[Milly]

Like Yellow, I feel 100% grown up now, I certainly wasn't when I was still in my marriage. But I didn't know it at the time. I thought grown up was about age.

I also have over done the frilly, girlie and am absolutely loving it.

[nah]

What wears me out the most is fighting off being lonely and acting like having a MLC XH just like any other D. Hiding the deep scars and pretending I’ve moved on.

Why pretend MLC divorce is like any other divorce?  I often tell it like it is and I'm surprised how many people respond with something like, "sounds like a mid-life crisis"... of course The Leaver is over the top stereotypical.

Shocked, I think you are at about 2 1/2 years, right?

That's still so early to "move on",.... I also pretended for a long time.  It's been five years for me and I still sink now and then.  New job, new house, new life... it's a big deal. 

I think as a group, we are amazing.

[Yellowroseoftexas]

I also pretend that I've moved on.

Very few people I come across understand MLC.  Try to explain but most, especially family think he's just a womanizer. 

I'm also embarrassed.  I know I shouldn't be, but I am.  Still wonder how much do I not know about what he did.  Wonder about what he's doing, especially on Saturdays. 

Am i only one tired? I miss my husband so much and want this OVER.  4 years and I still love this man with all my heart. Not sure that part is getting easier. 

[nah]

Very few people I come across understand MLC. 

I never initially mention MLC.  I just state facts and let them come to their own conclusions.

I'm no longer embarrassed, I say it with confidence and a smile, "My dumb @ss husband of 28 years, seemingly out of nowhere, started acting strange, and just left.  He was cheating on me with a girl our daughter's age and now they are married."

I'm not kidding, 9 times out of 10 the person I'm talking to will mention Midlife Crisis.  Several times that person will say something like, "I knew a guy like that...." and tell me a close version of what The Leaver did.

Hey, my husband was on a Sugar Daddy website before, during and after Bomb Drop. 
Am I embarrassed? 
Hell No.  He did it, not me.

Sure, I miss my husband and I accepted the fact that I will always love the man he used to be.
We had a great life, a really great life.  If it wasn't so good then all this crap would be so much easier. 

Sometimes I think the blessing and the curse of having a vanisher is we remember them as they were.... if they were in our faces everyday we probably wouldn't love them as much.

I really don't know though, b/c mine has always been very low contact. 

[Treasur]

I never initially mention MLC.  I just state facts and let them come to their own conclusions.
I'm not kidding, 9 times out of 10 the person I'm talking to will mention Midlife Crisis.  Several times that person will say something like, "I knew a guy like that...." and tell me a close version of what The Leaver did.
Yup

Sure, I miss my husband and I accepted the fact that I will always love the man he used to be.
We had a great life, a really great life.  If it wasn't so good then all this crap would be so much easier. 
So true

Sometimes I think the blessing and the curse of having a vanisher is we remember them as they were.... if they were in our faces everyday we probably wouldn't love them as much.
And true again...although it's a useful reminder that they are in crisis when you have a little exposure to the WTF who does this? or the alien version, IMHO. Helpful reminder that it wasn't about me or even our M...if it was, there would be no need for the bats$it crazy for so long after they run away.  

[Yellowroseoftexas]

Sorry if I brought the mood down.  Wasn't my intent.   

You guys are right.  Husband was a monster at the end.  He would have danced a happy dance over my dead body. 

Anyone have any knowledge of The Far Country for the vanisher? Do they remember us?

[Tyks]

They remember us everyday and that is why they are low contact or vanishers. They can't face us due to their guilt for f-ing everything up!  Besides,  if they talk to us or see us we may just see that their new shiny life ain't so shiny at all 😂

[Yellowroseoftexas]

Tyks  I hope you are right.

 I'm hurting so bad right now.  I think because he's a vanisher all I imagine is a wonderful life free of the horrible nagging wife.   I'm so tired of feeling used up, forgotten and unloveable. 

Tonight I feel God has forgotten me.  I need hope.   

[Rising Phoenix]

I think Tyks we all imagine they have a wonderful life. I think I have lost hope but also because I have changed. I’ve had to.

I also don’t think I can live with the insecuriroties if he did come back again. Who’s he texting? What’s he up to when I’m at work? Is he meeting her for lunch? I’ve done that 10 times and tbh made me ill.

The cheating and lying was bad enough but for me I feel cutting his children dead is the worst and the fall out and mental health issues my children have had as a result, I can’t put them through that again.

Friends and family say that I need to date but I’m not ready and wonder if I ever will be. The hurt runs too deep. Perhaps when divorced finalised I may feel different but who knows.

Some days I just want some form of response or communication but I get nothing. Although according to ow with her posts if I do email him, he has a daily battle with me in his head due to my abuse so still way into ge tunnel. I wonder when she will ever meet the real h as from what I can tell h hasn’t surfaced yet but then what do I know as vanished for 10 mths. I do wonder if he ever loved me as never been a romantic man but when she wrote him love letters he wrote them back. Was sexy talk in texts! Not what I got so perhaps he has found real love. He did say couple times when he had returned it was all fake and did what he thought he was supposed to but then was he just telling me what he thought I wanted to hear. Personally didn’t want to hear anything. Not his mate but sometimes treated as his mate or a relationship councillor for his relationship with her!

I do feel sad that I think one day he may reach out to his kids and they don’t want to know him anymore and he misses not just b days and xmas but prom, college, poss university, marriage and grand children and I think well tbh he actually doesn’t care. Xx

[Treasur]

The toughest thing about a vanisher is all the unanswered questions and the assumptions we make about their new 'happy' life. And then they pop up and we get a dollop of monster, which often makes us wish they would vanish again ironically, and we see or hear things that suggest their new 'happy' is not all that. Too many stories here for that to be uncommon. They may no longer care about what they've lost...or they might care but blame you...or they might care and pretend they don't because it hurts. In the end, if the MLCer is ever going to be an emotionally healthy adult again, they will need to make piece with the price of their 'happy', particularly the price they forced on people who loved and trusted them.

It takes a tremendously long time - and even more difficult if your children are hurting - to get to the point of realising that their new life doesn't matter because it isn't our life. The universe isn't fair and that sucks. But also there isn't a limited amount of happy, where if an MLCer looks like they are getting 'more', that means we are inevitably getting 'less'. Some things are too broken by the MLCer to ever be repaired and that includes their relationship with their children sometimes. That is their burden...but the LBS and the kids get to reform their family and keep those things which can't be bought or sold.