlc, or mlc behavior."  It works out great.   I have been around the 12 step program for 31 years and it doesn't fail.  And GREAT book by the way!!! It sure helped me to identify and change what needed to be changed.   
And welcome here Metal!

[In this for ME]

Thanks OP.. Newbies need this info

Haven't gotten any new ones lately I keep rereading the old ones. "After the Affair" is helping a lot..even though I didn't see how it could when I first started reading it. 

And I'm still finding inspiration in the Bible. But that book never goes out of style. 

Has anyone heard of the book Relationship Saboteurs by Randi Gunther Ph.D?

Never heard of it; but I'll bet you can buy it used on Amazon for a lot less than new ( unless it is a new book of course)

[TrustingMyHP]

Wow!  Love this thread.  I've read a number of the books recommended.  Especially liked Broken Heart on Hold and, of course, Michele Weiner Davis' Divorce Remedy and Chapman's The 5LL.  I'd also add another title by Jungian analyst James Hollis (who several have already recommended) and that's The Eden Project:  In Search of the Magical Other.  Fantastic dissection of what the MLCer is looking for when they attach to the OW.  Truly great read for any LBS. 

Also enjoyed Bob Steinkamp's The Prodigal's Perspective.  Steinkamp and his wife founded the Rejoice Marriage Ministries website. He was an MLCer himself.  The book consists of questions which a LBS would have and Steinkamp answers from the "other country."  Has a strong Christian perspective but even if that's not your thing there's a lot of good info in it.

My amazon account is gonna be smokin'!