[Tyks]

Hey,  RP. My divorce was final Feb 12. I have not heard hide nor hair from xh with regards to it.  Why would I though?  He vanished without a care in the world. 

When I had him served with the papers back in august I got a really sad email from him...  For what I have no idea.  He went on and on about how he did not regret our time together, but he did regret how it ended.  But true to classic avoider fashion he did not respond to the court so the divorce just went through.  That is the one and only time in almost two years that I have had any kind of acknowledgment from him. 

Does the divorce bring closure?  No,  not really.  I still think of him and what he did every morning when I wake up,  throughout the day and before going to bed.  But I don't miss him anymore.  My thoughts are tied to how could he,  etc.  I am at acceptance but I have not forgiven.  I can't seem to get there yet.

What has the divorce done for me?  It has made me a completely free woman who is able to move on and date if I so choose.  I am not tied to him at all.  Thankfully my kids are old enough to deal with him on their own.  I don't know how guys with small children do it. I would be an absolute basket case. 

This whole mess gets easier.  The way I cope is to put it out of my mind as much as I can.  He walked out on a pretty good life.  Were there problems?  Looking back now,  yes of course there were.  Were they fixable?  Of course they were.  Cowards run.  They don't want to face their own demons.  As everyone says here it has nothing to do with us. 

I am now excited for the future.  I have been dating a very sweet guy since February (now that I think about it our first date was on the day that my divorce was final,  unintentionally).  I now see how we should be treated. He listens to what I have to say.  He often brings me flowers.  He is excited to see me.  He appreciates who I am and he feels lucky to have me.  He also compliments me often by telling me how beautiful I am. 

I miss my old life.  There is no question.  My family is broken.  That is what makes me sad.  But I believe that I am going to have a shiny new life lol.  I want the new and improved version of my old life.  I believe that we will all have it.  It is just going to take "time"

[Rising Phoenix]

Thanks Tyks, I am at the how could he. I miss my old husband but I don’t miss the stranger he has become.

I am hoping at some point I meet a nice man that treats me well. I think that’s what we all want when you have no sign your husband will ever emerge from the hell he is in. Just sad he took us with him. Fighting my way out and forging a path for my kids to follow.

I am still waiting for mediation 2 mths after I had my initial. I have no idea why the hold up. Either avoidance as he will have to face me or something up his sleeve. Awful to think my once loving husband may have something horrible up his sleeve but that’s how ow rolls and now how he rolls.

I think that’s it, once the divorce is final although very sad there is some form of freedom. I’m not interested in dating till my divorce is final. I have no idea why. I don’t fancy dating sites either but that seems to be the main way to find a man. Although I don’t really want to find one, I want to just bump into one. Wow that’s sounds a bit Lala land fantasy but I don’t want to settle for less than I deserve.

Your guy sounds lovely Tyks with flowers and as you say someone that listens and appreciates you and he is damn lucky to have you. Glad he sees he is. Xx

[MsMedfly]

Let's see.. I'm in the middle of reviewing my littles for the AP exam so I have ZERO time to do anything, but school!

So... It's more like what haven't I accomplished in the past three years?!!! I'm a mission.. TO LIVE, PERIOD! Without excuses or regret.. He tried to take that from me.. Sadly, he lost!!

 I just celebrated my third Independence day (aka bomb drop)... I reward myself every year... This year I splurged on new Troy Burch sandals...  


Just hold on.. It's gets SOOOOOO MUCH BETTER!! And yes, the new shiny life.. It's the GREATEST!!!

[nah]

I've been so busy, I saw this a few days ago and wanted to comment.

Seems most here with vanishers are pending a D or divorced. 
This has always concerned me. 

Yes, I noticed this too.  I think the vanishers seem to Divorce or pending for several reasons.

The vanishers seems to have a need for a full clean break.  That's why they vanish in the first place (plus guilt,... etc, it's all tied together).

They think a divorce will help that clean break.  (It really doesn't but they tend to be rather stupid, aren't they?)

They seem to want to show the perception that they are more decisive than the clingers, boomerangs, wallowers.... that is just more of the smoke and mirrors... it's just a show.  A divorce will help with that show. 

I think these divorces also are a factor to why the vanishers have less reconciliation.  Again, it's the LBS.  Once most get divorce and hasn't heard a word, we assume it's over and move on.  We tend to be a "catch" out in the midlife dating world (most of us have been under glass for 25+ years, so "less miles on the chevy"... if you know what I mean).  Many of us find another relationship and the MLCer realizes that we are no longer an option.

Since last contact over 2 weeks ago, I've heard nothing.  I don't know how to categorize my H.  Vanisher, touch and go, semi-vanisher?   

2 weeks? 

That's barely a sneeze in the vanishing world.

I haven't heard from The Leaver since before Christmas, but I know he's out there, getting ready to pop up like some kind of infection that just won't completely disappear.   

[Nas]

I've been so busy, I saw this a few days ago and wanted to comment.

Seems most here with vanishers are pending a D or divorced. 
This has always concerned me. 

Yes, I noticed this too.  I think the vanishers seem to Divorce or pending for several reasons.

The vanishers seems to have a need for a full clean break.  That's why they vanish in the first place (plus guilt,... etc, it's all tied together).

They think a divorce will help that clean break.  (It really doesn't but they tend to be rather stupid, aren't they?)

They seem to want to show the perception that they are more decisive than the clingers, boomerangs, wallowers.... that is just more of the smoke and mirrors... it's just a show.  A divorce will help with that show. 

Mine is showing he's just much more of a coward by vanishing and changing his phone number without divorcing. Or maybe he's just a true narcissist and so diabolical that he was able to almost 20 years completely suppressing all narc traits and hiding it amazingly well. (I know narcs can hide it, but to be a narcissist on the level he seems to be now, it would be impossible for something not to have slipped out over the past two decades.  But really, the only explanation that makes sense for someone to disappear the way he has at the time he has is that he's a narcissist and he chose to cut me off completely because I have lost all my value as a source of supply.)

I think these divorces also are a factor to why the vanishers have less reconciliation.  Again, it's the LBS.  Once most get divorce and hasn't heard a word, we assume it's over and move on.  We tend to be a "catch" out in the midlife dating world (most of us have been under glass for 25+ years, so "less miles on the chevy"... if you know what I mean).  Many of us find another relationship and the MLCer realizes that we are no longer an option.

At this point, if I didn't have cancer, I would be finding someone else. I'm ready to have someone good in my life.
Every silent day that passes,
every day I deal with chemo side effects and know he's living a new life,
every time I remember how I didn't have kids because he didn't want them and now he lives with a woman who has 3 kids
every time I see him trying to get this one particular woman's attention on Twitter, tweeting using lots of exclamation points as if he hasn't got a care in the world,
every time I see him praise another woman on Twitter about how classy she is for raising money for breast cancer,
every time I think about how I'm destitute in part because of his financial infidelity before he left and how he spent over 2 years insisting he had every intention of paying me but then never did and ultimately disappeared,

every time I think about those things and many others, I realize that this is who he's chosen to be and the sad reality is there's almost no way back from where he's chosen to go. 

Since last contact over 2 weeks ago, I've heard nothing.  I don't know how to categorize my H.  Vanisher, touch and go, semi-vanisher?   

2 weeks? 

That's barely a sneeze in the vanishing world.

I haven't heard from The Leaver since before Christmas, but I know he's out there, getting ready to pop up like some kind of infection that just won't completely disappear.   

I haven't heard from mine for 9 months and it's dawned on me that I probably will never hear from him again.

[Rising Phoenix]

I've been so busy, I saw this a few days ago and wanted to comment.

Seems most here with vanishers are pending a D or divorced. 
This has always concerned me. 

Yes, I noticed this too.  I think the vanishers seem to Divorce or pending for several reasons.

The vanishers seems to have a need for a full clean break.  That's why they vanish in the first place (plus guilt,... etc, it's all tied together).

They think a divorce will help that clean break.  (It really doesn't but they tend to be rather stupid, aren't they?)

They seem to want to show the perception that they are more decisive than the clingers, boomerangs, wallowers.... that is just more of the smoke and mirrors... it's just a show.  A divorce will help with that show. 

Mine is showing he's just much more of a coward by vanishing and changing his phone number without divorcing. Or maybe he's just a true narcissist and so diabolical that he was able to almost 20 years completely suppressing all narc traits and hiding it amazingly well. (I know narcs can hide it, but to be a narcissist on the level he seems to be now, it would be impossible for something not to have slipped out over the past two decades.  But really, the only explanation that makes sense for someone to disappear the way he has at the time he has is that he's a narcissist and he chose to cut me off completely because I have lost all my value as a source of supply.)

I think these divorces also are a factor to why the vanishers have less reconciliation.  Again, it's the LBS.  Once most get divorce and hasn't heard a word, we assume it's over and move on.  We tend to be a "catch" out in the midlife dating world (most of us have been under glass for 25+ years, so "less miles on the chevy"... if you know what I mean).  Many of us find another relationship and the MLCer realizes that we are no longer an option.

At this point, if I didn't have cancer, I would be finding someone else. I'm ready to have someone good in my life.
Every silent day that passes,
every day I deal with chemo side effects and know he's living a new life,
every time I remember how I didn't have kids because he didn't want them and now he lives with a woman who has 3 kids
every time I see him trying to get this one particular woman's attention on Twitter, tweeting using lots of exclamation points as if he hasn't got a care in the world,
every time I see him praise another woman on Twitter about how classy she is for raising money for breast cancer,
every time I think about how I'm destitute in part because of his financial infidelity before he left and how he spent over 2 years insisting he had every intention of paying me but then never did and ultimately disappeared,

every time I think about those things and many others, I realize that this is who he's chosen to be and the sad reality is there's almost no way back from where he's chosen to go. 

Since last contact over 2 weeks ago, I've heard nothing.  I don't know how to categorize my H.  Vanisher, touch and go, semi-vanisher?   

2 weeks? 

That's barely a sneeze in the vanishing world.

I haven't heard from The Leaver since before Christmas, but I know he's out there, getting ready to pop up like some kind of infection that just won't completely disappear.   

I haven't heard from mine for 9 months and it's dawned on me that I probably will never hear from him again.

Not heard from mine in 9 months except one email to say he is happy to take kids out and always has been but then never contacts them and changed his mobile no so no one can contact him.

Mine is divorcing me for initially unreasonable behaviour that I didn’t listen to him and ow did ( no mention of him falling into another woman’s V@g!n@) but after 10 returns and his complete personality change I had found my back bone and fought back so now 2 yr separation and he pays. I don’t see why I should pay for his divorce.
I still have down days and in my mind all the time but mainly how could he and I don’t believe him or who is he!

I think he has gone through every phase before vanisher, clinging boomerang to clinger, touch and go to cake eater then vanisher.
I was hoping the karma bus was coming from ow social media last week but doesn’t look like it now. 😠
I think your spot on nas, done too much to recover any form of reconciliation. H has hurt our kids beyond words let alone me.

Nah, I love the way you say it as it is. Xx

[DianaDeBelflor]

Hm... I haven't heard from mine since April 14th, when he texted me to let me know that he met with his sister (after avoiding her like the plague) and lied to her that he is going on a 12-month deployment.

Haven't heard from him since. We will see each other when I go home in May, but I doubt he will contact me in the 9 months that he's going to be deployed.

Does this count as a vanisher?

[needinput]

Diana, your H could go through different phases as RP mentioned above or he could just maintain one phase. I think most vanishers have an on-and-off communication style but with much longer time period between contact. You will be able to better differentiate the styles in retrospect.

[Nas]

Diana, It's hard to say since it's only been a short while since your last contact. 
(p.s. just a little note, is your username your real name? If so, you might consider changing it as this is not a private forum.)

I was reading through this thread and thinking how many of us have vanishers who didn't start out as vanishers.

I think if mine had vanished right away, I might not be questioning so much still 3 years on.

Also, if he hadn't vanished right after I got cancer, making it look as though he ran because I became "defective" (or more defective, in his eyes) or something.

And if he hadn't shared a few details of his "secret" new life in our last actual text conversation in late May and then acknowledged my birthday for a change this year and then immediately disappeared. If he had been monstering or cruel or we'd had some big blow up, it might make more sense.

But no, it was him starting to initiate contact for no reason in the spring, sending me pics of my dog, then opening up a tiny bit, then me getting sick and then...poof, he's gone.

I replied to his birthday text the day after he sent it with just a "thank you" and then, as all the advice says, I left him alone and didn't contact him at all.  So I have no idea when he actually changed his phone number.  I think it was sometime in the fall but the fact remains that I haven't heard from him since my birthday 9 months ago and he did change his contact information.

I do wonder if the death of one of his old high school buddies in September (opiate overdose) caused him to spiral and start replay all over again or something. Who knows.

[Treasur]

Well, Nas, I guess you can always contact him via Twitter right? The public nature of that is a practical consequence of his choices, I guess.

But please slap down the bit of your head that is saying 'he vanished because I'm 'defective'...no, he vanished because he's defective.